Category: Weekly Challenge

• Richard
• Lizzie
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RICHARD

Slippery when wet

When people talk about being on the slippery slope, they’re generally only thinking that it’s a downward slope; but that’s just daft, because slopes – like stairs and spirals – go both ways, and it’s often the upward slope that’s the more treacherous!

Take the slope outside my house, for example: It’s just a short, grassy slope, and not particularly steep, but – lazy bugger that I am – it’s just too much trouble to walk the short distance to the steps.

But, after a couple of days of rain, it’s as slippery as hell: And it’s amazing how quickly, up suddenly, becomes down!

LIZZIE

I thought it was risky, but they said “this way”. And we all went “this way”. The problem with blindly following what others say is that we often end up in rather complicated situations. In my defense, there was a sign that clearly said “This Way”. And usually, signs are supposed to be reliable. This time, this particular sign wasn’t. And off we went, blissfully unaware. When we reached the end of the tunnel, they pushed us into the pit. And we had to decide whether to take the blue pill or the red… Wait a second… Alice?! Rewind. Rewind!

SERENDIPIDY

I started on the slippery slope to depravity when I was pretty young.

I was, what can be described as a ‘problem child’; then, they called me ‘disturbed’; ‘wicked’ and eventually, ‘an extremely dangerous individual’.

And all that, before I’d left my teens.

Since then, the slope has taken me ever deeper, slipping and sliding into the fetid mire of moral corruption. And I’ll be frank… I’ve loved every moment.

Eventually, I suppose, that slope will even out and, in time, maybe I’ll reach the bottom: The very depth of human corruptibility.

But, I’m not there yet.

I’m still sliding!

TURA

Slippery slope
———
My father’s heavy hand stopped me as I was going out, one December evening. “Gaein’ doon the big toun, laddie?” he said in his dour Calvinistic way. “That’s a gie slippery slope ye’re set on.”

“Come on, Dad,” I protested, “I’m just seein’ a few friends, ye’ve met most o’ them when we’ve had oor D’n’D sessions up here.”

“Aye, I reckon maybe they’re awright”— this was high praise from him— “but mind yon slippery slope, or Deil tak ye.”

I stepped outside and fell flat on my back on the packed snow.

“Like ah wiz tellin’ ye,” he said.

NORVAL JOE

Hovering near the ceiling, Sabrina opened her eyes and gasped. Billbert lowered them gently to the floor.
Gracilda was ecstatic, jumping up and down. “See? I said the two of you together would have special magical powers.”
Billbert rolled his eyes. “Yeah. This has never happened before.”
The old witch missed his sarcasm. “Yes. Now. You must be careful. Heading down the path of magic, unguided, one can easily slip out of control.”
Billbert shook his head. “I’m going home.”
Sabrina took his arm. “I’ll show you the way. You don’t want to get lost and slide into a ravine.”

PLANET Z

I used to work at a company with a double-deck parking lot.
And the ramps at either end of the upper parking lot were steep.
It was hard to drive up the slope, especially when it rained.
And on the rare days during the winter when it got below freezing, it was impossible to drive up at all.
I didn’t have a parking pass for the lower deck, and they never gave me the code.
So, I parked along the street.
Then I’d try to climb the steps.
Holding the rail and taking each step as slow as I could.

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RICHARD

Just Fine

At first, everything seemed just fine. We breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that disaster, at least this time, had been averted.

That is, until our hair began falling out.

Then, the blistered skin, weeping sores and shortness of breath. It was then only a matter of time before the agony, the fever and eventually death.

They’d lied to us.

The reactor core had not been made safe.

Everything was certainly not fine.

And there was nothing we could do about it.

And neither can you.

Except to say your goodbyes, prepare as best you can, lie down, and wait.

LIZZIE

“What have you done?”
My sister shrugged.
“But your hair…”
She smiled and shrugged again.
“Is something wrong?”
She shook her head and mumbled something about a sign.
“What sign?”
She was moving on, away from vanity.
Being a shampoo model had been very profitable for her.
“What about your job?”
She looked at me.
“No, no no.”

