George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Any time his fellow pirates would uncork a bottle of wine or rum, he’d ask for the cork.
He’d put them in a canvas bag in the hold, and when the ship would dock at port, he’d drop them off at the cork recycling center.
Where the cork would be processed into shoe soles, corkboards, building insulation, and floor tiles.
And, of course, new corks for wine and rum bottles.
Some of which ended up in the hands of George’s shipmates.
“Mind if I take that cork?” said George.
George is averse to stabbing
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was averse to stabbing.
Whether it was George doing the stabbing or others stabbing George, he was averse to it.
Some thought this to be cowardly, but hacking and slashing weren’t a problem for George.
Well, when George was doing the hacking and slashing.
When others were doing it, George was somewhat averse to those, obviously, but not as averse as he was to stabbing.
So, George wore armor. Very thick armor.
Under a giant foam-rubber pirate mascot outfit.
And, from inside, George loudly cheered on his crewmates.
George and the capslock key
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was always hitting the capslock key when typing up memos .
“That’s shouting,” said the captain. “Only the bosun is supposed to shout.”
“Do you shout?” asked George.
“No,” said the captain. “That’s what the bosun is for.”
To solve the problem, George took the capslock key off of his keyboard.
But he forgot to unset capslock.
“Order a new keyboard,” said the captain. “And just hold the shift key to get lower case while you wait. Oh, and…”
“YOU’RE AN IDIOT!” shouted the bosun.
“See?” said the captain.
George and the three R.
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But as they say, those who can’t do, teach, so George was transferred to the prestigious Pirate University.
He pretty much stuck to the basics and the books, and the three R’s:
Reading, Riting, and ARRRRRRRR.
And, yes, pirates are so bad with spelling, Riting does start with an R.
George was so bad a teacher, none of his students graduated.
Heck, none of them survived their classes.
They all ended up buried in the university’s swimming pool.
Desperate for more crewmen, George’s old ship reluctantly hired George back.
George the pen pal
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a lot better at being a pen-pal, and he sent letters to many people around the world.
Since he was out at sea a lot, they took a long time to hand off to a post office at port.
So George decided to become a full-time naval postal carrier.
He organized other carriers to transport messages from ship to ship.
Until the captain put an end to his fledgling enterprise.
“Raise the Jolly Roger,” said the captain. “And fire the cannon. That’s the only message we’ll send.”
Weekly Challenge #880 – RANGE
The next weekly challenge topic is: Together
LISA
The Weekly Shop
You’ve met Paul before I think, he’s just doing his weekly shop at the local hardware store. He likes their range (they sell plastic sheeting by the metre) but isn’t sure about the staff. Since the latest Netflix trend for true crime documentaries he always gets a comment when he buys cable ties.
Today’s no exception, as he lifts his massive bottles of acid back into the trolley.
“Did you find all you wanted today Mr Dahmer?” She giggles as she says it.
He thinks of that laughter as he waits in the car park for her shift to end.
RICHARD
Boldly gone.
With the probe at this range, messages take several weeks to reach us. That means, if the aliens are able to get their act together quickly enough after first contact, they could be orbiting earth before we have a chance to prepare.
That’s assuming the aliens can travel at near light speed, if they’re able to travel at all; for all we know, they could be a bunch of hairy apes, throwing bones around and incapable of speech.
Better that, than a warlike race that’s already seen us coming, and are gathering their forces in space… Just beyond our view.
TOM
Date Stamp 2523 Ministry of Defense Classified Your Eyes Only:
Designed for primary cooking, defrosting, and reheating, the “Radarange” heats food by microwave energy generated at 2450 megacycles, produced by QK-390 continuous wave, air-cooled magnetrons. In model 1161, two magnetrons produce a maximum of 1600 watts. The food in the “Radarange” oven is penetrated by the microwaves to a depth of about 2 1/2 inches. The microwave energy sets up molecular friction deep within the food. No physical change takes place in the food, except the normal changes caused by the heat. The stainless steel of the oven resist microwave penetration, they do not get hot.
