It has been a long time since I last went to the planetarium.
I remember going to the planetarium when I was growing up in Chicago.
I always wondered why there were so many more stars inside the planetarium as opposed to the actual night sky.
“Light pollution,” said my grandmother. “Too many lights.”
Nowadays, the planetarium does a lot less science, and a lot more rock and roll laser light-shows.
The audience is made up of stoners and kids dropping acid.
“Puff puff pass,” says my grandmother’s ghost, reaching for a joint. “Didn’t your mother teach you to share?”
Author: R.
God Hates
Whenever I see a sign that says “God hates” I ask “Why did God create that thing in the first place? And if God hates it so much, why doesn’t this God dude do something about it himself? What, is this God guy some kind of coward? Or wuss? What kind of asshole does that kind of shit?”
It’s not God that hates that thing. It’s you. You hate it.
So, let’s change that sign from “God hates” to “I hate”
Here, hand it to me.
Aaaaaaaaaaand done.
Now bend over so I can shove this sign up your ass.
Better here
When I feel down about things at work, I have to remind myself that things are much better here than anywhere else I’ve worked.
This isn’t the fucking public TV station, threatening to take muppets away from kids if you don’t pay up.
This isn’t the fucking news TV station, polluting the airwaves with sensationalist bullshit in between the commercials.
This isn’t the fucking webhosting company, treating broken freaks and geeks like slaves so they can host porn, jihad, and stolen music and movies.
“This is better,” I tell myself. “We are better than that.”
And, thankfully, I believe it.
Weekly Challenge #525 – Out of my brain
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
MUNSI
The Human Brain
By Christopher Munroe
This sentence came out of my brain.
So did this one.
That’s weird, right? I mean, it’s just a lump of meat, maybe three pounds or so, yet everything we are and everything we’ll ever be is contained there. Just bobbing around, inside our skulls, behind our faces, a little scrunched-up looking thing from which we build an identity, from which we pull words, sentences, language, stories, ideas…
I mean, not necessarily good ideas.
This one, for example, doesn’t make a lot of sense, but ideas.
We don’t appreciate our brains enough, I think.
They do so much for us…
JEFFREY
5:15
by Jeffrey Fischer
Four fifty-seven p.m.: time to leave the office. Planning the evening commute required split-second timing. Four minutes to the garage, another two to exit the garage, 12 minutes on the surface streets, though this depended a bit on catching the lights just right, and onto the expressway by 5:15. Traffic was building; in another few minutes the road would be impassable. Leaving those three minutes before the hour made all the difference.
Five-fifteen: into the traffic flow, his job was now out of his mind. He punched several buttons and the opening sounds of Quadrophenia filled the car.
Moving in Stereo
by Jeffrey Fischer
I looked down at my body on the operating table. I had read about out-of-body experiences, but I never expected one myself. I watched the respirator move up and down, breathing for me as my body remained unconscious.
I was jolted back to reality by a high-pitched squeal. The monitors flashed an alert and medical personnel scurried to find and resolve the problem, to no avail. Well, that was it for me, I supposed. I was dead. Nothing more to see in this grim room, so I tried to leave. Uh-oh. With growing dismay, it began to sink in that I might be stuck in here for a long time.
CHARLIE
I have psoriasis. Consequently the internal ear is dry and itchy. Fish oil, Vaseline, goose grease, schmaltz, and other moisturizers don’t work. I am digging into my earholes frequently with old Popsicle sticks, paperclips, and twigs. Last Saturday, I was doing some excavation work on my earholes and I inadvertently sneezed and farted concurrently. Consequently, the Popsicle stick was rammed into my ear and I heard a loud pop and my right side went limp. I yanked the stick out, and some orangey, pink jelly covered the end of the stick. It was something out of my brain, I’m sure.
#2
It’s fun to open up your document, release your inhibitions, and let the words flow. The stories that come out of my brain each week often surprise and shock me. If I didn’t know me better, I’d say I was nuts. I am a thin, confused, M to F transgender individual these days, but I am holding on to my netherrod, hoping to find a high bidder when I’m ready for my lower surgery. They tell me I will have a lot left over when they do the surgery, so I’m putting an ad on Craig’s list for a buyer.