My hair is now long enough for me to take her old job. I’ll get my own place and I’ll be filthy rich. Life is a lot simpler than we think. It just takes a bit longer when we’re talking about hair.

SERENDIPIDY

Mother always used to love it when I brushed her hair. She would sit with me on the sofa, eyes closed, whilst I eased the tangles and knots gently from her long, flowing, locks.

And then we would talk, long into the night, at peace with each other and the world.

Mother died some years back now, and how I miss those conversations.

But, every now and then, I still sit with her on the sofa, her body leaning against mine, whilst I brush her hair, just as I used to when she was alive.

She’d have wanted it so.

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 029

What first appeared as an aquatic bio-mass on longer inspection turned out to be seriously reenforced steel with an ample attached aquatic bio-mass. This was further confirmed by an ever widening hatch. To the company this was not very reassuring and the slow advance of Cervantes drove home a done breath yet vib, expect for John. A woman poked her head out. A shock of red hair and understate Ray Ban. With a lazy index finger she raised the lens. She tosed her hair in a Veronica Lake move and said the following “Charlemagne’s ukulele. “Sweet and low,” replied Arnesto

NORVAL JOE

“Romance?” Billbert asked.
Sabrina grabbed him by his jacket and pulled him toward her. “Yeah. Romance.” She shook back her hair, closed her eyes and puckered her lips.
Gracilda poked Billbert in the back. “Go on, boy. Kiss her.”
Billbert looked around the room and saw that Sabrina was the only one with her eyes closed. All others were on him.
He figured he couldn’t leave until he did what they said and put his hands on Sabrina’s waist. He bent forward and kissed her.
A collective gasp filled the room just before Billbert’s head bumped lightly against the ceiling.

PLANET Z

Charlie never grew any hair.
He had some kind of condition, and we teased him about it.
Charlie didn’t care at all.
Heck, sometimes, he’d joke about it.
Putting on thick black fake eyebrows and a thick black mustache.
And a wild and crazy rainbow wig.
He looked like some kind of crazy Muppet thing.
And he’d talk in a high squeaky voice.
It was funny as hell.
Until he’d show up in your room at 2 in the morning.
Holding a razor to your throat.
“Shave and a haircut, two bits,” he whispered.
We never teased Charlie ever again.

Thank you to everyone for your patience during the migration of this podcast to a new hosting provider.

• Richard
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• Tom
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RICHARD

Late

I’ve just come out from an all-company meeting with the new boss, where he laid down the ground rules he expects everyone to follow.

In particular, he was keen to stress his uncompromising stance on punctuality. “I expect you to be on time: I don’t tolerate anything less. If you’re a minute late, you may as well not turn up at all!”

That went down like a lead balloon!

Shows how little he knows us though… This lot will follow his rules to the letter. And, they’re always late.

Let’s see how he feels after a week without staff!

LIZZIE

The books on the shelf stared at him sternly.
Feeble. Uncompromising. Late.
The titles suggested a series of events that could easily be totally uninteresting or a complete disaster. Being such a positive person, he thought they were a sign that something dreadful was about to happen.
When a car exploded outside (certainly because of some lunatic defending lunatic ideas), he grabbed the three books and ran, hoping to save himself. He was about to burn them when they arrested him. “Subversive, subversive” they shouted.
While they dragged him away, he pondered about the different meanings of the word “late”.

SERENDIPIDY

“Are we there yet?”

You whimper, terrified eyes darting around the room, body twisting and straining against your bonds.

“No”, I continue, slowly and deliberately sharpening my knife, “we’ve still a long way to go.”

I must say, you impressed me greatly; I don’t think anyone has lasted as long as you, and – believe me – I was giving it my all.

And so were you.

However, all good things must come to an end.

And eventually, bruised, bloodied and broken, you too, come to an end.

As you draw your final, feeble breath, I lean close and whisper…

“We’ve arrived.”

