Category: Talk Like A Pirate Day

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The wave of the future was telecommuting, and George suggested the idea to the captain.
“I could work from home in my pajamas,” said George.
“What the hell do you mean?” said the captain. “Your home is on the sea.”
“Fine,” said George. “But can I still wear my pajamas?”
George had never been very good at hand-to-hand combat, and the full-body bunny pajamas with the floppy ears made him look like a total idiot, but somehow he managed to use the surprise in his enemies to his advantage.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had a bad track record with pet parrots.
So, he went on Amazon and bought a fake parrot.
It was made of styrofoam and fake feathers, and it had an electronic voice chip to make sounds.
There was a strap that he could loop around his arm to hold it in place.
He had to tight it tightly, and it cut off circulation to his arm.
In the middle of battle, his hand went numb, and he dropped his sword.
The parrot laughed, and George stomped on it.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time in bars, drinking.
A new tavern opened up with an entire wall of taps.
Each one different.
George’s crewmates challenged him to drink the wall of taps.
So, he did.
It took him several months and all of his money, but he did.
Then, one day, he opened a door that he thought was to the restroom, but it was to the back office.
He discovered that every tap went to one large keg.
Disgusted, George dragged the safe out the back door.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Usually, pirates would exchange their loot for gold, which they’d have melted down into earrings.
George didn’t have any earrings. He didn’t like the idea of getting his ears pierced.
“What if it gets infected?” George asked the ship’s doctor.
“I think an earlobe infection is the least of your concerns,” said the doctor, trying to figure out how to dislodge George’s sword from his abdomen. “How the hell did you do this to yourself?”
“Please try not to break my sword,” said George. “It cost me a lot.”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His wool mittens were clipped to the sleeves of his coat so he wouldn’t keep losing them.
The mittens dangled and swung around constantly.
The other pirates made fun of this, and they laughed at George.
“You’re such a loser, George,” they said. “Why can’t you be more like a normal pirate?”
But when it got cold and they couldn’t find their own mittens, they stopped laughing.
Until George would try to light a match to fire a cannon, and he set his mittens on fire.
That was hilarious.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
George didn’t like the sound of cannon fire, so he came with a new plan: to launch a balloon above the enemy’s ship and drop horses on them.
“Why horses?” asked the captain. “We already have a bunch of cannon balls. And cannons.”
The captain let George experiment with his balloon project, but it never got off the ground.
Literally. The balloon never managed to get off of the ground.
George tried to use smaller baby horses, but their mothers kicked George enough to convince him to give up.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
This wasn’t just the captain’s opinion.
This was based on a detailed expert measurements, analyzed by the finest statisticians.
George’s metrics were truly abysmal.
This surprised the statisticians, because they had no idea that someone could score that low without getting eaten by a kraken, strangling on a sail’s tie-down, or accidentally blowing their own head off with a cannon.
“You’re not doing this just to screw up our report, are you?” asked the statisticians.
George tried to answer, but he accidentally blew their heads off with a cannon.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of looting and pillaging, he liked to order things with his Amazon Prime account.
The problem was that the ship was constantly moving from port to port, looting and pillaging.
By the time a package would arrive for George, they’d be off to the next port to loot and pillage.
George tried to set up a dropbox, but when the ship arrived at that port, the pirates looted and pillaged the business that had the dropbox.
George was furious. “That’s the wool scarf I ordered! Hand it over!”

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he was a good observer, and he wrote up a ship operations manual.
He sent the manual to the rest of the crew for technical review.
The crew marked up his manual with comments such as:
“Aye, there should be more YAR! here.”
“Nary a SCURVY DOG in sight!”
“Yer grammar and spelling be ghastly perfect! Shame upon ye!”
George got irritated. “This was supposed to be a review for technical accuracy, not a spelling, grammar, and style guide review!”
The crew threw George and his manual overboard.

George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
What he was good at was seeing opportunities.
After United Airlines made headlines for beating up and dragging off passengers, George convinced the captain that they should get into the travel business.
It didn’t take long for the ship to fill with passengers, happily participating in an immersive, authentic pirate voyage experience.
It also didn’t take long for the passengers to get seasick, scurvy, and weary of the length of the voyage.
“If you think this is bad,” said the captain, “you should see the poor landlubbers in Economy.”