Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He made up for it by volunteering for the Port Royal Symphony.
George swept the floors, copied sheet music, and performed a variety of menial, but helpful chores.
The director was impressed by George’s efforts.
“We’re planning to perform Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture next month,” said the director. “Can you ask your pirate friends to provide the final volley of cannon fire?”
George gladly agreed.
His shipmates didn’t quite understand the request, and ended up laying waste to the concert hall.
George picked up a broom, and began sweeping.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He also wasn’t a very good hunter.
Instead of setting traps for animals, he’d run after them, failing his cutlass around wildly and shouting obscenities.
George was chasing a strange rabbit in a waistcoat when he fell down a deep hole.
He encountered a bunch of talking animals, which he killed and stuffed into his canvas bag.
As he climbed out of the hole, a little girl accused him of murdering her friends from Wonderland.
George stuffed her into the bag and sent a ransom note to her family.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
On the introvert/extrovert scale, George tested heavily towards introvert.
He kept to himself. Other pirates caroused together in social situations.
“It’s hard to have a battle if you don’t engage with others,” said the captain.
“I can fire a cannon,” said George. “That’s a productive engagement from a distance.”
The captain thought for a moment. “Okay, then congratulations on your promotion to anchor supervisor,” he said.
“Thank you,” said George. So when do I start?”
“Now,” said the captain, as George was chained to the anchor. “Weigh anchor!”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The other pirates sent him to the market for supplies.
They wouldn’t give him any money, though.
George stole what he could, stuffing his pockets and hiding things under his jacket.
One time, he was told to get a cow.
George found a kid with one, but how do you stuff a cow in your pocket?
He found some beans in there.
“Here, kid,” said George. “These magic beans for your cow?”
The kid agreed, and while the pirates grilled steak for dinner, a giant fell on their ship.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Where most pirates used their cutlasses for battle, George used his for clipping coupons.
It wasn’t easy, considering how dull the blade was, but the captain wouldn’t lend him the scissors from his desk.
“I remember the last time I lent you my scissors,” said the captain. “It took you over a week to give them back, and they were greasy and filthy.”
“I’m sorry,” said George, but he was more sorry that the fine for the unlicensed barber shop had been greater than what he’d made in tips.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
So, he took photography.
At first, the other pirates made fun of him, but after a while, the pirates checked out his Instragram feed.
George piled up a lot of likes and shares, and pirates from all around asked for George to photograph their adventures and exploits.
It was a good gig, but George wanted to give it up and do more pirate stuff again.
“Sorry, George,” said the captain. “You’re too good at this to give it up.”
The captain then had George photograph him at his desk.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” said the captain. “Not everyone can be a Blackbeard or a Jack Sparrow.
It’s unfair to compare yourself to legends and icons, mind you.
You’ll always fall short of their achievements.
Instead, set reasonable goals, and then challenge yourself to do better by a little bit each time.
Does that make sense?”
George pondered this advice, thanked the captain, and walked away.
Over the raining and into the water.
“Okay, maybe you should be hard on yourself,” said the captain. “You’re an idiot.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When asked if a glass was half-empty or half-full, George picked up the glass and drank it.
“It’s empty now,” said George. “Can I have more water?”
The psychologist running the experiment told George that wasn’t the point, and he refilled the glass halfway again.
George picked it up again and drank it.
“Thank you,” said George. “But wouldn’t it be easier if you just gave me a full glass of water?”
“It might spill,” said the psychologist.
“Oh, okay,” said George. “Can I have my five bucks now?”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
In order for him to learn how to be a better pirate, the captain had him shadow another pirate through his daily routine.
“Take notes,” said the captain.
So, George followed the other pirate around and watched him tie knots, sharpen his sword, swab the deck, and clean cannons.
At the end of the day, George reflected on all he’d seen and heard.
But he didn’t learn a thing, and while he was trimming a sail, he got tangled in the rigging.
The captain made him wear a duncecap.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Little things frustrated him, like the fact that his crewmates would never refill the ice trays in the freezer after they got ice.
“Can’t we get an ice maker?” George asked the captain.
They headed ashore and raided a Motel 6, and they plundered its ice machine.
The plan worked brilliantly. Ice available any time he needed.
But they installed it next to his bunk, and the constant noise kept disturbing his sleep.
He ended having to get a hotel room… at the Motel 6 without an ice machine.