Category: Weekly Challenge

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Line

Sam had worked at the museum for decades, so long he was like one of the artefacts. One day, in the Modern Master’s Gallery he noticed a nasty smear on one of the pictures. The painter was a local man, long dead and one of the founders of the modern movement The piece was called Line. As the title suggests it was a single black line on a white canvas.

Sam had every good intention as he approached it with his bright orange duster.

But as he left the painting it was less of a line, more of a nothing.

LIZZIE

Every good intention starts with a candle, he thought… at first. The solemn emptiness was cold and the minute light gave him hope, a nervous flicker betraying the uncertainty of the moment. Was he really good enough? Was he worthy? He shifted his weight from one leg to the other. Every good intention starts with a candle. But he doesn’t think that anymore. The nervous flicker turned into a blazing nightmare. No one asked. So, he never mentioned his candle. And when someone said “Shall we light a candle, Father?”, he always remembered the cold horror, crawling up his back.

RICHARD

Every good intention

It always starts with good intentions, but every good intention has a downside.

Be nice to someone: They’ll take advantage. They’ll spread the word you’re a pushover, and before you know it everyone’s taking you for a ride.

So, you stop being a nice guy, and what happens? People treat you like crap and make out you’re doing them wrong.

You can’t win.

I try though, goodness knows I try, but it just comes out wrong.

Like this story. I had every good intention to write something positive and uplifting, but I guess, today is just one of those days!

SERENDIPIDY

You know how it is when starting a relationship. You try to show your best side, smile cheerfully, consider the other person’s feelings, and, difficult though it is, you don’t fart in bed.

You’ve every good intention to cover up the real you, but it’s not long before the cracks begin to show.

And I’m not talking about farting in bed, this time.

You see, cannibalism is a compulsion, not a choice: You can only keep it under wraps for so long.

Up to the second meet up, in my case.

Yes, I’m sorry to say, I ate my date!

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina reached out to Billbert. “You need to take my hand.”
Billbert clutched the bed sheet closer to his chest. “Can’t this wait until later? Like, after I get dressed?”
Sabrina sighed and shook her head. “The sooner we make contact, the sooner you’ll be safe.”
Billbert hadn’t know he was in any danger. “Safe from what?”
She blinked her eyes dramatically. “Demons, of course.”
Billbert gasped. “Demons! You never mentioned demons before.”
“I had every good intention of telling you, but the time never seemed right,” Sabrina shrugged. “Once we’ve connected magically, demons will start trying to kill us.”

PLANET Z

I didn’t mean to hurt you.
But you were going to leave me.
And I didn’t know what to do.
So, I locked you in the basement.
And threw away the key.
Which, I guess, wasn’t a smart idea.
Seeing as how I couldn’t open the door to give you food and water.
I tried to slip them under the door, but other than thin tortillas, I couldn’t get any food under the door.
I’d axe down the door, but my axe is in the basement.
Oh, what’s that noise?
You found it.
And you’re chopping down the door to-

• Lisa
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• Tom
• Norval Joe
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LISA

Deep in the Forest

He knew Little Red was heading his way. It was Sunday afternoon she’d be going to her Grandma’s house. The canopy of trees overhead sheltered him, like a leafy cave. He ran his tongue over sharp glistening teeth, sighed then in a contented fug curled up in a ball and slept.

She was stood over him when he woke holding her father’s hunting knife aloft.

“What a big mistake you’ve made Mr Wolf. Grandma needs a new fireside rug.”

She clasped his neck, stroking his hackles gently whilst deciding where to cut.

She chose.

And the thicket swallowed his howls.

RICHARD

The Orchard

See that thicket of trees, down at the bottom of the garden?

There were no trees there when I was a lad, and I used to sit there in the sun, eating apples and throwing away the cores.

Over the years, I grew up, and so did the seeds I’d sown. They became saplings, then trees, and there you see them now.

They remind me of those happy times: The freedom of youth, and the simple pleasures of childhood.

More than that, their gnarled and twisted bodies reflect my own.

And I sadly recall, that I am older than they.

TURA

Thicket
———
I heard a story from a Vietnam vet. “Fifty men walked into a thicket and never walked out again.”

That’s it, see. That’s the whole story.

I’d actually encountered it before, in a great-great-grandfather’s memoir of some colonial war in darkest Africa. “A hundred soldiers went into the jungle and never came out again.”

Back in Roman times, veterans would tell of three Roman legions that marched into a forest and never marched out again.

“All is vanity,” saith the Preacher, “There is nothing new under the sun, and fifty men walk into a thicket and never walk out again.”

