I don’t think of them as Registered Trademarks or Copyright Symbols anymore.
I think of them as demonic R’s and C’s that some angry intellectual property lawyer’s wizard summoned from Hell.
Thankfully, they used the proper magic circles to bind those monsters and prevent them from running amok.
The problem is when they summon a regular Trademark Symbol from Hell.
That TM shows up without any protective circle.
Sometimes, they use protective parentheses, but that leaves the TM two avenues of escape.
I don’t feel so bad about a intellectual property lawyer getting slaughtered, but the wizard didn’t deserve it.
Author: R.
Clubbing
Shelby loved to go clubbing.
The more exclusive the club, the better.
A bodyguard at the door.
Checking a list. On a clipboard.
Or some app on a tablet, a finger to an earpiece.
That was a good sign.
Then a roped-off section with another bodyguard.
Down a flight of stairs, or up a glass elevator.
Up a mountainside, or a cavern only reachable with scuba gear.
Blindfolded and shoved in the trunk of a limousine.
And then, the greatest of all clubs.
Nobody knew its name. The city. Or the country.
Shelby searched for years, but never found it.
Weekly Challenge #857: Crash
LISA
The Smell of Onions
There was an air of excitement around the table. Don’t get me wrong, we were still quiet but hopeful and very hungry. We’d sat a while listening to the crash of pans escaping from the crack in the kitchen door, daring each other to ask Mum when it would be ready.
As the eldest it was left up to me and I didn’t know how to tell them it was another project. There was nothing cooking, she was boiling fabric with onion skins to dye it. I grabbed a packet of crackers, cheese and apples. Another Christmas we’d never forget.
RICHARD
Time Dilation
There’s a popular belief that time slows down in the moments before a crash.
You see events unfolding in slow motion, your whole life flashes before your eyes, and somehow you find time to wish you’d put on a decent pair of underpants that morning. All before you go crashing into the wall, or vehicle coming head-on towards you.
Such was the inspiration for Uncle Frank’s great invention: A device that maximised that slowing effect, giving you enough time to escape the inevitable, unscathed.
That worked perfectly.
It was the huge crash back to normal speed that killed you.
LIZZIE
The bikes were new. He sneered. He didn’t know about the upcoming crash. He didn’t know she’d made a decision. Which one should he ride first? Yes, this one. She had told him not to, but he wanted to ride those bikes. He didn’t care about her. In fact, her words sounded like a warning, the bitch. He never cared about anyone else. He always did what he wanted. When the time came for her to say a few words at the funeral, she sneered and said “Hope you had fun being who you were. Your ride is now over.”
SERENDIPIDY
As if from a distance, I heard the urgent shouts, “Code Blue. We need a crash cart in here!”
Then, people running, frantic activity, and -at the end of it all- the long, unwavering tone of the flatline, a piercing finality, bringing proceedings to their close.
“Time of death, Twelve forty two.”
Smiling, I smoothed my nurse’s uniform, discreetly exited the room and briskly walked down the corridor.
Another doorway beckons, another room, another patient.
I draw the syringe from my pocket and plunge it into their neck.
Then, I step back, hit the alarm, and wait for the action!
NORVAL JOE
Sabrina rolled her eyes impatiently. “Sure. I could cure your eyesight. But there are legal ramifications. Such as, if you got into a car crash after we cast a corrective spell, you could attempt to sue based on an expectation of wellness.”
Linoliamanda nodded thoughtfully but Billbert shook his head. “Are you serious?”
Sabrina shrugged. “No and yes. We don’t expect to be sued. We just say that to keep from helping people we don’t like.”
“Right,” Billbert said. “You just met Linoliamanda. How can you say you don’t like her?”
Sabrina sniffed. “She just rubs me the wrong way.”
PLANET Z
Humans are destroying the planet’s rainforests at an alarming pace.
Barely half the rainforests from twenty years ago are still standing.
Farmers and developers are cutting down the trees and plowing up the land.
The Rainforest Cafe exploied the crisis by letting people buy overpriced trinkets and food in Chuck-e-cheesey animatronic environments.
But the theme restaurant is waning, and barely half of them are still standing.
So, I’ve ripped off my Save the Rainforests bumpersticker, and replaced it with Save the Rainforest Cafes.
I smile as I fill the tank at the gas station, spilling a bit on the pavement.
Madden
John Madden had three rules for his team:
Be on time, pay attention, and play like hell.
And his players were on time, paid attention, and they sure played like hell.
One of the Madden rules wasn’t “Wear a suit and tie on the plane.”
He said that kind of crap never won a damn game, so he didn’t care what they wore as long as they wore their pads and jerseys on the field.
As long as they were on time for the flight.
I wonder if Madden’s Raiders still alive will wear suits and ties for his funeral.
School supplies
I started with a simple 8 crayon box.
I saw other kids with 16 crayon boxes and felt jealous.
So, I got one.
The next day, all the other kids had 24 crayon boxes.
When I got mine, they all had 32 crayon boxes.
The next day, they had 64 crayon boxes.
With built-in sharpeners, no less.
The 72 box came in a neat case.
The 120 box was made out of rich Corinthian leather.
And 152 box had a combination lock and alarm system.
We all still drew like fucking idiots.
And the crayon company got richer and richer.
