George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When he rowed his boat, he didn’t row it gently down the stream.
Nor did he row it merrily. He was usually quite angry when he rowed his boat.
Usually, because his shipmates had put him in the rowboat while he slept, cut the mooring line, and sailed off.
George rowed as hard as he could, and then he’d get out his spyglass and try to locate the ship.
That’s when George would wake up from the dream…
And he was still in the boat, exhausted, dying of exposure.
Weekly Challenge #887 – Intake
SCRIBBLING WREN
The New Term
Paul has changed his name. It’s helped him get a job at one of the most exclusive private schools in the country. Their intake is small but each year there’s always a few new girls.
He’s working as a caretaker and is upstairs cleaning when they arrive. He props on his mop to watch the parade of posh cars screech to a halt on carefully combed gravel.
The girl’s uniforms are crisp, with blazers slightly too long in the arm. There’s a smell of freshly sharpened pencil lingering in the air. He licks his lips ready for a clean start.
RICHARD
Sharp intake of breath
My sharp intake of breath had nothing to do with my son, against all odds, getting good exam results.
You might think it was because, totally unexpectedly, he had straight ‘A’s in every subject he’d taken, but even then, you’d be wrong.
You’d be getting slightly warmer if you thought my shocked expression and nervous laugh were consequences of learning that his success had secured him a place at the top university in the country.
But, that’s still not it.
My sharp intake of breath was solely due to the obscene amount it would cost me to send him there!
LIZZIE
They told him no one would force him to eat only fruit and he was fine with that. He would eat meat too. “Not here, you won’t,” they said, smiling that placid smile of veggie eaters. But he knew what to do. He’d eat their fruit and then he’d sneak out. He was only there because she forced him to go. “You need to lose weight.” Well, not by eating a ton of fruit, he thought.
When they caught him at the local diner, eating a steak, they cried. “Poor animal.” He was offended and replied “I’m not an animal!”
TOM
And the moment passed
Barry stared at a square foot of the wall in front of him. Every molecule of that square chronicled his life and though not judgmental mocked him all the same. He had taken a job as an intake clerk. A summer job which would lead to a position of power and importance. He was going places. What happen to poor Barry can only be explained as the weight of the Patrick Principle: you lower to the level of your least skill. If there is a glass ceiling there has to be a glass floor. On it is written: Intake clerk.
As the reason for my Absence
To understand how my oldest friend ended his life turfed from one medical corporation to another we’ll need a bit of geographic background. California is insanely wealthy. No, I mean streets paved with gold wealthy. Each part of the state has its own product of wealth. Hollywood, Silicon Valley, Militar Industrial Complex, damn Tesla. Our little corner of paradise is grapes. In Wine Country families rule and the head of those family fear nothing so much as the dark shadow of death. You can’t believe the amount of cash they pour into hospitals. Heavy on cardio, we are talking wings
SERENDIPIDY
Weight control is simple: It’s just a matter of balancing food intake with how much energy you expend.
Eat less, move more and you’ll lose weight.
On the other hand, eat more and move less, and the pounds will pile on.
Since you’re unable to move at all, and the feeding tube is working overtime, I think you can see where this is going…
And, once you’re so obese you couldn’t move, even if you wanted to, I’m going to slit your throat, cut you into pieces, and enjoy feasting on your flesh.
I’ll freeze whatever I can’t use immediately.
TURA
Tura Brezoianu
Attachments
Sat, Apr 22, 5:43 PM (13 hours ago)
to me
Intake
———
“I’m God. Ask me anything.”
A sharp intake of breath went through r/AMA, and the questions started.
“Why is there evil?”
“You run the show, that’s the deal.”
“What about natural disasters?”
“It builds character.”
“Can you make a rock so heavy you can’t lift it?”
“It’s called a black hole.”
“Do we have free will?”
“I knew you’d choose to ask that!”
“What must I do to be saved?”
“Treat people right, listen to your parents, eat your greens, walk a few miles every day. You already know this. What were you expecting?”
“What are you expecting?”
“Surprise me.”
NORVAL JOE
Billbert’s super powers made the old man hanging below him almost weightless. He would regain all of his weight if Billbert just opened his hand.
Billbert shook the man. “How high do you think you’d bounce?”
With a quick intake of breath, the man shouted, “She’s in a well to the north. Just put me down in the cabin, first, and I’ll take you to her.”
“I’m not as dumb as you look,” Billbert said. “Take me to Linoliamanda. Then I’ll let you go.”
Billbert dropped low enough for Sabrina to hear him. “Follow me. We’re going to get Linoliamanda.”
JARED
An Exercise in Dialogue: Jargon and Atmosphere
Klaxons screeched as red alert beacons flared to life.
