I put a cover over my air-conditioning heat pump to keep leaves and rocks out of it. However, somehow something got in there. There was a loud banging. I turned off the air conditioning to the house and looked under the cover. There was a severed tail at the bottom of the unit and some sort of lizard or frog chopped up and stuck in the grading on top. Apparently it kept bouncing off of the spinning blades, sticking to the grading, and eventually falling back into the blades. I cleaned out the creature, and restarted the unit. Fixed.
Author: R.
Basic chemistry
Early chemists discovered elements by looking around, maybe digging a little.
Maybe they had to heat something up a little.
Further on, chemists had to go digging for a really long time, mix vials of goop, and filter out lots of crap to find new elements.
As the effort increased, so did the announcements and the launch parties.
Pretty soon, they were firing electrons at lumps of stuff behind large amounts of sheeting or concrete walls.
And the parties came with parades and fireworks.
But this request for a team of skydiving Elvis impersonators?
Rejected.
Just get a damn cake.
Adam West is the Buddha
They say that if you meet Buddha by the side of the road, you must kill him.
But that is not Buddha.
It is Adam West.
You know, the guy who played Batman on television.
He was a voice in that cartoon show as the mayor.
And you killed him.
I mean, yeah, people mistake him for the Buddha a lot, I admit it.
If they were in a police lineup, you’d have a hard time telling them apart.
As if the Buddha would be stealing from a bodega or groping people on the subway.
Adam West? Maybe he would.
Add to the alphabet
The alphabet started small. Two or three marginalized groups, bringing their causes together, fighting for their rights. Then other groups added themselves to the alphabet, trying to pin their demand for rights to the causes of others. More and more groups jumped aboard. Pretty soon, the reading of the alphabet took longer than whatever speech or presentation an activist was giving. God forbid they left anyone out of the alphabet, or there would be screaming accusations of marginalization among the marginalized. Eventually, it got too difficult to remember or say, and it was shortened to We hate white straight men.
Weekly Challenge #1041 – Classic
- Lizzie
- Richard
- Tom
- Serendipidy
- Planet Z
RICHARD
Might as well jump
So, my mate John from the tribute band, Fan Halen, was feeling the show needed jazzing up a bit. It needed more energy, more of a rock n roll vibe.
He asked me for some tips.
I mulled a few ideas around in my mind, eventually suggesting that maybe he should give the classic stage dive a shot.
We decided he should try it at the next gig.
All was going well, right up until that moment.
John is the only guy I know that can throw himself on top of a tightly packed mass of fans…
And miss completely.
SERENDIPIDY
Classic signs of a violent struggle: significant abrasions, torn nails, multiple defensive cuts to the hands and arms, and a blood spatter pattern that clearly demonstrated this had been a protracted and extremely vicious attack.
I’ll be the first to admit, it wasn’t the tidiest of crime scenes that I’d left in my wake, but life can be like that – even with meticulous planning, things can get messy.
Then again, I like messy.
It’s my trademark.
If I left the scene, clean, tidy and clinical, you wouldn’t know it was my handiwork.
And, I really can’t have that, can I?
LIZZIE
Classic. A car? The radio. Classic music? No, the radio. The music on the radio? No, the radio. The officer closed his notepad, shook his head, and walked away. Classic. Someone overheard it. Why classic? The radio. Oh, not the cop? No, the radio. Why did he walk away? Don’t know, but… the radio. No one paid attention. But he knew. The radio had killed them. So, he grabbed it, and walked away. Classic. The word kept repeating in his head. When he smashed the damn thing, it made a fizzling sound and that was it. Classic problem-solving strategy, brutality.
TOM
The face that launched a 1000 ships
She was a classic. Timely with an air of certainty. One could not own such a spirit, only assess it her continuation. To that end I have amassed a considerable fortune in protection lesser soul from gain purchase. Some might point out I may have lost my way in this pursuit. But look at her, she shines brighter than the brightest star. Markus took for last long gaze. He drew the curtain. Locked the door. The air above the bunker was -25. It was 200 miles to the air field. As he fly into the rising sun, Markus thought safe at last.
PLANET Z
I remember when Coke became New Coke, and then they brought back original Coke as Coke Classic.
Pepsi never became New Pepsi or Pepsi Classic, nor did Dr. Pepper, RC. or any other soda.
Sprite, Mountain Dew, and Tab didn’t change at all, either.
Fanta, that Nazi soda, has never changed.
Well, when I say changed, I mean branding.
A lot of them have changed from sugar to corn syrup.
Although now many claim to use cane sugar.
But none are changing to New or Classic.
They just say cane sugar on the front and then in the ingredients list.
The race to the bottom
Art critics are racists.
Take two neo-expressionist artists: Cy Tombly and Jean Basquiat.
Both made rudimentary art, scribbles and scrawled words.
They described Twombly as brilliant, sublime, and amazing.
Praising garbage.
And they described Basquiat as chaotic, primitive, untrained, and child-like.
A graffiti-spraying amateur.
Which, to be fair, he was.
A homeless drug addict scraped off the sidewalk by Andy Warhol, caged up in a basement, and pumping out art for the dealer upstairs to peddle.
Warhol orders an employee to silk-screen up a logo, and then Basquiat defaces it.
Me, I describe both as crap.
Regardless of their race.
Disappear
My parents are dead.
My father’s brother, my gay uncle, had no children.
And before that, the name was what some clerk wrote down.
At the immigration desk in the port of San Francisco.
When my great-grandfather said Zigmund.
And he heard Simon.
So, nobody in the old country.
Not that any would have survived what happened there.
I have no children.
My brother does.
He has a daughter.
But she will take on the name of whatever husband or wife she takes.
Her children will have their name.
And my family name will be no more.
Simon says, disappear.
Small town walk
It’s a small town, and the grocery store, pharmacy, and a few restaurants are about seven minutes walk. So, unless I’ve got a lot of groceries to pick up, I like to walk. I mean, I walk two or three times a day for exercise and it’s working. The other night, I walked to the pharmacy to pick something up and they had already closed early. And I laughed. I hadn’t run out of pills yet, so I could wait till tomorrow, and I enjoyed the walk there, and I enjoyed the walk back, and I’ll walk there again tomorrow.
Robot hot dog vendors
A lot of people have opinions on the robot umpires, but I’m looking forward to robot hot dog vendors.
Because I don’t want to wait for that shouting guy to walk around with the hot dogs.
Nor do I want to get up and go get a hot dog.
I know I can order a hot dog and have it delivered to me, but that guy often has a bunch of orders in his route and ends up taking as long as the shoutong guy walking around.
Just put a cannon on the roof, aim it, and I’ll catch it.
Render unto Ralph
Jesus may have said to render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s, but when it came to his next-door neighbor Ralph, he said screw that creep.
Ralph was always dumping his lawn clippings over the fence on to Jesus’ yard.
And he parked his chariot in a way that blocked Jesus’ driveway.
He once caught Ralph with his mail, and Ralph said he was just coming over to hand it to Jesus.
Yeah, right.
Jesus never believed that Judas betrayed him.
He thought it was Ralph.
Judas confessed, but Jesus said “Yeah, right. Uh huh. I know it was Ralph.”