George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
All the other pirates looked for buried treasure with their treasure maps.
George got an idea and made really cool-looking treasure maps.
Then he’d sell them to unsuspecting pirates.
He made a lot of money this way.
Too much to carry around.
So, he put it in an old tea chest and buried it in his back yard.
And drew up a map to remind him where it was.
He sold that map to someone by accident.
Sure enough, the next morning, there was a hole in the yard.
Author: R.
George eats too much
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a fierce competitive eater though.
Won a few championships at county fairs and restaurant openings.
Hot dogs, pizzas, chicken wings… if you could eat it, George ate it.
A lot of it. And he ate it quickly.
Afterwards, he’d go off to an alley and throw it all up, but he’d kept it down long enough to pick up the trophy and the prize money.
But George didn’t mind it all that much, considering how many times he’d been seasick during his days on the high seas.
George vs Marketing Consultants
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But even a not-very-good pirate can see the evil in marketing consultants.
“You need to rebrand!” said the consultant. “You’re not pirates, you’re independent resellers.”
The consultant instituted standard uniforms, providing the hook-handed, peg-legged, and eye-patched crewmembers with realistic prostheses.
“And we’ve got to work on language skills. Your grammar and jargon are simply awful!”
Hostages became negotiating assets, booty became procured trading goods.
The crew held a meeting, then keel-hauled the landlubber.
“Oh, sorry,” said George. “We’re terminating your contract through a barnacle-scrubbing maintenance operation. Is that better?”
George hates operations manuals
George was a pirate but he wasn’t a very good pirate. The problem was that the captain kept changing the ship’s operation manuals. He made procedures more and more complex, making it harder for any pirates to get any actual work done with consistency. And he changed the terminology and names of things. This confused the Pirates even more. Eventually, George held a meeting with all the other pirates on the ship. The captain woke up to George standing in front of him with a dagger to his throat. What’s the bullshit term you use for mutiny now? Asked George.
George and the raven
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always leaving the ship’s portholes open, and one day a raven flew in and landed on George’s head.
“Nevermore,” said the raven.
“What the crap does that mean?” said George.
“Nevermore,” repeated the bird.
George swatted the raven away, got up, and looked up nevermore in a dictionary.
The definition further irritated him.
“Why would a raven say nevermore?” said George.
“Nevermore,” said the raven.
George drew his cutlass and killed the annoying bird.
He roasted it in the galley and ate it.
Quoth the pirate, “Delicious.”
Weekly Challenge #1005 – PICK TWO Display, Poem, Background music, 158, Rockfall
- Richard
- Lizzie
- Tom
- Lisa
- Serendipidy
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
RICHARD
— Festival—
It was one of the weirdest concepts I’d ever come across in my years in the music business.
‘Rockfall 25′ – the world’s first festival of background music.
I can’t say the lineup was impressive, I’d never heard of the headline acts, and the programme wasn’t at all attractive. I couldn’t see myself succumbing to the delights of the ‘Elevator Music Tent’; and the idea of the ‘On-hold Music Stage’ was far from appealing.
I went anyway.
It was great.
A relaxing few days just doing my own thing in a field, to the accompaniment of unobtrusive, quiet background music.
LIZZIE
Discard the old.
Discard the old and frame it. Put it on display so you never forget.
The background music, nagging your memory, doesn’t help. But… Forget it.
Forget it all. Move elsewhere. Do something else. Walk away.
They’ll try to chase you, those cold recollections, they will. But… Forget them.
Forget it all. Sell your house. Buy a new one where no one knows you. Walk away.
Leave your pain behind. Or whatever you call pain. It might be a wave, a word, a doubt and a certainty.
The water is dark and deep. But… forget it.
Save yourself.
TOM
One isn’t the loneliest number
Today number of interest is 158 that can be displayed in number of ways: 3 × 53 it’s prime factorization. In hex-s 0x9F or even binary 10011111. My favorite is 158 displayed as a Lego number 555 222 (some ensemble required) Of course the weirdest quality of 158 is it is the prime celestial. Baron Otto Von Patton in 1827 discovered 158 was the number of angles that could fit on the head on a pin. One may ask how do you get angles to display in a non-celestial realm? Prune juice, well actually the effect of same juice. Snot bad.