LIZZIE

The tiny hops of joy brought light to a golden field. The sun. The warmth. Her smile covered by a mask. She motioned to pick a flower, but hesitated and smiled.
It wasn’t the time. Let them live, she thought. Let them live.
Cast a spell, the old woman had said. And she smiled once more.
Kindness. She nodded. Was kindness a spell?
Early bird and all that, but with kindness.
The tiny hops of joy brought a glow she could not explain, a glow of gold, a smile of joy. And she hopped, her face covered by a mask.

SERENDIPIDY

“Let’s play hide and seek!” You said.

I knew you would, it was what you always wanted to play. I never got to choose.

“I’ll hide, and you can seek” you said, “Turn around and count to a hundred.”

I turned around, and dutifully started counting. Like always. I never got to hide, you’d always become bored with the game by the time I found you, and then it was all over.

One hundred.

I won’t bother searching. You’d be hiding in the thicket. You always were.

I waited for the screams.

So, I see you found my man trap?

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 037

Bender took a step back from Red. So did Arnesto. Red’s eyes went wide, but she kept her composure. “No sudden moves love.” “Define sudden?” “One where we disappear in a cloud of smoke.” “Your move love.” Red lowered a hand to grab the com. “Ok boys and girl, clear the bridge. That mean both of you two.” she said to Cervantes and Bender. While unhappy with being removed from the equation, both back out gracefully. “So, where did you procure that hype-factoid?” Ford tapped the edge of the glass,” A thicket in Yorkshire in a very old Viking briar. “

NORVAL JOE

Billbert’s mother smiled and blinked rapidly several times. “See Billbert? Sabrina just wants to be your friend. Nothing dangerous.”
Billbert sat up, keeping the sheet across his lap. “She’s a witch, mom. She could cast a spell on me in a second. Wiggle her fingers and say, ‘Rabbit in a thicket’, and I’d be twitching my nose and hopping away.”
His mother laughed. “Son. You have quite the imagination.”
Sabrina nodded her head. “She’s right, Billbert. You have a really good imagination. The spell, Rabbit in a thicket, doesn’t turn you into one, it only makes you fast like one.”

PLANET Z

We pick up the map, and into the woods we go.
The witch waits for us. Watches us in her crystal ball.
An open fire.
A potion bubbling in her cauldron, green fog spilling across the weeds.
The woodland creatures breathe in the fog, their eyes glowing green.
And they sing. They sing a low, moaning tone.
And walk, and crawl, and fly around the cauldron.
“Hi,” we say, holding out the map. “We got your invitation.”
The witch sticks a finger in the potion, licks her finger, and smiles.
“It’s ready,” she says, and we all have a drink.

• Lisa
• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tura
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

It was 1967 the smell of Evening in Paris hung heavy in the air. Brenda was twisting for all she was worth. A Cherry B waiting for her back at her table. Bert had at last plucked up the courage to talk.

“I’ve got a proposal!”

“Get you! We’ve only just met…”

He loved the ease with which she spoke. He wanted to marry her tomorrow.

“Errrr. Do you fancy going for a drink?”

She thought he looked like the son of Godzilla.

“Can’t. Me Mam wouldn’t like it!” He understood and Brenda escaped to go drink her Cherry B.

LIZZIE

He twisted the cord of the phone. The sweet smell of success in a single sentence. Nothing felt better than to hear someone say “I hate you”. He grinned. Hate is such a gracious way of living. He hated everyone and he was happy. No one bothered him. He bothered no one. And he was happy. The day he fell in the living-room, a sharp pain on his chest, he wasn’t alone. The dark tall figure by the door grinned and said “It’s time.”
All he could mutter was “I hate you” but this time he was definitely not happy.

RICHARD

The Proposal

I wanted my marriage proposal to be memorable. Something different and unusual, as well as being totally unexpected.

I considered all the usual variations on the theme… The ring in the bottom of a wine glass, baked into a fortune cookie or delivered to my sweetheart by a pure white dove.

But none of them really appealed to me, and besides, they’d all been done before.

In the end, I settled for simple and traditional: On one knee in a restaurant.

There’s an unexpected twist to this story though…

It was only then she told me she was already married!

SERENDIPIDY

If women knew what really goes into their perfumes, I’m sure they’d have second thoughts about putting them on their skin.

Trust me, I know. I’ve been in the business for years, and parfumiers aren’t reluctant about seeking out the most exotic and disgusting bases for their scents.

They’ll use waste petroleum products, animal secretions and nameless extractions from sources you really don’t want to know.

The perfumes I make are no exception. I won’t say what’s in them, but let’s just say animals, and people, were harmed in their manufacture.

But, for me, they’re the sweet smell of success.

