Author: R.

Dumb commercial

I don’t understand why that weight loss drug needed Serena Williams as a celebrity in their Super Bowl Commercial. If you have a working and safe weight loss drug, you don’t need a celebrity to peddle it. That shit will peddle itself and make you, like, gazillions of dollars.
What are they expecting some fat viewer to think? “Well, my insurance covers this weight loss drug and I’m horribly fat and sick all the time, but I’m still not completely convinced. Hey, wait… that tennis player uses this stuff. I’d better call my doctor. Um… okay, tomorrow. Because it’s Sunday.”

Weekly Challenge #1033 – Vanishing Point

The next topic is Experiment

RICHARD

Perspective
“Do you understand it now?”
The blank look on my face said it all. I didn’t have a clue. My art teacher sighed and tried again.
“Perspective is all about giving a realistic impression of depth, so you pick a single point on the horizon -the vanishing point- and imagine all the sight -lines converge at that spot.
I frowned in confusion. I’d always wanted to be a painter, but this was just confusing.
But, I did become a painter, of walls, doors, ceilings, skirting boards…
Not sure my art teacher would be impressed.
It all depends on your perspective!

LIZZIE

“Draw a circle. And another inside it. And another, and another. The vanishing point is a full stop. A full stop inside an O. The circle is gone, it has no meaning as a circle anymore. It became an O with a full stop in the middle.”
“What?!”
“Perspective. Interpretation. Meaning.”
“Excuse me, Professor, but…”
“You don’t see it? You draw a circle and it vanishes into an O! It’s extraordinary!”
They didn’t see it.
The Professor was forced to retire, but he smiled. Why hadn’t he thought of it before? He could finally sail away, vanishing into the horizon.

SERENDIPIDY

“Mayday, mayday, mayday! Air Angel four six two, we have experienced an explosion on board and we have a serious cabin fire. Advise heading for nearest airport.”
I hit the emergency button, summoning my supervisor as I responded.
“Air Angel four six two, Jekyll Military Base is eight miles to your North, heading Two Eight.”
I stared anxiously at my radar; Air Angel a glowing dot, slowly traversing the screen.
Would they make it?
Then, the point of light simply vanished.
Inwardly, I smiled with satisfaction.
The bomb I’d arranged to have planted in the hold had done its job.

LISA

A packed room with standing room only. The smell of a long day’s armpit lingers.
“Well, this is the last known sighting since the latest…” the captain pauses for the right word, “…vanishing,” points at a local map on a whiteboard with photographs surrounding it. “It’s the Brotherhood place again.”
The room is quiet as everyone stares at the sea of blonde college girls.
“Sadie’s number nineteen. She may well be there voluntarily but we need to get into their compound and talk to her. And soon.”
The door opens. “Another three Sir, just reported missing from a local school.”

TOM

I don’t get much of an opportunity to use my classic training in art. So now I will carpe diem you all with knowledge like it was 1444. The first modern paint is the Baptistery. Les Demoiselles d’Avignon 1907 is the first post-modern painting. Oddly the latter fails to have a vanishing point. Vanishing Point: The single spot on the horizon line where receding lines appear to meet. It replaced atmospheric perspective which was basically glosses of fuzzy blue. The Florentine Fillipo Brunelleschi painted it 1415, it depicted the Baptistery in Florence from the front gate of the unfinished cathedral.

NORVAL JOE

“I thought that since Sabrina’s gone, the ring might come off,” Mandi explained.

“What do you mean, she’s gone?” Billbert tried to shake off the confusion of sleep. “She’s got to be here somewhere.”

“No. She’s trapped in a magnifying glass. Come see.” Mandi led the way back to her room.

She opened the drawer, wondering if Sabrina would appear, there, in the room or back at the vanishing point in the kitchen.

“Look.” Mandi held up the glass.

Billbert’s eyes went wide.

Not looking at it, Mandi shoved it back in the drawer, relieved that Sabrina had stayed inside.

LEWIE

As Jim drew lines on his drawing, a paradoxical view of stairs and archways started to form on the paper, similar to M.C. Escher’s Relativity stairs. The tip of his pencil came too close to one of the vanishing points, and it sucked it out of his hands.

Jim looked closer, confused as to what just happened. He tried to brush some graphite away from the area, and was suddenly sucked into the drawing.

