“George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.”
Adam Sandler looked over the script, flipped through the pages, and threw it at his agent.
“What is this shit?” said Adam.
“It’s about a pirate who’s not really good at being a pirate,” said his agent. “He does all kinds of funny and goofy shit.”
Adam frowned. “It’s fucking retarded. How the hell is that gonna get me an Oscar?”
“Mind if I take a look?” said Rob Schneider.
“Sure, Rob, go for it,” said Adam.
A year later, Rob won the Oscar.
And Adam fired his agent.
George and 9/11
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He came up with all kinds of crazy schemes and plans.
“If we ram ships into the World Trade Center, we can bring them down,” he said.
“Why?” asked the captain. “What would be the point?”
George thought for a moment. “You’re right. It would destroy everything worth looting. It’s just evil.”
George crumpled up his plans and tossed them in the trash.
Later that night, a Muslim crewman dug out the plans, photographed them, and sent them to his cousin Khalid.
“Tell brother Osama about this,” he said.
George on St. Patrick’s Day
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he was a better pirate than all these posers going around saying “YARRRR!” and “SHIVER ME TIMBERS!” on Talk Like A Pirate Day.
It was worse than an Irish pub on St. Patrick’s Day.
All those amateurs drinking green-colored swill. Disgusting.
And if you tried to pinch a pirate for not wearing green on St. Patrick’s Day, they’d run you through with their sword.
A drunk tourist pointed at George and went “ARRRRRRRR!”
George pushed them into the harbor, and we went back to his ship to sleep.
George in the treasure chest
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d get completely drunk and crawl into a treasure chest, and then he’d close the lid.
Sometimes, George had to fold himself up really tight, but he took yoga classes and regularly worked on keeping himself limber and flexible.
Then, when his shipmates opened the treasure chest, he’d leap out and yell BOO!
Well, that what he’d hoped to do.
But usually, he’d kinda flop out of the treasure chest and vomit and pass out. You know, because he was so drunk.
Oh, and George got stabbed a lot.
George and the floods
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He watched the news and saw the devastation from the hurricane.
“If you stay, be sure to write your name and social security number on your arm so we can identify your body,” said the mayor.
When they called for rescue boats, George hopped in the ship’s rowboat and did his best to rescue as many people as possible.
“Thank you, George!’ they all said.
“You’re welcome,” said George.
After the rain stopped and the waters receded, George sold all the names and social security numbers to identity thieves.
Weekly Challenge #991 – Budget airline
- Lisa
- Richard
- Thomas
- Lizzie
- Serendipidy
- Tom
- Norval Joe
- Planet Z
The next topic is PICK TWO Castle, Rules, Root, Naked in the snow, A pillow
LISA
Interview with one of the two Plane Crash Survivors
“Marie, What an experience. How did you manage to last nearly a year out there?”
“For a start we had decent bedding. The contents of people’s cases were amazing. Some real luxury treats in there. We’d made a shelter from part of the plane. Most of the fittings had come loose when it crashed so it was easy to gut it between us.”
“Your husband didn’t survive, did he?”
No, and I don’t really want to dwell on what we ate but I think things would’ve been much harder to swallow on a budget airline. Having decent cutlery really helped.
RICHARD
— Thank you for flying —
I think my budget airline of choice is taking the concept of low-cost a little too far.
I understand doing away with cases in the hold, and limiting hand luggage to a single, tiny bag.
And I can’t really quibble over inadequate legroom and lack of refreshments.
I do have concerns, now that they’re charging to use the lavatory, and seatbelts are optional extras.
And last time I flew I had to pay more, just to sit in a seat.
But now I’m drawing the line.
I refuse to supply my own elastic band and wind the propeller myself!
THOMAS
BUDGET AIRLINE
SkyGrind Airlines redefined “bare minimum.” Seats? Replaced by communal perches made of recycled truck tires. Windows? Gone. Now, laser prints glued on walls. The fuselage? A patchwork of old billboard vinyl and repurposed garden fencing.
Flight attendants were unpaid “SkyVolunteers”—contest winners too dazed to decline. Food? Trays of sandwiches… split among rows. Beverage cart? Lukewarm tap water served in jelly glasses, $3.
When the plane tilted, passengers shifted to counterbalance—“dynamic seating,” they called it. Landing gear? Yoga mats. Yet people flew SkyGrind. Why? Tickets cost less than a vending machine burrito. Comfort was a luxury. Survival, an upsell.
