When I was young, I was always amazed at how some things I ate passed right through me.
Yellow bits of corn.
Green beans.
Bits of carrot and red bell pepper.
Disgusting, I know.
But every so often, when I wake up with blood on my lips, I keep lookout for the tell-tale glint of a gold ring.
I scoop it out with a toilet-brush and drop it into a glass of bleach.
I’ve found dozens of rings that way.
As for the finger bones, I flush those with the rest of the waste, and head for the bus station.
Tag: food
Blender
I love my new immersion blender.
Instead of using a hard-to-clean pitcher with blades in it that had be run through the dishwasher every time, I’m now using a stick with a set of blades on the end that I can just run under the faucet to clean.
I no longer have to go to Starbucks for frozen coffee slushes either. I just toss ice, chocolate sauce, cold coffee, and Bailey’s into a thick oversized mug, blend it for a while, and I’m done.
I still drop a dollar in a glass for a tip, though. Hard habit to break.
Rain Delay
Usually, I go straight home after work, but my wife told me that there were holes in most of my underwear, so I walked by Target to pick up new underwear.
The delay kept me out after five, which meant that Nit Noi Thai was open.
Yeah, I stopped in to eat some spring rolls, soup, and beef satay.
By the time I got my check, it was raining.
Hard.
I own two umbrellas.
One is at work.
The other is on my back porch.
I ordered another tea, sat back with my brand new underwear, and watched the rain.
Walking Taco
A Frito Pie is a bowl of Frito chips covered in chili, cheese, sour cream, and other Mexican food condiments. You eat it with a fork like you’d eat a casserole.
If you pour that stuff into a bag of Fritos, it’s called a Walking Taco or a Taco-On-The-Run.
Close your eyes. Imagine a Taco walking around or running on its own.
If you saw a taco doing that, would you let it pass, or would you chase it down and try to eat it?
Eat too many Frito Pies, and you may have nightmares of the things chasing you.
Too much of an mmmm mmmm good thing…
I’ve gotten into the habit of bringing cans of soup to work for lunch.
“It’s good food,” the commercials say. “Mmmm mmmmm good!”
But instead of following the directions, I pour two cans into a single bowl, stir it up, and heat it without adding water.
It’s just as thick as the chunky style soup, I figure. And cheaper, too.
And I don’t have to fish about for the vegetables and noodles as much.
That’s when it hits me… my stomach… my guts… too much!
Help me throw it up, or I’ll die of an overdose of Mmmmm mmmmm goodness!
… and a salad!
My doctor says I need to eat more salad.
Romaine lettuce and onions, and a whole lot of different kinds of beans.
I like lots of different kinds of beans in my salad.
So, I open the cans of beans, dump them out into a colander, wash them off, and shake the colander to mix up the beans.
When the beans are nice and mixed, I dump them out into a few plastic containers and stick them in the fridge.
They’re ready for when I really want a salad.
Which is never, I think, as I drive to the steakhouse.
People Are Stupid
Most people are stupid.
Despite the fact that most people are stupid, a tiny few are smart, and they come up with the things that keep the stupid ones from screwing it all up.
It only takes a few smart ones to invent things. And even smarter ones to dumb that stuff down so the stupid ones stop falling off cliffs or getting eaten by bears.
The extremely smart people want to let the bears eat the dumb ones and live in stupidity-free peace.
Which, I suppose, proves that the smart people aren’t as smart as they think they are.
The Glop
I like to add berries to my iced tea.
Blueberries.
Strawberries.
Raspberries.
I drop them into my glass, mash them up, and then pour in the tea.
However, I get lazy, and forget to mash them.
Sometimes, I can spear them out with my straw.
But they often just go to waste.
That’s why I got the blender. To blend up the berries for my tea.
Now, I’ve got the berry slurry sitting nearby, ready to pour into my tea.
So, I pour… and it all comes out.
SPLASH!
There’s glop all over the table.
I should switch to coffee.
Chicken Soup
My mother always said that chicken soup cures all ills.
When I got older, I had the temerity to question this.
“Yes. Every one of them,” she said.
“What about crazy people?” I asked.
“Hit them in the head with the can until they shut up,” she said.
That night on the news, the Supreme Court was debating legality of chemical castration of a rapist.
“I bet chicken soup couldn’t cure him,” I said.
“Mine would,” said my mother.
And she poured the hot soup in my lap.
She handed me the phone. “Feel like calling your shiksa girlfriend now?”
Free Sandwiches
Instead of giving us raises, the bosses bring in lunch once a week.
It’s usually pizza. Which I can’t eat because of ulcers.
“Can you order a salad for me?” I ask.
They never do. They just apologize. As usual.
One time, they brought sandwiches.
Pizza sandwiches.
“Hey, it’s free,” they say. “Quit complaining.”
And I did. I quit complaining.
I stacked up the trays of sandwiches and shouted “YOU ARE FREE!” and took them to the park to feed the homeless.
They fired me.
I lost my house. I sleep in the park.
Where’s my free fuckin’ sandwiches now?