George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
One day, while taking practice with a cannon, he heard an awful scream.
A flying kid in green tights fell out of the sky and landed in the water.
Then, a trail of sparks flew into George’s face.
Tinkerbell bitched him out for killing Peter.
“Wait, you aren’t Captain Hook,” the angry pixie squeaked. “Who the Hell are you?”
George grabbed her, stuffed her into a jar, and used her as a night light.
Until the light began to fade, because he forgot to poke holes in the lid.
George is shark bait
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship ran low on food supplies, George was in charge of rigging up fishing lines and catching enough to feed the crew until they made it to port.
George really liked to fish, but he wasn’t very good at it.
Half the time, he’d throw the rod into the water while casting the line.
In the end, George didn’t catch any fish, and he used up the rest of the ship’s food as bait.
The crew tied up George and used him as bait for catching sharks.
George and the bilge rats
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
To keep George distracted from pirate duties, like firing cannon or standing on dead men’s chests, the captain assigned George to take care of the ship’s cat.
The cat’s job was to catch bilge rats.
George decided that more cats would mean more bilge rats caught.
But that led to an overpopulation of cats.
George bought some dogs to hunt the cats.
And then some bears to hunt the dogs.
Pretty soon, the ship was packed with angry, vicious animals.
The crew hid in the bilge with the rats.
Weekly Challenge #886 – As far as the eye can see
The next weekly challenge topic is: Intake
SCRIBBLING WREN/LISA
“Better now? Now?”
Sally the optician had stopped caring before Harry sat in the chair. Harry wasn’t bothered either. He’d made ‘Silly Mistakes’ at work so they’d sent him for an eye test but they were paying and it was in company time.
“Better now?”
He started randomly saying what made him see clearer.
“Better now?”
Sally didn’t notice and prescribed glasses that would make things much worse at Harry’s work.
The receptionist who was concentrating on counting the hours’ til home time typed the amount wrong in the card reader, this mistake quadrupled the bill.
No one ever noticed.
RICHARD
All this…
I remember the day my father stood at my side and proclaimed, “One day, all this – as far as the eye can see – will be yours.”
I looked at him cynically. “But, dad, I can only see as far as the back wall, that’s what… Twenty feet?”
He nodded sagely, “Therein lies an important lesson. You’re stuck with what life gives you. Even if it’s small, appreciate its worth.”
I took his words to heart, sold the land to a property developer for a small fortune, and bought a country estate that extends as far as the eye can see!”
LIZZIE
“As far as the eye can see, the blue ocean, a nothingness filled with promises of many tomorrows. A certainty of the soul. A timeless motion forward. Perhaps even…”
“What on earth are you talking about, man?!”
The raft drifted aimlessly.
“We’re lost. We’re going to die and you’re blabbering crazy stuff.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes. You’ll start seeing things soon.”
“You mean… Like that dragon?”
“Yes, like that dragon… Good grief man, there are no dragons.”
The dragon swallowed them whole and burped. Not tasty, not tasty at all. Skinny, dehydrated humans. Nope, never again. Heartburn was a killer.
TOM
Major Tom
As far as the eye can see there were stars. It takes a bit getting uses to the stationary effect. On earth the stars spin across the horizon. In space the dance is frozen. With no up or down or much of a right or left the sense of fall is overwhelming. I time my breathing to the beating of my heart and fix my focus a single star. The light I see left that star millions of years ago. Any civilization that light fell upon has long since turn to dust. When the oxygen runs out so will I.
As To the Reason for My Absence
I didn’t write for about a year. Figure it was the end of my podcasting career. From time to time, I would listen to the challenge, I noted Norval Joe was close to having his first 100 stories in a row. I wanted to celebrate that milestone, so I wrote a story to him. Then one the next week. One foot in front of the other. That was many years ago, over a decade. I have Phil to thank for my return. I promise myself I would never let events keep me from post weekly. Then death two happen: Jim
SERENDIPIDY
It crops up all over the place: On banknotes, coats of arms, seals, and in the insignia of clubs, societies and religious orders, all over the world.
It is the All-Seeing-Eye, and it pervades every aspect of our lives, watching our activities, monitoring our every move, and overseeing our transactions.
Nothing is hidden, nothing is secret and our lives are laid bare before it.
It’s watching you, and you’d better be sure that what it sees is good, wholesome and charitable.
Because, there will be consequences!
And, as far as the eye can see, yours will be unfortunate!
TURA
As far as the eye can see
———
God created three minor gods, who knew God not. They contended who should rule the world.
“I will have as far as the eye can see,” said the first, whose eyesight was so sharp he could see the back of his own head. He rules the lands of the Earth.
