While Jack is asleep, his mustache flies around the neighborhood.
Then, when Jack wakes up, his mustache comes back and lands back on his face.
I’ve tried to convince Jack of this, but he calls me crazy.
He says that my photographs are all PhotoShopped. And the movies I take with my smartphone are all faked.
So, I waited for Jack to fall asleep, and closed the windows and doors to his bedroom.
After a few minutes, I woke him up.
“Holy shit!” shouted Jack. “Where is my mustache?”
It never came back.
So, how do you like my mustache?
Race To The moon
It’s a race to the moon.
Our team against theirs.
First team to the moon wins.
They have experience.
But we have the numbers.
The contest judge yells GO!
I open the first can of beans.
And shovel them into my mouth.
The other team duct-tapes one ladder to another.
“More ladders!” yells the other team. “More duct tape!”
I eat another two cans of beans before they get another ladder.
“It’s so close!” yells the man at the top of their ladder. “More!”
That’s when the beans kicked in.
No, I didn’t reach the moon.
But they tasted good.
Probes
I bought a headset that delivers a mild electric current to spots on my head. The electrodes are on ports that can be adjusted to various angles so the current stimulates different parts of my brain.
I turn it on, let it do its work, and then write down how I feel.
Since it’s hard to map these things on paper, I take photographs of my head so I can remember what this thing does to me.
This position makes me happy.
This position makes me angry.
This position makes me… me…
I think I need to take a shower.
Charlie – Cave
The cave was meant as a lark. I convinced the kids that I was going to dig the hole so deep that when I came out the other side, I would be in China. My youngest, a smart little shit, said if I dug down straight I’d come out someplace in the Indian Ocean, so I had better angle the hole a bit. This took the fun out of my little prank, so I just dug a hole deep enough to bury some junk I had in the garage and all the incriminating stuff inside my safe in the den.
#2
They invited me for a day of spelunking West of here. They said it would be an easy day, with no water traps or streams to contend with. It was an invitation offered by my church group. I haven’t been afraid of tight spaces, heights, darkness, and bugs since my divorce, so I looked forward to the adventure. I put fresh batteries in my headlamp, grabbed some more gear and was on my way to Gardner Cave. Again, I reminded myself that wrestling myself through tight, wet, cracks in the semi-darkness was something I left behind a long time ago.
#3
Teenie Parker’s husband spent hours in his man cave, watching sports on a large TV, and mixing drinks made at his built-in bar. Teenie stumbled on photos of “she-sheds” online. She wanted one of her own. She sheds have become the female response to man caves. She saved, and had one built in the backyard. The new shed was fitted with solar heating, a small bath, and comforting wood stove. Teenie spent more and more time in it, and grew to love it so much, she moved out of the main house, and divorced her cold spouse in the process.
For The Sea Gods
I spent the whole night on the beach with her.
Sat next to her and watched the tide come in.
She begged for me to dig her out of the sand, but there’s no way I’d do that.
So, I gagged her before she started screaming.
As each wave rolled in closer, she went from scared to angry to what I swear was forgiveness.
Like all the others.
Sometimes, I dig them out after they get a wave or two against their face.
But not this one. This one belongs to the Sea Gods.
“Yes,” they demand.
And I comply.
Dan Bakerology
I had a hard time choosing a major in college, so I decided on Dan Bakerology.
That’s the study of me, Dan Baker.
I got straight A’s in it, too.
Graduated Magna Cum Laude.
Barely beat out my girlfriend, who was minoring in Dan Bakerology.
Well, ex-girlfriend. She dropped me, but didn’t drop the minor.
The campus police called it stalking.
She was allowed to graduate anyway.
For my masters thesis, I plan to turn in a mirror.
The big question is, how the hell do I get a job with this degree?
I knew I should have chosen Sociology.
SAT
Back in my day, the SAT was a test on paper that you picked the best answers or combination of answers.
It went electronic a few years after I graduated.
Then, it went immersive. A neural halo that measured knowledge and analytical skills directly in the brain.
But some kids had their brains fried when they tried to cheat with chemical boosters.
Their parents sued the college board, claiming it was the neural halo, not the boosters that caused the damage.
Eventually, the whole system was disbanded. Smart or dumb, it didn’t matter anymore.
Only the rich could afford college.
Weekly Challenge #524 – Cave
Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.
This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
We’ve got stories by:
If you come up with a story on this topic after this post went up, feel free to send it in and I can add it to the site.
MUNSI
The Rave in the Cave
By Christopher Munroe
It’s an amazing name for an event, but in execution, two problems become apparent.
Firstly: Raving in an actual cave reminds people too much of the Matrix Sequels.
Second: I’m in my thirties, what the fuck am I even doing at a rave?
Nonetheless, the acoustics in the cave were amazing, and I figured with enough club drugs I’d enjoy myself regardless of the inappropriateness of my weekend plans.
Men in their thirties still party like nineteen-year-olds, after all!
We just pay for it in the morning.
And that, in a nutshell, is why I’m not coming into work today…
JEFFREY
Fallout Shelter
by Jeffrey Fischer
He told his wife that the apocalypse was near and that they needed to be prepared. She nodded and grunted what he took to be an assent – he had timed the request for a “Real Housewives” marathon so she wouldn’t pay much attention to him – and he ordered the supplies.
For the next few weeks, trucks arrived in the driveway, unloaded, and drove off. His wife paid little heed to the process until she saw the Budweiser truck pulling away. She ventured into the basement. Case after case of beer was piled high in one corner. He had furnished the cellar with a dozen reclining chairs, all facing a 72″ TV.