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 028

Despite be bound from behind, the man at Parker’s feet executed a move that put him in an Uncompromising position. It would have turned the advantage to the capture, but a second roll of the earth dumped Molly on top of him in yet another Uncompromising position. Feeble he called out to the Captain who promptly yell “Give it up john. Will sort this out later, after we sort out the Leviathan. “What?” queried Ford. The ground broke and a larger eye bore down on the tiny company. “No one take a step,” calmly said Cervantes reaching into a vest pocket.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert scratched his head. “When you say, become a couple, are you saying we need to be a boyfriend girlfriend type couple?”
The old witch smiled at Sabrina and then turned her eyes back on Billbert. “It’s clear you already have a flowering teenage romance. We’re just encouraging that to grow a little more rapidly.”
A feeble old man tottered up to the witch. “It’s getting late, Gracilda. We should let these kids get home.”
Gracilda nodded to the man, but spoke to Billbert. “You have matching rings now, so you’re a couple, officially. But, a little romance won’t hurt.”

PLANET Z

I usually start my day with a banana and peanut butter.
Getting the peanut butter on the banana is the hard part.
I used to peel it then slice it, but it would break apart easily.
That’s when I’d cut off the end and slice it in the peel, then peel it.
It broke apart less easily and often.
Then I put on the peanut butter, stick the two halves together, and there’s breakfast.
Even if it does break apart, well, more pieces, right?
And the peanut butter still glues it together for the minute or so it needs that.

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RUCHARD

100 Words

I’ve never really worked out how to be a success as a writer, because it seems to me there are two options to choose from.

You either avoid the obvious, clichéd tropes, attempt something new and ground-breaking and hope there are people out there, bored of the same old themes and stories, who’ll give you a shot.

Alternatively, you can play it safe: Every story a cliché, every ending a happy one, sticking with the tried and tested formulae, in the hope that there’s still space on the market for you.

Or you could, just write wistful, hundred-word stories!

LIZZIE

“A perfect storm,” he said.
I replied “what comes around goes around”.
He nodded. “If walls could talk…”
“Yup, but sometimes ignorance is bliss.”
He nodded again.
There was a moment of silence while we looked at the sea.
“We must think outside the box.”
I replied, “but we must be careful not to open a can of worms.”
“True. Oh, well. It doesn’t matter anymore. He’s dead as a doornail.”
I smiled. “Good things come to those who wait.”
“And we did wait a long time,” he said.
“We did. My finger was freezing,” I replied, holding the gun.

TURA

Cliché
———
The Archeologist read out his translation of a clay tablet that the Explorer had retrieved from the ruins of an ancient palace.

“It’s a proclamation from the Emperor’s First Minister, about the invasion that within a few years would destroy the empire. It says, ‘To all that it may concern. The Emperor is taking all appropriate measures to deal with the current situation, and anticipates a favourable resolution of the matter in the near future.’”

“Is that all?” said the Explorer disgustedly.

“He was a politician,” replied the Archaeologist. “In five thousand years, did they ever not speak in clichés?”

SERENDIPIDY

Just because I’m not a cliché doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be afraid.

Because, if you think about it, to be a trendy, teenage vampire, with lots of friends, a sense of fun and pretty mean baseball skills is far better cover than lurking in the shadows, sleeping in coffins and displaying an unhealthy interest in all things gothic.

Let’s face it, that sort of behaviour just screams, ‘vampire’, and is going to invite all sorts of unwanted attention and the distinct possibility of waking up to find someone looming over you with a wooden stake.

So, be afraid…

Very afraid!

TOM

What Could GO Possibly Wrong 027

“What goes around comes around,” quipped Parker. “Not that witty, mate,” fired the Captain,” perhaps one less cliché is in order.” “Is that some sort of French chocolate?” ask Molly coated in power. “Round my dear, not ground.” stated Arnesto. Well as gods of time and space would have, it the ground did move (forgive yet another cliché ) “Something has gone to ground, “ said Ford. It was still a moment, then all hell broke loose. No one keep their footing. “Oh no not again,” droned the Captain. “Not if I can’t help it,” said a voice below Parker’s feet.

NORVAL JOE

The old woman ushered them to a corner while the rest of the young people enjoyed Sabrina’s caramel corn and other goodies.
Billbert folded his arms defiantly. “I didn’t want any of your snacks, anyway. They probably have ingredients like eye of newt, or wing of gnat.”
The witch rolled her eyes. “Don’t be cliche. If you understood what magic really is, you would recognize, as I have, that the two of you are the only ones with real power.”
“Sabrina has real magical power?” he asked.
“Yes,” the witch said. “This is why you two must become a couple.”

