When you christen a large ship, you use a bottle of champagne.
So, when you open a champagne bottling plant, do you use a ship?
Remy DeSanto’s new champagne bottling plant was almost ready to open. He’d hired workers and plant managers and scheduled the inspections and suppliers.
Just needed the formal opening ceremonies to get things started.
Because the plant was nowhere near the coast or a river or a canal, Remy bought a ship in a bottle, and he smashed it across the front doors to open them.
The workers swept up the broken glass, and production began.
Author: R.
Sweet Tea
If you ask for tea in England or in a Chinese restaurant, you’ll get a pot of hot tea.
On the other hand, if you ask for tea in Texas, you’ll get iced tea.
But if you’re in the South, such as Georgia or Florida, you’ll get sweet tea.
Here, you’re taking your life into your hands if you ask for a tea. Heck, outsiders like you shouldn’t be here in the first place.
Just get back on that horse and ride if you know what’s good for you.
Otherwise, stay a while.
So, care for a cup of tea?
Weekly Challenge #542 – What was the worst thing that you ate?
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
JEFFREY
The Recipe
by Jeffrey Fischer
Look, going into this I knew it would be the worst thing I ate, worse than the time Frankie double-dared me into eating a live cockroach, worse than the spoiled milk that came out in chunks on my cereal, worse than the sheep’s intestines used in the off-brand haggis. Still, the rewards promised to be worth it.
The eye of newt wasn’t so bad, and I could choke down the gall of goat. Tongue of dog wasn’t great, and I had a hell of a time getting the liver of blaspheming Jew. I would have called it off at the finger of birth-strangled babe but Lady Macbeth insisted I follow through with it.
Standards
by Jeffrey Fischer
“Oh my God, that is awful. I’m not eating it.” I put my fork down and crossed my arms.
“What don’t you like about it?” Mom asked.
“Liver and onions? It smells horrible. It tastes disgusting. It’s the worst thing I ever ate.”
“Really? Number one on the list?” I nodded. “Worse than the stuffed peppers you wouldn’t eat last week? Or the sauerkraut you wouldn’t eat the week before?”
“Look, Mom, what can I say? You set high standards for horrible meals.” She sent me to bed without supper. It turns out liver and onions was the worst thing I never ate.
AMUSE BOUCHE
Un Accident Delicieux
It’s so fresh this chicken they sold me,
I covered it in flour, the recipe told me.
I should’ve known something was amiss,
My chicken was hairy and started to hiss.
I smacked my lips turning on the heat, looking forward to this delicious treat
I left it cooking to feed Mittens,
he was my joy, the cutest of kittens.
I couldn’t find him, no paw or hair,
So I took out the dish and ate good leg
But saw poultry on the counter, still in the bag.
I looked in the dish beside my pie of key lime,
I’d not eaten chicken, but my friendly feline.
RICHARD
The worst?
What was the worst thing I ate?
Good question, because I’ve eaten some crazy things in my time, although to be quite honest, I’ve enjoyed most of them.
Everything from grilled snake to deep fried insects – it’s surprising just how tasty some of the more unpalatable sounding dishes can be.
But the worst thing ever was at my wedding….
You know the bit. It goes: ‘To have and to hold, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part’
And then I said, “I do”
And she’s made me eat my words ever since.
SERENDIPITY
9/11 – What was the worst thing you ate?
You wonder what was the worst thing I ate?
What you have to remember is that what would be repulsive to you, is of little consequence to me. Cannibalism is, by its very nature the ‘worst thing’… But to me, it’s no different to burger and fries.
There was one occasion though I was physically sick.
That time I ate someone’s liver, with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
I have to say that the liver was perfect: Nicely caramelised on the outside, and just the right amount of pink on the inside.
Delicious.
But, those fava beans… Disgusting!
