A long time ago, I heard a story about a guy with a parrot on his shoulder who robbed a bank.
“STICK EM UP!” shouted the parrot. “GIMME ALL YOUR CASH!”
The guy didn’t say a thing. Didn’t make any faces or gestures.
He just had his hand in his pocket, he might have had a gun.
“STICK EM UP!” the parrot said again.
The teller called for the manager.
The manager went into the break room and got a packet of saltines.
He gave one to the parrot, who ate the crackers.
And the guy walked out the door.
Weekly Challenge #825 – I WAS VERY YOUNG
LIZZIE
I wanted that horse toy so badly and my father said “you’ll regret it”. I shoved the toy in my pocket and ran. My father yelled “you’ll regret it”. 40 years later, here I am, still that 10-year old kid at heart. That toy was the beginning of my career. Every time I robbed a bank, I took the horse toy with me, the toy and my father’s voice too. Today, I was arrested. My father looked at me and whispered “do you regret it now?” I shook my head and smiled. It had been one heck of a ride.
RICHARD
A word to the wise
They do say that you don’t have to be old to be wise, and I gained a great deal of wisdom even when I was very young.
I quickly learned that a frown, the threat of tears or a quivering lip would almost instantly result in cuddles, warm milk and lullabies.
Throughout my childhood, I gained greater wisdom, and had a charmed life full of good things, treats and a marked absence of bullying, playground taunts and detention.
Yes indeed, I’d learned the wisdom of letting people know who I was.
And when you’re the son of a Mafia boss…
SERENDIPIDY
I was very young when I was torn from my loving family, enslaved and forced to be a plaything for the very rich.
I was very young to face the reality of a life of pain, loss and grief, of torture, abuse and depravity.
But I wasn’t young forever.
And as I grew, so did my thirst for revenge.
Now that I am older and stronger, and free, I seek recompense.
And I will have it, at any cost.
I’m coming.
Not for you.
But for your children.
So, guard your very young, for I am coming to take them!
TOM
What Could Go Possibly Wrong 025
As limb and torsos became untangled and the grumbling made way to a silent that match the silents of the ruined city again the first voice to speak was the Captain. “I was very young when a last beheld this sky line.” The sun set in a greenish glow. Ford turned to Cervantes. “Your work, sir?” “Time’ s work, Ford.” Molly wrapped her arms about herself and rocked back and forth. Parker found the remains of a chair and offered it to her. “We all seem to be in one piece,” said the Time Lord, “Now who’s got the duck pint?”
NORVAL JOE
The giggles faded away and silence settled over the gathering.
The old woman turned the flashlight on Billbert and shuffled toward him.
Sabrina’s mouth hung open in shock.
The old witch looked at Sabrina. “Close your mouth dear, a bug might fly in.”
Before Billbert could laugh the woman turned on him, her dark eyes cutting into him. “I was very young once, too…”
She looked at Billbert’s hand. “Fortunately, the ceremony is complete. Go eat your caramel corn.”
As everyone headed off to the cottage, Billbert noticed the ring on his finger and wondered when that had gotten there.
PLANET Z
I was very young, and I didn’t know anything.
And I would ask people if they wanted to play a game.
“Okay, it’s your turn,” I’d say.
And I’d stand there, staring at them.
Whatever they did, I’d say “Three points.”
It didn’t matter what they did. It was always three points.
If they asked it was my turn, I’d say “It’s still your turn.”
Sometimes, I’d shout “FOUL!”
Other times, I’d shout “TIME OUT!”
And wait a while, then shout “OKAY, TIME IN!”
Even though I am old, I still like to play games.
And it’s still your turn.
The Not Fun House
Instead of a funhouse, my carnival has a notfunhouse.
The hall of mirrors aren’t warped at all. You look perfectly normal in them.
If you can see yourself.
They’re very dusty, so I give you a rag and Windex to clean them all.
The warped slanty room means there’s foundation issues. I have a few quotes from contractors for you to sort out.
I added a slide. Nice and slick, no friction burns at all.
But it goes up. Good luck climbing that.
Finally, there’s the air jets to blow up women’s skirts.
Or Scottish mens’ kilts.
I won’t judge.
The Mafia
The number one rule in the business is: it’s only business.
You stick to your territory. You stick to your business.
Keep the peace. Everybody makes money.
It’s okay to make money. Make a lot of money.
Just not too much money,
You make good money, things are good.
You make fuck you money, the law fucks you.
Yeah, you can try to buy the law.
What did we do? Kill them?
We’re cable companies, not the Mafia.
Send a guy out with their search results.
Nice sites you visit there.
Play ball, because we got you by the balls.
Zorrobuster
Imagine Zorro.
All dressed in black. And a cape.
But instead of a sword, he has a dustbuster.
He charges into a place, vacuums up all of the food crumbs and dust and stuff, and then runs away.
Not quite the hero to the people, but still serving a valuable role in the community.
After a few encounters with the military police, Zorro decided to trade his dustbuster in for a sword.
But swords aren’t as good at picking up food crumbs and dust.
Even though you can spear crumpled-up paper and food waste and drop it in a bin.
Is sexy
Sir Patrick Stewart is sexy.
