Category: My stories

I have a good job.
With a corner office on the top floor.
And a good parking space to charge my car.
Good perks: free lunches, fully-stocked breakroom with tea and snacks.
I can work from home when I need to.
But why would I want to?
Well, with the pandemic, I need to.
I still have my job.
But I work from my living room, not my nice corner office.
I don’t drive my car to that spot with the charger.
And any lunch or tea or snacks are bought on my own.
That’s okay for now, I suppose.

Every day, we have a team meeting.
And when we go around the table… well, go around the list, since we’re not at the same table while we work remotely… we say what we did yesterday, what we’ll do today, and what blockers we have that need resolving.
Then we leave our microphones on all day while working on whatever we’re working on, saying something if we need assistance or want to demonstrate something.
Repeat until it’s time to go home… well… we’re already home, so shut off the laptops and fire up the war games.
When we truly collaborate.

I fired my doctor and made an appointment with a nearby clinic with testing and other departments that will be a lot more convenient for referrals.
A year since my last checkup is way too long, especially with the cholesterol meds running out of refills.
And weight gain. And other things.
I should walk more. And eat less.
I don’t drink, in spite of what my former doctor thought.
People lie about that kind of thing.
But when beer and liquor cause kidney stones, you stop.
Trust me on this.
Or don’t. But if you’re my doctor, well, you’re fired.

Politicians lie.
It’s what they do. It’s the job.
Stacy said one thing before she ran for for office.
Then she campaigned on the opposite.
Claimed she never said what she said in the first place.
After she won, she denied having said either.
Then admitted it, but said she’d learned more since taking office.
Evolving her position to suit the needs of the people.
Journalists printed her lies about her lies.
And fact checkers claimed it was all true.
When she ran again, she touted her experience.
But the only experience she had was with lying.
The perfect politician.

Rufus Washington was the greatest standup comedian without actually standing up.
He did his routines from a wheelchair, spinning tales from the ghetto on the other side of the tracks.
Drug dealers, hookers, pimps, corner stores instead of grocery stores.
Now, he traveled in a limo or a tour bus, with gorgeous assistants to help him into the chair… or bed… or the shower.
When the limo got in a wreck, Rufus woke up in the hospital, screaming that he couldn’t feel his legs.
Turned out, he’d been faking his paralysis just for a schtick.
Also, he’d faked being black.

Water maintenance today.
They’re redoing the mains so they don’t have to shut down the mains every time they need to work on a single building’s water pipes.
I’m sure that whatever maintenance and improvements they do, every future break or problem will be upstream from the work they did.
I’ve set aside some gallon jugs full of water for whatever… toilet flushing, tea, bathing a muddy cat.
Some neighbors are angry at the cut-off, despite an email and text alert going out.
It’s 2022, people.
If you’re wanting paper notices on your door, maybe they should be eviction notices?

Spumco was the production company that produced Ren and Stimpy.
Spumco animators not only drew the characters, but they produced, filmed, and edited them.
You could say they were very hands-on with the production process.
Spumco’s founder, John Kricfalusi, was very hands on with young female artists.
He’d invite them to Spumco to learn the business.
More like monkey business.
Nickelodeon fired Kricfalusi and Spumco… because of the level of violence in the cartoons.
And Spumco was shuttered after lawsuits over royalties.
After an avalanche of sexual harassment complaints, Kricfalusi retired from animation.
Only because nobody would sponsor his projects.

Every weekend, there’s a cultural festival in my city.
This week, it’s the Italian festival.
Italian dances, Italian food, Italian poetry.
Next week, it’s the German festival.
German dances, German food, German poetry.
The week after, it’s the Caribbean festival.
Caribbean dances, Caribbean food, Caribbean poetry.
And after that, it’s the Japan festival.
Japanese dances. Japanese food. Japanese poetry.
There’s no Palestinian festival.
They grab bullhorns and scream at the local Israeli consulate.
And synagogues. And community centers. And the Holocaust Museum.
That’s what they call culture?
What a bunch of pricks.
No wonder why they don’t have a state.

Not only is Jackie the greatest hitter in the league, he’s also the league’s greatest pitcher.
He also leads the league in steals. He’s never been caught stealing.
On days he’s not pitching, he’s catching, and calling great pitches for the pitchers.
On the rare times someone makes it to first, he’ll gun them down when they steal second.
Someone injured? He’s got medic skills. He’ll get you back on your feet in no time.
He also manages the team, putting together lineups no team wants to face.
His parents are awfully proud of their sparkplug of a Little Leaguer.

Siegfried and Roy were stage musicians who used lasers, glitter, and white suits to amaze millions of fans who came to watch them on their Las Vegas stage.
They paraded their white tigers and exotic animals around, making them leap and disappear.
Roy was attacked by one of their white tigers and took years to recover before returning to the stage.
He died during the Coronavirus pandemic.
The next year, Siegfried died of cancer.
Magic? The truth is, anybody can make tigers disappear.
Well, more like everyone can, really.
When we destroy their habitats and drive the species to extinction.