TURA

Godzilla; trust
———
“I have found an interesting new race,” said One. “If they burst out from their planet into the galaxy, they promise greatness or great destruction. It has been many rotations since their like was seen.”

“Let us give them the Godzilla test,” said Two. “A superweapon where, if one uses it, they dominate the world, but if another retaliates, the world is destroyed. If they can develop the mathematics of trustworthiness, then in half a rotation we may greet them. If not, they eliminate themselves.”

On Earth, several nuclear physicists awoke from strange dreams bearing the key to unweave matter.

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 035

“Watch your head,’ said Bender as he lowered the hatch of the Leviathan. Ford could feel the bulk of the ship swinging to the north. But that didn’t make any sense. The Thames was to the south. A flurry of voices rose from the command bridge just below them. Cutting through the cross talk a single order boomed out. “Engage the Chewy.” The cry of a 1000 knives scrabbing cross stone echo in Ford’s bones. The Chewy was boring through the stone directly below St Marks. At same time they moved forward, the Chewy was taking them downward at six degrees.

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 036

“Arnesto, where are we going?” ask Ford. “To hell,” cut in Red “well damn near close to it.” Bender had placed himself to Red’s side while she continued. “ I have a proposal. We get you to your destination, we get the pint glass. Let both our overlord swim in the sweet smell of success.” “Deal.” said Cervantes. “Don’t I get a say in this?” stated Ford. “Why Ford, how unlike you.” raised Bender. “ You really don’t have a clue what this is all about. Do you?” Fort produced a shoot glass from his vest. All got very quiet.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert froze. Sabrina was in his bedroom and he had been sleeping in his underwear. He tried to twist around beneath his sheet to turn over without exposing himself. “Mom. Really? You brought her into my bedroom?”
His mother laughed. “Don’t you trust me, son? I wouldn’t let her attack you, if that’s what you’re afraid of. She said she has a proposal for you and it will just take a second.”
Billbert sighed. “You don’t know her mom. This proposal could be a life sentence.”
Sabrina giggled. “Really Billbert. It’s not like I’m asking you to marry me. Yet…”

PLANET Z

There was a mistake in the proposal.
One sentence removed from a draft had made it back in.
Instead of setting up a trust for his grandchildren, Elias was giving everything to charity.
At least that’s what the grandchildren’s lawyers claimed in court.
The charity’s attorneys disputed it.
“I hate those bastards,” they read from a letter. “Fuck them all.”
After years of litigation, there was no money left for either side to fight.
The charity folded. The grandkids had to get jobs.
And the lawyers laughed.
“I hate those lawyer bastards!” is what the old man had actually written.

• Lisa
• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

25th July 1976

I can still remember the day, I mean, I was contemplating faking my own death. I’d got chewy stuck in my hair. God knows how. I wasn’t even allowed Chewing Gum. To make things worse I’d bought it with the money for the church collection. I hadn’t gone to church. So God was after me as well as Mum and I knew my Mum would kill me. So I hid, frightened for hours. By seven I was starving so skulked home, Mum was relieved, said she thought I was dead.

She didn’t even notice the gum knotted in my hair.

LIZZIE

“I like it chewy.”
The man sitting by her side opened his eyes and sneered. “You have no teeth. How can you like it chewy?”
“I have teeth!”
“Yeah, OK, you have teeth.”
“Look.” The woman opened her mouth.
“What in the name of God is that?!”
She grinned as a set of four metal teeth slid down from inside the gum. “New thing.”
“That looks frightening.”
“But it’s very handy.” She grabbed the metal jar where a bunch of wooden spoons rested, and ripped a chunk out of it.
“Yes, handy, I bet. No more problems with cans, huh?”

RICHARD

Cordon Bleuggh!

“What do you think?” she asked as I speared a piece of something that might have been meat, and popped it into my mouth.

I gave her a look that could have been a smile or a grimace, “It doesn’t taste too bad, but it’s a little chewy.”

She looked disappointed.

“What is it?” I asked, then added, “Do I really want to know?”

“Shoe leather, and wood shavings” she muttered, then defiantly: “But I marinaded it for over a week!”

Manfully, I knuckled down to finish my meal.

My fault… I married her for her looks, not kitchen skills!

SERENDIPIDY

I’ve heard many objections to cannibalism.

Apparently, eating human flesh is morally wrong, bad for the health and a primitive custom with no place in modern society.

They also ask me why, if it tastes like chicken, don’t I simply eat chicken?

They’re wrong, of course… It tastes more like pork, and let’s be fair, everyone loves a bit of crispy bacon!

Although, I do have one objection of my own: People tend to be a bit chewy.