PLANET Z

Benny Baker is only spoken of in hushed whispers.
His file was taken from the school under armed guard and brought to the district office.
Nobody’s allowed to see it.
And when it was time to computerize all of the district’s records, Benny’s file was kept on paper.
If you search for it, all you’ll get is RESTRICTED.
There was a group of kids who tried to break into the district office to find Benny’s file.
They were never seen again.
So, what about Benny?
He’s buried in the school yard.
With all the other pet hamsters from the kindergarten.

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RICHARD

Brownie Mix

He stared at me coldly across the table, then tapped the bag full of powder that sat between us.

“What is it?” He asked, eyes boring into me.

“Brownie mix”, I replied, with just the briefest hesitation.

“Yeah, right… And I’m the queen of England!” He snorted; “You do realise I can just go out back and test it?”

“So, test it” I retorted.

He sighed, grabbed the bag and left the room. Ten minutes later, he was back.

“Brownie mix! You’re free to go”

I left smiling, thankful he’d not discovered the bag of heroin stuffed up my arse.

LIZZIE

When the neighbor started digging holes in his garden at two in the morning, I thought I should do something about it. I took a spade and trotted across his garden. It was a body missing a finger… I put it back in the ground. Should I call the police? I had committed a crime too, trespassing on his property. When he knocked at my door the next day, I froze. He smiled. “Here, have some brownies. It’s my own brownie mix recipe. I add a pinch of this and a pinch of that.” I sure didn’t like his sneer…

SERENDIPIDY

I always said I’d have revenge, even if I went to the grave in the process.

Which is pretty much how it’s worked out, but I had it my way in the end.

I know you were there, laughing behind the fake tears at my funeral; I know the sly smiles that passed among you, mockingly toasting my departure.

I know you thought you’d beaten me, and that my threats of revenge had come to nothing.

And I know you stuffed yourselves on those brownies at my wake.

My own special mix…

Well, my ashes had to be scattered somewhere!

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 026

Ford raised the pint to eyes and hand the glass to Arnesto. The time lord opened a padded case with form insert the same shape as the duck pint. Closing it he scrabbled the combination lock. Ford eyed the time lord, but could not glean any content. “I will get answer sir.” dryly stated Ford. “Why do I feel so hunger,” said Parker. “Time Riff, Parker. Arnesto you did bring so food, yes?” Smiling he reached in the bag and produced a box of Brownie Mix. Molly grabbed the box and rip it open. Power flew everywhere. “Great start Cervante.”

NORVAL JOE

Still contemplating the ring on his finger, Billbert followed the others into the cottage. Sabrina’s caramel corn and a variety of snacks were spread out on a table.
One distraught boy held a box of brownie mix. “I thought we were going to make the refreshments here.”
A rotund woman took him by the elbow. “Don’t worry, Knockworth, we have time, and eggs.”
Billbert held up his hand in front of Sabrina’s face. “How did this get here?”
Sabrina smiled, but before she could reply, the elderly witch took them aside. “Good. It’s you two I want to speak with.”

TURA

Brownie mix
———
There are two sorts of people: orcs, and food. Considering the variety of peoples in the world, it is no surprise that Orkish cuisine is far more diverse and sophisticated than you would know from Tolkien’s biased account.

All cultures have some sort of stew, but a stew of boggart bellies is the best of all, especially when cut from a live boggart and simmered in a cauldron of hobbitsfoot soup. Our most popular snack, and hard tack on the move, is marnakh’urtul: brownie mix. Dismembered brownies, nixies, and fairy folk of all sorts, pressed and roasted to a crisp.

PLANET Z

I bought a box of brownie mix, but I didn’t realize that it requires eggs.
I’m allergic to eggs, and it’s worse when they’re undercooked.
Sometimes, they’re okay when they’re baked sufficiently.
But an omelet or scrambled eggs or mousse with raw egg is brutal.
So, I error on the side of caution.
And occasionally error on the side of stupid, by buying things I can’t or shouldn’t eat.
The box sits there on the shelf.
And I keep meaning to drop it in a food drive donation bin.
But it’ll eventually expire, and I’ll throw the damn thing out.

