George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always trying to get out of work.
He’d say things like “I think I’ll take a personal day today.” or “It’s a holiday for my people.”
Or he’d claim to be sick, and hand the captain a note from his doctor.
The same doctor who said that George shouldn’t lift anything heavy or stay out in the sun too long.
“Why exactly are you a pirate, George?” asked the captain.
“For adventure!” said George, laying in his bunk.
The captain introduced George to the adventure of keel-hauling.
George discourteous
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He also wasn’t very courteous to his fellow shipmates.
He’d shave in the morning, and leave the stubble in the sink.
He’d pee with the seat down and splash all over it, and then he wouldn’t wipe it off.
Instead of tossing his used toilet paper in the toilet to flush, he’d toss it in the wastebin.
He’d drink a flagon of grog, and then put his unclean flagon back on the shelf.
George didn’t get invited to a lot of birthday parties.
That’s okay. He didn’t like cake.
George gets abducted
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time up in the crow’s nest, alone on night watch.
So, when the space aliens abducted him, nobody noticed he was gone.
“Greetings, Earthling,” said the aliens. “You will be your species’ ambassador to our world.”
“I dunno,” said George. “Do ambassadors loot and pillage and plunder?”
“Not really,” said the aliens. “That’s a politician and businessman thing.”
“I’d rather stay a pirate,” said George.
“Fine,” said the aliens, and they released George. Into the water.
The captain assumed that George fell overboard again.
George and the saint
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every night, George prayed to Saint Nicholas, patron saint of sailors, to make him a better pirate.
And every morning, George woke to the painful truth that he still wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship sailed into Neva Bay, George traveled to The Cathedral of Saint Nicholas in Saint Petersburg.
“Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors and reformed thieves,” said the bishop. “Not unrepentant pirates still committing piracy.”
George bonked him on the head and took the collection box.
“I’ll reform and repent later,” said George.
George and the Pirate Union
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was sloppy and forgetful.
He even let his membership in the Pirate Union expire.
“I thought the ship handled that stuff for employees,” said George.
“No,” said the captain. “You’re more like an independent contractor, You know, like cab drivers.”
George had to retake all of the piracy exams, and he did poorly.
Until he passed the exams, he could only call himself a brigand, buccaneer, or sailor.
Eventually, George got fed up, and held the examiners for ransom.
“Pass,” they said, and George was a pirate again.
Weekly Challenge #890 – Collection
The next weekly challenge topic is: Frozen in time
LISA
A Neatly Folded Bag for Life.
I said I’d be there about ten to pick Mum up, but you all know my timekeeping skills don’t you? And it was raining so the roads were packed. Then I got caught up in a funeral procession. It felt disrespectful somehow to overtake; I mean Mum was in no hurry was she?
It was the greenness that struck me, the jars were all green. The lady at the Crem explained its screw top before sliding Mum into a green box.
“Will you need a bag?” She asked with a smile.
That was green too.
But I’d brought my own.
RICHARD
Philatelost
Whilst cleaning out the loft, we found my great-grandfather’s stamp collection. Nobody had seen it for years, and we’d assumed it lost; a terrible shame, considering it was supposedly worth a fortune.
I remembered poring through the album as a child, which is more than great-grandfather did: He was content to simply collect and file the stamps. Only I was ever interested in them.
We sent it to be valued, only to be told it was worthless.
It would have been worth a fortune, if only the young me hadn’t ‘artistically’ altered all the designs in marker pen!
SERENDIPIDY
I needed a hobby to fill my spare time, which is why I took up taxidermy. Over the years, I’ve managed to amass quite a collection, but it’s always been difficult to source a suitable supply of subjects.
There’s only so much roadkill out there, and much of it is in no state for stuffing. So I started to improvise, and would carefully mow-down any animals unfortunate enough to cross my path, whilst out driving.
Kids were easy pickings too, along with the occasional wandering tramp, and joggers, all finding their way into my collection.
Aren’t hobbies just great?