LIZZIE
Low cost. This is what you get. A hole on the side of the plane through which two people were sucked out. Three more held on to their seats, one of them with a hole on his head instead. “Transfer the money or else”, they said. The company chose the “or else” obviously. Now, they had to transfer a ton of money, but to the families of the deceased. One of the relatives laughed all the way to the bank. “Transfer the money or transfer the money. From low cost to premium, plus the inheritance, that’s how you do business.”
SERENDIPIDY
So, there you are, enjoying the in-flight entertainment, complementary drink and snacks, congratulating yourself on ditching the budget airline and splashing out on this particular trip.
Until there’s a shudder and sudden sickening drop. The engines start to scream, along with the passengers, oxygen masks drop from the ceiling, and the plane plunges towards the ground.
Then, over the tannoy, you hear the captain’s calm, reassuring voice: “Brace for impact!”
By the way, I’m the captain on this flight, and the reason I’m so calm is because I have a parachute.
Happy landings… I’ll see you on the ground!
NORVAL JOE
His mother took the phone from Billbert’s hand. “Hello. I’m June Weinerheimer and a woman from Child Health and Welfare took Sabrina Hecksaohos from our home to place her with a foster family. May I speak with the supervisor?”
“I’m sorry. Ms. Pickenpaw took a budget airline flight to Mexico a week ago and hasn’t been heard from since. According to privacy policy, only she can give you any information.”
Billbert took his phone when his mother disconnected. “I know where Mandi lives. I’m going to look for her.”
His mother nodded. “I’ll do what I can to find Sabrina.”
TOM
Come Fly With Me
Lenny had just made it to junior partner at Wilcons Spencer and Dakmen. He walking into the room with an air of absolute conviction that he had found the secret sauce that would save Budget airlines. The founder of the airline Slim Walker the third laid his gaze on Lenny. It was the sort of extractive gaze that only the hyper wealth got mustard at will. Lenny returned it will a firm: yup I got your back old man. With that he revealed centerpiece of the new ad campaign: Fly Subterranean Airlines, It’s like you never left the ground.
PLANET Z
Back in The Eighties, there was this airline called Peoples Express. They would collect money or credit card receipts on the plane. There weren’t any movies I think, nothing fancy, and you had to pay for a Coke or peanuts or a small sandwich or whatever. This was after having flown American and United a few times where they gave that stuff away, and had movies and music, so it felt really cheap and miserable. You know, like how things are now with American and United and all those other airlines out there flying and upcharge for everything you want.
George changes
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent very little time pirating and too much time thinking.
He has a lot of bad ideas.
“That would be like trying to change a car engine while you’re driving it down the freeway,” said the captain.
“But we’re in a ship, not a car,” said George. “You can pull down the sails and replace them without much of a problem. Or replace the rudder with another.”
The captain nodded, but pointed at the rapidly approaching British Navy.
“Can you hurry up with the sails and rudder, please?”
George vs the hurricanes
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The governor called for evacuations because of an imminent hurricane, so a lot of people ran out of gas on the freeways and got stuck.
George convinced pirates to pick up as many people as they could and sail away to safety.
Of course, the pirates held the people for ransom, but were reasonable and offered hurricane discounts.
And it wasn’t exactly brutal kidnapping, either. Most just partied and had a good time on their boats.
“That was great!” most people said. “I can’t wait for the next hurricane!”
George and the mermaid
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He’d sit on the rocks by the shore, talking to Cassandra, the last of the mermaids.
They’d trade stories while watching the sun go down.
One day, Cassandra never showed up.
George assumed that she’d gone through The Emerald Gate, never to return.
But she’d actually gotten tangled in a Japanese fishing trawler’s net.
For years, she traveled in a freakshow carnival.
Telling her stories to the crowds.
Leaping through hoops, singing her songs.
George eventually found her, but she was happy with her life.
George smiled and left.
George and the drive-through window
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
But he was a genius compared to the dimwits at the drive-through.
George pulled the ship up to the speaker, lowering sails and dropping anchor.
He assumed that the noise was someone trying to say “Can I take your order?”
George read the list he’d gotten from his crewmates, but the speaker kept interrupting him.
“Can’t I just pull up and give you this list?”
More static barely resembling human speech.
George pulled up anyway, and handed over the list.
“Next time, we order Uber Eats,” said the captain.