Author: R.

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Tom
• Lizzie
• Munsi
• Jeffrey
• Richard
• Charlie
• Serendipity
• Zackmann
• Anima
• John Musico
• Norval Joe
• Tura Brezoianu
• Planet Z

TOM

Predicting the Near Future

I am a devotee of Faith Popcorn the muse of the future perfect. I am the future. I embrace the deeper currents in Vox populi. It’s a level above seeing around corners. You see around corner that haven’t been built yet. Not an easy job letting your feet lower into the void counting on the bridge being completed as you arrive. When you Fire, Ready, Aim the world isn’t just malleable it’s damn Quantum. I’m seeing musical theater as the next Zeitgeist. To that end I am embarking on a visionary production. A music version of the move SAW.

LIZZIE

The Saw House

The “event” was that day of the year when the black house demanded feeding. They tried small animals and big animals; these always came back unharmed. As revenge, the house would draw people in. They would simply disappear, only to be spit out in pieces throughout the next days. The town learned. They started with the “As”, moving on to the “Bs” the following year. It was terrifying for everyone; for everyone except for 101010010. His parents wanted to choose a name starting with an “R”. They couldn’t figure out which, so… He was extremely fond of his robot name.

MUNSI

Saw

By Christopher Munroe

I’d rather cut my own foot off than watch the movie Saw.

I’d crawl through broken glass, have my body torn in two by elaborate spring-loaded apparatus, wake up chained to the wall and helplessly watch time tick away as everyone I’ve ever loved is killed to avoid it.

I don’t want to watch that movie, is what I’m saying.

I hate it.

It’s the worst movie I ever “Saw.”

See what I did there? Do you get it?

It’s important to me that you get it.

But seriously, fuck that film.

Ah well.

At least it’s not fake found-footage…

JEFFREY

Magic Trick
by Jeffrey Fischer

“For my final feat, I shall saw this lady in half!” cried the magician. Rural audiences were fickle, but the “cut the lady in two” trick always brought down the house.

The trick went as planned, the magician’s assistant appeared to be divided, but the audience was oddly quiet. Finally, one old codger stood and shouted, “You didn’t saw the lady – that’s wrong!”

A second stood and agreed. “You *seen* the lady. Get it right, Mr. Magician.”

The first turned to the second. “Naw, that ain’t right, neither. He *done seen* the lady.” As they squabbled, the magician resolved never again to take a gig with a local chapter of the Pedants Club.

The Scientific Method
by Jeffrey Fischer

I’d heard the old saw that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, so I suggested testing the proposition for my seventh grade science project. I placed a bowl of honey in one room of the house, placed a bowl of vinegar in another room, opened all the doors to the outside, and waited to see what would happen.

Every hour I would visit both rooms and carefully note the number of flies in each. In the first hour, I found two in each. Hour two: still two for vinegar, 27 for honey. Hour three: eight for vinegar, though I suspected several wandered from the honey room, 294 for honey, plus or minus a dozen on account of my forgetting my counting a couple of times. Hour four: maybe 15 in the vinegar room, thousands upon countless thousands in the honey room, and a painful spanking for me from my dad when he came home from work to a house full of flies.

CHARLIE

I saw what I wanted to see, and when I wanted to see it. When ready, I chose to open the visor and view what was before me. I could hear ambient sounds, filtered to an extent, and with focused receivers. I could navigate my environment using the sound alone. Last Saturday, there was a ruckus outside my front door. Some folks were arguing, swearing, and shaking their fists. I watched for two seconds, then closed the visor. I shut off the sound, turned on the display, and watched a cartoon, while people raged outside my door for two hours.

Second

My favorite old saw, one Jack Douglas coined, is to never trust a naked bus driver. I always volunteer this when anyone asks me for advice, regarding me as an “adult”, and a potential reservoir of wisdom. If you have any favorite old maxims, please post them here, or Tweet them. Folks will fall for anything, as attested to by the grunts and drivel of Hollywood flimflam artists, politicians, and people from England with lots of initials after their name. Another old saw is the worm drive, side-winder I have in the shop. I built a cedar shed with it.

SERENDIPITY

The old saw mill was perfect – abandoned, forgotten and away from prying eyes.

Although it did present some difficulties – I’m no expert, and it’s taken me a while to get everything running again. I hope you appreciate the effort I’ve made: It’s taken over a month just to sharpen the big circular saw… you wouldn’t want it blunt, would you?

You won’t feel a thing – I’ve thought of that too. Plenty of local anaesthetic, and you won’t even know when I remove your limbs.

There won’t be any pain. But, afterwards, you may feel a little sore!

ZACKMANN

“I saw you sister this morning and I think she might be irritated with me.” zack informed his wife.

“Why?”

“Well she came over for Miter Box I borrowed then I gave your niece cookies for breakfast.”

“Do you mean Cookie Crisp?”

