Weekly Challenge #558 – Key

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Too damn cute

JEFFREY

Brand New Key
by Jeffrey Fischer

Another Christmas has passed. We compare gifts. I got a brand new pair of roller skates, I tell you. You don’t reply. I look over. You got a brand new key. You nod, but look a little sheepish about it.

I start thinking: why would you have a brand new key? What was wrong with your old one? Did you change the locks and not tell me? Then it hit me: it was a brand new key, all right, but not to your apartment. You replicated old man Smithers’ key when you helped him move his rare coin collection. One night you’ll sneak in and steal the coins.

“Dumb roller skates,” I mumble, and turn away.

CHARLIE

They key to his serenity and contentment was reading his close relative’s Facebook posts each morning. She plastered her Facebook page with posters she forged, posters she made herself, and sophomoric posters her close group of enablers sent her.

She was full of hope, God, and the lives of her friends. Lenny learned how to avoid anything resembling the desperate life she was immersed in, and henceforth enjoyed a more interesting life of his own-free of the hype and precariousness she wallowed in. He was fascinated and drawn to her daily posts and failed to stop going to her pages.

~~

2.
He surmised that she was in a manic state of mind and figured she was bi-polar. After some time passed, he concluded she was just whack, and a person he wanted to avoid at all costs.

His behavior was key. If he saw her on the sidewalk ahead, he pretended he was consulting a map, unfolded it, and crossed to the other side of the street. If he spotted her in the produce section of the market, he dashed down the dairy aisle and stayed at the rear of the store.

He bumped into her at the damn self-help register.

RICHARD

Any key

‘Fatal error – press any key to continue’, said the message on my screen. So much for Windows 2017 being the ‘most stable release ever’!

I punched the nearest key, to be rewarded by a soft chime and a further dialogue:

‘I’m sorry – that was the wrong key’.

The screen started to flicker and blur at the edges; to my horror, the flat surface rippled and distorted – the vague forms of fingers, then hands, oozing outwards from the monitor.

It was only as they closed around my throat I realised just how fatal an error I had made!

LISA

Key
The radio beeped. She’d missed her train.

She couldn’t find it. But she always put it in the same place. She retraced her steps from last night. Went through where she’d been, what she’d worn. Tipped her bag out for a third time.

It wasn’t in the house. She’d used it last night but where was it now?
She gave up then. Went to turn the radio off and stopped dead. A train derailment. More news as it happens.

Her train.

She left the house in a daze.
And as she shut the door. Saw it there in the keyhole.

SERENDIPITY

The law around here tends to be interpreted pretty literally. When the judge tells a criminal they’re going to lock them up and throw away the key, that’s exactly what they do.

Unfortunately for the law, I’m the one who’s supposed to throw them away; however I sell them on to the crime syndicates at a profit.

Of course, it means that our murderers, rapists and career criminals are usually out and back on the streets in a matter of days, but what do I care?

I’ve made a fast buck, and as long as I have the keys… I’m safe!

TOM

Do you remember Zork?

You are standing before a large iron door. Hanging on this door are 12 golden keys. Above the keys in silver letters are the words: Only Three Will Unlock Me. Your first thought is to make 3 group of 4 and chose one from each. Three 75% opportunities to fail.

On closer inspection you note an engraved balancing scale on each key. The meaning of the silver inscription becomes clear. You must find a single key by weighing them against each other.

Amongst the clutter of the room you find a scale. You remove the keys and ponder the problem.

So here is the riddle: 12 coins of which one is lighter or heavier than the remaining 11. In only three weighing you must locate the coin every time you attempt. And I offer a hint: you don’t need a scale to find the coin. Are you game? Post your solution.

JON

“I have watched you, Danielle, insinuate yourself in more than one family, devoted, like Uriah Heep, to its utter destruction.”

She smiled her confidence, showing no fear, there on the platform above the tank of piranhas.

“When the lock lets go you will be plunged into the water and die a horrible death, as you deserve.”

“You haven’t got the guts,” she said smugly.

”Freude, shöner Götterfunken, Tochter aus Elysium…” he began to sing.

“What’s that you’re singing,” she asked, puzzled.

“The ‘Ode to Joy,” from Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony,” he said. “–In D Minor.”

MUNSI

The Keymaster
By Christopher Munroe

I’ve never used the pickup line, “I am the Keymaster.”

Mainly because I don’t habitually use pickup lines.

I’m not a big “Pick somebody up at a bar…” person, over here. I’m too old for it, I’m a serial monogamist by nature, and anyway it would feel somehow tawdry. I’d rather get to know somebody before taking them home, ideally.