“Operations, report,” Captain Klein ordered.
“Sar, we have reports of fires on all decks. It appears to have spread through ventilation shafts,” Ops Commander Willis answered. “The fire suppression system is bringing most under containment,” she continued.
Capt. Klein turned to their Science officer. “Where did this come from, Le?”
“Not certain, Captain, but the perimeter breach was via the propulsion system’s atmospheric flight coolant intakes,” Lt. Le answered.
“Those should be fully sealed while underway. We need answers as to how they opened during standard NVoS operations,” the captain declared.
PLANET Z
They stripped me naked, put me in purple scrubs, and wheeled me over to a suicide watch room.
Strapped to a bed for 12 hours without food or sleep while an intern watched me.
I did get some water. And pissed in a jug.
Then I was wheeled to an ambulance, dumped into a room with chairs bolted to the floor.
I used the pen from the intake forms to write out notes on a paper shopping bag I found on the floor.
Pulling the wire from my facemask, thinking to myself: should I stick it in an electrical socket?
George on the Holodeck
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tried to learn more, but records at Star Fleet Academy were spotty on that historical subject.
George did his best to fill in the gaps with books and movies.
He put on an attempt at an authentic pirate outfit and went to the holodecks.
“Holodeck, start Program George One,” said George.
The computer said “Simulation ready,” and opened the doors.
George walked through the archway and on to a wooden plank.
“Uh oh,” said George.
He felt a cutlass point at his back, and fell into the water.
George divides treasure
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Instead of dividing up shares based on senority, let’s have some fun!”
George stuffed a pinata with treasure from the last raid and hung it from the mast.
“Everybody gets three swings. When the pinata bursts open, you can grab what you can from what falls out, okay?”
The pirates with hooks for hands complained that they’d only be able to grab half as much as others.
The ones with peglegs complained that it was hard to bend over.
In the end, they strung up George and beat him.
George peaked early
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When George was in Pirate School, other pirates would ask to cheat off of George’s exam papers.
Because George wasn’t smart at most pirate subjects, they’d end up failing, too.
That’s when George came up with the brilliant idea for him to cheat off of all of their exam papers.
Sure enough, everyone passed. Including George.
“You’re a genius, George!” the other pirates said. “When we graduate, we’ll need a genius like you aboard!”
George peaked early, but when you think about it, did he ever peak at all?
George kills Peter Pan
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
One day, while taking practice with a cannon, he heard an awful scream.
A flying kid in green tights fell out of the sky and landed in the water.
Then, a trail of sparks flew into George’s face.
Tinkerbell bitched him out for killing Peter.
“Wait, you aren’t Captain Hook,” the angry pixie squeaked. “Who the Hell are you?”
George grabbed her, stuffed her into a jar, and used her as a night light.
Until the light began to fade, because he forgot to poke holes in the lid.
George is shark bait
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship ran low on food supplies, George was in charge of rigging up fishing lines and catching enough to feed the crew until they made it to port.
George really liked to fish, but he wasn’t very good at it.
Half the time, he’d throw the rod into the water while casting the line.
In the end, George didn’t catch any fish, and he used up the rest of the ship’s food as bait.
The crew tied up George and used him as bait for catching sharks.
George and the bilge rats
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
To keep George distracted from pirate duties, like firing cannon or standing on dead men’s chests, the captain assigned George to take care of the ship’s cat.
The cat’s job was to catch bilge rats.
George decided that more cats would mean more bilge rats caught.
But that led to an overpopulation of cats.
George bought some dogs to hunt the cats.
And then some bears to hunt the dogs.
Pretty soon, the ship was packed with angry, vicious animals.
The crew hid in the bilge with the rats.
Weekly Challenge #886 – As far as the eye can see
The next weekly challenge topic is: Intake
SCRIBBLING WREN/LISA
“Better now? Now?”
Sally the optician had stopped caring before Harry sat in the chair. Harry wasn’t bothered either. He’d made ‘Silly Mistakes’ at work so they’d sent him for an eye test but they were paying and it was in company time.
“Better now?”
He started randomly saying what made him see clearer.
“Better now?”
Sally didn’t notice and prescribed glasses that would make things much worse at Harry’s work.
The receptionist who was concentrating on counting the hours’ til home time typed the amount wrong in the card reader, this mistake quadrupled the bill.
No one ever noticed.
RICHARD
All this…
I remember the day my father stood at my side and proclaimed, “One day, all this – as far as the eye can see – will be yours.”
I looked at him cynically. “But, dad, I can only see as far as the back wall, that’s what… Twenty feet?”
He nodded sagely, “Therein lies an important lesson. You’re stuck with what life gives you. Even if it’s small, appreciate its worth.”