LISA
Late For Work
Peter’s turned himself around after the shock of routine blood test results. Diagnosed as pre-diabetic with high cholesterol he swapped crashing with a croissant first thing to an early morning run. Everyone’s noticed the impact of these choices. The background music from his earbuds this morning is Thunder by AC/DC; it’s hard not to think of those cheerleaders coming out onto the pitch.
Ahead & unseen a car is reversing from their driveway. Peter looks like poetry in motion as his feet hit the pavement in time to the music’s thump.
He picks up his speed.
So does the car.
SERENDIPIDY
Blood-curdling screams; wailing and moaning; heart-rending sobs. Not exactly the average person’s idea of background music or chilled ambience, but I love it.
I don’t have to worry about royalties or copyright claims. Every expression of pain is unique and fleeting, meant to be enjoyed just once, and never repeated.
It can get a bit messy of course, but that’s only to be expected – and, if I’m honest, that just adds to the enjoyment.
It’s an acquired taste, which to you may sound vile…
But, I think the sounds of pain are just like a finely-crafted poem.
NORVAL JOE
Mandi didn’t know why this girl wanted to talk to her. She tried not to display any sign of understanding and asked, “What do you want?”
The tall girl rolled her eyes. “I know you know Billbert, and Sabrina, too. I need to talk to them, both.”
Background music for the morning announcements began to play over speakers in the hallway and Mandi said, “Um. It’s almost time for class.” She didn’t move.
The girl put a hand gently on Mandi’s shoulder and stepped close. “I’m Bobbi. I’m a friend of Billbert’s and it’s important that I talk to him.”
PLANET Z
Pro wrestling isn’t fake, but it’s not a sport.
Every corporation states that clearly in their charter to avoid regulation and tax issues.
It’s a scripted performance. It’s art.
It doesn’t mean that it’s completely fake, because the talent and crew still need to build up their skills and bodies.
And they do get hurt. Just like other performers in the arts, like figure skaters and gymnasts.
But just as much as ballroom dancing and ballet isn’t a sport, figure skating and gymnastics and wrestling aren’t either.
Still, it’s fun to watch. Now and then.
If you’re five or six.
George the Marauders fan
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a loyal baseball fan, though.
No, he didn’t follow the Pittsburgh Pirates.
No self-respecting pirate would be caught dead in Pittsburgh.
He followed the Bradeton Marauders, a minor league club.
George went to every game, dressed up in his best pirate regalia, and he’d lead the cheers.
Waving his cutlass in the air, shouting for all nine innings.
The fans thought he was awesome.
“You’re the best pirate ever,” the kids would say.
And, with a happy tear in his eye, he shouted “ONE TWO THREE… YARRRRRRRRRRR!”
George was not a bad pirate
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
At least, that was what the captain said.
Truth was, George was a pretty good pirate.
The captain, on the other hand, was an awful pirate.
But you know the Peter Principle.
People rise in rank until they fully express their incompetence.
And the captain was supremely incompetent.
Terrified that someone would discover how incompetent he really was.
So, he constantly put down the pirates on his ship.
Pitting them against each other.
All the while, hoarding gold, hoping to retire. before his crew called him on his bullshit.
George and the Germans
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he did his best for his ship, joining raiding parties and fending off rival pirates.
Until the captain sold to a German pirate consortium.
Which outsourced the work to cheaper Russian pirates.
George sat in port, stuck in endless planning meetings.
“When will we go out again?” asked George.
The owners told him to shut up and train.
A lot of his old crew mates got bored and quit for better challenges.
George trained their replacements.
Until one day, George left, too.
And sailed off to new lands.
George was a bad student
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He got lousy grades in pirate school, his teachers held him up for ridicule, and his classmates bullied him.
So, George swore he’d get his revenge.
Back then, there weren’t high-capacity guns to mow down a schoolyard full of kids, nor were there cars you could drive into them.
Sure, he could have started a fire. But he wasn’t good at it.
And he was mocked for it.
So, he became a pirate, and he caused “accidents” that got his nasty former classmates captured or killed.
Sweet, sweet revenge.