I started with a simple 8 crayon box.
I saw other kids with 16 crayon boxes and felt jealous.
So, I got one.
The next day, all the other kids had 24 crayon boxes.
When I got mine, they all had 32 crayon boxes.
The next day, they had 64 crayon boxes.
With built-in sharpeners, no less.
The 72 box came in a neat case.
The 120 box was made out of rich Corinthian leather.
And 152 box had a combination lock and alarm system.
We all still drew like fucking idiots.
And the crayon company got richer and richer.
Nap from home
It’s been over a year since I was last at the office.
I hated it when people would corner me in my office and ask for help for something they could just fucking Google or look up themselves.
And they wouldn’t take “I don’t know” for an answer.
Some would figure it out and say I figured it out, are you proud of me?
Others would say “I figured it out, no thanks to you.”
I’d snap back “Well, look it up yourself next time!”
Now, I just tell them I’ll get back to them.
And nap in my bathroom.
Toilet tub
When there’s a tropical storm or a winter freeze, the water pressure is sure to drop.
So it makes sense to fill up the tub so I have toilet flushing water.
The problem is, I’ve remembered to fill up pitchers with drinking water, but I forgot to fill up the tub.
Thank goodness it’s raining, though.
I hooked up the rainspout to fill up the coleman coolers with water.
Sure, it’s nasty dirty water, but for toilet flushing, it’s water enough.
I dump the colemans into the tub, and it fills up.
And I slip, and trip, and fall in.
Green giant
It takes a lot of vodka to get the Green Giant drunk.
But it’s the only way to get him jolly enough to stand there for the commercials.
You can’t get him too drunk, though, or he loses his balance and falls.
Or he gets surly, and pisses on the migrant workers picking the crops.
Or he picks them up and eats them.
Or both.
That’s where the green kid Sprout comes in.
We told the beast that Sprout’s his kid.
“Behave,” we tell him, “or we boil your kid and eat him.”
And that’s why the Green Giant drinks.
George and the hamburger man
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was too compassionate, and this made him an easy mark.
While the ship was docked at a port called Sweethaven, a fat guy in a bowler accosted George.
“I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”
So, George gave him the money.
When Tuesday came around, the swindler didn’t pay up.
George’s shipmates beat the crap out of the guy.
Some squinty freak with huge forearms demanded vengeance for the hamburger man.
But by then, George’s fellow pirates had looted Sweethaven, set it ablaze, and set sail.
Weekly Challenge #856: Contact Lens
LISA
The Gift
It wasn’t just his horrific crimes. It was how prolific he was. The police were baffled. The same piercing blue eyes stared out from photofits on investigation boards all around the country.
It was in Burnley that a newly qualified DS noticed the latest victim’s Tiffany necklace. The first victim had one too. It was a huge breakthrough.
At the jewellers they discovered the same necklace had been sent to every victim. They had him. The invoice address led them to a contact lens warehouse where they found yet another necklace but with a note –
For you, DS Tunstall xx
RICHARD
Contact Lens
“Excuse me, you couldn’t possibly give me a hand by any chance?”
The woman had the face of an angel. It was love at first sight!
“You see, I’ve lost my contact lens, and I wondered if you had a moment to help me find it?”
My heart fluttered – there it was, the code phrase: ‘I’ve lost my contact lens’
Quickly I responded: “The Mexican has a big moustache!”
“What?”
I repeated myself, then asked her for the drugs.
She gave me an exasperated look, then gasped, “There it is!” Peeled the lens from her coat, and briskly walked away.
LIZZIE
“This is a contact lens.”
“Where’s the other one?”
He chuckled, burying his feet in the sand.
“Look.”
He held it close to his eye and the wind picked up and the waves became wild.
“What’s happening?”
“Want me to kill that bird?”
Before she could say no, the bird just dropped dead.
Horrified, she stood up.
“Where did you get that?”
“Aliens. I meet them every Sunday after church.”
“Aliens?! Dead birds?”
He smiled.
“I don’t know what else to do with it.”
“Rain, dude, make fucking rain. Useless aliens… Giving you, of all people, a… freaking contact lens.”
SERENDIPIDY
I have this great little trick I do with contact lenses, I soak them overnight in chilli oil then, once you’re suitably restrained, I pop them into your eyes.
It’s so much easier, and far less messy than pulling out your fingernails with pliers, and nowhere near as distasteful as clipping electrodes to your private parts.
Yet, for all its simplicity, it gets results, almost every time.
And, on the rare occasions it doesn’t work, I always keep a pair of pliers handy, just in case.
They’re not for your fingernails.
I’m going to use them to remove the lenses!
NORVAL JOE
Sabrina looked offended by Linoliamanda’s comment. “I don’t know how you can tell anything with eyes like yours. What’s wrong with you? Did you lose your contact lenses?”
Billbert was surprised and offended by Sabrina’s rude behavior and began to intervene on his old friend’s account. “Sabrina!”
Linoliamanda cut him off. “That’s okay, Billbert. It’s a family trait, on my father’s mother’s side. I should wear glasses, but I’m afraid I would look silly.”
Before Sabrina could make another cutting comment, Linoliamanda added, “Wait. You’re a witch. Don’t you have a spell you could cast to make my eyesight better?”
PLANET Z
Jamie liked to step outside, kneel down on the sidewalk, and pretend she’d lost a contact lens.
People would stop to help her, and eventually she’d stop and pretend to find it and put it in its case to wash later.
And she’d thank the people who’s helped her,, and if any of the guys sounded cute, she’d tell them her number to text her theirs.
She’d go back inside, and her roommate would look them up.
“This one’s cute,” she said.
“I’ll call him later,” Jamie said, picking up her cane and glasses. “Need anything from the store?”
George and the air hockey table
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The captain kept him aboard mostly because George knew how to fix the air hockey table.
The motors burn out easily. Especially in the salty air of a pirate ship at sea.
No, George wasn’t all that handy with tools.
He’d broken the toaster, the microwave oven, and the ship-to-shore radio.
They tossed those overboard and bought new ones.
But he had a knack for repairing the air hockey table.
Click clack thwack, all night long. So noisy.
They tossed it overboard, too.
And didn’t buy a new one.
George the landlubber
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He was completely clueless when it came to the jargon of his profession.
For example, he had no idea what “landlubber” meant.
Was it a parrot species?
Maybe it was some kind of sea monster, he thought.
But then, why would his crewmates be calling all the townspeople that?
Or, for that matter, George , when he screwed something up really badly.
At the next port, he went to the library, and he asked for a Pirate-to-English dictionary.
“You are a total landlubber,” said the librarian, and threw George out.
George’s shoe
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Maybe it was because he wasn’t assertive enough.
Barnacle Billy kept taking George’s left shoe and wearing it.
He didn’t take the right one because he had a peg leg.
“Give me back my shoe,” said George.
“No,” said Barnacle Billy.
George went into fights wearing only one shoe.
Until one day, Billy got his other leg blown off and replaced by a peg leg.
He still kept stealing George’s shoe.
“Okay, I admit it. I like sniffing shoes.”
George asked the captain to transfer Billy to another ship.
George’s hat
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His hat was constantly blowing off of his head.
Other pirates never seemed to lose their hats in the wind. Some had the same style of hat, but theirs never blew off.
Old Rusty told George that he should try a bandana.
“Just tie it tight at the corners and it’ll stay put,” he said.
“Thanks,” said George.
George put his hat away and switched to a bandana. And it didn’t fly off.
Old Rusty started wearing George’s hat.
And it never blew off his head.
George quietly seethed.