They say that Edwin Block didn’t write any of his stories, and that’s true, to a degree.
Edwin would sit at the bar and ramble for hours about things, and Martin the Barkeep wrote everything down he heard.
He couldn’t keep up, so he got a tape recorder, handing the tapes to his wife to transcribe.
Martin got the stories published, and kept the money.
“Edwin only drinks the good stuff, and that’s not cheap.”
After Edwin died, Martin tried to groom other drunks to take his place, but it wasn’t the same.
At least they drank the cheap stuff.
Author: R.
Storyteller circuit
There are ten villages in the Storytellers’ Circuit, one Storyteller for each.
At the end of the year, they load up their wagons and head to the next village.
That way, their stories don’t become old, and they learn new tales from each village they visit.
Usually, the Storytellers arrive within a few days.
But if the Storyteller never arrives, or one dies during his residency, a contest is held in that village.
And a new Storyteller is appointed.
Their forehead branded with The Mark.
And they tell their stories.
Until the year is up, and they begin their journey.
Lonnie the author
Lonnie wrote books, and they were a modest success.
The movies adapted from them were a bigger success than his books.
Box office, awards…
They paid well, but it bothered Lonnie that people preferred to watch others interpretations of his stories than his actual stories.
So, he hired the writer who adapted his books for movies to polish up his next book.
It sold well, as well as the others, but the movie ruled the box office for months, swept the Golden Globes and Oscars.
Lonnie bought a bookstore and retired, signing books for fans, refusing to sign movie posters.
Gymnasty
Gymnastics is a nasty, ugly sport.
So many injuries, so many child molesters among the trainers and coaches.
And yet, mothers allow their daughters to participate in this body and psyche wrecking sport.
All for what? Trophies? Medals? Ribbons?
A documentary or two, a book?
I know Mary Lou Retton had a television show. For PBS.
The black chick who quit at the Olympics scored a DoorDash commercial.
And another girl is in a GEICO commercial.
She jumps on the roof and grabs a frisbee for some dumbass stoners.
Forget gymnastics. Spend those free hours studying math, science, and engineering.
They are not
I’m not close to my family.
I don’t even think of them as my family or family anymore.
They’re just people.
So, every now and then, I get word somehow that something happens.
A wedding. A baby. A hospital stay. A funeral.
And then they ask “How are you?” out of habit.
I just say “Fine.”
Nothing about the job or cats or my health or my writing.
Sometimes, I’ll get a Kickstarter invite to fundraise funeral expenses or something.
‘Why should I pay for a show I won’t get to see?” I write back.
And close the browser tab.
Weekly Challenge #963 – Finding
The next topic is Banana split
RICHARD
Finding myself
I quit my job, sold up, bought a backpack, then disappeared for six years.
At the time, life was crap and – according to the self-help books I’d read – the key to finding direction in life was immersing oneself in other cultures, seeking meaning through self-discovery.
Among other things, I picked tomatoes in Spain, stayed in a Japanese monastery, bathed in the Ganges and went walkabout in the Australian outback.
I discovered I was susceptible to sunburn, got robbed in Manilla and contracted bilharzia from my river exploits… But, I learned one very valuable lesson.
Self-help books suck.
SERENDIPIDY
Good luck with finding this body!
I’ve given it special treatment… chopped up into bite-sized morsels, all strategically scattered in remote locations; little treats for bears, wolves and other scavengers.
As for the skull and the larger bones, those have all been shredded into splinters, and dumped in rivers, and the ocean.
It was surprisingly easy to do, and although a little messy, that was only to be expected.
You see, I used my shiny, new chainsaw to get the job done.
Quick, efficient, and extremely effective for the task at hand.
I knew it would come in handy!
TOM
Public Service
Yesterday, I was appointed to my Seventh Grand Jury. I do grand jury really well. I’m called up went thing inside the black box go somewhat off the rails. Bit like herding cats. You might not know but there are grand jury which are not criminal. My Jury looks into matters of county level governance. We interview county officers, locate procedure which need corrections. Basically, we file a final report with numbers of recommendations. All recommendations are supported by multiple findings. Hardest part of my job is explaining the different between facts and findings to jurors at larger. Not easy.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert carried a box of magical items to the car. Finding that he was alone, he went back to the cabin. Sabrina sat on the edge of the porch and his mother next to her, her arm around the girl’s shoulders.
Sabrina sobbed heavily.
Clueless, Billbert asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, Son,” his mother said, shaking her head. “Think about it. This was Sabrina’s home. And this is where she was shot and her grandmother was killed. We probably shouldn’t have come here so soon.”
Billbert sat next to Sabrina. With a shuddering sigh, she lay her head on his shoulder.
LIZZIE
The man in the cave wanted to be left alone. However, when they spotted him wandering about, they thought it was a great finding. A real caveman. Alive. Yes! Interviews, a book, a TV series, a movie, the money stacking up in their bank accounts. Did they think about the man in the cave? Nope. So, the man in the cave decided to treat them as he would any other animal. No, he didn’t eat them. He just hung them upside down from a tree and watched. It was highly entertaining. Well, what a shame they didn’t last long.
PLANET Z
I was never any good with Rubiks Cubes.
Even with a book, I could never solve them.
Some people would peel off the stickers and rearrange them to solve the cube.
I used a flathead screwdriver to pry out the moving cube pieces and arrange them correctly.
But having all six sides solved was boring.
I twisted them up to make X patterns on each face.
That was more interesting looking.
Then I peeled off the stickers so every side was black.
Every turn was the right one.
Then I threw the dumb thing out.
Like so many people did.
The Snowman
It has been a long time since I last made a snowman.
Of course, people in tropics and deserts who have never made a snowman.
Or seen snow.
In Dubai, they’re so rich, there’s a park with snow machines and a ski slope.
People pay to build snowmen and have snowball fights.
One kid said that his snowman was the Prophet Mohammed.
The crowd tore him apart for the blasphemy.
The park was closed for an hour as a foreign labor crew gathered up the carnage and bloody snow.
Then, the winter wonderland was open for business again.
Such fun!
Electricity Provider
Every time I go to Walmart, some chick gets in my way and tries to sell me on a new phone plan or internet provider or electricity contract.
“Who is your electricity provider?” she asks.
“I make my own,” I say and walk past her.
“Solar?”
“Pig shit,” I say. “Just like Mad Max.”
“Does that midget get annoying with all the Embargo talk?” she responds.
I stop. “Yeah. Can you fix that?”
“Pay better than eight an hour?”
“With medical, dental, and 401k.”
I had to throw in a chainmail dress and a crossbow, but it was worth it.
Bozhe
I’m used to the window screens falling to the patio.
The kid that lives upstairs knocks those out all the time.
When I hear running and stomping and yelling, I know a window screen is about to drop.
But when a baby fell to the patio, that was odd.
“Bozhe bozhe bozhe!”
The mother came running down, I had a pen and paper and the phone set to translate from Russian.
She had me call her husband. They ran off to the clinic. Baby’s fine.
For now. Because, who knows, right?
Should I lay out pillows for the next time?
New feature
We’re building a new feature at work.
This is the third attempt to build something.
The first two were cut short by management and then finished by another company for us.
So why should I waste time caring about this feature?
It will get farmed out like the other two.
All the while, they’re paying me.
Roadblocks. Obstructions. Lack of input from customers.
“So let us talk to the customers,” we say.
“Can’t,” management says. “Privacy policy.”
So, we guess what the customer wants, and we work in a vacuum.
Until we’re cut short, and end up on another project.