Author: R.

• Terry Tee
• Lizzie
• Richard</li>
• Tom
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Serendipidy
• Planet Z

TERRY TEE

Again.

Where do I begin

to tell the story

of how great

a love can be,

wait,

that’s not how the story goes.

They left me here,

It was to be a quick survey of the planet but no, the other crew must play a prank on poor old

Engineer Technician #2

“Oh Look” they said “Over there in the clearing, isn’t that a category #10 structure?”

Of course, my curiosity gets the better of me and off I go to check it out.

And away they go, leaving me behind again.

Well, it’s time for ET to phone home again.

LIZZIE

“Maybe they want… No, they don’t. They just want information, nothing else. That’s why they are sitting in that shabby hut. I can smell them from here. They just want a snitch and I’m no snitch. I am committed to the cause. This small house by the river is the perfect place to keep an eye on them. They have no idea I’m here. None.” And he chuckled.
When the window shattered, a single shot coming from the shabby hut, he fell.
“Where do I begin…” said the sniper at his debriefing. “If you hesitate, you’re done, and he hesitated.”

RICHARD

Short story

Experience has taught me that most writers these days are pretty good at opening chapters – they are, after all, the bait to lure both publishers and readers in – but things often go rapidly downhill from there.

I’ve lost count of the number of books where I’ve reached the final pages, and it’s abundantly clear that the author doesn’t have a clue how to wrap things up or come to a decent conclusion.

So, I always begin at the end, and if the final chapter is pretty compelling, there’s a good chance the rest of the book is worth reading too.

TOM

What Could Possibility Go Wrong #001

Hamilton pulled up a stately winged leather chair next the white hair old
man. His advanced age made him appear a cross between Santa and Einstein.
Yet on closer examination the bright blue of ageless eyes signaled a near
nefarious intent. Unfolding the weather note book, Hamilton began the
interview will the same question the public at large had been dying to
know since Maximum Ford had walked out Rift. Or should I say Sir Ford
second Time Lord of the Queen: Where is Arnesto Cervantes? Hoarsely Ford
replied,” Where do I begin.” And he did much to Hamilton surprise.

TURA

Where do I begin?
———
At the age of seventy-five I decided to write my autobiography, being full of years and accomplishments, yet still reasonably expecting time enough to complete the task. But where to begin?

My own birth would be the obvious place, but first I would have to give some account of my parents, and then the cultural circumstances that brought them together. But that implied a whole social history of their era, and the deep tides of civilisation that produced it, which in turn— and so on.

After long consideration, I wrote the first words. “Fourteen billion years ago, the universe began.”

JARED

799/800: Questionable Accounting
The accounting system for thoughts and opinions is rather confusing. Someone asking for your opinion is worth ‘a penny for your thoughts’. But sharing an opinion unbidden, one ‘offers their two cents’. Is the one cent difference a penalty for not waiting to be asked? Or are they both just starting positions for negotiations? I offer my two cents; do you haggle to pay me less? You offer me a penny for my thoughts, do I hold out for more? What if the extra penny is actually supposed to be funding all the nickels someone gets for ‘every time they…’?

——————————
801: The Stuttering Storyteller
It all started the night I caught her sneaking out on me a month ago. I had noticed her behavior had become erratic and had grown suspicious. I guess that means it started before then.

So, I would have to say it started a few months before, when I noticed her schedule became unpredictable. She was very reliable in terms of when I could expect her home. At least, ever since she changed shifts at work. Although now that I put it like that, maybe that’s where to begin. Anyway, now she’s dead, and I don’t know who killed her.

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina had been right when she told Billbert that they had all the same classes, and he followed her from room to room. She had also been truthful when she said the other students all spoke behind her back.
They sat together at lunch and it was clear the other students were giving the two of them strange looks.
Billbert asked, “What happened that these people want to treat you so badly?”
Sabrina sighed and stared sadly at her tuna fish sandwich, “Where do I begin? I’ve lived here my whole life and people have always treated me this way.”

SERENDIPIDY

Where do I begin?

Usually just below the nape of the neck: A long, straight cut along the ridge of the spine, finishing in the small of the back.

Precision is everything, cut too deep and they bleed profusely, too shallow and you’ll tear the skin.

You’ll want to be able to peel it apart at the shoulders, draw it forward and slide it from their arms, like removing a wetsuit.

