George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His job was on the line, so he did what any sensible uneducated manual laborer does in such a circumstance.
“We should unionize,” George told his shipmates. “We need better wages, working conditions, health care, and retirement benefits!”
The crew discussed this, and then voted for a strike and threw down their cutlasses.
Even the parrot was on strike, demanding higher-quality crackers.
Eventually, the captain agreed.
But the next time when treasure shares were distributed, everyone got even less.
“Union dues,” grinned the captain. “Now get back to work!”
Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day
George relief effort
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After a hurricane hit Port Royal, George asked his fellow pirates for donations to the relief effort.
The pirates handed over extra clothes, food, and medicine to George.
George dropped the supplies off at the local church.
“Bless you, son!” grinned the preacher.
The next day, George saw the preacher selling the previous day’s supplies to a merchant.
George drew his sword and killed the merchant and the priest.
That’s when the pirates raided the town, grabbing up the donated supplies.
George dropped his sword, sat down, and wept.
George goes wonky
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Somehow, he’d sailed the ship along the chocolate river in Willy Wonka’s factory.
“What the shit is this?” growled the captain.
“Not shit,” said George. “Chocolate.”
A wild-haired geek in a purple suit met them at the river’s bank and raised his cane in greeting.
The pirates shot him dead with their flintlock pistols.
“WHAT THE FUCK?” yelled the captain. “CEASE FIRE! CEASE FIRE!”
A gang of orange midgets swarmed the ship, but the pirates finished them off easily.
The pirates grabbed a bunch of candy and raised anchor.
George builds a team
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every week, he’d call a meeting of the crew and make them work on team-building exercises.
The team-building exercises usually ended up as ways for the crew to torment George.
They’d make him walk the plank, or they’d keel-haul him.
Or they’d tar-and-feather him and make him cluck like a chicken.
Oddly enough, these team-building exercises made the crew work better together, and they saw lots of productivity gains.
Except for George. Who came out of these exercises exhausted and in agony.
Perhaps he needs more team-building exercises?
George flushes
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was so awful, he got into a ship battle with the Ty-d-bowl Man and lost badly.
All he had to do was flush, and he couldn’t manage that.
He got all flustered with which way to put the roll of toilet paper on the holder, and he took a broadsides amidships, going down quickly.
When George got a new ship, he cleaned the head with a toilet brush manually.
Somehow, he knocked a hole in the hull with the damned thing, and the new ship sank quickly, too.
George vs The Minotaur
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He ran afoul of the navy of King Minos, and was tossed into The Labyrinth.
“What’s that horrible smell?” muttered George.
The Minotaur, an evil human-bull hybrid, roared in George’s face.
“Ah, that’s what that smell is,” said George. “I think you could use a nice warm bath.”
George drew a bath for The Minotaur, setting out some scented candles and incense to set a relaxing mood.
The Minotaur got in the tub, relaxed, and heaved a deep sigh.
George picked up The Minotaur’s club and brained the beast.
George the expert
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Malcolm Gladwell says that if you spend ten thousand hours doing something, you’ll become an expert at it.
George thought that by spending ten thousand hours being a pirate, he’d become an expert at being a pirate.
But instead, by spending ten thousand hours of being a not very good pirate, he became an expert at being not a very good pirate.
George hunted down Malcolm Gladwell and confronted him.
Malcolm kicked George in the groin with an expert’s precision.
Apparently, Malcolm had spent ten thousand hours doing that.
George and Columbus
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of thinking only of treasure, he tried to show cultural sensitivity.
When he stopped three ships heading Westward, he assuming the man was Spanish because he was sailing under the Spanish flag.
“Scusi, my apologies,” said George. “So, about that whole ‘hand over your gold’ thing…”
When the captain said that he was seeking spices from India, George let him go.
A few months later, the same captain was sailing eastward with just a few aboriginal captives.
George felt bad for him that he didn’t get any spices.
George the crash test dummy
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tended to crash his ship a lot.
Which is why the National Transportation and Safety Board hired George to crash-test ships.
“You’re the expert,” said the government agents. “We asked everyone on the high seas, and you’ve come highly recommended.”
“Well, thank you,” said George.
George took the wheel of a ship that was loaded with all kinds of monitors and sensors, and he steered it towards the rocks…
And completely missed the rocks, ramming into a ship where the government researchers and observers were watching the test.
George and his aching back
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He blamed chronic back pain for his problems, and he went from doctor to doctor seeking a cure for his debilitating ailment.
He ended up paying out of pocket for going outside the pirate union’s health network.
He turned to new age healers for relief, but they didn’t provide any solutions.
So, he tried to numb the pain with alcohol and drugs, which only worked for a while.
That’s when he thought to stop stashing his cutlass into his bedroll as he slept.
His back felt so much better.