George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he wasn’t being a pirate, he volunteered as a lifeguard at the local beach.
“I know there’s no pay, but if I rescue someone, can I ransom them for a reward?” asked George.
“Sure, whatever,” said the county commissioner. “As long as they don’t drown.”
George racked up an impressive safety record at the beach.
There were some complaints about the whole ransom thing.
“All I did was threaten cut off a finger or two,” said George. “And maybe cut off part of an ear. But nobody drowned.”
George and the porn stars
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Once, he came across a yacht full of adult film stars, laying around naked in sleazy poses, and a photographer was snapping photos.
George demanded all of their gold, jewelry and money.
“Oh, this jewelry’s fake,” said the photographer. “But that’s a nice ship you’ve got there. Maybe the girls could dress up as pirates for a photoshoot?”
George agreed, and they included him in some of the photos.
Pretty soon, George’s ship became a party hotspot.
Most importantly, the models and porn stars brought real jewelry to steal.
George the wedding planner
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates would select another pirate to act as a wife.
Becuase, you know, being out at sea for long periods of time and all.
George didn’t have a pirate wife, but it wasn’t because he was a homophobe or anything.
He was too busy planning weddings for all the other pirates.
He got himself ordained as a minister and set up a catering service.
Things went well for a while, until the pirate divorces started.
George shouldn’t have included a lifetime warranty and money back guarantee, I guess.
George the trainer
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, of course, he ended up as the ship’s trainer.
George trained all of the new recruits on safety and basic tasks, like how to make their bunk.
“You’re doing a lousy job, George,” said the captain.
“But I’ve trained a hundred men!” said George.
“Only because most of them died in their unmade bunks,” said the captain. “We keep having to recruit more.”
The captain ordered another pirate to train George.
The trainer died in his unmade bunk.
“Oh, just swab the fucking deck, George,” growled the captain.
George the translator
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Because he was fairly useless in raids and battles, he found himself serving the crew in other capacities.
Mostly, he served as a translator for the crew so their enemies or hostages had an accurate version of what they were saying.
“Guts for garters? said George. “The captain’s kinda angry.”
George drew diagrams for things like Davy Jones’s Locker, and he’d worked up a functional shoebox diorama that demonstrated keelhauling.
George pulled the string to drag a doll across the ship’s hull.
“Brilliant,” said the hostages. “That explains everything.”
Weekly Challenge #909 – PICK TWO Opportunity, ABC, Thermostat, Diddums, Sponsor, Old Master
RICHARD
Like Father, like son?
Dad used to turn down the thermostat at every opportunity. He’d constantly take me to task about leaving lights on, and he’d invariably shout “Shut that door! Were you born in a barn?” whenever I walked into a room.
It was only many years later I discovered I was indeed born in a barn, and that the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh which were supposed to be for my benefit – and which would have more than covered our heating and lighting costs for years to come – he’d spent on hookers and gambling.
Turns out, he wasn’t my dad, either!
TOM
ABC-s
My best friend has always been a prodigy. He was able to do his ABC-s when he was five years old. Like the old masters of old he amazed his teachers with his internal logic. He also had the strength of conviction to adamantly defend his point of view. It is hard to dispute the precision of the ABC song. A totem embedded in out learning DNA. The 12th letter of the alphabet is actually l-m-n-o-p. In meter and form its lmnop. Oddly modern English usage fails to embrace lmnop. In the vernacular we have Look Man, Not Our Problem.
SERENDIPIDY
It turns out, the painting I scrawled over with magic markers was an old master, worth a fortune, and now ruined.
How was I to know?
I was just a kid, barely able to master my ABC, and to me it was simply a pretty picture, something to play with and keep myself amused.
My parents certainly were not amused when they found out. They locked me up in the cellar, and that’s where they’ve kept me, ever since.
One day, I’ll escape, and when I do…
Well, you can probably guess!
Or, perhaps I should paint you a picture?
LIZZIE
The sign said Pirate Parking Only. If you weren’t a pirate, you’d be scuttled away at your own expenses. Diddums!
OK, fair enough, thought the Captain of the pirate ship.
But the truth was that he had to prove his pirate status.
He took the opportunity and started bragging.
Oh, we looted a Spanish galleon. Prove it. OK, we have these jewels of the Spanish Crown. Prove they’re not forgeries. They’re not forgeries! Prove it.
Infuriated, the Captain said “You, son of a biscuit eater!”, but the result was only laughter. He would definitely have to work on his insults.
NORVAL JOE
The old man at the steering wheel glanced at the teenagers. “They’re not with me. I’m just cooling down my engine. I think my thermostat is broke.”
The cop took this opportunity to question the youths. “Is that true, or do you know this man?”
The foremost of the six teenagers frowned as if challenged by the question. “Um. He looks like our guild sponsor, Clarence Diddums. And we did get out of this van.”
Startled, Billbert asked, “Do you admit you’re members of the Guild of the Black Knights?”
With everyone distracted, Clarence started the van and sped away.
PLANET Z
We signed up for one of those reduced cost electric plans.
The company installed a free smart thermostat and free smart plugs in our house.
And gave us a big rebate to upgrade our water heater and climate control system for more efficient hardware.
We can monitor and control everything in the house now.
But so can the electric company.
On hot days, when the grid is overloaded, they raise the thermostat so it’s hot and sweaty inside.
And on cold days, when the grid is overloaded, they lower the thermostat so it’s chilly inside.
And raise the rates more.
George feels good to be back
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After a very bad month of piracy, George had a nervous breakdown and ended up in the hospital for broken pirates.
He attended pirate group therapy, did pirate yoga, and made pirate maps with fingerpaint and crayons.
The nurses, doctors, and therapists worked with George, and he was eventually deemed fit for duty again.
“Welcome back, George,” said the captain.
“It’s good to be back,” said George.
George put on his hat, strapped on his sword belt, picked up a map, and swabbed the deck. “Good to be back.”
George and Future George
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
One day, while leaning on his mop and looking out over the ocean of clouds, there was a flash of light.
Standing there was George, a little bit older, fancy clothes, nicely trimmed beard, and a captain’s hat.
In his hands was a silver box with lights and buttons.
“Things will get better,” said the older George.
The younger George was surprised, stumbling and dropping his mop, and he knocked the older George over the railing.
George picked up the box, shrugged, and went back to watching the clouds.
George and the tambourine man
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When a man with a tambourine came aboard on a jingle jangle morning, George asked him to play a song.
The tambourine man smiled, and took George on a trip with his magic swirling ship.
Stripping George of his senses, hands too numb to hold the ropes.
Sailing across the sky, the sun, leaving a trail of smoke rings.
They danced beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free.
George came to his senses on a beach.
“Hello?” shouted George, but there was no answer but the wind.
George passes the salt
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When other pirates asked him to pass the salt, George wouldn’t pass them the salt.
“Didn’t you get one of those plastic dinnerware packets with salt and pepper?” asked George.
The other pirate would say something like “I always throw those out” or “I eat with my hands” or something like that.
So, George would end up having to pass the salt.
It wasn’t Sodium Chloride, though.
It was… well, George couldn’t remember what the Apothecary had called it.
But the coroner would probably figure out what it was.