Author: R.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Tom
• Planet Z

The next topic is It’s me

RICHARD

— Some bad hat —
You had be to either brave or stupid to go out in public wearing it.
It’s not so much the style or design making it inappropriate, or that hats aren’t my thing – I quite like them, really.
Neither is it because it’s a baseball cap… which I’ve always considered ridiculous on anyone no longer a teenager.
It’s the slogan printed on it that makes it a silly hat. If not a downright problematic one.
But, it was a gift from my mum.
And I’d have to be even braver or more stupid not to wear it, knowing she might find out!

LIZZIE

Hot chocolate for 25 cents. Silly hats get an extra free cup. And everyone made an effort. There were hats with books, hats with colorful feathers, hats with numbers, hats with beautiful flowers. But hers was the winning hat. It had happy chirping birds. At first, people thought the birds were tied to the hat. But they weren’t! They were just sitting on it. And they weren’t afraid either. How did you do it, people asked, mesmerized. She just walked around, sipping her extra cup of chocolate slowly and smiling. Animals know. They just know. A smile can do wonders!

TOM

Careful
Tommy wore a brave silly hat. It was made of paper and cotton and
things. It was kind-a pointed and kind-a round. Some thought it well …
silly, others were impressed with the absolute conviction of his choice
to place it on his head while carrying out his daily duties. Later in
life he joined the order and rose rapidly in its ranks. Each level he
reached was met with different silly hat. When Tommy was chosen Pope, he
was given his last brave silly hat. What everyone was not ready for was
the new pope’s name. Judas the first.

SERENDIPIDY

It wouldn’t be long before he passed out, his body was fighting the drugs, but the challenge would eventually prove too much. It was simply a matter of time.
Not that I was about to hang around until he lost consciousness. I had things to do: I had a children’s party to arrange, and shopping to do, and the drugs would do their job, without me being around.
Later, when I returned, and before the kids started to arrive, I’d get to work on preparing the party games.
And he, would make the best game of Operation, they’d ever played!

NORVAL JOE

Billbert turned the TV to the nature channel, hoping the girls would soon get bored and go off to bed. Neither was willing to give up her claim before the other and eventually the two girls fell fast asleep. Feeling it was too much of a challenge to slip out without waking them, he settled in for the night. He would have to brave his parents’ reaction when they found them in the morning, looking like they had all passed out on the couch. Billbert drifted off to a documentary about a lion and his lionesses on the African savanna.

PLANET Z

Every time the teacher called on Billy, he’d pass out and fall on the floor.
He passed out a lot.
The school nurse thought there was a serious problem, but Billy’s parents were Christian Scientists and vegans.
Instead of going to a doctor, they prayed over Billy.
In the end, they prayed over his grave.
The autopsy showed that Billy had severe malnutrition and other developmental problems that could have been easily resolved by adjusting his diet.
Charged with child abuse and murder, the courtroom became a circus.
Freedom of religion, their lawyers said.
At least they never had another kid.

• Richard
• Lizzie
• Lisa
• Serendipidy
• Norval Joe
• Tom
• Tura
• Planet Z

The next topic is PICK TWO Silly hat, Brave, The old classic, Challenge, Passed out, Visual

RICHARD

“Hey! My latest post got a thousand likes”
I cast Bob a look of deep derision.
“Mate, that’s nothing. Personally, if I get anything less than a million, I consider it a failure.”
Bob’s face fell, “I don’t know how you do it” he said, “how many did your last post get?”
I thumbed through the screen until I found it, “Two point eight mil… not bad!”
He shrugged.
I gave him a friendly nudge, “Don’t worry mate, you’ll get there one day.”
I doubted it though, as I fired up the bot, gaining another ten thousand likes in seconds.

LIZZIE

Santa was furious. He had finished his route and there were still a thousand gifts in his sleigh. Who messed up? Santa paced left and right, as red as his outfit, throwing his hands in the air. What are the kids going to say? And the parents? They relied on him to deliver the right gifts to the right addresses. The ranting continued on and on until one of the elves whispered “They are for you from us all.” Santa was speechless. He was used to cookies and milk, not real gifts and so beautifully wrapped too! So, he smiled.

LISA

The Secret to a Stress Free Christmas Supermarket Shop
‘Twas the weekend before Christmas and the supermarket felt post-apocalyptic: people grabbing food, shouting: it took a thousand years just to get down one aisle.
A tinny tannoy played ‘I wish it could be Christmas Every Day’.
I shopped and joined a queue: thankfully it didn’t seem long ‘til I reached the conveyer belt. The joy to be unloading my shopping was crushed when I realized I’d forgotten the fucking turkey. I ran back to discover, of course, they’d all gone. Back at the checkout so had my shopping: someone pretending it was theirs had simply paid and left.

SERENDIPIDY

I was in trouble again.
Everybody else left, and I was alone with teacher. He beckoned me over to his desk, shaking his head.
“Well, you’ve done it again. You’ve let your classmates down, you’ve let me down, but – most of all – you’ve let yourself down. What do you have to say for yourself?”
I remained obstinately silent.
“OK, if that’s how you want to play it. Detention tonight, and a thousand lines: ‘I must not bring knives to school, and I will never do it again.'”
He was right.
I wouldn’t do it again.
Tomorrow, I’d bring a gun.

NORVAL JOE

Billbert had just put on his pajamas when there was a knock at the door.

Sabrina stood in the hallway and Linoliamanda watched from the guest room doorway.

“I’ve told myself a thousand times today that I wasn’t going to bother you, but can I sit by your bed?”

Billbert sighed. “Let’s go downstairs.”

When Sabrina sat next to Billbert and took his hand, Linoliamanda sat on the other side and hugged his arm.

With a girl on one side in lace-edged satin, and the other in velvety cats, Billbert wondered how he had gotten into such a wonderful pickle.

TOM

It was a depression thing.

When my Grandma died we had to go through a mountain stuff. We had to look through every book and magazine because she would slip different amount of money or stocks for ATnT between the pages. After major stiffing a patter emerged. Page numbers match bill denomination. In one book of old German fairy-tales I turn to page one thousand. There staring back at me was Grover Cleveland. It was in mint condition. The bill was a Gold Certificate a yellow boy. Somehow it had escaped Presidential Proclamation 2039 Executive Order 6073 and Executive Order 6102.Grandma was pretty shrewd.

TURA

Thousand
———
The one thousandth Christian, legend has it, was one Simon of Alessos. A year after the crucifixion, he chanced upon a group of Christians preaching in the marketplace. He was so overcome with emotion that he requested baptism, whereupon a great light shone down from heaven, trumpets sounded, and a voice thundered, “Blessings upon thee, Simon, Our one thousandth convert to the True Way! Thou mayest already have won—” But Simon had fled, and lived as a hermit in the heart of the desert the rest of his days.

He is commemorated as the patron saint who protects against spam.

PLANET Z

Rickey Henderson stole over a thousand bases.
He drew hundreds of walks, racked up thousands of hits.
And had the most home runs of any leadoff hitter.
If he got on first, which he did more often than not, he would find a way to get his ass to home plate one way or another.
The dude was a scoring machine, and he knew it, and he let you know.
Holding that golden base over his head, calling himself the greatest ever.
Make the bases as big as mattresses. Ban pitchouts.
It doesn’t matter. Nobody will be better than Rickey.