Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While the other pirates raided towns, George would go see the local art museum.
Not to loot it, mind you. He’d go there to see the art.
He usually had to wake up early, before the other pirates, so he could see the art before they looted it.
“Can you give me ten more minutes?” he told his fellow pirates. “There’s a church across the street. Go loot it.”
George always felt guilty about the looting, and left a donation to the art museum.
Which his fellow pirates looted.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of being concerned about the condition of his boat, he was more worried about the condition of his skin.
The salt air of the sea and the tropical sun totally ruined his complexion.
One night, George drank too much, and he passed out in a plate of guacamole.
The next day, he woke up, face covered with the green goop.
It was the perfect mask. For once, his skin felt great.
Even if the other pirates thought “Gloppy Greenbeard the Pirate” weird for wearing it all the time.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He held his cutlass wrong, and tended to strike people with the dull side of the blade.
“NO!” shouted the cutlass coach. “Use the sharp end!”
“Oh,” said George, adjusting his grip. “How’s this?”
“That’s even worse!” growled the coach. “If you strike with the flat of the blade, you’ll shatter it.”
He took the cutlass out of George’s hand, slapped him with it, and put it in George’s hand properly.
“Try that,” said the coach.
George stabbed the coach.
“Much better,” said George. “Thank you.”
He didn’t respond.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You know the term maroon?
To be stranded on an deserted island.
But also, a stupid person.
Well, pirates tended to strand stupid people on deserted islands.
And for all of his screwups, George got marooned by frustrated crewmates and captains a lot.
Other pirate ships would sail by the islands and ask what George was doing there.
He’d pull out a map and a shovel and start digging. “The treasure’s here!”
The other pirates would dig, and George would sneak on to their ship to escape the island.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He tried to learn more, but records at Star Fleet Academy were spotty on that historical subject.
George did his best to fill in the gaps with books and movies.
He put on an attempt at an authentic pirate outfit and went to the holodecks.
“Holodeck, start Program George One,” said George.
The computer said “Simulation ready,” and opened the doors.
George walked through the archway and on to a wooden plank.
“Uh oh,” said George.
He felt a cutlass point at his back, and fell into the water.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
“Instead of dividing up shares based on senority, let’s have some fun!”
George stuffed a pinata with treasure from the last raid and hung it from the mast.
“Everybody gets three swings. When the pinata bursts open, you can grab what you can from what falls out, okay?”
The pirates with hooks for hands complained that they’d only be able to grab half as much as others.
The ones with peglegs complained that it was hard to bend over.
In the end, they strung up George and beat him.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When George was in Pirate School, other pirates would ask to cheat off of George’s exam papers.
Because George wasn’t smart at most pirate subjects, they’d end up failing, too.
That’s when George came up with the brilliant idea for him to cheat off of all of their exam papers.
Sure enough, everyone passed. Including George.
“You’re a genius, George!” the other pirates said. “When we graduate, we’ll need a genius like you aboard!”
George peaked early, but when you think about it, did he ever peak at all?

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
One day, while taking practice with a cannon, he heard an awful scream.
A flying kid in green tights fell out of the sky and landed in the water.
Then, a trail of sparks flew into George’s face.
Tinkerbell bitched him out for killing Peter.
“Wait, you aren’t Captain Hook,” the angry pixie squeaked. “Who the Hell are you?”
George grabbed her, stuffed her into a jar, and used her as a night light.
Until the light began to fade, because he forgot to poke holes in the lid.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
When the ship ran low on food supplies, George was in charge of rigging up fishing lines and catching enough to feed the crew until they made it to port.
George really liked to fish, but he wasn’t very good at it.
Half the time, he’d throw the rod into the water while casting the line.
In the end, George didn’t catch any fish, and he used up the rest of the ship’s food as bait.
The crew tied up George and used him as bait for catching sharks.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
To keep George distracted from pirate duties, like firing cannon or standing on dead men’s chests, the captain assigned George to take care of the ship’s cat.
The cat’s job was to catch bilge rats.
George decided that more cats would mean more bilge rats caught.
But that led to an overpopulation of cats.
George bought some dogs to hunt the cats.
And then some bears to hunt the dogs.
Pretty soon, the ship was packed with angry, vicious animals.
The crew hid in the bilge with the rats.