TOM
Too Die For
I can write this because of my mother’s limited internet ability, for it’s her idea of meatloaf that is the subject of this challenge, for it is truly the worst thing I have ever eaten. Before anyone chimes in with: “I know a great recipe for meatloaf”, let me stated I’m way beyond Operant conditioning, scared beyond salvation. You see my mom’s meatloaf was stuffed with bread crumbs, not just any bread crumbs, bread crumbs left in wax paper to mature, well actually in the humidity of Chicago, to mold and selective rot. It only saving grace was the Ergot
MUNSI
Conversation over Dinner
By Christopher Munroe
There are different ways to interpret the word “Worst.”
It could refer to something disgusting, a flavor you didn’t enjoy, a meal you found personally unpleasant…
Alternately, it could mean “Worst” from a moral perspective, an endangered species, human flesh, something that, having learned you’d eaten it, even by accident, you could never live with the shame of…
However, at the end of the day, I’d suggest that the “Worst” meal would have to be the meal served by a poisoner, which eventually kills you.
So: What’s the worst thing you ever ate?
Don’t answer yet.
First: Finish your soup…
LIZZIE
The Fairy Children had a dismayed expression on their sparkly faces.
“This is a healthy veggie soup,” said the Fairy Mother.
The children looked disgusted. The mysterious objects floating in the thick liquid looked rather suspicious.
“Taste it.”
As soon as the most adventurous of them swallowed some soup, he turned brown.
The suffering of their sibling was hilarious. The other kids laughed.
After holding his tummy with both arms for a few minutes, he finally threw up.
Alarmed, the mother threw the soup away.
The child winked.
And that was the end of healthy food for the Fairy Family.
SPATE
A Vengeful Conversation
by Spate
You can push and scrape it around on your plate. Or you can take pretend
forkfuls followed by fake chews. Or you can try to hide it under the mashed
potatoes. But never, never even think about feeding it to the dog.
This is yours to eat.
Yes, served cold! What did you expect?! You left it dangling in the air
between us until all that was left is this dark icy shriveled empty skin of
what was.
And it’s on your plate for you.
And you are not going to leave this table until you eat every last word!
(sound effects by soundjay.com)
SPATE
As a new missionary in the Republic of South Africa I had my room and board in the Kraaifontein Hotel, near Cape Town.
I always said I would eat anything once, and most things twice, until they brought us curried tripe and trotters. I chewed and chewed on the stomach lining but never got it down. The pigs feet stayed on the plate.
I vowed to never eat curry again.
A year later I was working in the Indian townships where every family we visited insisted on feeding us dinner. The curry was incredibly spicy at times, but always delicious.
TURA
What was the worst thing you ate?
———
On the menu of every Michelin-starred restaurant there is one item that insiders call the “dead donkey”. It is an imaginary dish, such as “allegrette des viandes”, or “cassioletta au chevalloise” and it marks anyone who orders it as an ignoramus. Of course, the chef will prepare something that this oaf will think delicious, but the waiters will all be smirking behind his back.
I must admit that in my naïve youth, I once had the misfortune to order the dead donkey. One of my wiser dining companions later explained the matter to me in private, but oh! the embarrassment!
PLANET Z
Some years, I was the only Jew in my class.
We weren’t religious, but that didn’t matter to racist bullies.
Or the principal.
“They beat you up and took your lunch?” he’d ask. “Maybe they’re just hungry? Bringing enough for everyone is the proper Christian way.”
He emphasized Christian.
So, I made sandwiches for everyone, and gladly handed them out.
I watched them laugh at me.
I watched them eat.
I watched them clutch their stomachs.
I watched their faces as I said “Rat poison.”
Some survived, some didn’t.
The principal’s son, for instance.
He got a proper Christian burial.
Lightning Talk
A lightning talk is a fast-paced presentation at a conference that’s on a timer and it’s usually funny.
Fred does lightning talks about lightning. Well, how to manage lightning with such things as surge protectors, lightning rods, and circuit breakers.
His views are rather controversial, so people call his lightning talk about lightning a lighting rod.
He’s tried to lighten the mood for his lightning talk on lighting talks, but most people tighten up, if they’re not frightened by Fred.
That’s when the gong hits, and Fred’s talk is done.
Fred exhales, wipes his brow, and is struck by lightning.