However, WERE I to require a pickup line, I suspect “I am the Keymaster” would work, in a small but statistically significant number of cases.

Anyone who responded, “I am the Gatekeeper,” I’d know right off the bat was quality…

LIZZIE

The key to a delightfully horrid celebration is to get that special treat from the freezer and display it in the lounge at work.
At some point, his colleagues asked why the room was so cold.
All he did was point. And there it was.
“Is that… a real arm?” someone asked, disgusted.
He nodded enthusiastically, adding that he had chopped it off himself. And how he managed to work that middle finger into a perfect position!
But there was no time to brag.
“Happy New Year and all that,” he managed to yell as he escaped through the back-door.

TURA
Key
———
Five dirhams for this bowl? An insult, esteemed sir, did you know its nature.

The greatest alchemical secret is the Miftah Almutaha, the Key to the Labyrinth. I spent one hundred years learning the secret, fragmented through the rarest volumes. The work itself took another hundred years. This is the Key: one becomes God, the Master of the labyrinth of this world.

But how can God enter into His creation? So sir, that is why you see a humble coppersmith. But my works are perfection, so how, esteemed sir, can I sell this bowl for less than a hundred dirhams?

NORVAL JOE

It had taken weeks to find the ancient temple in the depths of the enchanted forest. The motley band paced along the one wall free from heavy foliage.
Fenestrashun the wizard pronounced an arcane incantation and the keystone appeared, glowing molten orange.
“That be the stone, but where be the key?” Karbunkle the dwarf asked.
“Only the hand of an innocent can press it without harm,” Fenestrashun said.
All eyes turned on the boy, Thurbing.
Suddenly panicked, Thurbing said, “I’m not that innocent. I’m sure I lied about something, sometime.”
“Innocent enough,” Beechbark, the elf, said. “Press the keystone, boy.”

PLANET Z

They say that the key to a good relationship is honesty.
So, I tied my wife to a chair, injected her with truth serum, and asked her a list of questions.
I got the answers I expected to get.
When the truth serum wore off, I untied her from the chair.
And then she tied me to the chair, injected me with the truth serum, and asked me a list of questions.
I gave her the answers she expected me to give.
After the serum wore off, she untied me from the chair, and we went out for ice cream.

Pants Party

There’s a party in my pants.
But you aren’t invited.
None of you are.
It’s too cool of a party for the likes of you.
In fact, it’s such a cool party, I wasn’t even invited.
The party’s been going on for days.
The noise keeps me up at night.
I want to call the cops and report this as a public disturbance, but my phone is in my pocket. Which is in my pants.
“Can I at least come in to get my phone?” I ask.
The bouncer shakes his head no.
This is why men should wear kilts.
———-
That’s it for 2016. See you in 2017.

Musical Meal

I do not sing for my supper.
My supper sings for me.
The salad opens.
Followed by rhythmic breadsticks.
A sip of melodic icewater.
Then the chorus of the salad.
The ballad of the soup.
And a half dozen oysters as accompaniment.
Enter the main entree: rack of lamb.
Surrounded by the orchestra of vegetables.
Peas, squash, and carrots! What harmony.
The finale approaches, with truffles and brandy at full volume.
The tablecloth curtain falls.
Simply marvelous! Marvelous!

I stand up and light my lighter.
My supper comes back for an encore.
As i vomit it all over the carpet.

SpiderNap

I’m always falling asleep in meetings.
I’ve tried coffee and energy drinks and the occasional pill or two.
Nothing works.
Then, on Halloween, I went to the office dressed as Spiderman.
I didn’t say anything as Spiderman. I just pantomimed things.
I was the old Electric Company show Spiderman, who didn’t talk.
Nobody could see my closed eyes behind the mask.
I napped peacefully through meetings.
When someone would ask me what I thought, I’d pantomime an ambiguous answer.
And then napped again.
Until one day, when I woke up, everyone was wearing a Spiderman costume and napping through meetings.

Poor Teddy

They say that Teddy Roosevelt was strong enough to wrestle a bear, but wrestling officials wouldn’t let Teddy into the Bear Wrestling League Union. He just wasn’t big enough to qualify for the lowest bear weight class.
Teddy tried to put on more mass, but his doctor told him that all that excess fat wouldn’t be good for his health.
And wrestling men in bear suits just wasn’t the same.
Now and then, a visitor would smuggle in a bear for him to wrestle, but the wrestling officials inspected all packages and baggage coming to the White House.
Poor Teddy.