Then someone told me I should take the wrapper off first.

So, now I skin them, and they’re tender as can be!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert lay back in his bed with his phone to his ear. “Okay, Sabrina. If we have to meet, come by later this morning. Right now I’m going back to sleep.”
Before Billbert could power off the phone, Sabrina said, “Wait. I’m outside on the front porch right now?”
“Come back later,” Billbert growled, shut off the phone, and pulled his pillow over his head.
A moment later Billbert’s mother opened his bedroom door. “Billbert, dear. You have a visitor.”
Sabrina stepped into the room. “I brought you some left over caramel corn. It’s a bit chewy, but still tasty.”

PLANET Z

I like Rice Krispies Treats.
If you mix them right, they become chewy, and they flex and tear apart with the heat in your fingers.
If you mix them wrong, they’ll become solid bricks or brittle blocks.
Or mushy gooey blobs which stick to their wrappers.
You can try to bake them more, but they’ll become solid bricks.
Or burn.
What’s my secret? Why are mine always perfect?
I buy them prepackaged from Kellogg’s.
Then I unwrap them and put them out on the tray.
They’re so much better than those Chips Ahoy cookies you pass off as your own.

• Lisa
• Lizzie
• Richard
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Free

The hand painted sign outside said ‘Free Kittens’, an arrow pointed up towards a derelict looking house. Children passed by on their way to school and saw him standing upstairs, watching them through a broken pane. There were whispers and warnings in the town. Even if there really were kittens and everyone knew there weren’t, no one in their right mind would go in.

Except Lynn.

They found the body the next day hanging from a dressing gown belt. No one could know for sure if Lynn was anything to do with it. But no one mentioned seeing her visit.

LIZZIE

Bow and bow again. No end to the bowing. No end to not looking straight in his eyes. No soul. No tears. Just bow. Bow and scream inside, because you’re alive. You’re alive and he thinks you’re dead. He thinks you have lost your way. He thinks you are nobody. You belong to him. You’re dead. So, bow. Stretch your arms defiantly and bow, again and again until he understands. It’s no longer submission. It’s preparation. It’s knowing. It’s getting ready to jump and run. And when he finally figures it all out, yes… by then, you’ll be long gone.

RICHARD

Nothing

Nothing in life is free, apparently.

I decided to put it to the test.

I searched for ‘nothing’ on Amazon, but without success; so I tried Ebay, Etsy and those sites purporting to sell specialist items you can’t buy anywhere else.

But none of them had nothing on sale.

I took a trip to the nearest out of town shopping complex. In every store, they’d ask, “What are you looking for, Sir?”, “Nothing” I’d respond, and they’d walk away, shaking their heads.

I can’t confirm that nothing in life is free.

I can’t find any of the damn stuff!

SERENDIPIDY

I was feeling an urge to find inner peace and be at one with the universe, so I joined a new age retreat.

Free your mind’, they told me.

Easier said, than done.

But then I got the hang of it, and soon I could free my mind at will.

But I went too far.

My mind, once free, began to unravel and escape from the confines of my own consciousness. It grew in strength and power, reaching out to touch the minds of those around me.

And now, we’re all free.

A bunch of completely mindless, gibbering, happy idiots.

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 034
The Captain walked over to John. All eyes were transfixed on Red.
“Better set me free mate,” said the man with multiple pint glass lumps
on his head. “We will be playing nicely?” “I’ll bide my time.” The
Captain remove a dirk and cut the bounds. He rose slowly causing Ford to
swing toward the pair. John nodded wickedly. Ford just shook his head.
He and Arnesto made their way to the gangway. They had a good idea
Bender had some connection to John. Parker half way on the gangway saw
Captain and John on the move. Not good he thought.

NORVAL JOE

Saturday morning at 8:30, Billbert’s phone rang. He had thought he would have the chance to sleep in after the late night at the weather witch’s gathering. Through bleary eyes he checked caller ID. “Sabrina,” he groaned letting it go to voicemail.
A minute later, it rang again.
“Hello?” he croaked.
“Hi Billbert.” She sounded way too cheerful. “I can come by to make contact, if you’re free.”
He sighed. “I’m not free, but I am cheap.”
Sabrina sounded sufficiently confused. “What?”
“Sorry. It’s my dad’s joke. Can’t this wait until Monday at school?”
“No, silly. Daily means every day.”