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LIZZIE

I wanted that horse toy so badly and my father said “you’ll regret it”. I shoved the toy in my pocket and ran. My father yelled “you’ll regret it”. 40 years later, here I am, still that 10-year old kid at heart. That toy was the beginning of my career. Every time I robbed a bank, I took the horse toy with me, the toy and my father’s voice too. Today, I was arrested. My father looked at me and whispered “do you regret it now?” I shook my head and smiled. It had been one heck of a ride.

RICHARD

A word to the wise

They do say that you don’t have to be old to be wise, and I gained a great deal of wisdom even when I was very young.

I quickly learned that a frown, the threat of tears or a quivering lip would almost instantly result in cuddles, warm milk and lullabies.

Throughout my childhood, I gained greater wisdom, and had a charmed life full of good things, treats and a marked absence of bullying, playground taunts and detention.

Yes indeed, I’d learned the wisdom of letting people know who I was.

And when you’re the son of a Mafia boss…

SERENDIPIDY

I was very young when I was torn from my loving family, enslaved and forced to be a plaything for the very rich.

I was very young to face the reality of a life of pain, loss and grief, of torture, abuse and depravity.

But I wasn’t young forever.

And as I grew, so did my thirst for revenge.

Now that I am older and stronger, and free, I seek recompense.

And I will have it, at any cost.

I’m coming.

Not for you.

But for your children.

So, guard your very young, for I am coming to take them!

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 025

As limb and torsos became untangled and the grumbling made way to a silent that match the silents of the ruined city again the first voice to speak was the Captain. “I was very young when a last beheld this sky line.” The sun set in a greenish glow. Ford turned to Cervantes. “Your work, sir?” “Time’ s work, Ford.” Molly wrapped her arms about herself and rocked back and forth. Parker found the remains of a chair and offered it to her. “We all seem to be in one piece,” said the Time Lord, “Now who’s got the duck pint?”

NORVAL JOE

The giggles faded away and silence settled over the gathering.
The old woman turned the flashlight on Billbert and shuffled toward him.
Sabrina’s mouth hung open in shock.
The old witch looked at Sabrina. “Close your mouth dear, a bug might fly in.”
Before Billbert could laugh the woman turned on him, her dark eyes cutting into him. “I was very young once, too…”
She looked at Billbert’s hand. “Fortunately, the ceremony is complete. Go eat your caramel corn.”
As everyone headed off to the cottage, Billbert noticed the ring on his finger and wondered when that had gotten there.

PLANET Z

I was very young, and I didn’t know anything.
And I would ask people if they wanted to play a game.
“Okay, it’s your turn,” I’d say.
And I’d stand there, staring at them.
Whatever they did, I’d say “Three points.”
It didn’t matter what they did. It was always three points.
If they asked it was my turn, I’d say “It’s still your turn.”
Sometimes, I’d shout “FOUL!”
Other times, I’d shout “TIME OUT!”
And wait a while, then shout “OKAY, TIME IN!”
Even though I am old, I still like to play games.
And it’s still your turn.

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LIZZIE

The asinine brochure with the inept typo managed to convince her, in a moment of complete vulnerability, she should add, to go find a beach somewhere and age happily. She did. And the beach was lovely, yes, except for the fact that the damn seagulls pooped all over her little paradise. She thought there’d be other people around. But no, nobody, not a single soul. No fish either. So, she had to practice her skills on the pooping seagulls. It was a nasty sight. And she couldn’t even eat them… She had given up on meat a long time ago.

RICHARD

Kids

Kids of that certain age… Too noisy, too much energy, and way too taxing for any parent, no matter how loving or conscientious.

Before I came up with the perfect solution, I tried it all: Bribery, threats, pleading, but still nothing would stop them running around the house, wreaking havoc.