He is sexy to women.
And he is sexy to men.
If science discovered a third gender, or science invented one, he would be sexy to them, too.
Modern eye charts have a photo of Sir Patrick Stewart.
“Read this chart,” the eye doctor says.
If you don’t say “sexy” then you are declared legally blind.
They take away your driver’s license on the spot.
And you get a dog. A cane. And black glasses.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is not king.
Unless he thinks Sir Patrick Stewart is sexy.
Pawn Shops
Elaine loves to go to pawn shops.
There’s some good bargains there, but she also likes to imagine the story behind each item.
Was it a family heirloom?
A grandmother’s wedding ring?
A grandfather’s pocketwatch?
Why did the person have to give that thing up?
To pay for college?
A drug habit? Gambling debts?
Or some awful medical hardship, and bills to pay?
How much of this came from that person, shedding one treasure after another.
Did she read about them in the paper? See them on the news?
She tries on a simple gold necklace, and then buys it.
Palace of the Gods
A thousand years ago, the palace was a thousand years old.
So many empires, so many cities rose and fell. but The Palace of The Gods lived on.
Invaders came to fight the empires, expanding their own empires.
If they burned the city, they built a new city in its place.
All the while, the palace stood and watched everything.
Some dared to storm the palace, never to return.
The next day, at the gate, a pile of bloody bones and armor and swords.
Banners on the walls spelled out the day’s orders:
“BURY THE DEAD. DO NOT TRY AGAIN.”
Weekly Challenge #824 – PICK TWO Velcro, Typo, Warren, A thin veneer, Age, Streak
LIZZIE
The asinine brochure with the inept typo managed to convince her, in a moment of complete vulnerability, she should add, to go find a beach somewhere and age happily. She did. And the beach was lovely, yes, except for the fact that the damn seagulls pooped all over her little paradise. She thought there’d be other people around. But no, nobody, not a single soul. No fish either. So, she had to practice her skills on the pooping seagulls. It was a nasty sight. And she couldn’t even eat them… She had given up on meat a long time ago.
RICHARD
Kids
Kids of that certain age… Too noisy, too much energy, and way too taxing for any parent, no matter how loving or conscientious.
Before I came up with the perfect solution, I tried it all: Bribery, threats, pleading, but still nothing would stop them running around the house, wreaking havoc.
I tried vodka – first for myself, then I tried it on the youngsters. It just made them even more hyper, and when they weren’t hyper, they were stumbling around drunk, completely trashing the place.
You won’t see them running around today though.
I’ve Velcroed them to the carpet!
Another vodka?
SERENDIPIDY
I possess what you might call a thin veneer of respectability – outwardly, to the casual observer, I was pleasant enough, even what you might call sociable.
However, scratch the surface, and you’d soon find a streak of pure evil.
Dishonesty, greed and avarice are my vices, and there’s little I won’t do to satisfy them; and, as far as I’m concerned the end always justifies the means.
And best of all, absolutely nobody suspects a thing. Everyone thinks I’m salt of the earth and butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth.
All because of that, completely fake, thin veneer of respectability.
TOM
What Could Go Possibly Wrong 024
A thin veneer of reality streaked across the ages. Bodies falling of bodies in a huge puppy pile of human. It looked like Guernica on a bad hair day. Lot of groans and colorful language. The first intelligent voice was surprisingly the captain. A true Douglas Adams moment. “Said the Petunias: Oh no not again.” The next quip was “Curse you Cervantes,” from Molly who somehow had sole ownership of the pint glass. If only for a second. Seeing the gun man had lost his restraints Parker set the pint glass on his forehead again. A oh no not again moment.
NORVAL JOE
hey all waited silently in the dark woods for so long that Billbert couldn’t help himself and asked, “Is it time for the caramel corn?”
He heard giggles from the boys and girls before the old woman asked, “Warren? Warren? Where’s the flashlight?”
A man cleared his throat. “Oh. Sorry.”
A light flashed on and illuminated a woman of advanced age, a wavy black streak wormed through her silver hair. She turned toward the boys and girls in the darkness. “Which one of you spoke?”
All the boys and girls knew it was Billbert, so he admitted, “It was me.”
PLANET Z
Alfred Nobel was a misanthrope, hating all people.
This may have motivated him to invest dynamite and other implements of war and death.
But when his brother died and journalists mistook Alfred’s brother for Alfred, the obituaries were vicious and bitter.
“The Merchant of Death?” yelled Alfred. “I will show them!”
And he stopped producing weapons, instead establishing the Nobel Prizes for advances in humanity.
He also established a fund to hunt down and kill the journalists who had insulted him.
Newspaper offices across the world went up in flames.
“I knew that dynamite would come in handy,” said Alfred.
Is it true
Is it true that Isaac Newton came up with the idea for the Law of Gravity while resting under an apple tree? Maybe.
Is it true that Isaac Newton came up with the idea for the Law of Gravity when an apple fell on his head? Possibly.
Is it true that Isaac Newton came up with the idea for the Law of Gravity when Robert Hooke chopped down the apple tree and it fell on his head? Probably not.
But we know that it wasn’t a pear. Or an orange. Or a banana.
Is anything that certain in this world?