Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He looked for reassurance among his crewmates, but they would rag on him and make him feel worse.
So, he turned to the Internet, and found it hard to connect with other pirates.
Tha’st when he developed his own app: Shiver Me Tinders.
All day long, pirates flicked through the profiles of other pirates and swiped left or right to vote on them.
Then, some hackers raided the user database and stole credit card numbers and passwords.
George was forced to issue refunds, apologies, and to walk the plank.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When Elon Musk uploaded George’s consciousness to the Singularity, he became the virtual representation of a pirate.
Elon hadn’t bothered to render anything else, so the digital version of George floated around an empty landscape.
“Hello!” shouted George. “Is this Heaven?”
There was no response.
After a while, he became bored, and then went stark raving mad.
He slashed himself with his sword, but he was unable to cause himself injury.
George screamed for an end to his torment.
Elon turned down the volume and went out for coffee.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every time he managed to do something right, he yelled “WHO WANTS A HUG?”
Nobody wanted a hug from George.
The last guy who got a hug from George, George forgot that he had a dagger in his hand, and he stabbed the guy in the back.
George realized that nobody wanted a hug, so he stopped offering them.
Instead, he would yell “YO, FIST BUMP, BRO!”
And, once again, he forgot to take the dagger out of his hand.
At least he paid for Lefty’s new steel hook.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He remembered in the cartoons when Charlie would try to kick the football and Lucy would pull the football away at the last minute.
So, he pondered a way to do this with pirates.
“What if I make someone walk the plank, but just as they’re about to walk the plank, I pull it away and they end up falling in the shark-infested water?” said George.
“Then they’re still in the shark-infested water anyway,” said the captain, walking away.
George went back to his bunk and sulked for days.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to go to the movies, but he hated when he had to go to the bathroom in the middle of a film.
So, he’d try to go before the movie, but those Cokes always went through him quickly and he’d have to get up and go anyway.
He’d try to get through the movie without a Coke, but he’d get thirsty, and get up to buy one.
And then he’d have to go to the bathroom soon after.
George gave up, and watched movies on home video.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was really good at carnival midway games, though.
Instead of practicing with his sword and flintlock pistol, he’d stack up milk bottles and knock them down with a baseball.
Or he’d set up a ring toss game. Or that squirt gun with the clown heads and balloons thing, whatever the hell that was.
When he went to the carnival, he always came back with a huge bag full of stuffed animals.
They weren’t as valuable as buried treasure or hostages, but try giving your date a struggling hostage.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After several close calls, he gave up piracy and took a job aboard a cargo ship on the Atlantic.
They carried Italian workers to America, and their mail home on the return trip.
George looked through the envelopes.
He couldn’t read Italian, but the money that the workers sent home, well, what’s one less dollar?
When the Postal Service investigated, he’d pocket everything and sink the ship.
Bad weather, they called it.
Then he’d join another cargo ship under a new name.
“Welcome aboard, Jorge!”
“Thank you,” said George.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When his ship exploded, George clung to the figurehead and washed ashore on an island.
He built a raft, and gathered up dead crewmates’ corpses to use for buoyancy.
The tide pulled him out to sea, he caught seagulls to eat.
For days, he floated, dehydrated and starving.
The experience drove him mad.
When George made it back to Port Royal, he went berserk and killed some people before feeling back to the ocean.
The Navy caught him, and his defense was getting the idea from some comic book.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
They say the worst and bloodiest of the pirates were possessed by The Devil himself.
George, being not very good, and only bloody when he tripped and skinned his knees, was likely possessed by some minor spirit or supernatural presence.
I suspect it was a part-time accountant for a small family business.
One that was replaced easily by Quickbooks, and still somewhat sore about it.
Unlike that kid who levitated her bed and vomited green pea soup, George had a slight facial tic.
Nothing really worthy of an exorcism.