Weekly Challenge #594 – GAS

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Tinny and flowers

JEFFREY

Now Yer Cookin’
by Jeffrey Fischer

Mary recognized the smell as soon as she opened the door. She worked as an EMT and was trained to detect even small odors of gas. Her training told her to leave the house immediately, find a safe place, and call 911. She debated doing that but, against her better judgment, she stayed put.

“Har-OLD!” she bellowed, opening as many windows as she could. “Don’t you notice that overpowering smell? I told you to do something about it the last time this happened!”

Her husband appeared in the doorway. “Sorry, dear. I filled up the tank today, and you know I can’t resist those 7-11 burritos.”

RICHARD

Gas

It was about time I did my bit for the environment, using alternative energy.

I tried solar power – but it’s never sunny in Britain; I’m too far from the sea for wave power, and I couldn’t get planning permission for a wind turbine. So, I bought some cows and all my energy needs are now supplied from bovine methane.

It has drawbacks – like angry neighbours complaining about the smell, but it’s definitely the right approach.

Even the cows approve – many times whilst inserting gas collection pipes, (unpleasant, but necessary!) – I’ve received a pat on the back!

CHARLIE

Conrad had a tough childhood. His parents were sorry he was born. He grew sorry as well.

He was a goofy kid, with no merit at all. He matured and soon became a lazy, loud bully in his pre-teen years. His parents made a decision, and took Conrad with them when they visited relatives in Oklahoma.

They left Conrad staked to the grassy knoll behind the Conoco station in Ponca City, just a bit off Highway 60.

He was discovered by a couple stopping to picnic nearby. It was too late. Coyotes had gnawed off his legs and his ears.

#2

A visible plume of gas rose from the couch cushions. The toxic soup that covered the inside of the living room had subsided a bit, and now we dealt with the destruction and poisons left behind by the floodwaters.

A fish wiggled in the corner until the cat’s eyes were drawn to it. A fresh, but tainted meal for a hungry pet.

We shared cans of pork and beans, crackers, and cans of lukewarm soda. Uncle Larry drank what was left of the whiskey in the cabinet, until he sank into a stupor.

A bullfrog jumped out of the bookcase.

TOM

Classical Gas
40 years ago at the end of the Summer of Love a curious film was show on The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour. It was called 3000 Years of Art by Dan McLaughlin. 100s of the world’s greatest works of art flash by at ten of a second. The driving music behind that river of art was Classical Gas by Mason Williams. By today’s standards a quant footnote of the counter culture. But at the time it was pretty impressive, so much so it ended by aspirations at an accountant and set me on the path to a career in art.

JON

They Are Really Quite Safe

By

Jon DeCles

The last time I was there they made quite a deal about how the most important documents of American History were preserved in Argon. That is, The Declaration of Independence, The Constitution, and The Bill of Rights, which you can see right in front of you, are in chambers filled with Argon. Moreover, they showed us a model of how, in a flash, those chambers, with their documents, could be lowered into a huge lead vault, sufficient, they believed, to survive a direct nuclear attack. Some people call the building The Tomb of Liberty.

Argon is a very Noble Gas.

LIZZIE

The painting on the wall flickered, alive with the dancing flames of the gas fireplace. The man sat on a chair. His attention was on the geometric face. He had never intended it to come out like that but he thought it was beautiful. He cleaned his hands with a colorful cloth. She hated that. She hated the smell too. She hated when he sat in the living-room in his “rags”, as she called his painting overalls. When she saw the painting, she wanted to burn it. His nails had red underneath, and the painting was still on the wall.

SERENDIPITY

Most people are completely uninformed about us cannibals. We’re more refined than you might think.

We’ve good jobs, lovely homes, and hold responsible roles in society. Although we may enjoy the odd meal of human flesh, it’s not some sort of zombie ready meal; it’s far more likely to be a slow roasted escalope of thigh, with a balsamic reduction, accompanied by a good pinot noir.

You certainly won’t find us daubed in paint, dancing half naked around a couple of missionaries in a massive cauldron, bubbling over a log fire.

Of course not…

These days, we’re cooking on gas!

NORVAL JOE

Axel didn’t need to read the platform numbers as he descended the stairs to know he neared the lowest levels of the Galactic Battle Base. Level fifty was the water storage level, and forty-nine was sewerage treatment. The smell of methane gas told him forty-nine was only a few levels away.
Exiting the stairs at level forty-eight he stepped into the passage link deciding which way to turn. Recycling centers dotted the length and circumference of the forty-eighth level. He had to find the center where Astrah, worked. The center where they recycled items other than, old jumpsuits and uneaten food.

DUANE

Gas

As the dentist left the room I moved the mask from my nose to mouth and took a couple deep breaths. The hose fell off the mask. My arms seemed twenty feet away as I fixed it and put it back on my nose. The little outlet valve popped into my lap. Feeling around with tingling fingers I got it on just as the dentist returned.

“Ready?”, he asked as he turned up the gas.

Nothing happened. He turned it up some more. Nothing. He reached over and flicked the mask with his finger. I saw God. Best dentist ever!