Conferences
I don’t know why they send me to so many conferences. This stuff goes way over my head, and I end up bored, and napping through the presentation. Then I stress out over the expense reports and the post-conference summaries where I make up what I learned from the conference.
I asked to go to fewer conferences, but they sent me to more. One conference after the other. Eventually, I was always out at a conference, never coming home.
No reports, no summaries. Just endless conferences.
One day, I’ll escape this eternal prison.
Until then, hand me the tickets, please.
Late Policy
The school needs to cut budgets. Security and insurance costs kept rising.
Their plan was to impose a fine on parents who were late to pick up their kids from school. This would clear out the school quicker and they wouldn’t need as many guards.
After a month, the number of parents late to pick up their kids… actually went up.
“It’s cheaper than daycare or afterschool activities,” they said. “Ballet lessons and tutus are expensive.”
That’s when the district mandated organ donation. Late parents were handed a receipt to pick up the unused material.
The locker contents, they burned.
Gargoyles
The real estate listing for my house mentions the 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and included appliances, but I left out the gargoyles.
Unless you read The Book Of Eternal Darkness during the full moon, they’re really not worth mentioning. Heck, if the ad were big enough, I’d mention the hardwood floors and excellent school district before the gargoyles.
Don’t ask me where they came from. They came with the house when I bought it, and the previous owner didn’t know either.
He was the one who put in the hardwood floors.
“Gargoyles tore up the carpeting,” he said, and laughed.
Shipyard
The shipyards aren’t what they used to be.
The only way to get a job in this town is to put on a pair of dead man’s boots if you want to work.
Go to the city and work in a factory.
What? My boots? These old worn-out boots.
Too big for you. And your brothers need me to provide until it’s time for them to set out on their own.
The city isn’t so bad.
And the factories are always hiring.
Maybe you could go Army? Navy? Something like that?
But the shipyards aren’t what they used to be.
Vaccination
Some parents believe that vaccines cause autism and retardation, so they refuse to get their children vaccinated.
When these kids go to school or out in public, they risk picking up diseases from which they have no protection, and then tramsitting them to others.
But shouldn’t a kid that was vaccinated be protected when an unvaccinated kid exposes them to the disease?
“Resistant, not immune,” says my doctor.
So, I dress my daughter in armor with sharp spikes. Just try to touch or hug her, you filthy disease bag.
If only it wasn’t a bitch to wash in the laundry.
Weekly Challenge #541 – Cast
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
Sorry that it’s a day late, but I was in a WiFi dead zone with no connection, and just got back to civilization.
We’ve got stories by:
JEFFREY
America’s Pasttime
by Jeffrey Fischer
Summer weekend afternoons used to be a time to turn on the TV and catch a baseball game. Baseball is a great sport to multitask by: exciting plays happen, but not frequently, and one can always watch the play re-run. Now night games are popular, so it’s hard to see the home team play in the afternoon. But I have twenty sports channels; surely something worth watching is showing.
Nope. Fishermen in floppy hats cast their rods, guys in polyester shirts bowl, guys in loud pants golf, kids do some crazy crap with skateboards, and, for some reason, there’s a repeat of an SEC football game from last season. I switch off the TV and take a nap.
The Replacement
by Jeffrey Fischer
Pepper Johnson was the end game in stunt casting. He always played the same character, a zany oaf whose trademark expression was “Yowza!” Adding Pepper to a show was a sure sign of ratings desperation. He was Sam’s alcoholic brother in Season 12 of “Cheers.” He propped up Season 11 of “Friends” as Rachel’s neighbor. He went down with the ship in Season 8 of “30 Rock.” When CBS wanted “NCIS” to continue for one more season, the pitch was: Pepper Johnson as the coroner, replacing David McCallum’s Duckie Mallard. Pepper would do his zany act, pretending to pull stuffed animals from corpses while saying “Yowza!” Mark Harmon solved the problem by knocking Pepper out cold, shattering his jaw. No more “Yowza!” the show died with as much dignity as a CBS drama could muster.
MUNSI
Banished
By Christopher Munroe
I left with nothing but the clothes on my back.
