George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The Peter Principle states that individuals rise to the level that best fits their incompetence.
Which means that George would rise within the pirate bureaucracy to the title of Pirate King.
Except that there is no pirate bureaucracy. Or Pirate King.
There’s just pirate ships, captains of those ships, and pirates.
And occasionally a First Mate or some other second-in-command while the captain’s asleep or unavailable.
When George sleeps, he dreams of being Pirate King.
Sitting on a golden throne, and never having to swab the deck ever again.
Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day
George loses a bet
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had a gambling problem, too.
One day, he bet his boots, and he lost them.
All he had to wear on his feet were his roller skates.
He thought he’d be as agile as a carhop at a drive-in hamburger shack.
Instead, he was pitched and tossed around the deck with every wave, knocking over his crewmates and ruining their aim as they fired their cannon at another ship.
At least it didn’t take much effort to get him to roll along the plank and into the water.
George the Mutineer
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, the captain kept him on.
This irritated the crew very much.
So much so, they planned a mutiny at six.
George heard about it, but he was really tired, so he slept through it.
When George woke up, he didn’t know that the crew had already taken the ship and locked the captain in the brig.
“MUTINY!” shouted George, hacking and slashing his way through the ship.
That’s right. He’d mutinied against the mutineers.
The captain thanked George. “I guess I need to hire a new crew now.”
George the Franchisee
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But then, neither was that Long John Silver guy, and look how he turned out.
He had his own fast food chain.
George decided that was his destiny… his own fast food chain.
He stopped swabbing the deck and put down the mop.
And he got himself hired at a Long John Silvers restaurant.
He figured he’d save his money, take lots of notes, and then break out on his own.
Instead, he ended up on the late shift, mopping the floors.
Defeated, he went back to the ship.
George’s guts for garters
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But he was nothing compared to the blundering cabin boy.
That kid was a total disaster.
The captain was constantly shouting “I’ll have your guts for garters!” at him.
This gave George an idea.
One night, George kidnapped the cabin boy and took him to a tailor.
“Can you make garters out of his guts?” asked George. “It’s for a gift.”
The tailor refused. As did every other tailor in town.
So, George made an ashtray out of the cabin boy’s skull.
“But I don’t smoke,” said the captain.
George’s donations
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He gave red Santa caps to all of his shipmates.
“It’s Christmas,” said George. “It’ll help us get into the holiday spirit.”
He also decorated the mast and rigging with strings of colored lights.
You’d think that this would make it hard for the pirates to sneak up on their intended prey.
But other vessels thought that George’s ship was some kind of Goodwill donation vessel.
And instead of plundering and looting, George’s men asked for donations to poor orphans.
“Well, most of us were orphans,” whispered George, winking.
George and the Christmas Toys
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His crew hijacked a Chinese cargo vessel, which was full of Christmas toys.
“We’ll make a pretty penny with this!” shouted the captain, and the whole crew cheered.
Except for George.
He remembered the orphanage, owning nothing but a broken stick that he pretended was a cutlass.
All the kids made fun of “Pirate George.”
He waited until everyone was asleep before he dropped the toys off at the orphanage.
The toys contained dangerous chemicals and lead paint, and all the orphans died.
The orphanage is now a Starbucks.
George and the hamburger man
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was too compassionate, and this made him an easy mark.
While the ship was docked at a port called Sweethaven, a fat guy in a bowler accosted George.
“I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
So, George gave him the money.
When Tuesday came around, the swindler didn’t pay up.
George’s shipmates beat the crap out of the guy.
Some squinty freak with huge forearms demanded vengeance for the hamburger man.
But by then, George’s fellow pirates had looted Sweethaven, set it ablaze, and set sail.
George and the air hockey table
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain kept him aboard mostly because George knew how to fix the air hockey table.
The motors burn out easily. Especially in the salty air of a pirate ship at sea.
No, George wasn’t all that handy with tools.
He’d broken the toaster, the microwave oven, and the ship-to-shore radio.
They tossed those overboard and bought new ones.
But he had a knack for repairing the air hockey table.
Click clack thwack, all night long. So noisy.
They tossed it overboard, too.
And didn’t buy a new one.
George the landlubber
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was completely clueless when it came to the jargon of his profession.
For example, he had no idea what “landlubber” meant.
Was it a parrot species?
Maybe it was some kind of sea monster, he thought.
But then, why would his crewmates be calling all the townspeople that?
Or, for that matter, George , when he screwed something up really badly.
At the next port, he went to the library, and he asked for a Pirate-to-English dictionary.
“You are a total landlubber,” said the librarian, and threw George out.