George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Other pirates had cool names, like Blackbeard and Captain Hook.
George was just George the Pirate.
He tried out a lot of names, but his shipmates refused to use any of them.
“You’ll always be George the Pirate to us,” they said.
Everywhere he went, he was George the Pirate.
Except for one.
George walked in to the Red Cross and rolled up his sleeve.
“I’m back,” he said. “Ready to give more.”
“Welcome aboard, Captain Blood!” said the nurse. “Your usual cot?”
George eased back, and he smiled.
George’s Turing Test
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
People had a hard time believing that George was a real pirate.
Even at the Loebner Prize competition, where programmers build intelligent systems to beat the Turing Test, George still had a hard time.
“I’m sitting right in front of you!” screamed George at the judges. “I’m a freaking pirate! PirateBot 3000 and AutoPirate are computers!”
The competition’s judges conferred. “No self-respecting pirate would act in that manner,” they said, making marks on their clipboards.
In a huff, George went home.
CaptainBot 3000 told him to swab the deck.
George and Bilgey
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Unlike other pirates, who had parrots, George had a pet rat.
He called it Bilgey.
“It’s a bilge rat,” said George. “Purebred and everything, he’s even got papers.”
“That damn thing has the plague,” said the captain. “Throw it overboard.”
George pulled out the papers. “One of these says that he’s an Emotional Support Animal. That means you have to let me keep him.”
The captain killed the rat and fed it to a mangy wharf dog.
“Wait a day,” said the captain. “You can keep what comes out.”
George’s Hair
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time on the bow, feeling the wind blow through his long flowing hair.
So, the captain ordered his men to hold George down while he used his sword to shave George bald.
George rubbed his hand against his bare scalp.
“This feels kinda neat,” he said.
And he stood on the bow and felt the wind blow across his head.
“This is so much cooler,” said George. “I totally dig this. Thank you, Captain.”
The captain threatened to remove George’s head with a cannon.
George and Bell
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Most pirates aren’t interested in science and technology, unless it has something to do with swords and weapons and sailing.
George was interested in telephones and communication technology.
In fact, he was the reason why Alexander Graham Bell said “Watson, come here, I need you.”
George had burst into Bell’s lab, all excited to have found his hero.
Bell was surprised by the sight of a pirate breaking into his lab, so he called for Watson.
They drove off George, who shrugged and went away, looking for Thomas Edison.
Weekly Challenge #885 – Blinded
The next weekly challenge topic is: As far as the eye can see
SCRIBBLING WREN
The Blinding
In the beginning was the bird. One bird: a magpie, with an ‘oil in a puddle’ sheen across his outstretched wing. They had said a single magpie was bad luck, but then hordes arrived. A global power outage shut down all communication, if the internet still worked Hitchcock would almost certainly be trending on Twitter.
The first to be enucleated was a toddler playing on the swings. His whelps swept across the grass, met more chilling screams before horror filled the park.
With an iridescent flash, the attackers disappeared as quickly as they’d come.
But the darkness had already fallen.
RICHARD
School’s Out
I was never cut out to be a teacher, not just because I hated kids and – let’s be honest, kids tend to hate me too – but I was also horribly ill-suited to the job.
The school I taught at was so understaffed, we had to turn our hands to almost any subject. No problem for my more academically inclined colleagues, but when you’re a sports coach, teaching chemistry is, at best, hit and miss!
I made most of it up, scrawling incomprehensible, unintelligible formulae on the blackboard.
The class: blinded by pseudo-science!
Somehow, I got away with it.
TOM
Marleen Walker
Marleen Walker glided across the checked linoleum tiles towards the old brown easy-chair. A lingering hint of Old Spice and Luck Strikes brushed her cheek. She thought it was pretty funny how the scent of a person could with crystal clarity reconstruct her father’s presents. He lived the last six months in that ragged old chair. She could still mark out the decaying of his senses and towards the end the blinded of the light, both the inner and outer. Her body told her cry, but to so would be to cross a hard line. Later she said, always later.
As To the Reason for My Absence
Emuire was my cat. I taught her how to swear. And she did often. She did not care for the many other cats who would be abandon at out last house on the right below the tiny pump house on the hill. Emuire was a three legged cat and moved with a grace of motion you didn’t actually see you experienced it. Ask any owner of a three legged pet. Emuite lived to 15 and the day I had to force myself to the vet to end her pain all the stories in my head hide in a corner not available to me.
SERENDIPIDY
Do you know of anyone who actually has been blinded by looking directly at the sun? I’m pretty sure you don’t, and I’m equally sure that, at some point in your life, you’ve given it a go yourself, just for a moment, perhaps just through barely open eyelids? Right?
