George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
This didn’t matter to the producer of Eyewitness News at 11.
They put an eyepatch on George, but it made it hard for him to read the Teleprompter.
And the false hook they put on his hand made it hard for him to hold the scripts.
“Why do I have scripts if there’s a Teleprompter?” he asked.
George got bored reading scripts to a camera.
He wanted to report from battles and adventures.
So, the producer changed George’s title to field correspondent, but he never sent back any reports.
George Calendar
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a good pirate.
But compared to other pirates, he wasn’t half bad looking.
So the publisher of The Pirate Calendar gave George a call and asked if he wanted to be in the next year’s calendar.
George agreed, and got fifty bucks for a two hour photoshoot.
When the calendar finally came out, George was disappointed to see that he was Mister February.
And it wasn’t even a leap year.
Nobody ever recognized him or asked him to sign his photo in the calendar.
And the next year, the calendar publisher didn’t call.
George vs Fred the Parrot
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never quite got a hang of pirate-speak.
His parrot Fred, on the other hand, spoke pirate-speak fluently.
And the parrot would correct George’s speech.
“That’s pieces of eight,” said Fred. “Not pieces of seven, you dummy.”
After a while, George stopped talking, but the parrot would persist with his verbal abuse.
George refused to give in, so the obnoxious parrot began to mimic George’s voice saying stupid things.
Completely fed up, George made Fred walk the plank.
“You do know I can fly, right?” said the parrot, laughing.
George and the Werewolves
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was obsessed with werewolves, and he carried a gun and a bag full of silver bullets.
Every full moon, he’d completely lose his shit and shoot everything in sight.
“WEREWOLVES!” shouted George, firing off a few rounds at a lamp.
“Please stop destroying the furniture, George,” said the captain. “But if you must, try to conserve ammunition for real werewolves.”
“WEREWOLF!” shouted George, pointing the gun at the captain and pulling the trigger.
But he’d wasted all of his ammo on the lamp, and his gun was empty.
George in Oz
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When a massive waterspout appeared in front of the ship, George failed to steer clear of it.
The ship spun up into the funnel and came crashing down on a town full of midgets.
After looting the gold and jewels from the ruins, George followed a yellow road for hours
He killed a dancing scarecrow and a lion before reaching a strange green castle.
Inside, he found an old man with a hot air balloon.
George hijacked it, and flew for hours.
Below, Krakatoa began to smoke and rumble.
Weekly Challenge #873 – Your Honor
… and next week’s topic is Diet
SCRIBBLING WREN
The Dark Stranger
“No further questions your honour.”
Everyone on the jury knew Peter was guilty. They’d known as soon as they saw him before anyone had said anything. Their deliberation would be over in record time. An instant unanimous decision, I mean, despite the lack of evidence he’d admitted he’d done it.
And so he was found guilty.
A sentence passed that meant he would never, school sports day or not, find himself in a field again.
Unlike his older brother, Doyle who never visited, continued to work as a PE teacher and never once said thank you for taking the rap.
JARED
Rachel knew she was onto something big. Huge. It’s the only reason she would ever be at a football game, naked but for a trenchcoat and sneakers, trying to be inconspicuous. Her informant set up the meet: streak the game, get caught, meet the go-between.
A whistle, a flash of yellow, and everyone’s attention was focused on the other side of the field. This was it. She threw off the coat and sprinted for the field.
She was tackled by two security guards almost immediately. She felt the one holding her by the legs slip something into her shoe. Success.
RICHARD
Judged
Judge Nicholson was a tyrant. We all hated having to appear before him. Whether prosecuting, or appearing for the defence, you knew you were in for a hard time.
He would berate, belittle and abuse you in court, and act up, putting on a show for the jury, spectators, and the press.
We all hated being there.
But, not today. Today, we’ve all crammed into the courtroom, both as professionals, and filling the public gallery.
Judge Nicholson was being tried for public indecency, and we were there ensuring he got everything he deserved.
