Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
What little he knew about piracy, he wrote down and applied for a patent.
Oddly enough, the Patent Office approved his application.
He then sued every pirate in the world and demanded royalties.
A few pirates signed licensing agreements with George, and they could continue to engage in piracy if they helped to hunt down those who didn’t sign agreements.
Eventually, the rogue pirates banded together, hired a big law firm, and got the patent overturned.
Pirates once again sailed the seas.
Except George, because he was blacklisted industry-wide.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t much of a fighter.
Just like that bull, Ferdinand, who’d rather smell flowers than fight.
One day, as George was walking through a meadow, he came across Ferdinand, who was smelling the flowers.
George sat down next to the bull, and they enjoyed the peaceful evening.
Then, George led Ferdinand back to the ship, and the pirate crew slaughtered him and they had a huge feast.
The next day, George went back to the meadow and enjoyed it alone, without a huge stinking animal next to him.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because he failed on the high seas, he tried his hand on the rails.
That’s right. George became a train robber, but he wasn’t a very good train robber.
His timing was a bit off, and he’d swing from his ship’s mast behind the passing train, ending up falling into the berm.
But then, it was better than falling ahead of the passing train.
Once he got aboard, he’d draw his pistols and…
“Ticket, please,” said the conductor.
George shrugged and got off.
And went back to his ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the crew went drinking, George drank herbal tea with the bartender.
When the crew went carousing, George discussed recent news with the bartender.
When the crew went whoring, George exchanged jokes with the bartender.
After a hard night of drinking, carousing, and whoring, George’s crewmates woke up in the alley, money and valuables gone.
George was the only one not to get robbed.
“Do you think they’ll figure it out?” said the bartender.
“I don’t think so,” said George, counting out coins. “Half for you, half for me.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He didn’t bother with the latest pirate fashions and trends.
No hook hands, no peg legs, no eyepatches, no puffy shirts.
Well, he did try a parrot on for size, but the thing kept biting his ear.
So, George set it free.
The parrot flew away, and then, when it realized it was over the deep ocean, turned back and tried to catch up with the ship.
But it was too tired, and eventually fell into the water and drowned.
“Serves you right for biting my ear,” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After his parrot flew away, he needed a new pet worthy of a pirate.
So, he bought a monkey from the Peebles Pet Store.
It was a rather large monkey, and it wore a bow tie and a silly hat.
“Call me Magilla,” it said. “Got any bananas?”
The monkey’s appetite soon put George in a financial bind.
He couldn’t afford to keep him.
So, George returned the monkey to the pet store.
And he stole a turtle. Because at least he could catch it if it ran away.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d been all around the world, but mostly by accident or as a result of poor navigation.
When he found himself in India, he tried his usual hostage-taking and ransoming racket.
However, all he could manage to do was take some cows captive.
“They believe that these are their reincarnated ancestors, right?” said George.
So, he sent ransom notes to their relatives.
Who had also died and come back as cows.
George ended up with three gallons of milk, which he traded for a map back to Port Royal.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Wherever George went, explosions were sure to follow.
Cannons, muskets, powder kegs, flares…
Once, his hat exploded. Nobody was sure why or how.
The townspeople watched from the docks and cheered and ooohed and aaahed.
They thought it was a fireworks show.
Members of the local symphony came out to the docks and played along.
And then, as a grand finale, a massive series of explosions lit up the docks.
Every ship went up in flames. The crowd cheered.
Well, except for those who owned those ships, of course.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never got to restaurants in time for their breakfast menus.
“But my watch says five til eleven,” said George.
“My clock says eleven, sorry,” said the woman at the counter.
George knew that if he made threats, he’d be arrested and end up in a viral video.
George learned to make his own breakfast.
So did lots of people, and the woman at the counter lost her job and ended up as a homeless beggar.
“Sorry, my wallet says ‘fuck you’,” said George, walking by the homeless beggar.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He washed his hands a lot, singing “This is the way we wash our hands!” while he washed them.
George thought if he did it early in the morning, the other pirates wouldn’t make fun of him singing.
But his singing woke them up, and they’d mock how he washed his hands, washed his face, brushed his teeth, and brushed his hair.
Right up to the point they died from bad hygiene.
George waved goodbye to their corpses as they were buried at sea.
Early in the morning.