The State Bird

The Cardinal is the state bird of Illinois. And Indiana. And Kentucky.
It’s also the state bird of North Carolina, Ohio, Virginia, and West Virginia.
A lot of states share the same state bird.
And you’d think that the state bird of California would be the condor, or the flamingo as Florida’s state bird.
Nope.
All in all, the state birds are lame. No hawks or eagles. Nothing all that impressive, like a fierce owl or vulture.
Hawaii has a kind of duck, the nene.
It’s an ugly thing, but a good Scrabble word if you have Ns and Es.

Obama’s legacy

On the day that Obama told his United Nations Ambassador to abstain on a vote that declared The Temple and the Jewish Quarter of Jerusalem to be illegally occupied by Jews, he held a menorah lighting at the White House.
The Hanukkah Miracle took place at The Temple.
The same Temple that he declared to be illegally occupied by Jews.
Either his advisers failed to tell him of the twisted irony of his actions, or they did, and he just ignored history and replaced it with his own deranged view of reality.
Smile for the cameras, you ugly hypocritical bastard.

Weekly Challenge #557 – Christmas Special

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Myst

JEFFREY

Homecoming
by Jeffrey Fischer

Billy wanted only one thing for Christmas: his Dad. You see, Billy’s Dad was deployed in Afghanistan, and Billy had not seen him for a long time. Billy’s Dad decided to surprise his son by arriving at the boy’s school dressed as Santa. Santa read the class a story, then the teacher asked Billy what he wanted for Christmas. “An X Box One,” he replied. “Anything else?” the teacher prompted. “Oh yeah, my Dad home.”

Santa took his cue. He removed his white beard and eyebrows, and the rest of the class gasped. Santa was really someone else? Then Billy’s Dad kept going, removing his nose, his cheeks, and his jaw. The bony face stared at Billy, who screamed in terror. Billy’s Dad might have been killed in action six months before, but there was no way he would miss Christmas with his son.

CHARLIE

The Grand Christmas or Christmastide Special was the yearly service and favor Eddie administered to Judi around Yuletide. Eddie always supplemented his gift each passing Christmas. He planned to introduce technology into this year’s favor, along with the customary, beefy, Yuletide Log, and a few odds and ends from the technology and electro-mechanical realms.

Eddie started with a few items he hid in the pantry. He began with the special ingredients. Imported chocolate and truffles where the components of the salted almond truffle tart.

He ground the beans, measured and heated the water and brewed a carafe of hand-poured coffee.

MUNSI

Christmas Movies
By Christopher Munroe

Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie. This isn’t controversial.

It takes place during Christmas, at a Christmas party, and as the film unfolds Bruce Willis learns lessons about family in true, if atypical, holiday fashion.

My second favorite Christmas movie? Gremlins. A whole town coming together over Christmas, working as one in the spirit of community.

Third favorite? The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

This one’s slightly questionable, but it DOES begin and end during Christmas, even if what happens between isn’t particularly festive.

And, in terms of “Most Nazi Sex Dungeons,” it’s the greatest Christmas movie ever made…

RICHARD

Festive

There’s a factory near me that makes Christmas decorations – ‘Festive Productions’.

You’d think it’s a seasonal thing, but production lines are open all year – it takes that long to amass enough stock for the holidays, and you’d be surprised how many Christmas trees and fake snow are sold out of season too.

I was offered a job there, but turned it down – can you imagine a whole year of tinsel, fairy lights and Christmas ornaments?

It must drive the employees mad, especially at Christmas, when there’s no escape.

The last thing they’d want to be, is festive!

TOM

Little Lies allow you believe Big Lies

If a liar tell you he is lying is he telling the truth? If an honest parent tell you they have lied could they be lying about lying? Case in point: Santa is real. Verified by highest local authority your parents. Time passes the story changes. Santa isn’t real. Has a parent lying about lying? Where in this chain does truth fall? I for one believe parents have indeed lied about lying and Santa is real. Where would Christmas be without Santa? A cold dark winter night without presents. When’s the last time you got gifts on someone else birthday?

JON

And to All a Good Night!
By
Jon DeCles

Our nest has never been empty. Some live at home, some come for the holidays. Last year one of the little no-neck monsters let out my prize python and the whole of Christmas Eve was a snake hunt. This year will be different.

In England people come home and tell horror stories around the hearth. I have some great stories prepared. They will all be ready to rush off to bed, ready to let Santa come and save them.

A fellow herpetologist has loaned me enough vipers for all the beds. Next year the nest will, at last, be empty.

SERENDIPITY

You shouldn’t believe the rumours that I don’t exist – that’s just a bunch of spoilsports, determined to ruin the fun of Christmas!