#3
He was yelling and pointing in front of Safeway. No one was there. He was out of his mind, or his brain, I suppose. He mumbled something about acid, and I offered help, so I approached him, walking backwards towards him, and sticking two pencils up my nose as I did. When I reached him, I spun around quickly and started singing “I am the Walrus, Goo goo g’ joob Goo Goo Goo g’ joob.” His eyes popped out of his head and he ran screaming into the bushes behind the store. I did my good deed for the day.
RICHARD
Zzzzzzzzzz
Have you ever had one of those nights when you just can’t sleep?
You lie there, thoughts constantly buzzing around your head, whilst you become ever more frustrated with your complete inability to get some sleep.
The more you try to empty your mind, the worse it is. You constantly find yourself recapping the day’s events… They fill your mind – a neverending distraction from the one thing you crave more than anything else…
The blessed relief of sleep!
Then, finally reaching your wit’s end, you sit up, sheets in complete disarray and desperately cry…
“Get out of my brain!”
SERENDIPITY
After the explosion, it was touch and go whether I’d live, but – thanks to a genius surgeon, and the wonders of modern medicine – I survived.
Of course, having half a pound of assorted shrapnel and metal shards pulled out of my brain, even by a genius surgeon, was always going to have some unforeseen consequences.
Nothing significant, just occasional mild insanity.
Personally, I think it’s been the making of me, and looking on the bright side, when the worst happens you can rest assured that it’s not going to bother me at all…
Although…
It might bother you!
—
LIZZIE
The roads were littered with metal scraps. The food was scarce. No one dared say a word. The real problem was none of this; it was the compulsory pea-sized contraption. Then, they went back home and all the brains on Earth were placed in suspended mode, our bio energy being sucked away, long-distance. When they returned for a check-up, I was part of the test sample. I hid, and jabbed my eye to get them out of my brain. I lost an eye but they never saw me again. More have done it too. We’ll get Earth back, one day.
TOM
Oh No!
Murray had a habit of saying the most unappropriated thing at the precisely the most optimum moment. “It just came out of his brain, “his sister Ann would say “It was like the tin-foil was just strengthening the signals from Planet Murray. No one wanted to sit next to Murray at a family funeral. Visits to sick relatives often ending with 911 calls. During his wedding to Laura there was brisk wagering on how long it would take him to fuck it up. To everyone’s surprise and loss Murray just stayed in his brain with the help of his heart
NORVAL JOE
The auditorium was too dark to determine the nature of the body between the rows of seats. Male, female, young, old, dead or alive.
Mickey climbed down from the seats and knelt by the unmoving body.
“Oooh, oooh? Are you okay?” he asked, pulling lightly on a strand of hair.
She groaned and shook her head, pulled herself to her knees, and onto one of the seats.
“I’m Mickey. Who are you and what happened?”
“I’m, um, shoot. I know it, but it slipped out of my brain.” She rubbed her head and pulled her hand away, covered with blood.
TURA
Out Of My Brain
———
After a long rehabilitation, I visited the scientific team to see the tumour the surgeon had cut out of my brain.
I’d volunteered for the experiment. The neuroma had to come out anyway, so I’d donated the tissue to the project. It had been grown to fill a tank dominating the room, surrounded by tubes and machines.
“Penrose was right about quantum neural computation,” said the project leader. “This thing thinks faster than anything before. We’ve just completed the speech and hearing interfaces.”
“You can talk to it? What does it say?”
“MO-O-O-O-RRE BRAIINNZZZ!!” replied the brain in the vat.
PLANET Z
Apple, Microsoft, Google, and Amazon formed a partnership for the ultimate online product.
mybrain dot com was a computer-human interface. It would allow instant learning, store memory backups, and so much more.
And they gave it away for free.
Government regulators went completely ape-shit over it.
Until the four companies declared war on anyone that opposed their efforts.