PLANET Z

Sure, Lincoln freed the slaves, but did he?
Was Washington Jackson free?
He still worked on the plantation he worked on as a slave, but he was now leasing the land as a sharecropper.
He didn’t know how to read, so he couldn’t pass the test to vote.
Not that he could pay the tax.
If he went into town, he could be arrested as a vagrant and sent to a work camp to “work off his sentence.”
Where he could be whipped and even killed without consequence.
No, he wasn’t free.
And his son… and grandson wouldn’t be, either.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

A new business venture…

There were sixteen tubs of vanilla ice-cream melting on the kitchen worktop and there was no room to butter my toast.

“Can you check the traps again? I just need four more…” He shouted as he pulled another roasting tray from the oven.

I exhaled slowly, choosing my words really carefully. “Could we chat later? I really need to get to work and I’m not sure Mice Cream is the answer you hope it’ll be”

He replied dropping the roasted mice in the blender with ice cream “Pet food is big money.”

Our own cats were nowhere to be seen.

RICHARD

Mice cream

They said it would never work.

It didn’t matter that we’d scientific proof that pulverised mice, mixed with a specific quantity of other, ingredients – which for the time being, will remain a commercial secret – would produce a creamy, pink lotion, which when applied to the skin could significantly reduce the signs of aging.

The difficulty, of course, lay in the marketing. Nobody could bring themselves to try mice cream.

So, we went back to the drawing board, renamed it butyliceric-isomer amino-propylate, and tried again.

It sold like hot cakes, and we made a killing.

It tastes great in sandwiches too!

LIZZIE

“Mice? No, no. Forget about that.”
The man stood at the entrance. He hesitated. The smell was obnoxious but the hunger… oh, the hunger.
“With carrots. A carrot creamy soup. Much better than with mice.”
Someone murmured in agreement.
He ventured inside. Two men were skinning mice. It was disgusting.
“Add some spices. Oh, yes? Are you hungry, my friend?”
He didn’t know anymore.
“Have some soup.” The man smiled.
His stomach growled, so he did. It was not that bad.
In the bowl, he found a large chunk of bone.
“Mice?”
The men looked at each other and sneered.

SERENDIPIDY

Hickory dickory dock, those mice are driving me mad, around the clock.

The whole house is infested with the vermin, and nothing I’ve tried so far is doing the trick.

They avoid the traps, seem to be completely immune to poison, and they’ve driven the cat away.

So, now it’s just me and the mice.

Well, not strictly just me. There’s also an opened bottle of Jack Daniels at my side, next to which lies my favourite semi-automatic pistol.

I swallow a mouthful of Jack, before taking aim, quietly muttering, as I pull the trigger:

“Hickory, dickory… Glock!”

Mice cream!

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 032

From the weathered landing Bender gave Ford a knowing look. Ford maintained steely contact with the raven-haired man. There was no varnishing over the fact the only explanation for his presence was at the pleasure of her royal personage. “Preventative Maintenance,” whispered Arnesto,” let it go brother.” He’d let it go years ago take the path of the scholar. All the same when you are staring into the eye for reason for that course change, it doesn’t blunt the blow. “Say it Fort,” prompted Cervantes. Ford drew breath and raise his voice in respected.” Salutations to the 2nd Time lord. “

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 033

When Molly had made her way into the hack of the ship, she saw the strangest emblem on the surface of the inner hull. A gray rodent lapping at a bowl of what appeared to be snow white diary. “Mice Cream,” she laughed. As always, your humble narrator is at your ready to fill in the fine points of the author internal thought process. Mice is M I C E Masters In the Court of Elizabeth. You may ask who and what, but I would council let the pose led you to that knowledge. But, maybe a hint, not good.

TURA

Contact; Explanation
———
From the Laboratory Manager:

I’ve found some very old bottles containing transgenic ichneumon larvae and preserved monstrous embryos of unrecorded provenance in the cleaners’ cupboard on floor 15 of the West Tower. I believe most of this belonged to Amelia Brackett, who left us twenty years ago. It’s almost certainly beyond use and unrelatable to any extant project. There are other names on some items— let me know if you think the materials might be yours.

I will destroy this material according to standard practice unless the owner contacts me immediately. The Aurors may assist in obtaining a full explanation.
———

Mice cream
———
There are always mice in here. Me, I’d just shut the place down for a couple of days and get fumigators in. But no, the owners can’t bear killing the poor wee things, although they don’t seem to have a problem operating a dairy processing plant. Anyway, my job’s to put out humane traps, and release the mice into a field. I can’t be arsed with that. I brought in an industrial blender, and just to spite them, how d’you think I get rid of the liquidised mice? People rave about the meaty flavour of our butter and double cream.