The reason for my absence
For a decade and a half, we got our internet service from Mediacom. The relationship was combative. Being the last power pole in our corner of the county the company often sent us letters stating we were not on any of their service maps. Thus, no equipment was present at that power pole. To one part of the company, we didn’t exist. But to the billing department we did. Try as we may we couldn’t get a second line added, because there was no first line present. So we ran lines to the max of the physical limit of the fiber optics.
In the exit installment we will address the wisdom of redundant systems. To be continued
SERENDIPIDY
Beyond the range of human senses there exists an entirely different world, about which we know little, and understand less.
Very occasionally, our two worlds collide, leading to ghostly experiences, alien encounters, and all manner of strange and unsettling phenomenon. Barely tangible, often unbelievable, and always disturbing.
But, it works both ways, and just as we experience strange connections with ‘the other side’, we are just as intriguing to those who meet with us.
Just imagine waking up one dark night, and there, hovering in a corner of your room, is the utterly terrifying, unexplained, ghostly presence of…
LIZZIE
I was setting up the new store display. Pillows and whatever… Plus the robot, of course. The boss loved the robot.
That’s when a customer asked “What’s the price range?”
How do I know?!
“We don’t sell peace and quiet, sir.”
He opened his mouth as if to say something. Then, he gave up.
Stupid customers.
“Anything else, sir?”
That’s when he snatched the robot and ran!
The range on the tracker was huge. I didn’t bother chasing him. The boss would find it.
I, however, had trouble finding a new job.
Peace and quiet… I wish someone sold that.
NORVAL JOE
Billbert thought about what the old man had said. If he was the stronger of the pair, and he amplified Sabrina, if he could touch her, maybe she would be able to bring in a tornado or something.
As he concentrated on moving toward her, Billbert realized he was floating just above the floor. The dark knights influence over his powers was only when they touched him. They didn’t have a range effect.
Billbert shot forward, scooped up Sabrina and blasted through the cabin door to freedom.
Then the old man called after them, “I still have your other friend.”
PLANET Z
Home on the range.
Where the deer and antelope play.
What do they play?
Tag? No.
Poker? No. Dogs play poker.
You know, the painting.
Deer play Russian Roulette.
They saw The Deer Hunter, and deer are impressionable.
And invite the antelope into their games.
They can’t get a hold of revolvers, so they use hunting rifles left by careless hunters.
Somehow, they get them loaded and pointed at their heads.
And pull the trigger.
Nobody wins. The deer. the antelope.
Or the hunters.
Can’t even do anything with the heads.
All blown apart, nothing left to stuff and mount.
George’s sword
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Back in The Golden Age of Piracy, pirates would obtain their cutlasses from many different makers.
These days, pirates tended to purchase their cutlasses from only Apple Weapons Manufacturers or Sam Song, The Blacksmith of The Orient.
Both were fairly similar, but the Apple was more expensive and Sam Song’s cutlasses had newer and more reliable features.
You could even say that they were the cutting edge.
George would fumble with his Blackberry cutlass, and the other pirates would laugh at him.
Giving him an opportunity to strike first.
George true to form
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he first started as a pirate, pirates were free to make their own decisions and things were freer.
Over time, the bureaucracy grew, and eventually, there were meetings for everything and you had to fill out a form to get anything taken care of.
George missed the freedom of the early days, so he started a mutiny.
Surrounded by angry brigands, the captain demanded to see their mutiny authorization forms.
None had the right documentation.
The captain dismissed them all, and ordered a staff meeting in two weeks.
George’s coffee
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to stand out in the rain and listen to the rain hit the rails and decks.
He found it peaceful and calming.
But he also found it annoying that the rain got into his coffee mug, and would dilute his coffee.
George tried to use an umbrella, but he didn’t like the sound of the rain on it.
So, he gave up coffee, and he would tilt his head back and let his mouth fill with rainwater.
It was nice and refreshing, until the seagulls flew overhead.
George gets hung
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he was caught and charged with crimes on the high seas, George demanded a jury of his peers.
So, the court sent out jury summons, and a group of pirates eventually arrived.
Instead of jury selection, the court charged those pirates with crimes, too.
“I should have known it was a trap,” said George’s captain. “If only I’d have gone to the website and filed for a medical excuse.”
All of the pirates were convicted, and sentenced to be hung.
“A hung jury,” George whispered, and he chuckled.