George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain kept him aboard mostly because George knew how to fix the air hockey table.
The motors burn out easily. Especially in the salty air of a pirate ship at sea.
No, George wasn’t all that handy with tools.
He’d broken the toaster, the microwave oven, and the ship-to-shore radio.
They tossed those overboard and bought new ones.
But he had a knack for repairing the air hockey table.
Click clack thwack, all night long. So noisy.
They tossed it overboard, too.
And didn’t buy a new one.
George the landlubber
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was completely clueless when it came to the jargon of his profession.
For example, he had no idea what “landlubber” meant.
Was it a parrot species?
Maybe it was some kind of sea monster, he thought.
But then, why would his crewmates be calling all the townspeople that?
Or, for that matter, George , when he screwed something up really badly.
At the next port, he went to the library, and he asked for a Pirate-to-English dictionary.
“You are a total landlubber,” said the librarian, and threw George out.
George’s shoe
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Maybe it was because he wasn’t assertive enough.
Barnacle Billy kept taking George’s left shoe and wearing it.
He didn’t take the right one because he had a peg leg.
“Give me back my shoe,” said George.
“No,” said Barnacle Billy.
George went into fights wearing only one shoe.
Until one day, Billy got his other leg blown off and replaced by a peg leg.
He still kept stealing George’s shoe.
“Okay, I admit it. I like sniffing shoes.”
George asked the captain to transfer Billy to another ship.
George’s hat
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His hat was constantly blowing off of his head.
Other pirates never seemed to lose their hats in the wind. Some had the same style of hat, but theirs never blew off.
Old Rusty told George that he should try a bandana.
“Just tie it tight at the corners and it’ll stay put,” he said.
“Thanks,” said George.
George put his hat away and switched to a bandana. And it didn’t fly off.
Old Rusty started wearing George’s hat.
And it never blew off his head.
George quietly seethed.
George and the beard
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He thought about all the good pirates out there, and realized that they all had beards.
Blackbeard, Redbeard, Yellowbeard… even the Barbarosa Sisters had beards.
George tried to grow a beard, but he just couldn’t manage a single hair.
He quietly went to a fake beard store.
They were so expensive… all George could afford was a leftover green St. Patrick’s Day novelty beard.
He tried to dye it black, but it came out all crazy.
“Hail, Crazybeard!” said the captain, laughing.
George sighed and threw the beard overboard.
George takes piano lessons
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never had much time to practice his swashbuckling and looting skills because of his piano lessons.
All day long, his tutor worked him through scales and chords.
George fumbled through these progressions for weeks.
“Again!” growled the tutor.
Chastened, George would start over again.
Eventually, George got better, until his instructor said “Well done.”
George thanked his instructor, and then groaned as he carried his piano back to the ship.
“I really should have taken accordion lessons,” said George, as he put a heating pad on his back.
Weekly Challenge #855: Mimes
LISA
Bedtime
No one remembered when she’d stopped talking except her. It was easy to remember your ninth birthday. She’d got by silently since then with a series of mimes and a whiteboard she took everywhere with her.
She’d been prodded and poked by Doctors all over the country but they found no physical reason why. One had shouted ‘This needs to stop NOW’.
She didn’t eat much but had just started to feel a hunger. A waking need within. As her Dad sat on her bed to say goodnight she decided tomorrow would be the day that she actually told someone.
RICHARD
Mimes
I really don’t like them.
Ambushing you in the street, with their silly white faces, striped shirts and gloves, thinking they’re oh, so clever.
It starts with the old, stuck in a glass box illusion: Feeling their way around imaginary, invisible walls. Then we’re treated to the invisible tug of war, the non-existent bunch of balloons threatening to drag them off into the heavens, and then – if you’re really, really lucky – the impossibly heavy bag illusion.
And unbelievably, they have the temerity to rattle a collection box under your nose.
So, I always mime dropping a coin into the box!
LIZZIE
The Drunk Monk Tavern didn’t have a nice brew or even acceptable food but had the best mime contests. Mimes came from miles away to take a chance at winning the big prize. And what was the big prize? Lily. Lily was the daughter of a monk, according to her mother. And Lily desperately wanted to get away from her dishonorable past . The only problem was that she couldn’t stand men yapping on and on. She wanted a mime. Her mother agreed especially because they were running out of room in the backyard and the local authorities were getting suspicious.
SERENDIPIDY
She mimes that she’s hungry – she has to: The room is soundproofed and you can’t hear anything through the plate glass.
I’ve kept her prisoner in that room for nearly ten years now, and she’s become quite adept at communicating with me by miming. It’s probably just as well: I’d have been perfectly happy to leave her to starve to death and rot, but I figured if she’s going to make an effort, so should I.
Considering her condition, it’s surprising how elegant and eloquent her communication can be, almost beautiful.
She’s proof that art is the product of suffering.
NORVAL JOE
Before either Billbert or Linoliamanda could say more, their history teacher stood up. “Okay, class. Let’s have some silence as I take role.”
The two attempted to mime their questions and answers to one another, but mostly made the universal sign for, ‘I don’t understand’.
Billbert struggled to pay attention in the 45 minute class until he could voice his questions.
As they headed back out into the hallway, Billbert pointed to his friend and said, “Sabrina. This is a friend from my old junior high, Linoliamanda.”
Linoliamanda smiled vacantly and said, “You’re a witch, aren’t you. I can tell.”
PLANET Z
As much as people hate mimes, the truth is, they don’t hate all mimes.
Sports mascots with the big cartoon heads and don’t speak are actually a form of mime.
And, yes, they’re mimes. They’re not clowns.
The ones without big cartoon heads and are actual people, okay, they’re a mix of clown and cheerleader.
But the rubberheads, they’re mimes.
Mimes may use invisible props while mascots use actual props, but neither speak, and both express themselves with gestures.
So, yeah, people love some mimes.
But that creepy Burger King mascot?
Jesus, that guy is fucking creepy. No way, man.
George and his piano lessons
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He never had much time to practice his swashbuckling and looting skills because of his piano lessons.
All day long, his tutor worked him through scales and chords.
George fumbled through these progressions for weeks.
“Again!” growled the tutor.
Chastened, George would start over again.
Eventually, George got better, until his instructor said “Well done.”
George thanked his instructor, and then groaned as he carried his piano back to the ship.
“I really should have taken accordion lessons,” said George, as he put a heating pad on his back.
George and the night sky
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tried to learn how to navigate by the stars, but he was more interested lying on his back on the deck at night and just looking at them.
Out on the sea, without any light pollution from human civilization, the night sky was absolutely stunning.
So was the collision when the ship hit some rocks that George was supposed to avoid.
George made it to the rowboat, while the rest of the crew sank with the ship.
George lay back in the rowboat and stared at the stars.
George the nurse
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
All the other pirates picked on him and made fun of him.
George felt sad all of the time.
Then, all of the crew came down with the flu.
Except for George.
They were completely helpless and at George’s mercy.
George cooked chicken soup, and prepared medicine, and took care of everyone.
He nursed everyone back to health.
Well, most of them. The ones who didn’t make it, he gave a decent burial at sea.
The crew thanked George.
And then went back to picking on him.
What bastards!