NORVAL JOE

Sabrina held Billbert’s hand as they continued through the forest. The night was so silent that when Billbert’s stomach growled Sabrina heard it and commented, “Oh. I’m sorry. We left before you could have some of the refreshments. We could stop and get something on the way home.”
Billbert considered. “We could stop at Baskin Robins and get some ice cream.”
“Mice cream?” Sabrina asked.
Billbert laughed and asked, “They do?”
Sabrina blinked, “Do what?”
“Scream.”
“Who?”
“The mice.”
“What mice?”
Billbert could see that any humor from his original joke was long lost, so he gave up. “Never mind.”

PLANET Z

Up on the Olympic Peninsula, where lavender farms grow and the locals hold an annual lavender festival, I remember there being an ice cream stand with all kinds of flavors of ice cream.
Lavender ice cream was popular, for certain, but they had all kinds of unusual homegrown flavors.
There were a lot of marijuana grow farms out there, so marijuana-infused ice cream was also popular.
The employees were always mixing up the marijuana-infused flavors and the regular flavors.
Once, a mouse fell into the mixer.
It was a marijuana-infused variety.
“It’s a little crunchy,” said the perpetually-stoned store owner.

• Lisa
• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

LISA

Writing a thriller

It was remote, like really remote. But I’d felt I had to get away – the nearest neighbour was probably about ten minutes away by car and I didn’t drive. There was no one to hear you scream, you know? The weather got pretty scary out there too. It was awful really there he was in a thunderstorm up a ladder doing preventative maintenance (his words) while I was inside by the fire with a glass of wine. Honestly? I was just waiting for the rungs I’d sawn through yesterday to give way so I could enjoy my isolated writers retreat.

LIZZIE

“The landing was scheduled for eleven. What’s going on?”
The voice on the phone stumbled.
“I don’t care. Where are they?”
Some problem…
“Are they coming or not?”
Silence.
“If they aren’t coming, I need to dispose of these samples. You know how human samples deteriorate quickly and the fridge you left here is crap.”
A chuckle.
“Oh, funny, is it? You won’t find it so amusing when it’s your turn to do a tour here on Earth and have your crappy fridge stuffed with beers just because you don’t want them to think you’re an alien, which you are!”

RICHARD

Varnish

It’s all about preventative maintenance: The old ‘stitch in time saves nine’ philosophy.

That’s why I’ve spent the last ten years varnishing all my external woodwork, to protect against the worst of the weather.

Fences, decking, doors and windows have all received the treatment, and after all this time, it had better be worth it.

I never expected it to take quite as long as it did, but then again, I’ve no idea why the varnish comes in such tiny bottles.

The wife always buys it for me… She gets it from the same place she buys her make-up, apparently.

SERENDIPIDY

If you look out of the window at midnight, you’ll see them landing.

They’ll exit their spaceship and make their way slowly to the house, and – as always – I’ll be here waiting for them.

They’ll stare at me, from those dark, alien eyes, set in those grey, pallid faces, and then motion for me to follow them back to their craft.

Once inside, they’ll strip me, strap me to a cold metal table, and then…

And then, they’ll produce the anal probe.

Who could have possibly known that first contact would be quite so unsettling?

And yet, so much fun!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert charged away into the darkness. Sabrina ran to catch up to him and took hold of his hand.
“Slow down, Billbert. I’m trying to give you an explanation.”
He considered her hand in his. It felt warm. Warmer than his own, but he didn’t want to let go.
“Okay,” he said. “Explain what weather witches are and why I need to make daily contact with you. That doesn’t mean kissing, does it?”
Sabrina giggled. “Weather witches need to be polarized to be most effective. Therefore, we need daily contact with our counterparts. Kissing is a nice way to contact.”

PLANET Z

The landing areas were all far from the base.
So if a ship blew a landing, it wouldn’t damage the base with its wreckage.
Or if there was a problem with fuel tanks, the tunnel airlocks could cut off oxygen from the explosions.
Sure, it took a while to get cargo and people to and from the landing areas, but after one particularly nasty accident, the base design proved itself worthy.
Instead of killing thousands of workers and researchers and damaging priceless equipment, the company just had to string out a few replacement fuel lines and gather up the scrap.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Too much

I’m all for the older generation living life to the full.

For example, I don’t have a problem with silver surfers, the internet kind or those that go out to catch a wave and show the young ‘uns how it’s done.

But sometimes there’s a line that has to be drawn.

I went to the old folk’s home yesterday to visit grandma, and they were having a ‘night of entertainment’

There she was, up on the stage, gyrating to Miley Cyrus, dressed only in a bikini and her colostomy bag.

Then she whipped off the bikini!

Too much… Too bare!