So, how does it feel, your honour?
LIZZIE
“Your Honor, I must protest.”
“Object?”
“Ok, object.”
“Grounds?”
The lawyer shuffled through his papers.
“Your Honor.”
“Counselor.”
“The thing is…”
“Yes?”
The lawyer shuffled through his papers again.
“Your Honor, I…”
“Counselor, I am losing my patience. If you object, you must specify the grounds for your objection.”
“The footage is inadmissible.”
“Why?”
“It’s a film reel. How are we supposed to…”
“Is that my problem, Counselor?!”
“I must protest, your Honor.”
“Object, Counselor, object. Get out of my courtroom. Out!”
And off the lawyer went, protesting all the way. He should’ve paid more attention at Law School indeed.
SERENDIPIDY
You’ve probably heard it said that there’s no honour among thieves, but that’s not strictly true.
It may be the case for those common petty thieves and robbers that clog up our prisons and pollute our neighbourhoods, but amongst those of us with more specialist skills – those of us in the business of stealing the life force from our victims – you will certainly find honour, and respect for each other.
It’s purely practical, of course.
For very obvious reasons, you really don’t want to upset somebody whose business is killing – it’s simple self-preservation.
Your honour, is your life insurance!
TOM
the instruments of question
What I do isn’t exact who I am. Who, goes around will a calling card saying Where from the Grand Jury we’re here to help. Further I’m what you would call a Juror Wrangler. Get alone little inquisitors. You, can not image how easy it is to get into major trouble indecorously opening your frilling mouth. As much as I try, someone, at some time, will say the worst thing possible. Then I find myself in the Judge’s chambers firing off a string of: Yes your honor, Yes your honor, never again your honor. I real should get a taser.
NORVAL JOE
Sabrina pushed her half eaten bowl of ice cream away, held up her spoon, and sat up straight. “On my honor as a junior member of the weather witch’s guild, I’m telling you that the clouds have revealed it to me that you are to be my lifelong companion.”
“Your honor?” Billbert asked. “You may be a junior member of the whatsit guild, but that doesn’t mean the clouds can tell you anything.”
She put down her spoon. “Don’t you see? When we touch, you make my powers so much stronger, I don’t even need the clouds to confirm it.”
George and the details
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Sometimes, when he was performing a task, like making his bunk or swabbing the deck, he got fed up with all of the nitpicky details and steps.
“This is like playing Jenga with cow turds,” he growled.
So, he’d skip steps and get the job done quicker.
This was fine-and-dandy for simple things, but when it came to cleaning the cannon or arranging the powder room, one mistake could cost lives.
“What about two or three mistakes?” asked George.
As if in response, the ship exploded and blew apart.
George’s talents
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because of all the problems George caused, the captain suggested that George train for the Winter Olympics.
So, George packed his bags and headed to the gym.
He worked out constantly, and his trainers got him into the best shape of his life.
However, George had an aversion to the snow and cold.
And he wasn’t all that good on skis.
Eventually, George found the perfect place for his talents.
“Welcome to McDonalds!” said George, in his nice new uniform at the Olympic Village. “May I take your order?”
Telecommuting George
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The wave of the future was telecommuting, and George suggested the idea to the captain.
“I could work from home in my pajamas,” said George.
“What the hell do you mean?” said the captain. “Your home is on the sea.”
“Fine,” said George. “But can I still wear my pajamas?”
George had never been very good at hand-to-hand combat, and the full-body bunny pajamas with the floppy ears made him look like a total idiot, but somehow he managed to use the surprise in his enemies to his advantage.
George’s parrot
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had a bad track record with pet parrots.
So, he went on Amazon and bought a fake parrot.
It was made of styrofoam and fake feathers, and it had an electronic voice chip to make sounds.
There was a strap that he could loop around his arm to hold it in place.
He had to tight it tightly, and it cut off circulation to his arm.
In the middle of battle, his hand went numb, and he dropped his sword.
The parrot laughed, and George stomped on it.