My crimes had been horrific, but I hadn’t expected to be sent with nothing, without even the chance to explain my behavior.
Yet I was, and I could never go back.
And so I left my past, my home, behind, to fend for myself in a cold, cruel world.
Life will no doubt be hard, painful, and not particularly long, but that’s something I’ll have to deal with.
That’s one of the first things you learn about exile: It is not as fun as the band Outkast made it seem….
RICHARD
The Gospel according to Norman: The sermon on stones and sin
You have heard it said ‘let he who has no sin cast the first stone’, but I say to you, surely the very act of casting a stone at your neighbour is sinful in itself?
If you hold a grudge it is far better to pay a local hooligan to cast stones anonymously on your behalf. In this way you can gloat over your neighbour’s broken windows and cuts and bruises whilst you remain virtuous and righteous.
And if your neighbour should attempt to seek revenge, you can always accuse them of sinning… and have them stoned in the marketplace.
TOM
I Can Feel the Devil Walk Next to Me
When Jimmy broke this arm everyone came round to sign his cast. Most of
the stuff was pretty prosaic, some a bit scatological, and some
sophomoric, but one was downright spooky. Some kid wrote down RIP
9/11/2001. Jimmy never found out who scribbled it on his cast during the
Summer of 1963. When they broke the plaster off he kept the cluck with the
date. “Why you keeping that thing around, Dad?” James Jr would rag. “Just
whistling past the graveyard.” “What?” “Ironically Challenged we are?”
“What??” “Never mind.” They never found Jimmy, but a fireman found the
broken cast.
SERENDIPITY
My own personal reality show, with an unknowing, unwilling cast of billions.
Everyday, I watch you all: Spying upon every moment of your lives – every webcam, every mobile phone, every CCTV monitor at my disposal.
Silently watching… You!
I am the great director: it is I who intervenes to mess about with your life; it is I who follows your every move and calls out your every error and indiscretion.
Every detail recorded for posterity – your life laid bare, with none of the gory details hidden…
The only question is, whom should I invite to the premier screening?
LIZZIE
When Violet fell off the stage, everyone panicked. Two nights till the Opening of the musical and the star actress had broken a leg. After much research, they found a young actress to substitute her, Mattie, who also sang and danced. No one had heard of her but she knew the part by heart. She was hired immediately.
When Violet returned to work, Mattie disappeared, but Violet found a list in a drawer, the list of actresses Mattie had substituted with name/type of accident. The police investigated the matter with little results.
Years later, the actresses started showing up dead…
NORVAL JOE
“That’s Circus Mistress, to you,” she said, casting him a withering glare.
Mickey shifted uncomfortably with the sweatpants across his lap and asked, “Would you mind casting your withering glare another direction so that I can get dressed?”
She turned her back on him. “By all means, put on the pants. I wouldn’t want you to feel self-conscious when people come to stare at you in your cage.”
“That’s all you want me for? The side show?”
She laughed. “Rest assured. My clientele aren’t your average rabble. They are professionals, scientist, surgeons. We will learn the source of your transformation.”
TODD
A dark kitchen. On the stove, a pot boiling. Thunder. Two young women enter. They prepare a soup.
“OMG, I hope it doesn’t rain on her wedding day!”
“I know, right? You see that top she’s wearing?”
“Wet t-shirt contest!”
*Giggles*
“Did she get her tits done?”
“She said she didn’t, You see how perky they were? Bullshit.”
“Did you see her hair? I thought she going to get that guy?”
“Apparently she couldn’t afford him”
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and caldron bubble.
“This looks done.”
“It needs to cool down”
“Becky! Come taste your wedding soup!”
PLANET Z
When I was little, I remember having a Zebco fishing rod.
We had a whole tackle box of floaters, hooks, weights, and lures.
I had no idea what each of them was for, and I wasn’t very good at typing knots.
And spearing a worm on a hook was out of the question.
God forbid I actually catch a fish. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.
So, I ended up just tying a weight to the line and casting it out, then reeling it back in.
Over and over again.
The worms, I just dumped in the garden.