Author: R.

• Richard
• Lisa
• Tom
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

The next topic is Correlation

LISA

Boxing Day
The house was clinically clean; guests were due at midday. Mum had baked 36 mince pies – we’d all secretly had ‘just one’ as they cooled.
Just before 12 Mum bellowed.
‘Who’s had a mince pie?’ We all gathered at the kitchen door to admit our misdemeanour to discover there were NO MINCE PIES LEFT.
The dog ran downstairs leaving a brown trail behind him then leapt onto the sofa and proceeded to sick constantly. The guests arrived promptly and immediately offered to take the dog to the emergency vets. We argued over who else could go – the house felt unpleasant.

RICHARD

Laundry
The label said, cool wash. Iron on a cool heat.
What exactly does that mean?
My washing machine has a dial surrounded by indecipherable symbols – nowhere does it say ‘cool’, or anything else for that matter.
As for my iron, the only settings it has are marked one, two and three.
I suppose I can make the assumption that ‘one’ is cool, but how can I be sure.
‘In the end, I threw the shirt in the machine with everything else on the same setting I’ve used since day one.
And forget ironing. The crumpled look suits me just fine.

LIZZIE

It’s a plane, the kid exclaimed, rushing to the carousel plane. His mother shook her head. I’ll be a pilot when I grow up! The mother shook her head. Yesterday, you wanted to be a doctor. The kid stretched his arms, mimicking the wings of a plane swooshing through the sky. Isn’t this plane cool? The mother shook her head. He’d be a carpenter, tops. When the kid from back then, already an adult, showed the mother his pilot’s license, she shook her head. Crazy, dangerous job. The adult walked away, the kid cried, the mother never saw either again.

SERENDIPIDY

I wear sunglasses at night, like in the song.
Cool, huh?
You’d better believe it. It’s a look few can pull off convincingly. You need a quiet assurance; the confidence to be secure in the knowledge you have what it takes, and nobody and nothing can undermine your self-worth.
That’s what I tell people, anyway.
The truth is somewhat different.
I don’t just wear sunglasses at night, I wear them during the day too.
I never take them off.
You know what they say: The eyes are the window to the soul.
And some things should not be revealed.

TOM

1024

I wanted to Paul Newman when I grew up

The generation before me defined the term for being above it all. To aspire to a personality that wheeled a frosty wit. Dry and Chilled. The goal was to be Cool. The easy task for a child of the 50s. The central pillar of Cool was certainty in self. In short having an abundance of confidence. Not an evenly distrusted resource for average teenager. So I have spent decades being uncool. What I learn in that time is: Find something your passionate above. Find folk share your passion. For cool is fleeting. In heartbeat it’s so yesterday. Aura Riss 6-7.

NORVAL JOE

It had been a long day, and it was late. Still, instead of going directly to the guest room, Sabrina took the locket and went to the kitchen where they had kept the box of arcane items taken from the cabin in the meadow.

Sabrina handed the locket to Bilbert. “Hold this.”

Though it had been clutched in Sabrina’s hand the entire trip home, it was cool to the touch.

Sabrina emptied the box one item at a time, placing them on the table until she came to a silver jewelry box with a heart shaped depression in the lid.

PLANET Z

You can bet on anything these days.
Balls. Strikes. Touchdowns. Fumbles.
Even the coin toss.
The one thing I want to bet on is the next person to go to jail for a conspiracy related to sports gambling.
You know, some dude is at the free throw line, chucking bricks, and the cops come to serve a warrant and arrest him.
Because it’s not the integrity of the game they’re worried about.
Nothing to do with honor and competition and all of that.
It’s the future of the business.
Games can only be rigged by the owners, not the players.

• Richard
• Lisa
• Tom
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Planet Z

The next topic is Cool

RICHARD

Moves like stagger
On Mondays, I run a support network for people who think they can moonwalk, but they can’t.
You’d be surprised how many think they’re channelling Michael Jackson, when in reality their dancing sucks; and that’s being generous.
I hang out at wedding venues and school reunions, armed with business cards and flyers. On a good night, I can get a dozen referrals from traumatised wives and embarrassed family members, all desperate to wean their husbands, brothers and cousins off the mistaken belief they can dance like MJ.
Wednesdays: it’s Dirty Dancing… and, for the weekend – Saturday Night Fever, naturally.

SERENDIPIDY

“When will it stop?”
“When you’re done” I reply, adding more fuel to the fire, watching the flames burn ever higher.
Eventually, your screams turn to whimpers, and then, after a while the only sound is the crackle of burning wood, and the sizzle of your flesh.
That’s the tricky part, where the real skill comes in. Like sausages on a barbecue, you don’t want the outside burned and blackened, whilst the inside is still pink and raw.
Neither do I want you burned to a crisp.
Trust me, it takes an expert to obtain the perfect roast.

LISA

Professor Gilbert’s Secret
This is the dying testimony of Laurence Gilbert. I know I have been unparalleled in my field for decades. And can only now, on my deathbed reveal the reason.
I moonwalk into every lecture – it drags even the most unresponsive student’s eyes up from their screens. Then, I immediately hypnotise the students. They become someone else in my lectures. Some I retain and they do my bidding: mostly reading.
All students I make study. With their minds open I pour information in and give them the tools to regurgitate it.
I can’t say I’m sorry for anything I have done.

TOM

Same as it ever was.

“It was as dark and stormy night “said the joke to the thief. “When will it stop?” said the dwarf to the elf. “If the sun does rise in the morning, we must find Someone Else.” Of course, Someone Else was the mightiest Warlock in Limbo, not to be disturbed lightly. Which is the only way a pixie can disturb Any One, them being the Council of Elders. Consulting the Elder Scroll the 8th level Bard broke into song. In total discuss the Dragon Spawn fried the cursed lute with a breath of fire. Then a DOA swamped the network.

NORVAL JOE

Linoliamanda looked over Sabrina’s shoulder. “Is that your grandmother in the locket?”

“No,” Sabrina replied. “It’s someone else.”

Patrick cut in, “Where’s that tornado taking Mr. Vanpoot? When will it stop? Will he survive?”

Sabrina shrugged. “Maybe the police station. Maybe the hospital.”

Mrs. Weinerheimer said, “We should get home and sort this out. Is there anything else that you brought with you Patrick?”

“There’s some stuff in the van, but not much,” he said.

After they found more of Sabrina’s things in the van they drove to Bobbie’s house.

“Stay here tonight, Patrick,” Bobbie said. “Dad’s going to jail.”

PLANET Z

Back in the 80s, the moonwalk was all the rage. Johnny would moonwalk at the front of the class every time he aced a quiz or test. Or if he got the last of the pepperoni pizza at lunch, big moonwalk. He was also supposed to be the star quarterback for the school, but in his first game first play, he threw an absolute bomb of a pass that his receiver caught in the end zone for a touchdown, and Johnny moonwalked and his cleat caught in the grass and he tore up his knee and he never played again.