George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship was overtaken by other pirates, George pretended to be a stowaway.
“Hi, I’m Jim,” said George, waving a piece of paper. “Have you got a lemon to reveal the secret ink on this treasure map?”
A one-legged pirate on a crutch hobbled over to George and snatched away the map.
“Aye, me hearties!” he shouted. “Fetch me a lemon!”
While the pirates searched for a lemon, George jumped in the lifeboat and escaped.
“It’s just a blank piece of paper,” he chuckled, and he rowed away.
George and the birds
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d sit on the beach, watching the shorebirds dig for grubs, running along the waves as the tide came in.
George skipped stones on the water, two or three skips before they’d plunk and vanish.
The birds were hesitant at first, but eventually, they got used to George skipping stones near them.
Then, George pegged a bird in the head, killing it. And other.
Plucked and roasted over a campfire, they kept him going for three days before the ship rescued him.
He swore he’d never fall overboard again.
George the Alchemist
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d heard about alchemists who spent their lives trying conduct bizarre rituals and experiments in the quest to transform various substances into Gold.
Some had managed to convince kings and queens to grant them funding and offices for their research.
George apprenticed himself to an alchemist, and after a few months, he learned the man’s secret:
Alchemy was a fraud. Just a way to make a living off of arrogant and greedy royalty.
“So be piracy, matey,” said George, drawing his cutlass. “I be taking ye grant money now.”
George gives a presentation
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, even with his lack of skill, he had plenty of experience on the high seas.
So he was always tapped to give a presentation at the annual global pirate conference.
George made a point to take the batteries out of his wireless microphone so nobody in the audience could hear.
He didn’t want to risk waking any of them up.
They’d all partied pretty hard the night before and were sleeping off their hangovers.
“Great presentation,” said the pirates afterwards.
“Thank you,” said George. “Back to the tavern?”
Weekly Challenge #993 – Star Wars
- Lisa
- Richard
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
NORVAL JOE
Billbert felt like Luke Skywalker saving Leia from Jabba the Hutt. He wiped his hands on his pants legs, held them out, and said, “Let’ go.”
“I can’t.” Mandi turned away and Billbert followed, floating into the room.
“Why not?” he asked, touching down on the bedroom carpet.
She turned back to him, her eyes filled with anguish. “John says he’ll kill me and my mother, like he killed my father.”
Billbert gasped. “Your father’s dead?”
“No,” Mandi said. “He’s in the hospital.”
“Then…” Billbert began to ask.
Mandi blinked back tears. “John admitted he has been poisoning my father.”
TOM
It’s not common knowledge, but the stars are at war.
However, it all happens very, very slowly, so you’re hardly likely to notice, but trust me, it’s happening.
Those meteors you see in the night sky… interstellar ballistic missiles. And comets? Galactic cluster bombs. And those aren’t asteroid belts scattered through space, but gigantic minefields.
We’ve mostly nothing to worry about, because we’re not stars, are we?
Nevertheless, in any war, mistakes can be made. Missiles can go off course, and there is always collateral damage.
And when it happens, forget slowly.
It’ll all be over very, very quickly indeed!
SERENDIPIDY
It’s not common knowledge, but the stars are at war.
However, it all happens very, very slowly, so you’re hardly likely to notice, but trust me, it’s happening.
Those meteors you see in the night sky… interstellar ballistic missiles. And comets? Galactic cluster bombs. And those aren’t asteroid belts scattered through space, but gigantic minefields.
We’ve mostly nothing to worry about, because we’re not stars, are we?
Nevertheless, in any war, mistakes can be made. Missiles can go off course, and there is always collateral damage.
And when it happens, forget slowly.
It’ll all be over very, very quickly indeed!
RICHARD
— Star Wars —
Never really understood all the fuss about Star Wars.
I read the book before I saw the movie, and even then I watched it on TV. I vaguely recall the second one, and all I can remember about the third one: teddy bears, zipping through the forest on skateboards… something like that, anyway.
I’ve not seen any of the prequels, sequels or spin offs, and I’ve no interest in any of the nonsense around what order you’re supposed to watch them, not that I’m ever going to.
But, I’ll admit the cantina band was awesome.
And Princess Leia? Hot stuff!
LISA
Star Wars
I think most people remember their first cinema trip. I went with Nan to see Star Wars. It wasn’t the film that was memorable though. There’d been a spate of attacks and women had been advised to not go out at night. Nan was having none of that – she went out more than ever before.
Good on her you’d think; why should she live in fear. But Nan went out with a knife. A big sharp carving knife that wouldn’t even fit in her handbag. She’d brandished it as she walked and got arrested after the film outside the cinema.
PLANET Z
Back when Star Wars came out, kids would brag about how many times they saw it.
Five, ten, fifteen.
Stacy said she lost count.
Her family ran the drive-through over the county line, where you could sell beer.
It used to be a farm out there, but they’d show old movies on a bedsheet on Friday nights in the summer and it grew from there.
They built the drive-in, then the liquor store and a nice house from all the money coming in.
Their old trailer became a grow house, and we’d smoke weed while watching the original trilogy.
George bops people
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He liked to bop people with anchors. He thought it was amusing.
The people whom George bopped with the anchors didn’t.
When they came to, that is. Quite a few didn’t, because getting bopped with an anchor tends to stave in skulls.
That’s somewhat deadly.
Then, their next-of-kin didn’t think it all that amusing, with the hassle of planning funerals and all that.
Unless, of course, they inherited a share of treasure from their recently-bopped relative.
Then, I’m sure the gold and silver helped then get over their grief.
George gets into a wreck
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was heading out of the harbor when a family in an old junk struck his ship.
George’s ship was fine, for the most part, but the old junk was badly damaged.
George felt bad that the man’s junk was damaged, but it was the junk that struck his ship, not the other way around.
Still, out of sympathy, he offered them a ride back to port.
The next day, the family’s lawyer came aboard to threaten George with a lawsuit.
Without sympathy, George made him walk the plank.
George on Columbus Day
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was constantly roped into an endless series of sidetracks and distractions.
Such as the time when he found himself joining a fleet of three Spanish ships heading Westward to India.
“Okay, Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria,” he said. “Now, which one’s the Pinta? I keep confusing it with the Santa Maria.”
The fleet never made it to India. They ended up wandering around the Caribbean, torturing and enslaving a bunch of natives.
George found it all rather brutish and uncivilized, and he went back to being a honest pirate.
George staff meetings
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Every morning, the captain held an all-hands-on-deck staff meeting.
He’d go over important things and ask for input.
But every time a pirate suggested anything, the captain shot that pirate down.
Literally. The captain drew his flintlock pistol and shot the pirate, and they fell down dead.
One pirate raised his hand. “Might I suggest that you stop shooting us when we talk?” he said.
“That’s an interesting thought,” said the captain. “Let me think about it while I reload.”
The captain finished reloading, and shot that pirate, too.
George and Zorro
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He made a point of stealing only from the wealthy, and then he’d give away all that he’d stolen to the poor.
George got a patronizing letter from Zorro that fully supported his generous nature.
“Let me know if you ever raid the seacoasts of Mexico,” wrote Zorro. “We’ll have a drink.”
George made a point to frequently steal supplies from warehouses owned by Diego de la Vega, Zorro’s real identity.
George then gave the supplies to the poor, stealing credit from Zorro.
“You’re a real dick,” wrote Zorro.