The second claimed, “As far as the eye cannot see.” Everything that is underground became his realm.
The third claimed, “That which lies between,” and so rules the waters and waterways.
The three dispute their boundaries, and this creates storms, earthquakes, and tsunamis.
God looks down and does not speak.
NORVAL JOE/PHILIP CARROLL
The old man sneered at Billbert. “Your friend is nearby, but you’ll never find her.”
Sabrina was coming around so he sloughed her off his shoulder, took her hand and levitated back up into the sky. They looked for where Linoliamanda could be stashed, but only the tops of trees extended as far as the eye could see.
Billbert dropped back into the cabin and set Sabrina down.
“You won’t tell me where she is,” Billbert said, grabbed the man by the front of his robe and shot above the trees.
The man dangling, Billbert laughed. “Don’t tell. Just point.”
JARED/JRADIMUS
Dramatic Irony Bites Like a Rabid Monkey
Our hero had been exposed to enough ‘genie media’ that he should have known about the mischief behind genies’ wish granting. I guess something about the spectacle of a genie erupting from a magic lamp disrupts rational thought, because when Harvey found himself in this fantastical scenario, he didn’t even pause before he wished:
“First, I want to be a licensed realtor. Next, I want to get into the millionaire’s real estate market. Then, I want to dominate that market as far as I can see.”
These were the words that have haunted him since the accident that blinded him.
PLANET Z
I went down the stairs, opened the vault doors, and looked down the corridor.
Alcoves along the stone walls, niches with bones as far as the eye could see.
The Friar patted me on the shoulder.
“One day, you’ll join them.”
I walked along the corridor, sometimes there was a worn rusty plaque.
Fragments of paper, chalk marks on the stone wall.
“Only they know who they were.”
Forty years later, I was the one wearing the robes.
Leading acolytes down the stairs to the vault doors.
And reminding them that they’re mortal.
And telling them: “Make your life count.”
George the Snowman
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t very good at reading maps or compasses, so when he thought he was heading to Barbados, he was actually heading North.
“Is it getting cold or what?” said George, shivering.
The crew dodged ice floes as they attempted to steer South.
Sleet tore at the sails, and they barely survived a fierce blizzard.
Enough snow accumulated on the deck for a snowball fight and to make a snowman.
The crew bound and gagged George, and packed snow around him.
And they put George’s hat on its head.
George is Captain Blood
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Other pirates had cool names, like Blackbeard and Captain Hook.
George was just George the Pirate.
He tried out a lot of names, but his shipmates refused to use any of them.
“You’ll always be George the Pirate to us,” they said.
Everywhere he went, he was George the Pirate.
Except for one.
George walked in to the Red Cross and rolled up his sleeve.
“I’m back,” he said. “Ready to give more.”
“Welcome aboard, Captain Blood!” said the nurse. “Your usual cot?”
George eased back, and he smiled.
George’s Turing Test
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
People had a hard time believing that George was a real pirate.
Even at the Loebner Prize competition, where programmers build intelligent systems to beat the Turing Test, George still had a hard time.
“I’m sitting right in front of you!” screamed George at the judges. “I’m a freaking pirate! PirateBot 3000 and AutoPirate are computers!”
The competition’s judges conferred. “No self-respecting pirate would act in that manner,” they said, making marks on their clipboards.
In a huff, George went home.
CaptainBot 3000 told him to swab the deck.
George and Bilgey
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Unlike other pirates, who had parrots, George had a pet rat.
He called it Bilgey.
“It’s a bilge rat,” said George. “Purebred and everything, he’s even got papers.”
“That damn thing has the plague,” said the captain. “Throw it overboard.”
George pulled out the papers. “One of these says that he’s an Emotional Support Animal. That means you have to let me keep him.”
The captain killed the rat and fed it to a mangy wharf dog.
“Wait a day,” said the captain. “You can keep what comes out.”
George’s Hair
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time on the bow, feeling the wind blow through his long flowing hair.
So, the captain ordered his men to hold George down while he used his sword to shave George bald.
George rubbed his hand against his bare scalp.
“This feels kinda neat,” he said.
And he stood on the bow and felt the wind blow across his head.
“This is so much cooler,” said George. “I totally dig this. Thank you, Captain.”
The captain threatened to remove George’s head with a cannon.
George and Bell
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates aren’t interested in science and technology, unless it has something to do with swords and weapons and sailing.
George was interested in telephones and communication technology.
In fact, he was the reason why Alexander Graham Bell said “Watson, come here, I need you.”
George had burst into Bell’s lab, all excited to have found his hero.
Bell was surprised by the sight of a pirate breaking into his lab, so he called for Watson.
They drove off George, who shrugged and went away, looking for Thomas Edison.