Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Which made him the perfect patsy for Long John Silver.
What? You don’t remember George from the book Treasure Island?
Well, that’s because I’m not talking about Robert Louis Stevenson’s book.
I’m talking about Treasure’s Island, a porno flick in the Seventies.
Treasure was a chick with huge tits marooned on an island with a pirate.
“So, why do they call you Long John?” was her first line.
And last one.
After that, they did things that I can’t tell you about here.
Go rent the movie yourself, cheapskate.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to plan raids.
Maybe overplan them.
He’d draw up detailed maps from scouting missions, lay out a model on the table with intricate hills and trees and ships.
“They have working sails and bells!” said George, flicking a tiny bell with his finger.
TING!
He spent so much time planning, thee was never any time to conduct the actual raids.
So, his crewmates would sell his models to museums and rich aristocrats.
“Hey, we’re low on art supplies,” said George. “We’d better plan a raid on Michael’s.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wanted to fly a Jolly Roger over the ship, but he wasn’t very good at sewing.
The first flag came out all crooked.
“Looks like the Jolly Rickets,” said the captain. “You know, because of the bones.”
“I get it,” grumbled George, and he tried again.
“More like the Jolly Osteroperosis now,” said the captain. “Maybe we can check eBay?”
George kept trying and failing.
Eventually, he ordered a He-Man cartoon Skeleton iron-on patch.
“Have I mentioned recently how much of a disappointment you are?” said the captain.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While sailing around the Hawaiian Islands, he called “hard to port” when he meant “hard to starboard”, and ended up running into some very hard rocks.
“Welcome to Maui,” said the natives, handing out flower leis to each crewman who crawled out of the wrecked ship.
While the pirates enjoyed the… um… hospitality of the island, George worked on repairing the ship.
It took him three weeks, and the crew begrudgingly set sail again.
And hit the rocks again.
“Hooray!” shouted the crew, crawling back to the happy natives.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Some people like coffee. Others prefer tea.
So, when his shipmates raided and plundered, George would grab the tea and coffee.
The tea was useful for bribing British Navy vessels to let them go.
The coffee was useful for bribing American Navy vessels.
George couldn’t stand either coffee or tea.
He preferred rum. Lots of it.
So much, he was pretty much wasted off his ass all day.
No wonder why his aim was so bad with the cannons.
And he tended to steer into the rocks so much.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He also wasn’t a very good public speaker.
At the annual pirate conference, the keynote speaker dropped out at the last minute and the organizers begged George to fill in.
“Sure,” said George. “When is it?”
“Right now,” said the emcee, shoving George on to the stage.
George rambled about himself for an hour, telling endless boring and pointless stories.
The audience booed and rushed the stage, dragging George to the exhibitor’s hall where several vendors were proud to demonstrate the latest available in plank-walking technology and hangman’s nooses.