Millions of bureaucrats, protesters, and religious officials discovered their email and data had vanished.
The hypocrites among the opposition who used free mybrain units all died in their sleep.
Massive cerebral hemorrhages.
Everyone else instantly learned not to oppose the new masters.
Marvin’s Mustache
While Jack is asleep, his mustache flies around the neighborhood.
Then, when Jack wakes up, his mustache comes back and lands back on his face.
I’ve tried to convince Jack of this, but he calls me crazy.
He says that my photographs are all PhotoShopped. And the movies I take with my smartphone are all faked.
So, I waited for Jack to fall asleep, and closed the windows and doors to his bedroom.
After a few minutes, I woke him up.
“Holy shit!” shouted Jack. “Where is my mustache?”
It never came back.
So, how do you like my mustache?
Race To The moon
It’s a race to the moon.
Our team against theirs.
First team to the moon wins.
They have experience.
But we have the numbers.
The contest judge yells GO!
I open the first can of beans.
And shovel them into my mouth.
The other team duct-tapes one ladder to another.
“More ladders!” yells the other team. “More duct tape!”
I eat another two cans of beans before they get another ladder.
“It’s so close!” yells the man at the top of their ladder. “More!”
That’s when the beans kicked in.
No, I didn’t reach the moon.
But they tasted good.
Probes
I bought a headset that delivers a mild electric current to spots on my head. The electrodes are on ports that can be adjusted to various angles so the current stimulates different parts of my brain.
I turn it on, let it do its work, and then write down how I feel.
Since it’s hard to map these things on paper, I take photographs of my head so I can remember what this thing does to me.
This position makes me happy.
This position makes me angry.
This position makes me… me…
I think I need to take a shower.
Charlie – Cave
The cave was meant as a lark. I convinced the kids that I was going to dig the hole so deep that when I came out the other side, I would be in China. My youngest, a smart little shit, said if I dug down straight I’d come out someplace in the Indian Ocean, so I had better angle the hole a bit. This took the fun out of my little prank, so I just dug a hole deep enough to bury some junk I had in the garage and all the incriminating stuff inside my safe in the den.
#2
They invited me for a day of spelunking West of here. They said it would be an easy day, with no water traps or streams to contend with. It was an invitation offered by my church group. I haven’t been afraid of tight spaces, heights, darkness, and bugs since my divorce, so I looked forward to the adventure. I put fresh batteries in my headlamp, grabbed some more gear and was on my way to Gardner Cave. Again, I reminded myself that wrestling myself through tight, wet, cracks in the semi-darkness was something I left behind a long time ago.
#3
Teenie Parker’s husband spent hours in his man cave, watching sports on a large TV, and mixing drinks made at his built-in bar. Teenie stumbled on photos of “she-sheds” online. She wanted one of her own. She sheds have become the female response to man caves. She saved, and had one built in the backyard. The new shed was fitted with solar heating, a small bath, and comforting wood stove. Teenie spent more and more time in it, and grew to love it so much, she moved out of the main house, and divorced her cold spouse in the process.
For The Sea Gods
I spent the whole night on the beach with her.
Sat next to her and watched the tide come in.
She begged for me to dig her out of the sand, but there’s no way I’d do that.
So, I gagged her before she started screaming.
As each wave rolled in closer, she went from scared to angry to what I swear was forgiveness.
Like all the others.
Sometimes, I dig them out after they get a wave or two against their face.
But not this one. This one belongs to the Sea Gods.
“Yes,” they demand.
And I comply.
Dan Bakerology
I had a hard time choosing a major in college, so I decided on Dan Bakerology.
That’s the study of me, Dan Baker.
I got straight A’s in it, too.
Graduated Magna Cum Laude.
Barely beat out my girlfriend, who was minoring in Dan Bakerology.
Well, ex-girlfriend. She dropped me, but didn’t drop the minor.
The campus police called it stalking.
She was allowed to graduate anyway.
For my masters thesis, I plan to turn in a mirror.
The big question is, how the hell do I get a job with this degree?
I knew I should have chosen Sociology.
