George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
The wave of the future was telecommuting, and George suggested the idea to the captain.
“I could work from home in my pajamas,” said George.
“What the hell do you mean?” said the captain. “Your home is on the sea.”
“Fine,” said George. “But can I still wear my pajamas?”
George had never been very good at hand-to-hand combat, and the full-body bunny pajamas with the floppy ears made him look like a total idiot, but somehow he managed to use the surprise in his enemies to his advantage.
George’s parrot
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He had a bad track record with pet parrots.
So, he went on Amazon and bought a fake parrot.
It was made of styrofoam and fake feathers, and it had an electronic voice chip to make sounds.
There was a strap that he could loop around his arm to hold it in place.
He had to tight it tightly, and it cut off circulation to his arm.
In the middle of battle, his hand went numb, and he dropped his sword.
The parrot laughed, and George stomped on it.
George’s gingerman
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
He spent a lot of time in bars, drinking.
A new tavern opened up with an entire wall of taps.
Each one different.
George’s crewmates challenged him to drink the wall of taps.
So, he did.
It took him several months and all of his money, but he did.
Then, one day, he opened a door that he thought was to the restroom, but it was to the back office.
He discovered that every tap went to one large keg.
Disgusted, George dragged the safe out the back door.
George and the ear rings
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Usually, pirates would exchange their loot for gold, which they’d have melted down into earrings.
George didn’t have any earrings. He didn’t like the idea of getting his ears pierced.
“What if it gets infected?” George asked the ship’s doctor.
“I think an earlobe infection is the least of your concerns,” said the doctor, trying to figure out how to dislodge George’s sword from his abdomen. “How the hell did you do this to yourself?”
“Please try not to break my sword,” said George. “It cost me a lot.”
George’s mittens
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
His wool mittens were clipped to the sleeves of his coat so he wouldn’t keep losing them.
The mittens dangled and swung around constantly.
The other pirates made fun of this, and they laughed at George.
“You’re such a loser, George,” they said. “Why can’t you be more like a normal pirate?”
But when it got cold and they couldn’t find their own mittens, they stopped laughing.
Until George would try to light a match to fire a cannon, and he set his mittens on fire.
That was hilarious.
Weekly Challenge #872 – Exposed
SCRIBBLING WREN
Cara
My bag got stolen, snatched last night as I got off the bus but that’s not the moment of change in today’s story. Obviously, it’s a pain, stopping cards, the loss of the money – my tips were in there. And my make up bag, this is the biggie.
Right now, I’m on the bus without a mask of foundation, eyes undefined with liner, squirming with embarrassment not wanting anyone to look.
The juddering window exposes my naked face and I see me. I see me like it’s for the first time and I realise it’s OK. This is my face.
LIZZIE
The vase in the shape of a giraffe was the reason for many arguments in the Employees (the gang) Only room. Some said it was a deer, others a dog, others whatever. Though the “whatevers” would frequently win, she insisted it was a giraffe. She enjoyed being a nuisance, the vortex of all disagreements. When management decided she had to be promoted, the gang threw the giraffe in the garbage out of spite. That’s when they discovered a mic. This is how you go from being oh, so happy for being a nag to… oh my god, I was fired.
RICHARD
Exposed
We found the old camera whilst clearing out my grandfather’s attic. It was in a box marked ‘grandad’, scrawled in my grandfather’s curly script, and we figured from the newspaper packing, that the contents had belonged to his grandfather… My great, great grandfather!
It still contained a roll of exposed film, and my hands trembled at the thought of what treasures from the past it might hold.
“That’s cool!” Whooped my twelve-year old son, snatching the camera from me, opening it, and unspooling the film, holding it up to the brightly sunlit window.
“Nothing on it” he said, frowning.
TOM
Weather Will Kill Ya
There is a rite of passage in Chicago. As a kid your actively bundled by parents to not freeze to death. Deep layers of clothing insured you would make it to at least the age of 14. The winter of your freshman year peer-pressure left you sorely exposed to the elements. No boots, No hat, No scarf. Just jeans and a Letterman leather jacket, not exactly Arctic wear. And worst for the girls, in skirts. We were having none of that and forced both the official and unofficial school dress code into the 20th century
SERENDIPIDY
Don’t believe a word of it!
We don’t sleep in coffins, you can’t kill us with a stake through the heart, we don’t turn to dust when exposed to sunlight, and we certainly don’t have sparkly skin or enjoy a bad relationship with werewolves.
It’s all nonsense.
Except the part about drinking blood.
We definitely do that.
But, none of the rest of it, just to be clear.
We look, sound, act and behave just like anybody else.
We could be your colleague, or neighbour, or cousin.
Even you could be one!
Maybe you should give drinking blood a try?
NORVAL JOE
As Billbert and Sabrina walked from the movie theater to the ice cream shop he kept an eye out for her grandmother. Earlier in the day when she had coerced Billbert to take her granddaughter to the movie she made it clear she didn’t want her part in the activity exposed.
Sabrina smiled at him over her banana split. “I’m glad you’ve come to your senses and see that I am the girl for you, and not that Linoleum girl.”
Billbert dug half-heartedly at his hot fudge sundae. “I’m thirteen years old. I hardly think there’s any girl for me.”
George holds his horses
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
George didn’t like the sound of cannon fire, so he came with a new plan: to launch a balloon above the enemy’s ship and drop horses on them.
“Why horses?” asked the captain. “We already have a bunch of cannon balls. And cannons.”
The captain let George experiment with his balloon project, but it never got off the ground.
Literally. The balloon never managed to get off of the ground.
George tried to use smaller baby horses, but their mothers kicked George enough to convince him to give up.
George’s Metrics
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
This wasn’t just the captain’s opinion.
This was based on a detailed expert measurements, analyzed by the finest statisticians.
George’s metrics were truly abysmal.
This surprised the statisticians, because they had no idea that someone could score that low without getting eaten by a kraken, strangling on a sail’s tie-down, or accidentally blowing their own head off with a cannon.
“You’re not doing this just to screw up our report, are you?” asked the statisticians.
George tried to answer, but he accidentally blew their heads off with a cannon.
George Prime
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Instead of looting and pillaging, he liked to order things with his Amazon Prime account.
The problem was that the ship was constantly moving from port to port, looting and pillaging.
By the time a package would arrive for George, they’d be off to the next port to loot and pillage.
George tried to set up a dropbox, but when the ship arrived at that port, the pirates looted and pillaged the business that had the dropbox.
George was furious. “That’s the wool scarf I ordered! Hand it over!”
George’s manual
George was a pirate, but he wasn’t a very good pirate.
Still, he was a good observer, and he wrote up a ship operations manual.
He sent the manual to the rest of the crew for technical review.
The crew marked up his manual with comments such as:
“Aye, there should be more YAR! here.”
“Nary a SCURVY DOG in sight!”
“Yer grammar and spelling be ghastly perfect! Shame upon ye!”
George got irritated. “This was supposed to be a review for technical accuracy, not a spelling, grammar, and style guide review!”
The crew threw George and his manual overboard.