Dr. Odd Saved Christmas

Remember the year that Doctor Odd saved Christmas?
Of course you don’t. Because that’s how Doctor Odd saved Christmas.
He used a gigantic mind-control laser bounced off of the ball in Times Square to make everybody forget about 2016.
Then, after some paperwork, everyone assumed that 2017 was actually 2016.
Okay, so there were some issues with food and medicine expiring a year early.
And kids had freakishly sudden growth spurts. Especially babies.
As for what Doctor Odd saved Christmas from, nobody knows. He’s not telling.
Just keep staring at the ball, in case he has to save it again.

Colored Noses

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer wasn’t the only reindeer with an unusual nose.
Glen the Green-Nosed Reindeer had a nose that glowed blue.
And Bert the Brown-Nosed Reindeer was always sticking his nose up the other reindeer’s asses, asking if he could do favors for them.
Shub-Yggrath wasn’t a reindeer. He was one of The Old Ones, having fallen from space into the Arctic ice.
He didn’t have a nose. He was a mass of tentacles, fangs, and eyes.
He howled and breathed fire.
Rudolph and the other reindeer flew away from the burning carnage that used to be Santa’s Workshop.

The Regifting

The Smiths next door had a carbon monoxide leak.
Instead of waking up to Christmas and presents, they all died in their sleep.
The Fire Department took the kids’ presents down to the poor kids in the hospital.
But they didn’t know that little Bobby Smith liked to switch the cards and name tags around.
Instead of dolls and sweaters and a new computer, the kids got the lingerie, strap-on-dildos, and other nasty shit that Mr. and Mrs. Smith got for each other.
The nurses and orderlies quickly resolved that problem.
And had a special Christmas party of their own.

The invention of prayer

To prove how easy it is to get an assault rifle, reporters have been going to gun shops and purchasing AR-15s and ammunition.
The problem is, what do the reporters do with these rifles after they buy them?
Some turn them back in to the gun store for a refund. For others to buy.
Some turn them in to the police, who auction them off.
Some leave the gun in their closet. No child safety lock or gun safe.
So, their kids might come across the gun and… shoot themselves? Shoot others?
More proof how dangerous guns are, of course!

Weekly Challenge #556 – Dark

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is the Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

Myst

MUNSI

The Darkness
By Christopher Munroe

Whatever you do, in this life, the Darkness will always be there, waiting for you. Always.

The band, I mean.

I’m not in any manner of existential crisis at the moment, and while I do live with mild depression I’m in a fairly stable emotional headspace as I write this. I’m just listening to a lot of The Darkness, lately, because I’ve been in a throwback ‘80s metal kind of mood.

So yes, whatever you do, The Darkness will be there, waiting for you.

Because they believe in a thing called love.

Just listen to the rhythm of their hearts….

JEFFREY

Brought to You by Allstate
by Jeffrey Fischer

For a while, I drove home with the sun directly in my eyes. My fault for living west of the Metro station, I know. But I got used to it, and slowly the sun dipped a little lower, a few minutes each day. Finally, I could see again, and so could the crazy home-bound drivers surrounding me.

Then the insane invention known as Daylight Savings Time ended in early November, and, as I left the Metro car that first Monday evening, it was pitch-dark outside. It turns out everyone thinks he can drive well in the dark but no one actually can.

And, in the morning, driving east, the sun is directly in my eyes. Who invented this concept? The insurance industry?

RICHARD

#1 – The Writer (Part 1)

It was a dark and stormy night… The wind rattled the window panes, and the rain hammered against the glass.

Irritably, the writer tore the paper from his typewriter, throwing it onto the growing pile on the floor.

It was shocking that after all these years, the best he could manage was clichéd ramblings and stock prose. He may as well be writing greetings cards, not novels!

In a sudden burst of rage, he kicked out at the pile of wastepaper, scattering sheets everywhere in a flurry of crumpled pages, before storming off to bed.

Maybe sleep would bring inspiration?

#2 – The Writer (Part 2)

It was a dark and stormy night, and strange things were afoot in the writer’s study.

Fluttering papers shifted in unexplained motion, discarded pages moving, as if captured in eddies and gusts, and unseen whispers of wind.

As night marched onwards, the pages fluttered and floated upwards, gravitating towards the writer’s bedroom, to hover above his face.