Looking at his hands, half of them were drawn, and partially unfinished. He looked up to see a hole closing, peering back into his classroom.

LEWIE

As Jim drew lines on his drawing, a paradoxical view of stairs and archways started to form on the paper, similar to M.C. Escher’s Relativity stairs. The tip of his pencil came too close to one of the vanishing points, and it sucked it out of his hands.

Jim looked closer, confused as to what just happened. He tried to brush some graphite away from the area, and was suddenly sucked into the drawing.

Looking at his hands, half of them were drawn, and partially unfinished. He looked up to see a hole closing, peering back into his classroom.

PLANET Z

We found Jimmy hanging in his dorm room.
He hadn’t showed up to study group that morning, and Elise had his room key.
We cut him down, checked his pulse, and called the campus police.
They showed up, asked a bunch of questions, and the real police came and asked us more.
We shouldn’t have cut him down.
We shouldn’t have touched him.
We shouldn’t have disturbed the scene.
Meanwhile, Elise hanged herself in her room.
We got there in time to save her, but we did what the cops had told us, and she died before they showed up.

Reward stars

The teacher put reward stars on homework. Gold for great, silver for good. If you didn’t have a star, you had a problem. My brother was two years older than me, so my mother knew that this teacher put stars on homework. So I shoplifted a pack of star stickers from the office supply store and added them to my homework. Why I would be getting silver and gold stars for homework covered with red correction pen? So I made Xerox‘s of homework at the office supply store, filled it out twice, and put the stars on the clean copy.

A thief to catch a thief

It takes a thief to catch a thief, they say. So the FBI made the old swindler an offer. Pose as a rich Arab and bribe a bunch of crooked politicians, and we wipe your slate clean. And it worked out great, I mean, you’ve heard of ABSCAM, right? what I love most about the case is that the old crook would order corned beef sandwich sandwiches from his favorite delicatessen. When they asked why a rich Arab was eating kosher food, he said they were so delicious, and i can’t get any back at the kingdom, even with Delivery.

Summer evenings

On warm summer evenings, I like to walk to the abandoned golf course and stand by one of the ponds. The water is usually pretty clear, with a few lily pads floating on the surface. I can see the fish swimming around, and sometimes a heron or a pelican flies in from the beach and ducks its head under the water and comes up with a fish. I stand there, sipping my coffee, and let my mind slowly go quiet. When the sun sets, I finish my coffee and walk back home, and all is good in the world, right?

Cat regrets

Myst is the cat who goes outside to roam and stays out so long, she makes us worry if she’s ever coming home.
You know, like Bruwyn.
Myst came home. Bruwyn didn’t.
Myst climbs on me when I go to bed, and she’ll paw my face with claws out and she’ll bite my nose.
And I tell her I wish that it had been Bruwyn who had come home.
But when she gets sick with her respiratory infections and goes under the bed, and she won’t eat or drink.
I regret everything I’ve ever said bad about her, and pray.

Peppers

The explorers search for the peppers.
The botanist identifies the peppers.
The agricultural conglomerate seeds the peppers.
The tractor plants the peppers.
The rain waters the peppers.
The farmers grow the peppers.
The migrants pick the peppers.
The truckers haul the peppers.
The factory processes the peppers.
The chemist extracts the peppers.
The manufacturer weaponizes the peppers.
The factory cans the peppers.
The warehouse stores the peppers.
The distributor stocks the peppers.
The armorers hand out the peppers.
The police use the peppers on the migrants.
The migrants wash the peppers from their eyes.
And board the buses back home.

Pandemic classes

When the pandemic hit and schools were closed, the classes got on Zoom or specialized distance learning apps.
Teachers who were tired of teaching the same stuff to multiple classes a day began to pre-record their lessons and play them back for the classes.
They used the extra time to focus on helping the students with questions or problems with the material.
Students were doing better, and parents figured out which were the good teachers and which were the bad ones, demanding that they be fired.
The unions caught wind of the whole thing, and shut the whole system down.

Weekly Challenge #1032 – Fancy

The next topic is Vanishing point

LEWIE

I saw an advertisement. It was a feast fit for a ruler of house cats. There was meat, treats, and fancy cat nip.

What’s fancy about it you ask?

Well, there’s a normal, plain cat nip that loses its scent the moment it hits the floor. The dried out flakes have no smell at all.