“No, because the cereal vampyers drank the milk. Also because your sister is doing that whole natural foods thing and doesn’t want her daughter eating anything she can not pronounce. She could say oatmeal, flour, sugar, and eggs. I would have liked to have made her some hot oatmeal but it turns out she couldn’t say Dihydrogen Monoxide”

“I am sure I have cereal vampyres. What else would explain the disappearance of my milk right from my cereal bowl? Twice this week. I thought it might be the cat but it also happened when I used almond milk. I considered trying quinoa milk but remembered how it tastes with cereal then I feared that the vampyres wouldn’t show up that day. I told my wife I installed the mirror in the dining room to make the room look bigger. The cereal vampyers will think I can’t see the kitchen but I’ll be watching for them in the mirror.

ANIMA

THE ALCHEMIST

Robert hated his job as an alchemist. All the bitter failures. So what, if diet cola (with it’s new, better tasting formula) was not the elixir of life. Nothing ventured, nothing gained…

Last week Rob’s niece was visiting, and wouldn’t stop singing “Make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver, the other gold.” Hmmmm, Maybe it wasn’t base metals that should be turned to gold, but base people!

Tonight, his eyes glittered expectantly in the neon lights of the Dew Drop Inn. Rob pondered the old and new friends he was going to make… and designed new experiments…

JOHN MUSICO

# 100: I Saw the Golden Monkey

John plodded along on his old typewriter.
By far, the most challenging format for writers is the short story and of those; the “Drabble”; exactly 100 words.
Achieve that, and be the recipient of the prized Golden Monkey award. Deadline pressures stymied him at times into writer’s cramp only worsening the needed mindset to be creative. The weeks and months floated by, the image of the revered Monkey kept him going.
He had lost count so, one by one, he counted up his fruits of labor. Could it be? Yes, this is number one hundred- the Monkey was finally his.

NORVAL JOE

Rocky the squirrel saw it happen.
Natasha lured Bullwinkle out with a donut and Boris blew him up with a round, black bomb.
Social media judged the incident as reprehensible and flooded Yelp with one star reviews of the Russian Consulate. They plastered posters on the consulate’s gate that said, “Send them to Siberia” and “Die in the Salt Mines”.
Their vigilante cries for mob justice fell on deaf ears.
Boris said, “He was just moose and I am diplomat.”
The Russian couple mounted Bullwinkle’s head in their trophy room next to a small empty plaque that said, “Flying Squirrel”.

TURA

I saw the Devil
———
I went out to the woods one night
No goblins or bogeys can me affright
I looked for my cronies by the big oak tree
Then I saw the Devil and the Devil saw me.

“Yer mates have fled to their own front door”
says the Devil, “they’ll never have sleep no more”
So I spits in his eye and I says to he,
“You can scare off my mates but you won’t scare me.”

He showed me the tortures of hell fire to come
But I just laughed and the Devil was dumb
For the Devil looked within me and saw worse than he
When I saw the Devil and the Devil saw me.

PLANET Z

The prosecution’s case rested on a single eyewitness.
However, the defendant arranged to have a hit put out on that witness.
The witness survived, but they were blinded.
So, yes, the prosecution opened up with “Tell the court what you saw.” and everyone on the jury winced.
When the defense attorney began with “Is the prosecution seriously asking us to believe the eyewitness testimony of a blind person” the witness asked for them to speak a little louder.
“Why?” said the attorney. “You’re not deaf, too, are you?”
“It’ll help me aim,” they said.
And they shot the defense attorney.

Music: http://www.bensound.com/royalty-free-music

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

We’ve got stories by:

• Tom
• John Musico
• Lizzie
• Munsi
• Jeffrey
• Richard
• Charlie
• Tura Brezoianu
• Serendipity
• Jerry
• Zackmann
• Bonchance
• Anima
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

TOM

Waits for No Man

When I Was young time moved ever so slow. Days piled on days. Seasons heaped on seasons. Hours creep at a maddening pace.

When I was in my prime time move were so swift. Days piled on days. Seasons heaped on seasons. Hour flew by at a maddening pace.

When I was old time moved ever so blurry. Days, Seasons what did it matter? Hours lost to the future, hour clutched from the past. All madness.

When I am gone time will go on just fine without me. Seasons will come, seasons will go. Days will linger, day will go.