I took his words to heart, sold the land to a property developer for a small fortune, and bought a country estate that extends as far as the eye can see!”
LIZZIE
“As far as the eye can see, the blue ocean, a nothingness filled with promises of many tomorrows. A certainty of the soul. A timeless motion forward. Perhaps even…”
“What on earth are you talking about, man?!”
The raft drifted aimlessly.
“We’re lost. We’re going to die and you’re blabbering crazy stuff.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Yes. You’ll start seeing things soon.”
“You mean… Like that dragon?”
“Yes, like that dragon… Good grief man, there are no dragons.”
The dragon swallowed them whole and burped. Not tasty, not tasty at all. Skinny, dehydrated humans. Nope, never again. Heartburn was a killer.
TOM
Major Tom
As far as the eye can see there were stars. It takes a bit getting uses to the stationary effect. On earth the stars spin across the horizon. In space the dance is frozen. With no up or down or much of a right or left the sense of fall is overwhelming. I time my breathing to the beating of my heart and fix my focus a single star. The light I see left that star millions of years ago. Any civilization that light fell upon has long since turn to dust. When the oxygen runs out so will I.
As To the Reason for My Absence
I didn’t write for about a year. Figure it was the end of my podcasting career. From time to time, I would listen to the challenge, I noted Norval Joe was close to having his first 100 stories in a row. I wanted to celebrate that milestone, so I wrote a story to him. Then one the next week. One foot in front of the other. That was many years ago, over a decade. I have Phil to thank for my return. I promise myself I would never let events keep me from post weekly. Then death two happen: Jim
SERENDIPIDY
It crops up all over the place: On banknotes, coats of arms, seals, and in the insignia of clubs, societies and religious orders, all over the world.
It is the All-Seeing-Eye, and it pervades every aspect of our lives, watching our activities, monitoring our every move, and overseeing our transactions.
Nothing is hidden, nothing is secret and our lives are laid bare before it.
It’s watching you, and you’d better be sure that what it sees is good, wholesome and charitable.
Because, there will be consequences!
And, as far as the eye can see, yours will be unfortunate!
TURA
As far as the eye can see
———
God created three minor gods, who knew God not. They contended who should rule the world.
“I will have as far as the eye can see,” said the first, whose eyesight was so sharp he could see the back of his own head. He rules the lands of the Earth.
The second claimed, “As far as the eye cannot see.” Everything that is underground became his realm.
The third claimed, “That which lies between,” and so rules the waters and waterways.
The three dispute their boundaries, and this creates storms, earthquakes, and tsunamis.
God looks down and does not speak.
NORVAL JOE/PHILIP CARROLL
The old man sneered at Billbert. “Your friend is nearby, but you’ll never find her.”
Sabrina was coming around so he sloughed her off his shoulder, took her hand and levitated back up into the sky. They looked for where Linoliamanda could be stashed, but only the tops of trees extended as far as the eye could see.
Billbert dropped back into the cabin and set Sabrina down.
“You won’t tell me where she is,” Billbert said, grabbed the man by the front of his robe and shot above the trees.
The man dangling, Billbert laughed. “Don’t tell. Just point.”
JARED/JRADIMUS
Dramatic Irony Bites Like a Rabid Monkey
Our hero had been exposed to enough ‘genie media’ that he should have known about the mischief behind genies’ wish granting. I guess something about the spectacle of a genie erupting from a magic lamp disrupts rational thought, because when Harvey found himself in this fantastical scenario, he didn’t even pause before he wished:
“First, I want to be a licensed realtor. Next, I want to get into the millionaire’s real estate market. Then, I want to dominate that market as far as I can see.”
These were the words that have haunted him since the accident that blinded him.
PLANET Z
I went down the stairs, opened the vault doors, and looked down the corridor.
Alcoves along the stone walls, niches with bones as far as the eye could see.
The Friar patted me on the shoulder.
“One day, you’ll join them.”
I walked along the corridor, sometimes there was a worn rusty plaque.
Fragments of paper, chalk marks on the stone wall.
“Only they know who they were.”
Forty years later, I was the one wearing the robes.
Leading acolytes down the stairs to the vault doors.
And reminding them that they’re mortal.
And telling them: “Make your life count.”
George the Snowman
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t very good at reading maps or compasses, so when he thought he was heading to Barbados, he was actually heading North.
“Is it getting cold or what?” said George, shivering.
The crew dodged ice floes as they attempted to steer South.
Sleet tore at the sails, and they barely survived a fierce blizzard.
Enough snow accumulated on the deck for a snowball fight and to make a snowman.
The crew bound and gagged George, and packed snow around him.
And they put George’s hat on its head.