But the “fancy” catnip? Oh boy, I’ll tell you. The POWER… It’s out of this world! If you haven’t experienced it before, I don’t know how to express what it is. It’s definitely the cat’s meow.

You’ll be seeing time shake hands with colorful sounds.

LISA

Knick Knacks aren’t Chocolate Bars
The sign above the door read, in twisting ornate script, ‘Purveyor of Fancy Goods’. Geoffrey’s shop did alright, its coastal location guaranteed swift summer trade and Christmas saw them through the winter months. Nothing was priced which made a few people uncomfortable. It was so he could lower prices for those he thought couldn’t afford things. If a child was looking for a gift for a parent, he usually just gave it to them – a matter that was, strangely, never abused. Geoffrey ran gnarly fingers through his silver hair and whispered to the empty shop ‘I must find an heir’.

LIZZIE

A ship docked at the cruise terminal. The luxury included a VIP meal, a VIP ball, and a scare. The previous events had been so much fun, they heard. The meal was scrumptious and the ball was a lot of fun until the hall was invaded by armed men in balaclavas. Everyone laughed. It was the scare! So much fun! And then, the black tie event became a whole lot more expensive. When they were finally freed, millions had been transferred away, and the armed men were long gone. “Well, we sure got a lot more than we bargained for.”

RICHARD

Ink
“So what do you fancy then?”
I looked up from the catalogue, “I’m still not quite sure. I’m torn between the snarling tiger and the skull with the serpent in the eye socket… Although, I quite like the big eagle.”
I could tell the tattooist was losing patience, can’t say I blamed them: I’d been trying to choose a design for hours.
I came to a decision.
“The snarling tiger. Right across my back.”
“You do realise how painful that will be, right?”
“How painful?”
“Extremely.”
I changed my mind.
“In that case, just a small anchor on my shoulder!”

TOM

Case of the Eye of Horus.

The years is 1897. Fancy Watercress is stand in the bow of Nile Queen making its way to Luxor. Small eddies of water roll by. In her had is the Egyptian papyrus she stole from the museum. “Daddy will compensate them for their loss,” Fancy mused while loading her revolver. Seem the one of the crew is not dressed as the rest of the crew. She flips open the cosmetic compact. She sights sends sailor over the rail into the Nile. The captain eyes Fancy with new held respect and guns the engine. The sun set in the desert sands.

SERENDIPIDY

I handed over a copy of the menu.
“Please do let me know if you have any allergies, and anything on there with the green symbol is a vegetarian option.”
“Let me run through today’s specials. There’s pulling out your fingernails with pliers, double thumbscrews with the knuckle cracker side, or I’d recommend the red hot poker up the rectum.”
At this point, they began to struggle, but the chair held them tightly.
“Let me know when you’re ready to order, and I should tell you, we take payment in advance, it avoids complications later.”
“And please do tip generously!”

NORVAL JOE

Linoliamanda went back to the guest room and opened the dresser drawer. The streetlight outside the window illuminated the fancy gilt edges of the magnifying glass.

She wasn’t an awful person like Sabrina, yet here she remained with the other girl trapped inside of a magic glass. And for what, so she could have Billbert all to herself? He wore a ring that bound him to the little witch.

Maybe the ring could be removed now.

Mandi snuck back into Billbert’s room, crept to his bedside and found his hand.

She pulled on the ring.

Billbert sat up. “Now what?”

PLANET Z

Sitting there, on my porch, was an angel.
There are three kinds of angel here: Messengers, Mission, and Judgment.
The angel sat there silently. I waited for a while. Still nothing.
So, not a messenger.
I looked around. It didn’t seem like it had stopped something horrible happening to me, so it probably wasn’t on a mission.
Not on a mission. So…
It stood up and drew its sword.
And the look it gave me.
That’s not a good look.
So, its a judge.
So, I ran.
I know, you can’t outrun fate… or an angel.
But I ran anyway.

Wanting kids

My mother has a younger sister.
And she’s a thieving, conniving bitch.
Robbed my grandmother blind and sent her broke ass to drain my parents dry.
But I’ve always known she was garbage.
You see, when I was little, her husband repeatedly tried to molest me.
Nobody believed me, and I was punished for lying about it.
Ah, memories.
A year or two later, she divorced the creep and found a new guy.
It turned out that she wanted kids, but her first husband didn’t.
I beg to differ… the guy wanted kids, just not in the way she wanted.