Nap from home
It’s been over a year since I was last at the office.
I hated it when people would corner me in my office and ask for help for something they could just fucking Google or look up themselves.
And they wouldn’t take “I don’t know” for an answer.
Some would figure it out and say I figured it out, are you proud of me?
Others would say “I figured it out, no thanks to you.”
I’d snap back “Well, look it up yourself next time!”
Now, I just tell them I’ll get back to them.
And nap in my bathroom.
Toilet tub
When there’s a tropical storm or a winter freeze, the water pressure is sure to drop.
So it makes sense to fill up the tub so I have toilet flushing water.
The problem is, I’ve remembered to fill up pitchers with drinking water, but I forgot to fill up the tub.
Thank goodness it’s raining, though.
I hooked up the rainspout to fill up the coleman coolers with water.
Sure, it’s nasty dirty water, but for toilet flushing, it’s water enough.
I dump the colemans into the tub, and it fills up.
And I slip, and trip, and fall in.
Green giant
It takes a lot of vodka to get the Green Giant drunk.
But it’s the only way to get him jolly enough to stand there for the commercials.
You can’t get him too drunk, though, or he loses his balance and falls.
Or he gets surly, and pisses on the migrant workers picking the crops.
Or he picks them up and eats them.
Or both.
That’s where the green kid Sprout comes in.
We told the beast that Sprout’s his kid.
“Behave,” we tell him, “or we boil your kid and eat him.”
And that’s why the Green Giant drinks.
George and the hamburger man
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was too compassionate, and this made him an easy mark.
While the ship was docked at a port called Sweethaven, a fat guy in a bowler accosted George.
“I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
So, George gave him the money.
When Tuesday came around, the swindler didn’t pay up.
George’s shipmates beat the crap out of the guy.
Some squinty freak with huge forearms demanded vengeance for the hamburger man.
But by then, George’s fellow pirates had looted Sweethaven, set it ablaze, and set sail.
Weekly Challenge #856: Contact Lens
LISA
The Gift
It wasn’t just his horrific crimes. It was how prolific he was. The police were baffled. The same piercing blue eyes stared out from photofits on investigation boards all around the country.
It was in Burnley that a newly qualified DS noticed the latest victim’s Tiffany necklace. The first victim had one too. It was a huge breakthrough.
At the jewellers they discovered the same necklace had been sent to every victim. They had him. The invoice address led them to a contact lens warehouse where they found yet another necklace but with a note –
For you, DS Tunstall xx
RICHARD
Contact Lens
“Excuse me, you couldn’t possibly give me a hand by any chance?”
The woman had the face of an angel. It was love at first sight!
“You see, I’ve lost my contact lens, and I wondered if you had a moment to help me find it?”
My heart fluttered – there it was, the code phrase: ‘I’ve lost my contact lens’
Quickly I responded: “The Mexican has a big moustache!”
“What?”
I repeated myself, then asked her for the drugs.
She gave me an exasperated look, then gasped, “There it is!” Peeled the lens from her coat, and briskly walked away.
LIZZIE
“This is a contact lens.”
“Where’s the other one?”
He chuckled, burying his feet in the sand.
“Look.”
He held it close to his eye and the wind picked up and the waves became wild.
“What’s happening?”
“Want me to kill that bird?”
Before she could say no, the bird just dropped dead.
Horrified, she stood up.
“Where did you get that?”
“Aliens. I meet them every Sunday after church.”
“Aliens?! Dead birds?”
He smiled.
“I don’t know what else to do with it.”
“Rain, dude, make fucking rain. Useless aliens… Giving you, of all people, a… freaking contact lens.”
SERENDIPIDY
I have this great little trick I do with contact lenses, I soak them overnight in chilli oil then, once you’re suitably restrained, I pop them into your eyes.
It’s so much easier, and far less messy than pulling out your fingernails with pliers, and nowhere near as distasteful as clipping electrodes to your private parts.
Yet, for all its simplicity, it gets results, almost every time.
And, on the rare occasions it doesn’t work, I always keep a pair of pliers handy, just in case.
They’re not for your fingernails.
I’m going to use them to remove the lenses!
NORVAL JOE
Sabrina looked offended by Linoliamanda’s comment. “I don’t know how you can tell anything with eyes like yours. What’s wrong with you? Did you lose your contact lenses?”
Billbert was surprised and offended by Sabrina’s rude behavior and began to intervene on his old friend’s account. “Sabrina!”
Linoliamanda cut him off. “That’s okay, Billbert. It’s a family trait, on my father’s mother’s side. I should wear glasses, but I’m afraid I would look silly.”
Before Sabrina could make another cutting comment, Linoliamanda added, “Wait. You’re a witch. Don’t you have a spell you could cast to make my eyesight better?”
PLANET Z
Jamie liked to step outside, kneel down on the sidewalk, and pretend she’d lost a contact lens.
People would stop to help her, and eventually she’d stop and pretend to find it and put it in its case to wash later.
And she’d thank the people who’s helped her,, and if any of the guys sounded cute, she’d tell them her number to text her theirs.
She’d go back inside, and her roommate would look them up.
“This one’s cute,” she said.
“I’ll call him later,” Jamie said, picking up her cane and glasses. “Need anything from the store?”