TURA

Gas
———
We set off on a trip, and before we reach the end of the street, she goes, “Wait! I left the gas on!!”

Yes, you always do, or leave a window open, or something. That’s why I check everything myself after you’re in the car. But all the way it’s, “I left the back door open! I shut the neighbours’ cat inside!”

One year, she kept this up every day of the holiday.

“Hey, it’s so quiet!” said the kids on the way back. “And so much space! Did we leave something behind?”

“Not accidentally,” I say, and drive on.

PLANET Z

All of the refineries shut down when the hurricane passed through.
It’s taking a while for the engineers to get them back up and running.
Gas prices went up. The numbers on the signs ticked up daily.
That is, if they had any gas to sell.
Some places just have Premium, and others just have Regular.
A lot of them don’t have any gas at all.
All the stations along the highway are dry.
But they keep their signs lit, luring people in.
I guess they’re hoping to sell lottery tickets, or milk at five dollars a gallon or something.

George the Pirate Drink

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had occasional flashes of brilliance, such as finding a warehouse that contained casks and barrels of wine, rum, and whiskey.
The problem was, the casks and barrels weren’t labeled.
So, the men volunteered to open them up to figure out what was in them.
Seven hours later, the crew was completely passed out drunk, and nobody was controlling the ship.
The winds and tide blew it back to the warehouse’s pier, smashing the ship to bits.
Those who didn’t drown were fished out by the militia and jailed.

George Sedaris

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He bought some confidence-boosting audio tapes to listen to while he slept.
But his shipmates replaced them with audio books by David Sedaris.
Instead of charging boldly into ship battles and plundering towns, George sat down and recounted his days as a Christmas elf in a department store.
Oddly enough, townspeople put down their weapons to gather around George and listen to the stories.
Using George as a distraction, the pirates easily robbed the town and escaped with the treasure.
From which, they paid David Sedaris’ hefty royalty fees.

George the Valet

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After he was fired from his job, he ended up as a valet for a popular pirate tavern.
He parked pirate ships at the pier.
With practice, he became quite skilled at maximizing available dock space. Not a single wreck.
The tips weren’t bad, either.
One night, his old ship sailed in for dinner.
The crew didn’t recognize George. They just saw a fancy-dressed lackey with money sticking out of his pockets.
So, they kidnapped him.
“Thanks, guys,” said George. “It’s good to be back.”
They threw him overboard.

George the Lying Pirate

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
If George tells you that he’s good at anything, he’s lying.
Make him prove it.
If he says he’s good at tying knots, make him tie a knot.
If he says he’s good with a sword, challenge him to a fight.
If he says he’s good with anything, don’t believe him until you see it.
Well, okay, there’s one thing George is good at.
That’s lying about being a good pirate.
Most pirates say they aren’t actually pirates.
Especially when they get caught and sent to the local jail.

George Marks The Spot

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“X marks the spot!” says George, holding up a map.
“That looks more like a lower-case T,” says The Captain.
“I think it looks like a plus symbol,” says The First Mate.
“Just rotate the map a little,” said George.
So, they did.
“It looks like two exes next to each other,” said Berdsley.
“That’s because you’re drunk,” said George. “It’s one X.”
It turned out to be a Starbucks in Hoboken, New Jersey.
“I’ll get the shovels,” said George. “Oh, and can you order me a double espresso?”

George vs. Blackbeard

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he started rumors that Blackbeard dyed his beard.
Word got to Blackbeard about the rumor.
“George who?” he said.
Then, George started rumors that Blackbeard’s beard was a fake.
Word got to Blackbeard about that rumor, too.
“Wait, wasn’t he the one who started the rumor about me dying my beard?” said Blackbeard.
George spread the rumors far and wide, until Blackbeard got pissed off.
“That’s it,” said Blackbeard. “Time to fight fire with fire.”
Blackbeard took out a sheet of paper and wrote “George was a pirate…”

Weekly Challenge #593 – DEAL

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Tinny and Pizza

TOM

an aging scholar

Ok Ok. I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I got the good stuff, there was a lot time to figure out how to get out of the deal. Ya Ya, the quy has offered the same deal to bunches of folk over the millenniums. There’s a mess of operas and poems about how it turn out so wrong, but I’m a damn clever guy. I got an ace up my sleeve. So now at 110 years old, think I’ll lay it on the table.

Méphistophélès is turned away by the shining sword of the archangel.

CHARLIE

I always heard that the one who dealt it is the one who smelt it, or is it the one that smelt it is the one who dealt it?

This concerns the gaseous expression of hydrocarbons in and about the home.
My aunt was lighting a birthday cake with her butane grill lighter, and feeling an august explosion forthcoming, she reached behind her and lit it off, unknowingly starting the dining room curtains on fire.

She brought the cake into the living room as the house filled with smoke and flames. The fire squad put it out.

No big deal.

RICHARD

Deal

They offered me a deal: Names, in exchange for immunity from prosecution and a new identity.

I wasn’t sure about the ‘new identity’. The people I mixed with didn’t like snitches, if they caught up with me, who knows what they’d do?

Changing my name and relocating wouldn’t be enough, if I was recognised it was definitely game over.