LIZZIE

It was just too much. Pack your bags, quickly. And this urgency… This overwhelming fear… How can we choose which parts of our lives are salvageable? Photos, documents, diaries, books? Books? Which ones, because they are so heavy… Just one. Choose one, quickly. And we don’t know which one to choose. I chose “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”. It’s small and oh, so big. And we took some seeds. Seeds are light. We need seeds to start over. The bags were placed at the door, side by side with the million steps that would take us away, for now.

SERENDIPIDY

Kids today!

A bunch of entitled, spoiled snowflakes, the lot of them!

Mark my words, we’re breeding a generation of spineless, whiners, with a chip on their shoulder and absolutely no character.

And how has this come about?

Well, you know the expression, ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’? Now we’re living with the consequences.

As a youngster, when I misbehaved I got the strap, the cane or the belt.

And, when all that got too much to bear, I turned the tables, and it was my parents turn for a beating.

And it never did me any harm!

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 030

From the breaching Leviathan deck descended a slimy gangway. “That’L be a slippery slope to hell that be,” said Molly. “That will be our ridge,” replied Ford. “When hell freezes over, deary” The captain tossed her a crown. In two beat she was halfway up the gangway. “You know the red head, Arnesto?” inquired Ford. “So do you, Ford, or will, wait did.” “I thnik I would have remembered a woman like that.” Red turn toward Ford and removed her Ray Ban. “Hello, Titus.” she called. Ford froze in place felled my a memory of ancient force. “Constance Emerbee.” screamed Ford.

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 031

It was almost Too much to bear concerned Ford. He’d been so much in love. She had been so ever chasing rainbows and unicorns. Actually, found one, but that’s another story. Ford had lost track of her over a decade ago. Was Africa or Asia, did it really matter, might have well been the moon. Which is actually another story also. He turned to Arnesto,” Did you know this was going to happen?” he asked. “No, Ford. I thought it was going to be him.” A tall hooded figure appeared next to Red. He flipped his hood. It was Bender.

NORVAL JOE

Gracilda grabbed Billbert. “Wait. Don’t go. I must explain the responsibilities you will have with the weather witches as you advance in power and competence.”
Sabrina nodded at him, her eyes wide and hopeful.
“Responsibilities, power, competence?” Billbert griped. “I didn’t ask for any of this. It’s too much for a kid to bear. Besides. This isn’t magic. It’s my superpower.”
Gracilda scoffed. “I know magic when I see it. For your magic, and Sabrina’s, to advance you must maintain daily contact.”
Billbert just wanted to leave. “Whatever. I’ll talk to her, but I’m not going to kiss her everyday.”

PLANET Z

Yeah, we argued a lot.
But she was stubborn.
I swear, I didn’t mean to kill her.
She told me to sit down, and she sat in front of me.
Then she tugged on my boot, trying to pull it off.
After that, well, I don’t remember.
But she was lying on the ground, her head had hit something, and there was a boot print in her face.
I swear I didn’t mean it.
But it happened.
Do I remember anything else?
Yes. I remember saying one thing: “Shouldn’t you use that bootjack over there?”
But she was so stubborn.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tura
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Slippery when wet

When people talk about being on the slippery slope, they’re generally only thinking that it’s a downward slope; but that’s just daft, because slopes – like stairs and spirals – go both ways, and it’s often the upward slope that’s the more treacherous!

Take the slope outside my house, for example: It’s just a short, grassy slope, and not particularly steep, but – lazy bugger that I am – it’s just too much trouble to walk the short distance to the steps.

But, after a couple of days of rain, it’s as slippery as hell: And it’s amazing how quickly, up suddenly, becomes down!

LIZZIE

I thought it was risky, but they said “this way”. And we all went “this way”. The problem with blindly following what others say is that we often end up in rather complicated situations. In my defense, there was a sign that clearly said “This Way”. And usually, signs are supposed to be reliable. This time, this particular sign wasn’t. And off we went, blissfully unaware. When we reached the end of the tunnel, they pushed us into the pit. And we had to decide whether to take the blue pill or the red… Wait a second… Alice?! Rewind. Rewind!

SERENDIPIDY

I started on the slippery slope to depravity when I was pretty young.

I was, what can be described as a ‘problem child’; then, they called me ‘disturbed’; ‘wicked’ and eventually, ‘an extremely dangerous individual’.

And all that, before I’d left my teens.

Since then, the slope has taken me ever deeper, slipping and sliding into the fetid mire of moral corruption. And I’ll be frank… I’ve loved every moment.

Eventually, I suppose, that slope will even out and, in time, maybe I’ll reach the bottom: The very depth of human corruptibility.

But, I’m not there yet.

I’m still sliding!

TURA

Slippery slope
———
My father’s heavy hand stopped me as I was going out, one December evening. “Gaein’ doon the big toun, laddie?” he said in his dour Calvinistic way. “That’s a gie slippery slope ye’re set on.”

