When I order something from Amazon, I pray that they deliver it themselves.
My instructions for Amazon’s deliveries tell them to leave the packages inside the back gate.
Things don’t get stolen from there.
If they leave it at the front door, people might steal it.
UPS and Fedex always leave things at the front door. And don’t always ring the doorbell.
And when it’s handed to the Post Office for the last mile, well, they steal it themselves.
Especially when the delivery is over a holiday weekend.
In the end, it’s just easier to go to a goddamned store.
Author: R.
The worst gift
There’s no worse gift than socks.
They’re worse than sweaters and underwear.
When I got socks as a gift, I made sock puppets.
And I would put on plays where the puppets lamented about how crappy they were as gifts.
With practice, I got really good at sock puppetry.
Even if it was all on the street corner.
Still, I earned quite a bit of money from these puppet plays.
I saved up my coins and put them in the socks to use as a sap on the asshole aunts and grandparents who gave me these socks as a gift.
Scan copy upload
The job is simple.
Scan the brain, copy the brain, and upload it in the database.
Then we dump the body down the chute.
That’s all we do. Nothing else.
It doesn’t matter who it is.
No selfies, no writing things on the body.
Nothing funny.
Scan, copy, upload, and dump.
Under no circumstances are you to lay on the table and scan yourself.
No copies, no uploads.
And, for God’s sake, don’t go down the chute.
Last year, after the Christmas Party, a guy did that.
Instead of downloading him, the company just deleted his file from the database.
Advent everything
I don’t have much willpower when it comes to food.
Moderation, the secret to good living, is completely foreign to me.
There’s no point to a ziploc seal on any snack.
I’m going to eat the whole bag.
So, when it comes to chocolate, I really like advent calendars.
A tiny portion once a day. Only in moderation, right?
Sure, I could rip open every compartment and eat them all, but that’s not right.
If only they made advent calendars for other things…
Jack Daniels, Cocaine, and other sinful things.
Only in moderation, of course.
And the secret is revealed.
Santa yearns
To Santa, everything was Christmas.
He was born on Christmas Eve.
And his anniversary with Mrs. Claus was Christmas Eve.
Every major milestone in his life was Christmas Eve.
The business day of his life, because that’s when he’d fly around the world giving toys to good girls and boys.
Never time for a birthday party.
Never time for an anniversary dinner.
“We’ll just have a big Christmas Day celebration,” said Mrs. Claus.
And, not to fault her, but she did her best.
Still, as he flew around the world, Santa yearned for a real birthday and a real anniversary.
Crucifelination
Cats are funny creatures.
They get into everything.
Drawers, cabinets, suitcases, and boxes.
Man, do they love boxes.
Try it. Put out a box.
See?
It’s an instinct for them, finding a safe space to hide in to sleep.
So, you shouldn’t be surprised during the holidays when you put out a manger scene and, five minutes later, a cat has taken over the tiny barn.
Or gotten into the manger.
They look so cute in there.
It’s not so cute when your cat displaces Jesus in Crucifixion scenes.
That kind of thing will get you arrested, you sick fuck.
Weekly Challenge #817 – STORE
(Some of you may have noticed that I make a lot more mistakes than usual… I’ll try to be more careful and take my time, but it’s… well… it’s complicated, eh.)
LIZZIE
I am a good mother. I always bought good food for you. There was that time when you went to the store to buy bread, and when you came back you said no more. But why? And you said there was a tavern next door and the men looked at you funny… And I said what a wimp, that’s life, you need to get used to it. You were 12 and you had to toughen up. I’m a good mother. I taught you stuff you needed to survive. But now we don’t talk. And it’s all your fault… your fault.
RICHARD
The Old General Store
The old general store was a wonderful place. Run by Jake and Bessie Abbot, it was a real family business, a magical place, filled with wonders.
As a kid I used to wander round, seeing what treasures were hidden away in boxes, stashed on its many shelves and in dusty corners.
Whatever you wanted, they had had it.
Jake and Bessie passed away, the store was torn down and out of town developers bought the land.
Now, the old general store has been replaced with a massive Walmart.
It’s not a wonderful place, but whatever you want, they have it!
SERENDIPIDY
I put her in the cold store, it seemed the thing to do
Hung her from a meat hook; she was turning blue
Soon her struggles ended, I left her there some more
You cannot be too careful, and I wanted to be sure
I waited overnight, and then I took her down
Chopped her into pieces, the white meat and the brown
I packed her into boxes, and sent her in the post
To all her friends and family: The ones who loved her most
As for the leftovers, they were all for me
I had them
For tea!
TOM
What Could GO Possible Wrong 017
Park took store of the current situation backtracking to the moment Don Ford had sent him in motion. It felt as if weeks had passed. How did it all get so wacky? Who was that guy with the Don? Where was either of them? “He’s coming around said the bar keep, taking an advised steep or two away from the cuffs man. The man blinked, pulled at his arm. “You’re making a very dangerous move Sunny Jim,” snarled the man. Ford moved the duck pint glass towards him. “We’ll see.” And then they most assuredly did, the Liquid blue appeared.
NORVAL JOE
After the end of his last class, Sabrina followed Billbert out of the school.
Billbert scowled over his shoulder at the girl behind him. “Are you following me?”
She shook her head angrily. “If you would slow down, I could walk with you, and not just follow you. I need to get something from the store before we go to the ceremony tonight.”
Billbert stopped in his tracks. “Tonight? You expect me to be a part of your ceremony, just like that?”
Sabrina smiled. “No. Not just like that. I told you. I need to get something from the store.”
PLANET Z
Hamilton’s store had been in the neighborhood for years.
Until his phone told him that there was an alarm at his store.
He turned on the news, and he saw his store burning.
Watching the security camera company’s recordings in the cloud.
Recognizing his employees among the looters.
One of them had a can of gasoline.
He called a staff meeting at the burned-out store.
And when they showed up, he handed each an envelope.
Filled with Monopoly money.
The cops arrested the employees, insurance paid his claims.
And Hamilton moved away.
The building is still an abandoned burned-out shell.
Fruitcupcakes
Everybody loves cupcakes.
They’re fun and easy to eat.
So many different kinds of cupcakes out there.
With innovators coming up with more every day.
But what if they’re fruitcake cupcakes?
Frosting on the top. Maybe sprinkles.
Fancy parchment paper cups.
But when you peel back that parchment paper, um, what is this?
What’s with the colors?
Red and green? Happy holidays!
And you try to take a bite, but they’re so thick and sticky and…
Oh my God.
It’s fruitcake cupcakes!
Disgusting!
And you throw them out, just like fruitcake.
And Santa adds you to his naughty list.
Permanently.
Elf University
When Santa hires an elf, he sends them to Elf University.
There, they learn everything they need to know to work at Santa’s Workshop: making toys, loading them into the sleigh, maintaining the sleigh, and managing the reindeer.
The younger elves do the manual labor, while the experienced ones go into design or management.
And when they can’t do any job anymore, they’re sent to the university to teach.
Santa used an internship and apprenticeship program before, but too many elves got hurt and killed that way.
It’s much safer to put them on the simulators.
Less damage that way.
The explosion
Despite the world’s population exploding, Santa had to do with the same number of elves and reindeer.
They had to start work earlier and earlier in the year, and work longer hours.
And the earlier they started, the more changes to wish lists there were.
The kids themselves moved around the lists from nice to naughty and back again.
Not to mention the fakes and scammers and scalpers.
Santa tried to computerize it all, but it’s hard powering workstations and a datacenter that far North.
He broke down, ended up in a Norwegian asylum, and sits staring at the trees.