I tried vodka – first for myself, then I tried it on the youngsters. It just made them even more hyper, and when they weren’t hyper, they were stumbling around drunk, completely trashing the place.

You won’t see them running around today though.

I’ve Velcroed them to the carpet!

Another vodka?

SERENDIPIDY

I possess what you might call a thin veneer of respectability – outwardly, to the casual observer, I was pleasant enough, even what you might call sociable.

However, scratch the surface, and you’d soon find a streak of pure evil.

Dishonesty, greed and avarice are my vices, and there’s little I won’t do to satisfy them; and, as far as I’m concerned the end always justifies the means.

And best of all, absolutely nobody suspects a thing. Everyone thinks I’m salt of the earth and butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth.

All because of that, completely fake, thin veneer of respectability.

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 024

A thin veneer of reality streaked across the ages. Bodies falling of bodies in a huge puppy pile of human. It looked like Guernica on a bad hair day. Lot of groans and colorful language. The first intelligent voice was surprisingly the captain. A true Douglas Adams moment. “Said the Petunias: Oh no not again.” The next quip was “Curse you Cervantes,” from Molly who somehow had sole ownership of the pint glass. If only for a second. Seeing the gun man had lost his restraints Parker set the pint glass on his forehead again. A oh no not again moment.

NORVAL JOE

hey all waited silently in the dark woods for so long that Billbert couldn’t help himself and asked, “Is it time for the caramel corn?”
He heard giggles from the boys and girls before the old woman asked, “Warren? Warren? Where’s the flashlight?”
A man cleared his throat. “Oh. Sorry.”
A light flashed on and illuminated a woman of advanced age, a wavy black streak wormed through her silver hair. She turned toward the boys and girls in the darkness. “Which one of you spoke?”
All the boys and girls knew it was Billbert, so he admitted, “It was me.”

PLANET Z

Alfred Nobel was a misanthrope, hating all people.
This may have motivated him to invest dynamite and other implements of war and death.
But when his brother died and journalists mistook Alfred’s brother for Alfred, the obituaries were vicious and bitter.
“The Merchant of Death?” yelled Alfred. “I will show them!”
And he stopped producing weapons, instead establishing the Nobel Prizes for advances in humanity.
He also established a fund to hunt down and kill the journalists who had insulted him.
Newspaper offices across the world went up in flames.
“I knew that dynamite would come in handy,” said Alfred.

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LIZZIE

“I have a dragon.”
“I have a dragon too.”
“My dragon is bigger than yours.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“Stop it,” shouted the father from the living-room.
“Mine can spit fire.”
“Spit? Haha. Mom says that’s rude.”
“No, it’s not, not in dragons.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it isn’t!”
“Stop it now.”
Two seconds of silence.
“Your dragon’s pooping fire.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Then… what’s that?”
“It’s… It’s… He had chili, so there.”
This time, silence lasted longer. One of the kids sulked while the other wondered if dragons really ate chili.

RICHARD

Fight fire with fire

Uncle Eddie always said ‘fight fire with fire’, and although I never really understood what he was on about, it seemed to make sense in a backwards sort of a way, so I adopted it into my own philosophy.

I figured that the same principle could be applied to most things.

It didn’t really work out.

I flooded the bathroom when I tried fixing a leak, fighting water with water.

My house fell down when I fought a termite infestation… With termites.

And, a word to the wise:

Never put out a burning barbecue with a blow torch…

And petrol!

SERENDIPIDY

“Burn the witch”, they chanted, whipped up into a killing frenzy by the inquisitors.

I was roughly dragged from the cart, then bound firmly to the stake at the centre of the pyre, the chanting of the crowd growing ever louder as the moment drew close.

A cheer went up as the torches were lit and touched to the pitch-soaked brushwood beneath my feet, igniting instantly.

As the flames climbed higher, I laughed in their faces, for you cannot fight fire with fire.

And the fire that burns within me, burns with greater ferocity than any puny funeral pyre!