“Come on, Dad,” I protested, “I’m just seein’ a few friends, ye’ve met most o’ them when we’ve had oor D’n’D sessions up here.”

“Aye, I reckon maybe they’re awright”— this was high praise from him— “but mind yon slippery slope, or Deil tak ye.”

I stepped outside and fell flat on my back on the packed snow.

“Like ah wiz tellin’ ye,” he said.

NORVAL JOE

Hovering near the ceiling, Sabrina opened her eyes and gasped. Billbert lowered them gently to the floor.
Gracilda was ecstatic, jumping up and down. “See? I said the two of you together would have special magical powers.”
Billbert rolled his eyes. “Yeah. This has never happened before.”
The old witch missed his sarcasm. “Yes. Now. You must be careful. Heading down the path of magic, unguided, one can easily slip out of control.”
Billbert shook his head. “I’m going home.”
Sabrina took his arm. “I’ll show you the way. You don’t want to get lost and slide into a ravine.”

PLANET Z

I used to work at a company with a double-deck parking lot.
And the ramps at either end of the upper parking lot were steep.
It was hard to drive up the slope, especially when it rained.
And on the rare days during the winter when it got below freezing, it was impossible to drive up at all.
I didn’t have a parking pass for the lower deck, and they never gave me the code.
So, I parked along the street.
Then I’d try to climb the steps.
Holding the rail and taking each step as slow as I could.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Tom
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

RICHARD

Just Fine

At first, everything seemed just fine. We breathed a sigh of relief, grateful that disaster, at least this time, had been averted.

That is, until our hair began falling out.

Then, the blistered skin, weeping sores and shortness of breath. It was then only a matter of time before the agony, the fever and eventually death.

They’d lied to us.

The reactor core had not been made safe.

Everything was certainly not fine.

And there was nothing we could do about it.

And neither can you.

Except to say your goodbyes, prepare as best you can, lie down, and wait.

LIZZIE

“What have you done?”
My sister shrugged.
“But your hair…”
She smiled and shrugged again.
“Is something wrong?”
She shook her head and mumbled something about a sign.
“What sign?”
She was moving on, away from vanity.
Being a shampoo model had been very profitable for her.
“What about your job?”
She looked at me.
“No, no no.”

My hair is now long enough for me to take her old job. I’ll get my own place and I’ll be filthy rich. Life is a lot simpler than we think. It just takes a bit longer when we’re talking about hair.

SERENDIPIDY

Mother always used to love it when I brushed her hair. She would sit with me on the sofa, eyes closed, whilst I eased the tangles and knots gently from her long, flowing, locks.

And then we would talk, long into the night, at peace with each other and the world.

Mother died some years back now, and how I miss those conversations.

But, every now and then, I still sit with her on the sofa, her body leaning against mine, whilst I brush her hair, just as I used to when she was alive.

She’d have wanted it so.

TOM

What Could Go Possibly Wrong 029

What first appeared as an aquatic bio-mass on longer inspection turned out to be seriously reenforced steel with an ample attached aquatic bio-mass. This was further confirmed by an ever widening hatch. To the company this was not very reassuring and the slow advance of Cervantes drove home a done breath yet vib, expect for John. A woman poked her head out. A shock of red hair and understate Ray Ban. With a lazy index finger she raised the lens. She tosed her hair in a Veronica Lake move and said the following “Charlemagne’s ukulele. “Sweet and low,” replied Arnesto

NORVAL JOE

“Romance?” Billbert asked.
Sabrina grabbed him by his jacket and pulled him toward her. “Yeah. Romance.” She shook back her hair, closed her eyes and puckered her lips.
Gracilda poked Billbert in the back. “Go on, boy. Kiss her.”
Billbert looked around the room and saw that Sabrina was the only one with her eyes closed. All others were on him.
He figured he couldn’t leave until he did what they said and put his hands on Sabrina’s waist. He bent forward and kissed her.
A collective gasp filled the room just before Billbert’s head bumped lightly against the ceiling.

PLANET Z

Charlie never grew any hair.
He had some kind of condition, and we teased him about it.
Charlie didn’t care at all.
Heck, sometimes, he’d joke about it.
Putting on thick black fake eyebrows and a thick black mustache.
And a wild and crazy rainbow wig.
He looked like some kind of crazy Muppet thing.
And he’d talk in a high squeaky voice.
It was funny as hell.
Until he’d show up in your room at 2 in the morning.
Holding a razor to your throat.
“Shave and a haircut, two bits,” he whispered.
We never teased Charlie ever again.