LIZZIE
He knew that the collection of plates with flowers on them was worthless.
However, his wife thought they were her ticket into a world of traveling and luxury.
When she died unexpectedly, one of her daughters lit two candles next to the plates, mentally claiming them as hers.
“No one wants these plates, right?”
Everyone said they did want them.
That’s when a family crisis started. Years of arguments ensued. Marriages. Grandchildren. Divorces.
And the damn plates were still there, sitting on the shelf.
Good thing he had hidden the gold.
Traveling was nice and luxury hotels were even better.
TOM
He who dies with the most toys wins
Every generation had its collectable collections. From Legos to Pez candy dispenser. I was too young for Match Box and too old for Hot Wheels. Have a very limited collections of 60s baseball cards, and even smaller collection of bit coins. Long ago I sold by collection of Salvador Dali and Picasso, spent a year on the beach with that moo-la. Since I have retired from the college my passion for collecting has centered around Marked Playing cards. I have eight of best produced decks in the world. My current favorite is the NOC deck, a wickedly simple binary system.
NORVAL JOE
Sabrina called from above. “Sorry. I didn’t have time to warn you. Are you okay?”
The man floated face down in the water.
“Yeah. He missed us.” Billbert turned the old man over, leaned him against the well’s wall, and slugged him in the stomach. The old coot coughed out water and began to breathe again.
“Look what I found.” Linoliamanda held out a collection of beer bottle caps.
Billbert frowned. “So?”
“Look.” She turned one over to reveal an arcane rune written inside and handed it to Billbert.
The metal was ice cold on the palm of his hand.
PLANET Z
The warehouse fire put three guys from House Sixteen in the hospital.
Bobby and Big Mike were fine, just a little smoke inhalation.
But The Kid, what a mess.
He fought. He held on.
His girl holding his hand for weeks.
We visited him, told him Big Mike’s cooking got worse, worse than hospital food.
I think he heard us, cause he smiled.
City throws a big funeral, sure. Uniforms and a march down Main Street.
But the union only does so much for a guy.
So houses from all over the city passed the boot around for his girl.
George talks to birds
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to talk to trees, butterflies, and birds.
There usually weren’t all that many trees and butterflies on the ocean, but one of his shipmates had a parrot companion.
George would talk to the parrot as if it were a person, and they’d have long conversations.
When the owner of the parrot would try to walk away, George growled “Don’t interrupt our conversation!”
The parrot’s owner tried to give the parrot to George as a gift, but George refused.
“Why would I want all that hassle?” said George.
George splits the atom
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His swashbuckling skills were legendarily bad, having once lost to a baby in a stroller shaking its rattle.
Once, he slashed at a sailor and barely nicked his shirt, managing to catch a single atom of the fabric.
Splitting the atom in half, the resulting explosion annihilated George, his opponent, the ship they were on, and the port they were docked at.
The shockwave leveled everything within a mile, and a wall of fire incinerated the ruins.
A mushroom cloud billowed from the site, rising into the grim sky.
George gets a tip
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time getting drunk in taverns.
One night, he overheard sailors talking about a gold shipment.
George raced back to his ship to tell his crewmates.
Later that night, George overheard them saying how much of a stupid fool George was.
Dejected, George went back to the tavern.
The next day, the pirates attacked the cargo ship with the gold.
But it was a trap. Several Navy frigates ambushed the pirates.
George was at the tavern, buying drinks for the sailors with the reward money.
George has an emotional support animal
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He started carrying around a teacup Chihuahua in a tiny orange vest.
“It’s my emotional support animal,” said George, pulling out a doctor’s note.
“Fine,” said the captain. “Just make sure the dog doesn’t get scurvy.”
Other pirates brought aboard their emotional support animals.
Dogs, pigs, cats, chickens… you name it, they brought them.
Things got out of hand quickly, with dogs chasing cats, a boa constrictor eating all the pet rats, and nightly cockfights.
The captain banned all the animals, but only after winning a few cockfight bets.