“Don’t worry, kid, we can fix it so your own mother won’t recognise you!”

I gave them the names.

They set me up! Told the gang, and left me to their mercies.

My own mother didn’t recognise me after they’d finished!

JEFFREY

The Art of the Deal
by Jeffrey Fischer

“Deal me in.” I sat at the empty chair and tossed some cash into the pile. I sensed a big night coming for me.

As the hours wore down, so did my stakes. These pups were taking me to the cleaners! I felt my anger begin to rise, but I kept my cool.

Finally I was out. Beaten. The dollars weren’t the issue: I could afford to lose them. No, it was the blow to my pride that stuck with me. Who’d have thought dogs would be so good at playing poker? Must be all that practice those hounds got while posing for endless portraits.

LIZZIE

The deal was that you’d never scream at me. The deal was that a smile would be a smile and not a sarcastic sneer thrown at my soul. The deal was that I would live today, dream of tomorrow, regret nothing of the past. And now, I live today, dreading tomorrow and desperately trying to forget what happened. The more they told me to walk away, the more I pretended not to listen. I covered my ears, shut my eyes, sheltered my soul, and one day, in darkness, I decided to leave. May my tombstone read “The deal was broken.”

SERENDIPITY

Here’s the deal: Keep your mouth shut about what you’ve seen and neither of us have to worry about any comebacks – me, hassle from the law, and you, hassle from me.

Of course, I’m taking a risk in letting you go. It’s not what I’d normally do. You see I prefer to go by the principal of ‘dead men can’t talk’, but I think you’ll agree that one murder tonight is enough?

Even so, I’ll need to be sure… Mute men can’t talk either!

Did I say ‘keep your mouth shut’? What I meant to say was…

Open wide!

TURA

Deal
———
“Sharper on table 4,” said my colleague. He showed me a replay. “You can’t see anything,” he said, “but something’s off, I can smell it.”

The cameras go 200 frames per second, and I had to single-step to see it. Dealing from the bottom, under the top, peeking at the corners, faster than the eye could see.

Faster than human fingers could move.

“Android or just enhanced, we need a SWAT team to handle this one,” I said.

Sometimes I think we should give up and let anything sit at a poker table. They did that in sports years ago.

DUANE

Comedy Boot Camp

Comedy boot camp isn’t pretty. It isn’t meant to be. It exists to separate class clowns from comedians. New recruits are barraged with questions requiring rapid-fire responses. The first question is always, “what’s the deal with airline food?”

Routinely instructors yell “drop and give me twenty!” A recruit goes to his knees and begins shouting “Well, excuuuse meee!” Everyone thinks they can do twenty at first. After ten they’re sweating and shaking. They say it builds character.

At the end comes Hell Week. It involves drill instructors screaming orders as they randomly change persona from Sam Kinison to Jerry Lewis.

JON

An Excellent Deal

By

Jon DeCles

The deals of the table were red, Scots pine, not white: which meant that we could afford it. The lumberman told us that the white, from Norway spruce, might be stronger, but would be more expensive. He said the table would be very serviceable in any case, and vastly cheaper than one of hardwood.

We cared little for the ultimate quality of the table. It would soon be scarred by the strokes of our cleavers and saws. A plain deal table was all that was needed for our purpose.

The pine would burn readily, leaving no evidence for Scotland Yard.

NORVAL JOE

Axelrod wondered how fate could deal him such a crappy hand.
Born on the Galactic Battle Base to low ranking personnel who had as little ambition to transfer to a planet side duty assignment as they did to advance their careers enough to get a larger cube closer to the entertainment sectors.
Axel had twenty years of drudgery to look forward to before he could he could transfered out on his own merit.
He’d heard that others deal in black market goods.
That could be exciting, and get him a shuttle off the giant tube before he’s forty years old.

PLANET Z

Back in the Seventies, there was this game show called Let’s Make A Deal.
Audience members dressed up in stupid and crazy costumes, and the host would invite them to trade for various unknown items in a box or behind a curtain.
The best game was when the host offered money for a particular common item, like a comb or a toothbrush.
Things got awkward when he asked for a flask of whiskey or pain pills.
And downright awkward when he held up a twenty for a blowjob.
“If I feel your teeth,” said the host. “You only get five.”

George the Pirate Simulator

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wanted to improve his pirating skills, but no coach wanted to train him.
And he was permanently banned from the Disney theme parks for using It’s A Small World as a training simulator.
The lines to Pirates of the Caribbean were too long, and they were both simple boat rides, right?
He tried to build an immersive simulator with virtual reality goggles.
As long as he remembered to use the controller, it worked well.
But he’d forget, and end up blindly slashing panicked crewmates with his all-too-real sword.

George and Rum

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Whenever it was time to go “Yo ho ho”, he’d forget the bottle of rum.
Or, when he had a bottle of rum, it would be gone by the time he remembered to “Yo ho ho.”
“What about scotch?” asked George. “Will scotch do?”
The other pirates shouted NOOOOO!
“You know, we could make the rum last longer if we used mixers,” suggested George.
Which worked out for everyone, as long as George remembered to wash out the blender when they switched from Daiquiris to Mojitos or Pina Coladas.