I am fat.
I exercise. I diet.
But I am sick of bland and boring food.
I tried the Thug Life Cookbook.
It is full of savory and enticing vegan dishes.
But my stomach couldn’t take it.
Too much spice. Too much heat.
I was sick all of the time.
This stuff is supposed to make me feel good and enjoy food.
But I feel awful all of the time.
I bought a bottle of malt liquor and poured it out for my fallen homies.
Then, I washed the bottle.
And filled it with chicken broth.
It looks about right.
The sidewalk of could have been
Outside of the Hall Of Fame is the Sidewalk of Could Have Been.
These were the stars of high school, college, and sandlots.
Some of them made it to the minor leagues or practice squads.
And a few are in their respective college or high school or state halls of fame, but not here. The real Hall Of Fame.
They had the raw talent, but not the skill.
They’ll tell you that they had both, but were never given a chance, but to make it as far as they did, they had plenty of chances.
Don’t stare. Just keep walking.
Self-Driving Cars
Fred worked in the research group that was developing self-driving cars for…
Well, I can’t tell you. But you can figure it out, I think.
I mean, it was in the news. And the papers.
The guy snapped.
He programmed in a Deathrace style game where the cars collected points for things or people that they hit.
Dozens of cars, trucks, and vans went berserk in the parking lot.
A few smashed through the glass wall of the company cafeteria.
Where Fred was watching the carnage, sipping his chicken noodle soup.
He shouldn’t have made himself worth a thousand points.
Weekly Challenge #605 – PICK TWO Shed, Sale, Rancor, Vellum, Slope, Zip, Kale, Bane
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
LIZZIE
“The bicycle ride is too expensive, he said. He wanted it for free. The nerve! He even questioned my ability to make decisions about my own business. Who does he think he is? Never again! I will sell everything and go to the big city.” And Ronnie continued to grumble until the client came back and smiled.
“I’ll give you one million dollars for the bike business. Accept?”
“Hell, yeah!”
The next day, Ronnie saw on the news that an oil company had found oil in his old property. And Ronnie continued to grumble for the rest of his life.
RICHARD
Kale
Want to shed a few pounds? Lose some of that spare tyre and get fit again – and all without the hassle of exercising or joining a gym?
Well, it’s your lucky day!
Try my curly kale diet for just three months, and you’ll never look back.
It’s simple – just eat kale and nothing else for every meal: Boiled, stewed, baked or grilled, and discover a new, slim, healthy you!
Try it. Today!
(Not recommended for the old, young, pregnant, infirm, healthy, or image conscious. Results may vary. May cause drowsiness, incontinence and dangerous side effects. Use with caution!)
CHARLIE
The ZipLoc bag held my kale and wolfs bane. I blended them with water and carrots. I poured a glass of the concoction for my odious houseguest.
Joe had overstayed his visit, and I wanted him to leave. After we finished breakfast, I invited him for a swim in the river, nearby. The cold water didn’t numb the burning and severe side effects. In minutes he was nauseous, vomiting, and unable to move. A few more minutes, and his paralyzed body was swept away by the current.
I went back to my apartment and washed the blender and his glass.
#2
After the heavy rains, the guest shed balanced precariously on the slope above the beach. The shed was constructed offsite, and delivered by truck.
Guests were told that the shed had a gorgeous view of the surf, but to take care putting too much weight on the South side of the building.
My cousin and her family visited, bringing their trunks, cooking pots, big screen TV and several cases of Fiji water. Well, you know what happened.
The rain washed the earth and gravel from under the floor joists, and the shed slid down the cliff, carrying the guests away.
TOM
Pretty Pictures
Brother Rancor had rose through the ranks of the illuminator at St Leibowitz. His fanciful interplay of animals in the most compromising interactions had amused the purchasers of the works of the Abby, thus increasing the same Abby’s coffers. As chief illuminator Rancor could have left the preparation of the vellum to a newly arrived brother, but Rancor’s had developed a unique application of ink that demanded a surface of extraordinarily smoothness, but at the same time biting resistance. This singleness of mind led to a long-standing resentfulness amongst his brother, and in the end led to Brother Rancor’s demise.
Going Green
The bane of Billy’s existence was Kale. Try as he may the evil leaf perused him like the horseman of the Apocalypse. It didn’t help his insane parents had doomed him to the commune from hell, deep in the Californian mountains. The vegi-Nazis who ran the show were hell bent to leather their young charges would be health in spite of themselves. No one took notice of Billy’s sudden and enthusiastic request to join the salad crew. When the Med-i-vac choppers had airlift the last of the member out, Billy below him could see paradise by the golden arches.
SERENDIPITY
“Isn’t it wonderful?” gushed Otto, “I’ve kept it safe all my life, but I could never bring myself to put it on sale”.
The old bookseller gazed at me through rheumy eyes; “Just look at the quality of the vellum!”
I smiled, humouring him – if the old fool wanted to believe that, then I wouldn’t argue with him, and I wasn’t about to haggle over the price either.
I named my figure.
His eyes bulged in shock, then clutching his chest, he collapsed to the floor, dead.
Reverently, I stroked the pages: Not vellum, of course, but human skin.
JEFFREY
The Green Revolution
by Jeffrey Fischer
My doctor said I needed more greens in my diet. I took advantage of a sale on some kale to make a smoothie. It came out the color of radioactive algae. My wife applauded my effort at improving my health. Still, I noticed she didn’t offer to drink any.