“This doesn’t look like a shelter,” she complained. “It looks more like a man cave that sucked up our retirement savings!”
“You ride out nuclear winter your way, and I’ll ride it out mine.”
Vintage Expedition
by Jeffrey Fischer
The spelunkers widened the gap and wedged themselves into the cave. They were excited to be the first humans to explore here. Cautiously, with miners’ lamps illuminating the way, they moved ever deeper into the mountain.
At last, the narrow passageway ended in an enormous cavern – that was filled with cases of beer and wine. One of the men finally found his voice. “My God, we’ve died and ended up in Heaven.”
“Actually,” said a prissy voice from some distance away,” you’re in the wine cellar of Maison Blanche, which is directly above us. And you’re trespassing. Unless you have a dinner reservation?”
RICHARD
Cave
Boggins could tell the owner of the voice was not amused. The creature laughed – a gurgling, oily, guttural sound that set the hobbit’s already tense nerves into a state of agitated panic.
A slimy, scratchy, slithering filled the cave and Boggins realised with horror that his unseen companion was drawing closer.
He had to get out of that cave!
In abject terror, he leaped for the cave entrance, however in his haste he completely misjudged his flight and crashed heavily – face first – into the unyielding stone of the cave’s mouth.
Gibbering quietly, he slipped gently into unconsciousness.
SERENDIPITY
They sealed up the entrance to the cave after the accident, declaring it too dangerous for recreational pursuits.
Four dead and no bodies recovered.
Four dead – that’s what they thought, but it was three dead and one survivor.
You have no idea what being sealed up in a cave for six months with only the decaying bodies of your friends for company does to you.
But I know exactly what it does to you.
And now that I’ve tunnelled my way back out, those who abandoned me are going to find out exactly what it does to you too!
LIZZIE
The growling coming from the cave was nothing compared to the fear they shared of ghosts. Emily, however, had a deep rooted curiosity about entities of a parallel dimension. The problem was that these entities enjoyed playing tricks on their mortal counterparts. One was imitating voices and that growling was exceptionally realistic indeed. When they stepped inside the cave to take a picture of the ghost, the flash showed them, for a fraction of a second, the chilling white teeth of a huge black bear. “Oh, so ghosts don’t exist after all,” said Emily disappointed with the insignificant furry problem.
NORVAL JOE
Mickey had a choice. He could search through each of the books or he could chase after Polecat. The latter seemed more productive.
The exit she had taken opened into short passage. At one side was another exit onto the street, on the other a door stood ajar to a small theater. Monkey Boy peeked into the assembly room. As dark as a cave he could see nothing, though his monkey senses picked up the sound of someone breathing.
Mickey slipped off his shoes and climbed along the backs of the seats. He leapt on a form laying between rows.
TOM
PreNeolithic Dwelling
Me happy. Me dry. Life good in cave. Fuckn cave good. Forest sucks. Damn animals. Mate likes cave. She decorating. Want mural. So I paint Fuckn animals. Ever paint in the dark. It’s a bitch. She hate mural. Fuck her. Me go hunt. Bear finds cave. Need new mate. Maybe new cave. Good idea. Bigger cave. Maybe sub leases. Neanderthals good. Bit slow. Good with children. Smell funny. Wait, I smell funny. Fuck we all smell funny. Cave coming along. New mate wants new mural. Same old story. Hunt and paint. Story of me life. Maybe paint bears. This time.
TURA
Cave
———
“Siri, where is the One Ring?”
“It is at the foot of the Cave of the Ancients, in the Lost Valley of the Kings, beyond the Mountains of Doom, across the Misty Seas. Giant scorpions scuttle through the Cave. The Valley is filled with Inextinguishable Fire. The Mountains walk and crush all intruders, and the Misty Seas cannot be navigated.”
“eBay, where is the One Ring?”
“It is being auctioned by sauron8645. The current price is 561 kilograms of Philosopher’s Stone.”
“Facebook, where is the One Ring?”
“That account has been locked for making public posts of images of basilisks.”
PLANET Z
I challenged my students to determine the true identity of Batman.
One student used Google Earth and traffic cameras to reveal that the Batmobile went back to a cave near Wayne Manor.
Another student matched DNA from a Joker-Batman fight to Bruce Wayne.
A third student found Wayne Enterprises patents on a bunch of Batman’s gear.
Finally, a fourth student traced the Batcomputer’s route through Wayne Manor’s Comcast router.
Truly brilliant. Best student’s I’ve had since I was released from Arkham and offered a teaching positions.
I also advise the school newspaper.
“Riddle me this, Bruce…” the headline will shout.
Super Rage Quit
I was there when Superman said he would never fly again.
“I’m never going to fly again,” he said. “Ever.”
Then he took off his cape, tossed it in the trash, and walked to The Daily Planet.
“I QUIT!” he shouted.
It took them a few minutes to realize that he was Clark Kent.
Then he did a few interviews and speaking engagements for money. Even posed in Playgirl.
“Easy money,” he said. He thought about selling his services to the highest bidder, but he decided to stay retired.
“If you monkeys screw this planet, I’ll just fly to Mars.”
Put Behind Me
It took me a few years, but I finally put my ex-wife behind me.
No, not just the lawyers and paperwork and financial stuff. Or the emotional stuff.
I literally put her behind me. A microsecond behind me in the space-time continuum. And as long as she is out of phase with the universe, she’s out of my life.
This also solves the joint-custody problem with the kids. She can see them any time she wants, even if they’re just echoes of themselves.
Her lawyers say this is unreasonable. So I sent them back to the age of the dinosaurs.