George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had allergies and other medical issues which made him barely fit for duty.
George tried to see his doctor about these problems, but being a pirate, he was always on the move, and it was hard to see his own doctor, let alone find a local doctor in his health network.
The rare times he’d get to see a doctor, his medical records would be delayed, and he’d have to start all over again.
And don’t get George started about picking up his prescriptions or getting them refilled.
George and his hat
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He got seasick at the drop of a hat.
And George dropped his hat a lot.
Sometimes, he threw up in his hat.
So, when nobody was looking, he’d try to swap his hat for someone else’s.
Pirates took to writing their names in their hats.
Although most didn’t know how to write or read, so they’d put an X in their hat.
George knew how to write and read, so he’d say “Oh, that X stands for George.”
And he’d take their hat.
And throw up in it.
George helps
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tried his best, though.
When the other pirates needed help, he was the first to lend a hand.
But when George needed help, none of the others would lift a finger to help him.
Okay, so they may have lifted a finger, but not to help him.
In time, George got sullen. And bitter.
A new pirate showed up on the ship, and he asked George for help with something.
“Go fuck yourself,” said George, going back to his nap.
The captain shrugged. George was fitting in perfectly.
Weekly Challenge #960 – Icing on the cake
DOM
The Game
I was sweating. Already tired after playing for over eighty minutes. It wasn’t helping that the coach and my teammates kept screaming insults at me. What about my self-esteem? Idiots. True, I had missed three chances. I had managed to put one in. Pure luck. But it’s why I was still on. Playing. Finally! There was the ball I was waiting for. Gerald had drilled a powerful cross, I escaped my marker and jumped. I saw the keeper react, so I aimed low to the left. Goal! Winning is fantastic. But beating your rival? It’s icing on the cake.
NORVAL JOE
The icing on the cake came the next morning when Billbert’s mother woke them up. He heard his mother’s voice and realized she stood at his feet with a perfect view of Sabrina and him. Sabrina lay almost on top of him, face down, her chin tucked over his right shoulder, her arm and chest across his and her right knee between his thighs.
Billbert cleared his throat, rousing Sabrina. “She couldn’t sleep and wanted to hold my hand.”
Humorless, his mother said, “Right. I think we need to go to her place and pick up some of her clothes.”
SERENDIPIDY
They found me under a table, surrounded by crumbled fruit cake, greedily stuffing what remained of the icing on the cake into my mouth.
It was the only bit I liked – marzipan and icing – the cake itself was gross.
My stepmother was horrified. I’d destroyed the wedding cake, and ruined the happiest day of her life.
I didn’t care. I hated her, hated weddings and hated the stupid dress she’d made me wear.
But, I loved icing. Although, it really didn’t like me.
As the bride found out shortly after, when I vomited it back out, all over her dress!
TOM
much nuts and blots execution. The size of the event or the location did not matter. When L. X. Marthers contacted Bruce to plan his daughter’s 16th birthday party, he had only one request: Over the top. At first Bruce turned the gig down. That was until Mama Marthers whispered in his ear. He said, “That would be doable and that would truly be the icing on the cake metaphorically speaking. Taylor Swift bursting out of cake. Jaw dropping moment.
RICHARD
Happy Birthday!
Pastry chef… Don’t be fooled by the title, more like a second rate cook. But that’s what they called the dozen of us on the production line, turning out hundreds of cakes a day for the mass market.
I hated the job, more than that, I hated my boss. A mean guy who cared nothing for his staff.
Then one day, I was told to make an extra special cake for the boss’ birthday, ‘and don’t you dare screw it up!’
I made it extra special, all right.
With my own special ‘icing’ on the cake.
Know what I mean?
LIZZIE
I bought a ticket. It didn’t matter where to. I got on the train and closed my eyes. Things would get better. There was a commotion on the platform. Voices shouting, people rushing. When they called out my name, I sank in my seat. But why would I hide? I was a grown woman. I could go anywhere I wanted. Are you this person? Yes. Come with us. Why? And then I knew. She had called the cops on me. My daughter is missing… Oh, I’m so worried. Yes, she wanted me back. The icing on her sadistic little cake.
PLANET Z
At the beginning of the school year, Mr. Craig would challenge students to raise money for an end-of-year school trip to somewhere fun.
The class would hold bake sales and car washes, handing Mr. Craig the proceeds.
At the end of the year, Mr. Craig would say the class fell short of their goal, and would pocket the money.
This went on for years, until one class warned the next class about Mr. Craig.
During one of the car washes, Mr. Craig drove up and handed over his keys.
The kids covered the car with shaving cream, inside and out.
George the Karen
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain assigned another pirate to sanity check everything that George did.
“Isn’t that term offensive?” said George. “It’s demeaning to the mentally ill.”
The other pirates laughed at George’s oversensitivity, until September 19th came around.
Port Royal was full of drunk cruise ship passengers on a day trip, shouting YAR! and SHIVER ME TIMBERS! and wearing eyepatches and waving plastic cutlasses around.
“We’re nothing like that!” said the crew. “That’s so offensive!”
They robbed the landlubbers, and went off and got drunk, and they waved their cutlasses around.
The Little George, Again
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Somehow, he’d managed to wreck his ship on a far-distant asteroid.
It was a small asteroid, with three tiny volcanoes and a pretty red flower.
A little boy was attacking a seedling with a hoe.
“If I don’t kill the baobabs early enough, they’ll take root and destroy my home,” he said.
George tied up the boy “You must be someone’s child, and they’ll pay ransom.”
George chopped a baobab down for wood to repair his ship.
He sailed off as the remaining baobabs burst the asteroid apart.
The Little George and The Snake
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
After three days stranded in the desert with no food or water, he was hallucinating pretty badly.
“All I need is a rope to pull my ship back to the water,” babbled George, stumbling over the sand.
George came across what he thought was a rope, but it turned out to be a snake.
“Good evening,” said the snake.
Whether it was the rope being a snake or the snake talking, it didn’t matter.
Startled, George beat the snake with a rock, ate it, and continued on his journey.
George the caterer
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of spare ammunition, George brought extra food and wine.
He’d share them with the other pirates.
“So much better than hardtack and water,” they said. “Where did you get that?”
“I made it myself,” said George.
The pirates lobbied the captain to let George cater raids and battles.
Other pirate ships caught wind of George’s talents, and he ended up catering them, too. And navies. And merchants.
George built a fleet of catering ships. Nobody messed with them.
Because nobody wanted to go back to hardtack and water.
George walks off
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of looting and pillaging and plundering, when it was a nice day, George just wanted to roam through fields of flowers or sit by the ocean and listen to the waves.
Surprisingly, instead of making George walk the plank, the captain agreed, and went with George.
So did the rest of the crew.
Word spread quickly. Other pirate crews walked off the job. Navy crews too.
Pretty soon everyone was enjoying a day off.
“Your plan worked,” the captain told George. “Now let’s go rob those other vessels!”
George says fore
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But he was good at designing miniature golf courses.
He sketched out the plans on old maps, arranging treasure chests and sea serpents.
Every hole was marked with an X.
The last hole was an epic sea battle, with little dolls swinging on ropes and firing cannons.
“Where will you get the construction material for this?” said the captain.
Suddenly, the ship wrecked on an uncharted island.
George and the crew salvaged as much as they could.
“While guys build a shelter,” said George, “I’ll build the first hole.”