Did it blind you?
Maybe it hurt a little, and no doubt you were troubled by disorientating after images, but you weren’t blinded were you?
Nobody ever is.
Let me tell you why you really shouldn’t look at the sun.
Better still, take a look for yourself, a good long look!
LIZZIE
Dusk set in. The black panther remained seated on his pedestal, his back to the water, watching the humans getting ready to wrap up their day. It was that time again. They didn’t know. But that old witch had taught him well. She had showed him who to snatch and when. The next morning, they would wonder. How? Why? When? Who did this? As the morning approached, he’d go back to being a statue. A statue on his pedestal, the one they revered, the one they looked up to for protection. Dusk set in and he waited on his pedestal.
TURA
Blinded
————
Deprived of ordinary vision, the Blind Sage speaks with inner vision. Petitioners must make an arduous mountain ascent of many days to speak with him.
One asked, “How can I become rich?”
The sage answered, “Want what you have.”
He asked again, “No, I mean, how can I get lots of money?”
The sage answered, “Be of value to others.”
He protested in exasperation, “What wisdom is this? Why can’t you talk sense?” and tramped off back down the mountainside.
The sage replied to the empty air, “Because there are none so blind as those who will not see.”
————
NORVAL JOE
My twin brother was killed in a hit and run when he was riding his bicycle this morning. He rode every Saturday. I don’t know if he was blinded by the car’s headlights and run off the road, or if he was hit from behind. The details aren’t in yet.
Roger liked to laugh. He was a ventriloquist, a magician, a musician, an accountant, and he loved cats.
We ran a half marathon together last month. He said that was probably going to be his last, as he preferred to ride his bike. Looks like it was. I’ll miss him.
PLANET Z
Sometimes, Delores forgot to wear her charging mask, and she needed to wear induction loop glasses to power her eyes during the day.
The rims were thick, and a cable ran along her ear to the battery pack in her shirt pocket.
The optical system offered notifications and overlays as reminders and identification enhancements, but Delores kept those turned off.
So now and then, she’d wake up blind, fumbling for her glasses.
The first time she forgot to charge her battery pack, she told Alexa to deliver a fresh one.
She sat in the dark, waiting patiently for the doorbell.
JARED/JRADIMUS
Not by the Light
Harvey was still ecstatic. Beyond, even. Just before the end of the day, he closed on the biggest real estate deal he’d ever been part of, and he and the rest of the agents just closed out a bar on the biggest bar tab he’d ever been part of.
Walking to his car, he was jostled off the sidewalk and almost fell over. When he regained his balance, he looked up and could only see the headlights of an oncoming vehicle.
He survived, but with the injuries he sustained, the car’s lights were the last thing he would ever see.
George wishes
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wished he was a good pirate.
He blew out all the candles on his birthday cake and made a wish.
Nope.
He carried around a birthday cake and shouted if it was anybody’s birthday.
When someone said “Yes” he’d light the candles and demand that they blew them out and wish that George was a good pirate.
“Say it out loud,” he’d say. “Or I’ll have ye guts for garters.”
Nope. Still didn’t work.
But he did make some good money as a novelty birthday telegram that way.
George in the jar
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You know that pirate in the “Whiskey in the Jar” song?
In that song, a pirate stole a bunch of money from some other pirate, brought it home to his chick, and then she got him drunk and set up a murder scheme that left her rich, the other pirate dead, and the guy in prison?
Well, that wasn’t George.
George wasn’t the guy in prison, the dead guy, or even the chick who set them both up.
And he sings that song way off key in karaoke bars.
If George had a hammer
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
If he had a hammer, he wouldn’t hammer in the morning, evening, or all over this land.
Nor would he hammer out love between his brothers and sisters.
Imagine, for a moment, George waving a hammer in your face, ordering you to love your brothers and sisters.
Because, if you take that literally, it’s kinda sick. Almost like incest.
No, just no.
It’s just plain wrong.
Thank goodness that George doesn’t have a hammer.
Or a bell. Or a song.
He just has a sword.
Because he’s a pirate.
George the friend
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was a good friend, though. I could always count on George.
Whenever I felt tired, or sad, or lonely, George was there.
He’d sit by my bed, telling adventure stories while drinking from his jug of whiskey.
I’d close my eyes and imagine the faraway places George had seen.
All the treasure he’d held, pieces of eight running through his fingers.
Whispering “Good night” he’d turn off the lamp.
Climbing out the window, leaving behind his whiskey jug.
By the time I was twelve, I was in rehab.