Imperceptibly at first, then with gathering momentum, ink ran from the paper in thick, dark, drops. Trickling over his face, seeking out his eyes, his mouth, oozing into his ears and nose.

The writer awoke, screaming, as the first light of dawn broke!

#3 – The Writer (Part 3)

The writer sat in the morning sunlight – the dark thoughts of last night, just a faded memory.

Feeling strangely inspired, he began typing – fingers moving of their own volition, as words and ideas poured unbidden onto the pages.

All day, he continued until finally, it was finished. Quite the easiest novel he’d ever written!

Retiring to his bed, he congratulated himself on a job well done.

In the darkness, the words seethed… Who did he think he was taking credit for their work?

Silently, slowly, the dark ink ran, and the pages returned to their pristine blank state.

CHARLIE

He was short, dark, and butt-ugly. His mother had eaten too much candy containing Aspartame when she carried him.

As a mature man, he didn’t spend much on his wardrobe, as he felt it wouldn’t make a lick of difference in the acceptance he would get in the community. He also saved a lot on housing, prophylactics, automobiles, theater tickets, and restaurant dining.

Lenny did invest his money in entrepreneurship, and made a fortune by opening unique and popular businesses in his area.

Soon, as his bank account grew, many realized Lenny’s idiosyncratic looks worthy of attention and their friendship.

WILL

“Study hard, or you won’t get a good job,” threatened his teachers.

“Behave, or you won’t get any Xmas presents,” nagged his mother.

But Sambo didn’t care about an ordinary job. He couldn’t give tuppence about pleasing Santa, Nick, or Father Christmas. Sinterklaas was the one that he aimed to impress.

His plan worked beautifully. Sambo was kidnapped on Christmas Eve, never to be seen again. Now he lives in Northern Scandinavia, works one day a year, and lives it up from January to November with the other naughty boys. With their darkened skin, their own mothers wouldn’t recognize them.

LIZZIE

Passports, check. Boarding time, check. “Here we go!” Flying wasn’t always an easy endeavor but the enthusiasm was big. A small group united in their will to win, as they had so many times in a recent past. They kept their eyes on their future, as they should. Then, a horrifying twist of fate put an end to everything. It put an end to lives… Children lost their fathers, wives lost their husbands. Mothers and fathers, families, friends, had to mourn their loved ones. It was raining. The pages of the passport fluttered in the strong wind amongst the wreckage.

LISA

Snow Globe
It was unexpected. As it always was.
Took us all by surprise. As it always did.
No logic to when.

A darkness that swept us up, followed by almost an upturning although none of us ever fell.

A shake rocked our world.

Frozen in time the snow flurried round us, drifted, stopped the traffic although even the elders could never remember it moving.

Almost as soon as it began the quaking stopped. As if we were on solid ground again. A stability as the snow swirled down rebounding against a solid sky.

Rested over our scene.

And calm was restored.

TOM

Against the Tide

Jack Dark was a most interesting man. A vast intellect and soul of unparalleled depth. The council to the powerful and rich, but at the same time an advocate for those with little or no voice. No less of a man who knew well his short comings and failings. Kept his darker demons at bay and let the angels of better his nature wheeled the flame sword of justice. Quick in action, slow to anger. In a time of darkness he shown like a black light and all who following in his shadow found their way thru this endless night.

JON

Dark Ties

By Jon DeCles

Dark is not the absence of light; it is the absence of usable light. If you are in a tunnel underground, your eyes will find a tiny candle adequate. But someone standing between you and the Sunwill be Dark, invisible to your vision.

In our Dark house all the lighting is wrong. You cannot see your face in a mirror if the light comes from behind. Worse, lights above a mirror, rather than at the sides, shine down and make dark shadows on your face. The place you cannot see to knot your tie is the definition of Dark.

SERENDIPITY

Don’t be afraid of the dark… There’s nothing lurking in the shadows to be fearful about. Neither are there monsters hiding under the bed, waiting to grab your leg as you vault the gap between floor and blanket.

These are all illusions: Creations of an overactive mind, and deprived senses.

They’re not real, and they certainly cannot harm you.

Old Nietzsche had it right – the true darkness lies in the mind; and if you do gaze into that abyss, it will gaze right back at you…

Now, look into my eyes…

And see what really lurks in the dark!