JOHN MUSICO

When to die

When trees sway in the breeze,
that’s when I’m at ease.
When a leaf floats along a gentle stream,
that’s when life’s a dream.
When a bird hovers motionless in the sky,
that’s when I know I’ll get by.
When a quiet fog drapes the countryside,
that’s when I can bide.
When the stars wink like Christmas lights,
that’s when ends the fight.
When the moon is full on clear nights,
that’s when I’m alright.
When dawn’s first sunshine peer from the horizon,
that’s when naught’s surprisin.
When clouds drift slowly across the sky,
that’s when I now shall die…

LIZZIE

When the dancer moved her body sensuously, the crowd gasped. They were mesmerized by her beauty. She roamed the stage in slow motion circles, her arms contouring her breast and hips. Suddenly, out of nowhere, she had a small snake in her hand. The snake slid around her arm up to her neck. There was an odd look on the snake’s eyes, but then again, snakes always look odd. As the snake slowly wrapped around the dancer’s neck, no one did anything. By the time the police arrived, the snake was long gone. They found it later during the autopsy.

MUNSI

Trust

By Christopher Munroe

Never ask when, merely trust.

Trust that, when the time is right, the universe will provide you with all you need.

The universe, after all, is infinite, and as such so is its wisdom, so is its compassion. It takes care of its own and we are all its own, all part of a glorious whole, tiny cogs in an unfathomably huge machine of incomprehensibly profound beauty.

Simply be. Be part of that. And trust it.

Trust too that, when the time is right, I will give you my share of the rent.

No?

Fine, I’ll have it by Monday….

JEFFREY

First Draft of History
by Jeffrey Fischer

Thomas Jefferson had writer’s block. His draft of the Declaration of Independence was already late, and he was having trouble starting. He even told himself that it was okay to have a lousy first draft – first drafts were supposed to be bad.

“Dear King George, it’s not you, it’s us.” Nope, not quite the gravitas Adams was looking for. “Your Majesty, this is a breakup letter.” Blast! Well, time for a drink at the tavern, he thought. I’ll just go with my placeholder and see if the guys in Philadelphia can come up with something better: “When in the course of human events…”

The Agreement
by Jeffrey Fischer

Negotiations for the agreement with Iran weren’t going well. John Kerry had pulled out all the stops, to no avail. He even had James Taylor warbling “You’ve Got a Friend” to the Iranians, but they wouldn’t budge, possibly because no one could understand the old hippie. “What do we need to do to get this agreement done?” Kerry asked one evening after a long day of pretending to negotiate.

The reply was quick: “End sanctions now, give us our money back, and forget about inspecting any nuclear facilities.”

Kerry thought for only a moment. “Done. When I sell out my country, it stays sold.”

RICHARD

Say when

“Say when”, she said, topping up my glass.

Oddly, it was the very same question I’d been pondering in my mind all evening…

“When?”

How long had we been together now? Five years, today – hence our celebratory meal.

We’d skirted around the subject of marriage a few times; we both needed more time, and it had to feel just right. Although we both knew it was inevitable.

I watched her over my wine glass, radiant and wearing that quirky smile I’d first fallen in love with.

There would never be a better time…

“Sweetheart”, I whispered, “I’m leaving you.”

CHARLIE

When the dust settled, what remained of the dental office were dental picks, some scorched records, and a stuffed Cocker Spaniel. The Spaniel was a trophy taken by the doctor when he was in grammar school. The neighbor’s dog, coaxed out of the yard and into the brush was clubbed with his dad’s 4 iron and left on the street. Traveling to Africa and Eastern Europe to bow hunt rare game, he was able to achieve an erection for a month following a big kill, otherwise his member flagged and doctor dribbledick was a flacid personality with a corresponding instrument.

Two

When it comes to quantifying idiotic mouth dumps, Ted NoGent might be king. He wants to stick his machine gun in Obama’s mouth, and pronounces: “Vegetarians are cool. All I eat are vegetarians – except for the occasional mountain lion steak.” Nogent is a “super man”. I think he is a bag of dead, watery sperm. Kid Rock has had to push him away from him more than once when Nogent insisted on some oily coupling and roadies have been awakened on the tour bus by NoGent leaning over them, dressed in women’s panties and bra, insisting on man-spooning them.

Three

When pigs fly, I won’t be pouncing on stupid and insensitive people. When pigs fly, I’ll be some cloud of brown dust or a few clots of mud settling into the bottom of the Pacific. I’ve got a lot of opinions and harbor way too many ill feelings about my fellow man. Most of my wrath is aimed at pipsqueaks in the media and show business. I can carry a grudge for decades. I often rely on my heritage to conjure up some devastating curses to subtly rain doom and bad luck on my enemies and those that cross me.

TURA

When
———
Oh will you be my wife, my love
Oh will you be my wife?

Build me a castle fit for a queen
Oh then I’ll be your wife.

Here is a castle fit for a queen
Oh will you be my wife?

With a garden as far as the eye can see
Oh then I’ll be your wife.

Here’s the finest garden in all the land
With arbours and fountains on every hand
Oh will you be my wife?

When the sun goes out and the stars grow cold
And moths have eaten all your gold
Oh then I’ll be your wife.
———

When the aliens came
———
“I was hiking out here when I saw it. It came up behind that hill and stopped overhead. Regular flying saucer. Not exactly hovering, more like it’s nailed to the sky.