TOM

What Could Go Possible Wrong 022

Ford found himself watching Parker’s ghost into frame. He knew exactly what was going on. 12 planes where aligning and he had to pick one pretty soon. Like jumping on a spinning round-about. But doing it wearing cement Wellies. And just like a pair of Wellies a lose fit a best. Ford judged plane number seven would be the least packed in this matrix. Would have work just fine if had been for Cervantes elbow. Ghostly blue a first, but coming in solid straight at his forehead. At least he was doing better than the Captain’s knee to the groin.

What Could Go Possible Wrong 023

Cervantes took a deep breath, felt the blue slide across his arm. He had to keep the pint glass at eye level. Not as ez as one would image. A quick glance to the ground a truck of man took form. Then an arm comes across this left eye. His brain was now slowing down, only broad strokes of thought came into view. “Fight fire with fire,” an internal synapse fired. No smoke here. It’s nice here. Let’s just roll with the punches. The Crazy World of Arthur Brown ear-wormed into his head. “I’m fighting fire, I am the fireman.”

TURA

Fight fire with fire
———
In the province of 火战火 Huǒzhànhuǒ, water is scarce, but natural petroleum seeps are common. If your house catches fire, there is no possibility of extinguishing it with water. A small fire can be smothered with sand, but when out of control, people encourage the blaze with buckets of petroleum. The building is razed in short order, instead of smouldering on for days.

This is their general attitude. Lagging students are expelled from school. All serious crimes are capital.

And when Covid swept through, they let it take whoever it took, and increased the size and frequency of their festivals.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert realized all the adults around the fire and all the teenagers in the two lines were staring at him. Uncomfortable with their attention, he quickly took the gaudiest ring in Sabrina’s outstretched hand and slipped it onto her finger.
“It is done,” crooned an old woman.
Each of the adults produced a ladle from beneath their cloaks and dipped a liquid from a central bucket. They extended their ladles into the flames and the liquid in each caught fire. As one they tipped the burning liquid into the fire. In a flash of golden embers, the campfire went out.

PLANET Z

The word ostracize means to cast out a person from society.
It comes from ostraka, which are oyster shells.
People would write the name of the person to cast out on the shells, and they’d be collected and counted.
The ostracized would be stripped and run out of town, never to return.
Now, when oyster society wants to cast one of their number, it’s a bit harder.
Because so few oysters have names, and even those with names can’t read or write.
But if they wait along enough, humans would collect them all to eat and use as ostracism ballots.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

“Pick one,” he said, looking at the box with small dividers. “They are seeds.”
Seeds always have this promise of a future in them, she thought.
“I choose these. Are they poisonous?”
“No! They are berries, I think.”
She smiled again. She could fall in love with him, she thought.
“I don’t know how long they’ll take to grow.”
She nodded.
Years later, the bush was still there. She had no idea what kind of berries they were but she never touched them.
He did. Needless is to say that he never saw the plant grow.
Temptation is a bitch.

RICHARD

Brains

We used to joke in school that when God handed out brains, Jim thought he said trains, and when asked to pick one, he went for old-fashioned and slow.

Whilst I forged ahead, achieving academic success and accolades, Jim plodded on at his own pace, almost certainly one of life’s losers.

Didn’t work out that way though.

He’s now a multi-millionaire and owns the company I slave away for to make a pittance.

And the secret to his success?

Focus on old-fashioned values, work the problems slowly, and methodically, and – ironically – always use your brain!

SERENDIPIDY

My sister’s a bitch!

You’d think identical twins would get along, but not us. If ever there was an evil twin, it was her, and I was always the nice one.

I could give you hundreds of examples when she stitched me up, but I’ll just pick one: The time she slept with the love of my life by pretending to be me.

I’ve barely spoken to her since.

Until today, when she turned up in tears because he’d dumped her.

Although those tears did nothing to stop me lacing her coffee with strychnine!

So, who’s the evil twin now?

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina’s eyes went wide. A silly smile crossed her face. “Sorry. I forgot to tell you to bring a ring.” She reached into her pocket, pulled out a handful of rings and held them out to Billbert. “Here. Pick one. They all fit me.”
The other boys were already slipping their rings onto their partners’ fingers.
Billbert shook his head. “I’m not going to marry you.”
Sabrina rolled her eyes. “Of course not. We’re just combining our magical strength. To make us complete. I have a ring for you. Now, pick one of these and put it on my finger.”