TURA

Dark
———
I got up from my desk and answered the doorbell. “Come in, Janet,” I said. I turned on the hallway light, it being a gloomy midwinter afternoon.

Janet, my research student, had spent the last month visiting European libraries and archives to examine some original documents from the Middle Ages, many never translated.

We discussed what she had found, and she left me a copy of her digital transcriptions and audio notes. It was well into the evening before I saw her out.

I closed the door and turned out the light. For it is always light, where I am.

NORVAL JOE

Though it was dark, simple deduction told them that the five cars ahead of them blocked the highway completely, and they weren’t getting past in that direction.
“Can we turn around and go back?” Ferret asked Mickey without taking her eyes from the blockade.
In answer, the four by four appeared over the rise behind them.
Ferret waited until the the truck bore down on them and then gunned the minivan, spinning a doughnut in the median between lanes of the highway. Less maneuverable than the van, the truck had to jam on the breaks to try to follow them.

PLANET Z

Dr. Odd found abortion to be morally repugnant, so he invented a new form of birth control.
He called it The Dark. It moved the fetus to the dark space between space and time, an endless timeless nothing.
It was perfectly safe for the mother and the fetus. And it was completely reversible, where a fetus could be moved back from The Dark to the mother.
People asked him what happened if the fetus were never retrieved.
“Nothing,” he said. It simply doesn’t exist.
Unless he accidentally pulled it back out while trying to retrieve his Winter wardrobe from storage.

Reindeer to my heart

Santa’s been around for centuries, but his annual flight around the world is so exhausting, the reindeer only last for one trip.
Most of them die soon after they land back at the North Pole Workshop. Those that survive aren’t in any shape to fly again.
So, Santa and the elves celebrate their success with a venison feast.
The next day, they look through the breeding program to determine the best candidates for sleigh duty, and they train them.
Eight reindeer make the cut, and after a few dry runs, Santa’s ready.
He cracks his whip, and they are off!

Headless Sleighman

Every year, the Headless Horseman rides into town.
He dismounts, ties his horse to the bike racks, and walks into the mall.
Advancing slowly on the crowd, people run, screaming.
And then, without hesitation, he sits in Santa’s lap.
“Ohhhh!” groans the mall Santa. “You’re a big boy!”
The Horseman points to the vacant spot over his neck.
“Oh, you want your head?” asks Santa.
And he looks in his massive bag of gifts.
Toy train sets.
Teddy bears.
Baseball gloves.
Skateboards.
But no heads.
“Sorry,” says Santa.
The Horseman shrugs, leaves the mall, mounts his horse, and rides away.

Santa Flies Coach

Why does Santa fly around the world in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer?
Well, try to imagine Santa using commercial flights.
It would be really expensive to fly around the world that way.
Also, he’s horribly fat, so he’d have to buy two tickets instead of one.
And he’d have to pry off his boots at every airport, and take off his giant metal belt buckle.
God forbid someone would try to strip-search the old bastard.
Or run that sack full of toys through the x-ray machine.
If he checked it, the TSA would steal every single goddamned toy.

The Messiah Is Coming

One day, the words THE MESSIAH IS COMING appeared in the sky above Mercer, Pennsylvania.
At first, people thought it was some kind of prank, but when the letters didn’t dissipate like skywriting usually does, everyone freaked out.
A lot.
Helicopters and planes went up to investigate. And they didn’t come back down.
Churches filled up.
News crews arrived.
All kinds of mass hysteria.
A curfew was declared.
The next morning, the words weren’t there.
Someone sent a drone up, but it didn’t see anything. Not even the missing planes or helicopters.
Mercer got back to normal, whatever that means.

Coal for everyone

One year, Santa didn’t give a fuck.
He gave everyone coal.
Some say the coal industry did it as some kind of weird sponsorship deal.
Like the year when Santa gave out Silly Putty to everyone.
Or the year before that, which was sponsored by Reynolds Wrap.
Silly Putty is fun, but why the fuck do kids need Reynolds Wrap?
“They were the highest bidder,” said Santa.
What a whore.
Next year, who knows? Raw chicken?
You think the coal is fun?
Fine. You can keep it. Play your brains out.
Just try not to get coal dust everyone, kid.