“Then another hiker arrives, coming the other way. Funny thing is, he says it came up from this side of the hill. Now there’s a puzzle. We get to the nearest town, and it turns out there’s thousands of them, all over the world.

“A day later, they go, just like that.

“So what’s that all about? Aliens show up, and they don’t even leave us a decent story?”
———

SERENDIPITY

I’ve been watching you… Very, very closely, for a long, long time.

I know all your routines and schedules, all your appointments and plans – every minute of every day.

I could be anywhere, waiting for you – behind that wall, around the next corner, waiting for you when you leave the gym or when you park your car in the morning at work.

So, be careful: keep looking over your shoulder, always be on your guard, and never doubt that I am near, no matter where you may be.

Just waiting for the perfect moment.

The question is… When?

JERRY

Spike
——————
I looked for Spike in the yard and did not find him.
I looked for Spike in the street and he was not there.

I ran to Dick’s house.
I ran into the yard. Past the swing hanging from the tree
but Spike was, according to Dick, not anywhere to be seen.

I ran to Jane’s house,
past the white picket fence
and through the gate.

Jane shook her head and turned away.

Even little Sally could tell me nothing.

All Puff did was rub against my leg and look up at me.

Maybe I should have named him Spot.

———–
When
———–
When you’re alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go downtown….

I was sitting in front of the TV alone
thinking how lonely I was.

Then I remembered Petula Clarks advice.

I jumped on my bicycle
and rolled ‘downtown’.

What a mistake.

A mile down the road it started to thunder and lighting,
And then the rain started to come down.
Not just a light spring rain but a Bombay torrential downpour.

I raced home.
By the time I pulled into the driveway
not only was I alone and feeling lonely
I was soaked to the bone.
———————
Kid
———————-
Everyone knew the kid was a champ.

He believed them.

Living in the city had made him what he was.

Big, mean, bullet headed.
Neck like an ox.
Shoulders like a six-by-six.
Biceps so big that he could not wear a store-bought shirts.

Tattoos down each arm to his finger tips with ‘Your’ on the knuckles of one hand and ‘Next’ on the other.

He was only 5 foot 10 but he moved like a mountain gorilla.

Then he met Wanda.

Wanda took him down without a word.

Just a gleam in her eye.

The kid was never the same.
—

ZACKMANN

When I go to the library I like to talk to the librarians and check out audiobooks on CD.

Drew likes to sit and read comic books. He doesn’t check them out because he hates to give back any comic book that makes it into the house.

Connie likes to check out novels, mainly Young Adult books or super sultry romances.

When I go with Kevin, oh wait I don’t go with Kevin, Anymore. He’s loud and disruptive also just like when he goes to hotel room parties, he doesn’t realize it is time to leave until the police come.

BONCHANCE

When young, he would concentrate on just one thing and everything else wouldn’t exist. It was said he would just “space out” sometimes. He snapped out of his reverie, someone was shouting. Ya gonna say when?? He looked at the full flagon then at the young man and said, “When”.
Simon stopped pouring the alcohol saying, “about bloody time”!

Glog downed the drink then stood up letting out one long belch of flame and walked out. An old man standing next to Simon shook his head and said son, you should know better than to waste perfectly good drink on a demon!

ANIMA

Charlie

Charlie’s a good old boy, semiretired, who has a habit of walking his dog to the bodega to buy beer and lottery tickets.

His wife harangues him constantly, for drinking too much, and wasting money on Powerball.

But Charlie liked playing the odds. By consistently playing the numbers for the last 35 years, he knew one day he’d win big, and you can’t win if you don’t play.

Last night, when he saw the numbers lining up on the screen, he knew it was time to call his buddy Vito to make a quick escape.

Bye Charlie! Drink in Peace!

NORVAL JOE

“You detect a presence?” Bufford asked the boy in the purple robe. “Of what?”
“Spirits,” Kid Gnocchi said, pulling a pendulum from one of his deep pockets which immidiately began spinning in a counter clockwise direction. The old woman poured dark green powder in the shape of a pentagram on the floor.
“There’s no such thing,” Bufford scoffed. “It’s dark energy.”
When the old woman finished her pattern, she said, “There’s no such thing as dark energy.”
“I will make the spirits visible,” Gnocci said raising his hands. “By the power of powdered kale chips, I command you to appear.”

PLANET Z

North Korea created its own time zone.
They didn’t want to share a time zone with Japan anymore.
However, South Korea still uses the same time zone as Japan.
So, when South and North Koreans work together in the industrial zone run by the two countries, they have no idea what time it is.
They work in a land outside of time.
Not in the past, present, and future.
Everything is in the NOW.
Which explains why everything they build there is total worthless crap.
I wouldn’t give it the time of day.
I’ll stick to worthless Chinese crap, thank you.