PLANET Z

Mindy wanted a puppy, so we went to the shelter to pick one out.
“Play with them all,” we said. “But you can only pick one.”
So, she picked a fluffy little mutt, she named it Cindy, and we brought it home.
A few months later, the puppy had grown.
“I said I want a puppy,” said Mindy. “I don’t want a dog.”
She bashed the dog’s head in with a frying pan.
We buried it in the back yard alongside the other dogs.
Eventually, we signed on to foster puppies.
And adopted them out before they incurred Mindy’s wrath.

• Lizzie
• Richard
• Tura
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LIZZIE

She inhaled. Ah, coffee.
The nice librarian had suggested the book “Moving On”.
How appropriate. Her husband was having an affair.
When she returned the book, she found out that her husband was having an affair with none other than the nice librarian.
Good thing she had also picked up “How to Get Rid of Your Old Life”. Lots of interesting advice in it, including a few radical methods of… getting rid of your old life.
Books are extraordinary, and so are libraries.
Nice librarians… not as much. At least, not this one! But even that problem had been solved.

RICHARD

Against the odds

I’ve always liked even numbers. Nice, friendly characters that give you no trouble and never conspire to trip you up.

Not like those nasty, argumentative odd numbers! You know the sort… Those sevens and nines that always mess up the bill or throw out the calculation. The ones that cause arguments at restaurants and make you look an idiot when adding up the groceries.

And don’t tell me fives are friendly – I’m pretty certain they have a hidden agenda!

Give me even numbers any day.

Although, I suppose eights can be tricky, and don’t get me started about those sixes!

TURA

Even
———
“Even as Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed as these; even as the great geographer Lao Shen did not himself traverse the entirety of the Yellow River; and even as Kant confessed that Hume awakened him from dogmatic slumber; even so”— the storyteller began— “I cannot entertain everyone every time.”

After the ritual of abasement, he entered on the ritual of exaltation. “This is the most marvellous story ever told! Worlds created and destroyed! Heights of passion, depths of despair! Cunning twists and sudden revelations!”

Finally, he began the story itself. “It was a dark and stormy night.”

SERENDIPIDY

Even I have feelings.

I grant you that they may not be the sort of feelings generally considered desirable, or appropriate, but they are, nevertheless valid, and without them the world would be a poorer place.

It would indeed be boring if lust, anger, greed and avarice didn’t exist, and how could we ever measure the more ‘virtuous’ qualities and experience their benefits, without their opposites?

The dark side has its place, and without it, we would all be the lesser.

So, thank me, and celebrate my depravity; tell me I’m important, and I matter.

Because, even I have feelings!

TOM

What Could GO Possible Wrong 021

The first time-frame to make contact with the Duck Pint was Park’s. The aspect of the blue was thick, but he could just make out the ghostly appearance of a hand. He tried to turn toward the man in cuffs but time was way too slow to allow that move. Also, Park was having major trouble forming thoughts. He could summon up thing-ness, but act-ness danced outside his ability. “D-a-m-n ,“ he thought. Damn what he thought. Even as the best of time, in spite of some Hidden skill with a pint glass, Park was slow on the up take.

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina grabbed Billbert by the collar of his jacket and pulled him back to the campfire. He hadn’t really paid attention to the route they had taken through the forest and didn’t know his way back out without Sabrina to guide him, so he submitted and went with her.
Adult men and women surrounded the fire while two evenly space lines, one of boys, the other girls faced each other.
Billbert and Sabrina joined their respective lines as an elderly woman said. “Alright. Boys take out your rings and place them on your partner’s finger.”
Billbert choked. “What the heck?”

PLANET Z

There’s a button on my remote that for some reason keeps bringing up water polo.
I have no goddamned idea why it does.
It’s some sort of shortcut to a streaming guide that LG runs that defaults to a sports channel that’s always showing water polo.
The button is right next to my Home button, so I hit it by mistake a lot.
I tried to pry it out of the remote, but the remote’s not having any of that.
We are in an age where one button… ONE BUTTON brings you water polo.
And yet we can’t cure cancer