One sip was all I needed to realize that a kale smoothie might be the worst thing ever to consume, subject to the constraint that it didn’t actually kill you. I only wanted to die.
The next day, in anticipation that my wife would nag me about another smoothie, I stopped at 7-11 and bought a Mountain Dew Slurpee. Same radioactive green color, much better taste. Being health-conscious wasn’t so tough after all!
TURA
Kale; Shed
———
A peasant was brought before a local magistrate accused of sedition. He had been overheard to grumble in local taverns against his lord. Considering the gravity of the matter, the magistrate referred it upwards, and so it came before General Wei.
General Wei said, “The gossip of the kaleyard is to be judged in the woodshed.” He required the first magistrate to have the accused executed for sedition. His informer was executed for disturbing the public order. The magistrates who had passed the case upward were executed for involving persons of superior class in matters beneath their dignity to notice.
———
NORVAL JOE
In Axel’s four months in the Organization he had never shed blood intentionally. Sure, recently he had defended himself twice and those two guys are dead.
Now, to stay in the Organ, or get out, he had to kill his girlfriend.
He didn’t have a choice. If he didn’t kill her, they would kill him, eventually.
He had a thumb-stun up his sleeve. He only needed to zip it out and pop it in her face. Minutes later, she’d be dead.
Ursseanna entered the room. Her eyes lit up when she saw Axel. With a smile she hurried to him.
DUANE
Zip Vellum
When you get mad you can zip off an angry text in two seconds. It wasn’t always so easy.
In the distant past it was a safe bet you were illiterate. You had to trudge for three days and stand in front of your tormentors hut and stamp your feet and yell.
Later came writing and vellum, but that meant you needed to skin a calf. For that you might have to wait till spring. By then you had probably forgotten what had made you so mad or the offender had died from the plague. Either way, you felt better.
PLANET Z
Kale. To some, it’s the bane of their existence.
To me, it’s a delicacy.
I love kale chips.
I’ll clear out the grocery store’s stock every time I go.
It’s rather expensive, though. Even when they’re on sale.
People say it’s so easy to make kale chips yourself.
I’ve tried to make them on my own, and I didn’t do so well.
I always end up making a mess in the kitchen and then burning them in the oven.
What good is cheaper when the end result is nothing?
So, I’ve gone back to buying kale chips at the store.
Not so fantastic
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think the Fantastic Four is all that fantastic.
The invisible girl never shows up to appointments. Sure, she’s always on time, but she never shows up. Because she’s invisible.
The stretching guy not only stretches his limbs, but stretches all his stories out to bore everyone at parties. And he stretches the truth when he tells them. Can’t trust a thing he says.
The guy made out of rocks has rocks in his head. Can’t remember anything you tell him.
And the guy on fire? I dare you to shake his hand.
Dance Hall Days
I think back to my younger days at the dance hall.
When the music began, there was no keeping Sally off of the dance floor.
Yes, I know that she’s a Baptist, and Baptists aren’t allowed to dance.
But she didn’t go out on to the dance floor to dance.
She went out there to harass the dancers and shout “YOU’RE ALL GOING TO HELL!”
When the band took requests, people asked them to hit Sally with a trumpet or a guitar.
And they did. Maybe a little too hard.
These days, Sally tends to sit quietly, drooling a little.
The Zero
Some historians say that Arabic mathematician Mohammed ibn-Musa al-Khowarizmi invented the zero.
But they’re wrong. the zero has been around since ancient Mesopotamia.
Hindus and Greeks knew them, too.
They just didn’t have a pretty symbol for it.
The truth is, al-Khowarizmi was baking some eights, and he accidentally dropped the tray.
Most of the eights shattered, but a few split along the center, creating pairs of zeroes.
Others split lengthwise, making pairs of threes, but he already had a batch of those cooling on the windowsill.
Pressed for time, he baked more eights, and flipped some sixes into nines.
Andy
Andy Kaufman isn’t dead.
He’s alive. Very alive.
It’s his comedy partner Bob Zmuda that is dead.
How so?
Well, they teamed up to create the Tony Clifton character.
They both could dress up and perform as Tony.
Andy appeared as him, then Bob appeared as him.
After Andy’s alleged death, Tony kept showing up.
People thought it was Bob performing as Tony.
But some thought it was Andy.
And when Bob appeared as himself, it was really Andy as Bob.
And now? Today?
Maybe I’m not me.
Maybe I’m dead.
Maybe I’m Andy.
Or, maybe.
Just maybe
You are.
Play the game
When your dad takes you to the game, he tells you about all the players he grew up with.
Some of them are coaches now. Or play-by-play announcers. Or endorsing various products.
You think “Who gives a crap about the underwear that this guy has on?”
And you cheer on your team.
They win. They lose.
The owners trade some of them around.
Eventually, they retire.
And become coaches. Or play-by-play announcers. Or endorse various products.
An underwear commercial comes on.
You try to tell your kid about when that guy played the game.
But they don’t care.
Not yet.
It Takes Two To Tango In Jail
Everybody on the whole cell block was dancing to the Jail House Rock.
Except for Bob and Joe. They were doing the Tango.
I’m not sure how they managed to get the rose to pass between their mouths.
Does someone grow roses out in the fields?
I know they check for marijuana and other contraband.
Is a rose contraband?
Perhaps one of the guards or administration secretaries got a bunch of roses for an anniversary, or a birthday?
Because I don’t think you can smuggle one in the usual way without damaging the rose.
Or wanting it in your mouth.