George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
You won’t find him in The Pirate Hall of Fame.
He was banned after he was caught gambling on battles.
“But I never gambled on battles I was in,” whined George.
The League of Pirates didn’t care, and made the ban permanent.
George would sit outside the Hall, just on the other side of the property line, and sign autographs and let fans take selfies with him.
But, every now and then, he’d put on a disguise, and sneak in.
It was either that, or piss on a tree.
Category: My stories
George dwells on it
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Unlike the other pirates, he thought about things a lot.
Too much, they said. George thinks too much about things.
Dwells. Obsesses.
He thought about pirates, and how they don’t contribute anything to the world.
In fact, they make the world worse.
Resources wasted on security, weapons.
He didn’t make his sword.
He didn’t make his clothes.
He didn’t make anything.
He lay in his bunk, staring at the wood above him, wondering if the world would be better off if the ship sunk without a trace.
And wept.
23 and George
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His 23andMe profile determined that he was only 25% pirate, suggesting that he could increase his percentage with exercise, practice, and dietary supplements.
George got a gym membership, paying extra for the network of gyms so he could use them at whichever port the ship docked.
And his doctor prescribed Placebo.
“No generics,” said the doctor. “I know that the name-brand is expensive, but it’s worth it.”
George worked out, took the pills, and studied hard for a month.
23andMe and his doctor determined that he was 100% sucker.
George on the river
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
While sailing up the Mississippi, he captured two men on the run who claimed to be a duke and a king.
He planned to ransom them, but it turned out they were wanted in Arkansas for fraud, so he turned in the con-artists for the reward.
After that, he picked up two kids and a runaway slave, telling all kinds of crazy stories.
The slave, he sold downriver. The smarter kid, he kept as a cabin boy.
The wilder of the kids, he kicked overboard in two fathoms-deep water.
George the Zorro
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Don Diego de la Vega looked him over carefully.
“But you might make a decent Zorro,” he said, holding the black mask to George’s face.
“I don’t speak Mexican,” said George.
“Let your sword speak for you,” said Diego.
After five hours of practice, George’s sword mostly said “CLANG!” when it fell to the floor.
“Sorry,” said George, picking up the sword again. “I think that will buff out.”
Eventually Diego gave up, and put on the mask himself.
George watched Zorro ride off, and then robbed his mansion.
Game Over, George
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
I’m not sure how he managed it, but he and his crew took over the starship Nostromo.
As George was trying to send a ransom note to the Weyland-Yutani Corporation, a message came in and the Nostromo’s crew began to wake up.
“We’ll strand them on that LV-426 thing,” said George.
That’s where they came across a weird cavern and space ship, surrounded by bizarre eggs.
“I bet we could make a fortune with one of these things,” said George.
An egg unfolded, and George screamed.
Nobody heard him.
George gets Bonked
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He woke up with a bandage on his head.
“Oh, you’re awake,” said a nurse. “You’ve had quite a nasty bonk on the head.”
He looked around. He was in a hospital ward with other bandaged patients, all laying still in bed.
“Oh, okay,” he said. “Them too?”
“Yes,” said the nurse. “And it’s time for another.”
She pulled out a large mallet and bonked George on the head.
George fell unconscious and had a nice dream about sailing.
He looked forward to his next bonk on the head.
George the Pillow Fighter
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He wasn’t very good with a cutlass, but he was the master of the sofa cushion.
“PILLOWFIGHT ME!” he’d shout at his opponent, tossing aside his cutlass and dropping a sofa cushion at their feet. “I DARE YOU, COWARD!”
When the other pirate threw down their cutlass and picked up the pillow, George would draw his pistol and shoot them in the head.
He’d pick up his cutlass and the cushions.
Then he’d put the cushions back on the captain’s sofa.
With the bloodstained sides facing down, of course.
George clowns around
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
To make up for his shortcomings, he used humor as a defense mechanism.
He started with silly nose-glasses, which distracted his enemy long enough for him to escape.
Or he’d wear a fight wig, or ask his opponent to sniff his squirting flower.
Over time, he refined his humor, and he had the British Navy rolling on the desks, clutching their sides from the pain of laughing so hard.
He always walked away with the loot, even when he slipped on a banana peel and fell into the water.
The voices in George’s head
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The voices in his head told him that all of the time.
“For fuck’s sake, stop it!” he shouted.
“Oh, okay,” said the rest of the crew coming out from behind the sails. “Sorry.”
George blinked. “All this time, I thought the voices were in my head. But they were you?”
“Yes,” said the crew. “We thought it was a joke, you know.”
George sighed and went back to his bunk.
“KILL THEM ALL!” said the voices in George’s head.
“Ahhh, that’s more like it,” said George, falling asleep.