So, if you keep your side of the deal, I’ll keep mine. So, don’t forget to hang up your stocking, leave out that mince pie and a tot of brandy, and don’t forget to go to bed early.

Then I promise I will come down your chimney and eat and drink the goodies.

Then I’ll stuff your stocking in your mouth, put my hands around your throat, and squeeze until you’re dead.

Ho, ho, ho…

Merry Christmas!

LISA

Behind You
Christmas windows like stage sets line my icy walk home as I button up tighter.

I come out like the gritter lorries.
The Santa suits crumpled at the far end of a boarding house clothes rail.
I’m eggnog and a mince pie.

I miss the lights in shops that twinkle like stars through misty mornings. I pass as shoes are dropped and princes piss against bins.

Every year the lines the same. The joke almost, at the end of the pier Christmas show. The once famous. The has beens. And the nearly made its.

Christmas to me, just means work.

LIZZIE

Sit down and close your eyes. Listen to the sounds of the season. They’ll ask questions, many questions. The glitter on your nose? DIY presents. The wound on your thumb? Damn sharp box cutter. The red on your hands? Painting stuff red. There should be some green somewhere. The purple bite on your lower lip? An over-excited kisser who spotted mistletoe and plunged into your arms. The ripped Rudolph-sweater? An over-zealous security guard at the entrance of the building. Nothing much. You’re not even angry that he destroyed your favorite Christmas sweater. But, remember, whatever they say, deny it all.

TURA

Christmas among the Desert Fathers
———
Abba Jerome went to visit Abba Macarius. “A young monk has told me of a new custom in the cities,” said Abba Macarius. “They call it ‘Christmas’, but I cannot say how it concerns our Lord.”

“Show me this celebration,” said Abba Jerome.

“I shall give you this rock,” said Abba Macarius, “for at Christmas people give things to each other.”

“Then I shall give you this rock also,” said Abba Jerome.

“They they have a meal together,” said Abba Macarius, and in silence they ate their daily fragment of dry bread dipped in olive oil.

So they celebrated Christmas.
———

NORVAL JOE

Long John followed his master up the stairs to the woman’s apartment. The jangling bells on his collar were as embarrassing as the reindeer antlers protruding from behind his head.
His master knocked on the door and waited only a moment before the woman opened it. She bared her teeth. Barking, she picked up Long John. He assumed it wasn’t an aggressive move, as she had never attacked him in the past.
The woman squeezed him to her chest. Then, still barking, she put him on the ground.
She turned to his master, kissed him and said, “Merry Christmas, Dergle.”

ZACKMANN

I remember sitting by the radio with my father listening to rebroadcasts of Old Time Radio featuring Murphy Brown and her famous father. Their jokes were often wooden. Then hearing songs like I’m Jimmy Durante-claus. Also watching Charlie Brown and Claymation specials. When the kids were young we would watch my video of The Toy That Saved Christmas or borrow Christmas specials from the library. Now my wife finds so many dull shows on OnDemand and Netflix to watch instead of holiday specials that I’m in the other room listening to Bell’s in the Batfry and Teknikal Diffikulties Christmas shows.

PLANET Z

Looking out the window, there’s a Coca-Cola billboard with a Santa in a red pickup truck, looking out the passenger window with a Coke bottle in his white mitt and a creepy stare on his face.
Everyone on this side of the building has to look out at this creepy Santa billboard, and they can’t wait for Christmas to be over.
Me, I don’t mind.
I don’t work on that side of the building, so I don’t see it.
And because of my kidney stones, I can’t drink Coke anymore.
So, stare all you want, fat bastard. I ain’t buying.

Gift to myself

One of the many downsides of living alone and off of the grid is that I don’t get any birthday or Christmas gifts.
If I make anything for myself, it may be something I want and need, but it isn’t a surprise.
So, I make something and wrap it, and then get really drunk so I forget that I made it.
The problem is, if I get too drunk, I rip open the wrapping and open the present early.
Or I get drunk while I’m making my gift and ruin the damn thing.
Maybe I’ll just stick to getting drunk.

Primary residence

Santa doesn’t live at the North Pole.
Oh, he claims that his primary residence is at the North Pole.
And his business is registered there.
You know, for tax purposes.
Just like the first President Bush claimed to live in Texas, even though he spent most of his time in Maine.
No, Santa doesn’t make any money.
At least, that’s what his accountant says.
And when the elves tried to unionize and demand better health benefits, he automated the workshop and threw them all out on the street.
Well, ice. There are no streets at the North Pole.
Just ice.