Be sure to administer morphine, or their screams will distract you.

Finally, when they’re properly peeled, slip yourself into their skin, and see what it’s like being somebody else.

PLANET Z

Where do I begin? asked God to nobody.
God started with a giraffe.
It thrashed about and then floated limply through the void.
“Bummer,” said God.
God made a few billion more giraffes, and they all did pretty much the same thing.
Giraffes floated around and bumped into each other.
“That didn’t work out so well,” said God.
God pondered somewhere to put the giraffes.
And created the heavens and the earth.
Dead giraffes plummeted from the heavens to earth, making a mess.
God eventually edited this part out from the official version of Genesis.
But the giraffes never forgot.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Tom
• Tura
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

If I had a nickel for every time I back-paddled, I’d be rich, he thought. He was the kind of man who never had a clear opinion. He often used the word “potentially”. It sounded grand, but he wanted to be left alone, that’s all. The problem was that he never wished to be a CEO. He just wanted to get the money, which was very good, and paddle his boat around the lake at his mountain cottage. Work was such a waste of time. He sneered and tossed a nickel into the deep dark waters, making a wish… again.

RICHARD

Nickel

Every day it’s the same, running the gauntlet of all the hobo’s as I make my way to work.

“Can you spare a nickel, sir?”

No, absolutely not!

If I had a nickel for every time somebody asked me if I could spare a nickel… Well, I could probably afford to spare it.

But then what?

I’d be all out of spare nickels, and the next down and out would end up doing without!

So, I’m going to save up my nickels, and if ever I happen to fall on hard times myself, I’ll have plenty going spare for myself.

TOM

Cite Your Source
If I had a nickel for every time someone misquoted H. L. Mencken I’d be
able to buy that Tesla I have been lusting after. The quote go like this:
No one in this world, so far as I know—and I have searched the records for
years, and employed agents to help me—has ever lost money by
underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
I know he was sort of dick in real life. Did much care for chiropractors:
quackery flourishing lushly; he wrote nearly a hundred years ago.He wrote
when a newspaper cost a nickle.

TURA

If I had a nickel for every time
———
I’ve heard all the excuses.

“Sorry I didn’t hand in my homework, the dog chewed it up.”

“…I had to go to China for my grandmother’s funeral.”

“…the computer crashed.”

“…the exercises are impossible, it’s not fair.”

“…I really tried, isn’t that worth something?”

“…a virus ate it.”

“…I was feeling a bit under the weather.”

“…I don’t want to hand in anything less than my best.”

“…I’m triggered by any sort of demand.”

“…I’m problematising the pass/fail binary”

I just tell them, “Hey, if I had a nickel for every time that’s really happened, I’d be flat broke.”

SERENDIPIDY

If I had a nickel for every time I tell my kids not to pull faces, I could afford to pay for a child minder.

Unfortunately, I’m stuck with minding them myself, and it sucks!

And now they’re at it again, pulling faces behind my back.

“Don’t do that!” I say, “if the wind changes, you’ll stay that way!”

And they did.

Although it wasn’t exactly wind.

And their faces didn’t exactly stay the same.

It was an industrial hot air paint stripper, wielded by a mother who’d completely lost her sanity.

But they didn’t pull faces again.

They couldn’t!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert grabbed the back of Sabrina’s puffy coat. “Wait. Are you saying you really are a witch?”
She shot daggers from her eyes. “I told you about that witch word. If I had a nickel for every time someone called me that…” She shook her head ruefully. “Well. I’d have a whole sack full of nickels.”
“So, it happens a lot?” Billbert asked stupidly.
She folded her arms. “Do you think it’s weird that I’m talking to you? Someone who doesn’t know me at all? It’s because everyone else, everyone who knows me, only talks to me behind my back.”

PLANET Z

I won’t bend down to pick up a penny.
I will bend down to pick up a dime.
But a nickel? Maybe.
Depends on how filthy it is.
A nickel saves you from having to carry five pennies.
And it’s good to scratch a lottery ticket.
But on its own, it’s not really worth much.
Now, if you have a lot of nickels, it’s still not worth much.
So, you can fill a thick sock with them or put them in a plastic roll.
And knock someone out.
Then, take their wallet full of tens and twenties and credit cards.